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Good heavens...I wrote a comment...and clicked on a spell check thing and suddenly I was on a different page...argh!! YES Blood Curdling Scream button would be a bonus! Along with some emotion-cons for visual effect!!

So I'm not going to write it all over again...will recap:

- Thank you vstefan for your encouragement.

- Glad, I managed to find a Blue book today...thank you for that reminder...will be making calls tomorrow.

- Mom is defiantly forgetting us...the only person she calls by name is me, and even then it isn't that often...she completely zoned who was living in our house today coming to drop off some starbucks before going to another store. She just said "are we dropping these off to those people in the house?"

-I've dealt with A Place for Mom...nice lady helped me a lot, but only had suggestions to places that were private pay only or private pay for two years before medicaid.

K...nite nite all...Thanks everybody for helping make all of this easier to deal with.
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A Place for Mom will also help with this.
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Shannon, you may also want to consider finding a geriatric care manager to help you determine an appropriate place. There is also someone in town that is in business to help with placement that doesn't get paid by you, but rather the facility.
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Shannon, I often think it would be nice to be able to upload a blood curdling scream on some of my own comments!
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I ended up finding the best places for my mom just driving around;l you should always be able to just drop in and get a tour and a price sheet and all. You can also quickly get brochures and stuff mailed to you by going online -seniorhousing.org, etc. You can use an assisted living locator typically no cost to you, bearing in mind thy cater to places that pay them or advertise with them. Debating with yourself is stressful! It sounds like you are still ambivalent about the whole process, but it will be worth it even if you don't find the perfect match the very first time. It is one very steep learning curve and I deeply sympathize.
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That is just it...I wasn't feeling so hot today to begin with, the stress of yesterday over and I just increased my Diabetes meds, so was feeling sick to my stomach all day...although it should be OK tomorrow, but I sat here debating what I wanted to do.

If I drop her off at Emergency she could end up an hour away...so that would limit my ability to monitor care and be there quickly if there was an emergency.

Saying that...it might end up that way anyhow! :)

Sigh...this sucks. :( lol sometimes that is just how it feels.

Well if I get a chance to go to the chiropractor tomorrow I can drop by the seniors center and see if they have a Blue Book...I've heard of them when I was researching a few months ago.

It will be about the only time I can get out without mom...she knows she can't come to Dr's appointments with me (she still puts up a fuss mind you) .

Can I scream now? Oh probably shouldn't it's like midnight...LOL...I might get some flack from the husband and kids. ;)
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To bypass the shopping, etc, that is when some on this site have taken parent to ER and dropped them off saying they could/would no longer care for them because it has become too much!

Hope you are successful!
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Shannon check to see if you can find a copy of "The Blue Book". They have them in most geriatrician's offices, senior centers etc. You might call Denver Regional Council of Governments, the Area Agency on Aging. They are a wealth of information! They probably have "The Blue Book" as well.
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Well, the interview yesterday went well enough with the case worker. We did the follow up call today and I found out that I am the one that has to go out and find the home that has an opening! Sighing...so now I have to find all of the nursing homes or memory care assisted living homes that take medicaid and see if they have openings. Then it will take 2 to 3 days to get the authorization...also they are waiting on docs from the Dr...but I called the Dr office and sent them copies of the forms along with a letter asking if they could send them in today or tomorrow. I'll call tomorrow and see if they did.

So I guess tomorrow I will be calling around to see who has openings...then I suppose I'll be going out to visit them...I'm tired just thinking about it.

In the mean time things are getting worse with mom...but still manageable. :)
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Shannon I'm not surprised that the guy didn't have the right information. I find that all the time with my mom and her healthcare people. Just make sure to tell each one of them what the full situation is, because they clearly aren't sharing info very well. Good luck and hang in there...hugs.
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Shannon; just remember that this will be better for HER as well as for you. My mother would have been dead three times this year if she were living with me. NH just keeps realizing that she's ill when I certainly would'nt have, and my mother is just like "well, they say I have pneumonia, but I'm not coughing". (Look at the Xray, mom. Wow)
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I will glad...it was actually kinda hard on the phone though...because I caught the guy off guard. But he seemed really nice...he said some people stick it out, but others can't and said it was totally OK and was very apologetic about the whole thing. I just need to keep firm as to her getting in right away.
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Shannon, stick to your guns. This is good news. Hope they find a place for her quickly. DO NOT let them make you feel guilty! Take care of yourself and your family first.
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Sorry noticed my spelling and word usage is horrible tonight...access should have been assess LOL.
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Well...Monday at 12:45 the case worker is coming over...with paperwork and to confirm mom exists. :)

I had decided that I'd give them three days to call...and then I was finishing up some work and decided I would call after I finished the email and the call came through.

Good thing I tend to talk things out because as I was talking to him he was telling me that they were coming in to access what services she would need and how much she can do and can't do etc etc.

I said well...you know she has dementia right? He was like oh no I didn't know that. I asked if there were notes on the intake about what the Neurologist told me three weeks ago? He said no there isn't. I told him and he was like...OH...I just have that we are assessing what services she needs in the home, to help you out.

So I clarified to him about her condition and the issues at hand and that we don't need them to check to see if she's ready for a nursing home...we need him to do the intake to get her in a nursing home within a week. :)

Anyhow....he had to call another department that usually does that and see if he should go ahead with it...and called me back and said...yes he will be by on Monday and bring the paperwork and depending on how mom was would ask the questions or just get the signatures and call me when he got back to the office to finish filling out the paperwork.

Sigh...never leaving anything to chance with these guys...LOL. So the guy sounds really nice so I'm not worried about it...but glad I caught that or we would have been delayed again.
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Glad....sorry...I was referring to my family here in my home...my kids are having a bit of a hard time watching their Grandmother deteriorate and are upset how she treats them and us...but they are also very attached. We have been telling them what was likely going to happen...but to suddenly do it and in the manner of just dropping her off...it would be hard on them...and hard on me.

My brother would have had her in a home a year and 1/2 ago...my husband has no problem with it either...it's me.

My moms sister is actually the only one in the family that will freak about it...but I don't care...she absolutely can't handle the situation and has been no help at all.

Everybody else is just fine with it. Sigh...I've had an emotional day with it...I think I've been holding my self so tightly this past year and half that now I'm just starting to feel again. :)

OH...and great news about the funding...I actually read that somewhere...maybe on his facebook wall about the extra funds. I really like what Hickenlooper has been doing for the most part...hope he gets re elected.
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Shannon, I understand the having to do everything possible to satisfy other family members, really I do. But what about YOU and your family. Let those other family members walk a mile in your new shoes;) and then see what they have to say. They would want everybody to just shut up, as well. You have this managed, and that is great, but you need an emergency plan.

Just saw something in the news that Hickenlooper signed a bill to get more mental health facilities up and running in the state.
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Shaking...yes I do believe each State is different...and I've noticed the references to the psychiatric hospitals, but here in Colorado it's the Emergency Rooms at the hospitals.

We have a Catholic Hospital close by that I've taken mom too a couple of times due to stroke scares...she never did have a stroke but rather it was the dementia that was causing the issues but they have her files and her latest CAT scan so she is already flagged there.

Also her Neurologist works out of the Colorado University Hospital and I can take her there with out a problem...they have all her files and direct contact with the Dr.

Glad...I am glad you are here btw.

I hear you loud and clear and I know I am walking a tight rope with this...I'm doing the best I can to make this as un traumatically as possible for mom...but also for myself.

If I need to I have myself convinced that I will take her into the ER...but I have to go the route of SS for my own sanity and that of my family in order to say I did everything possible ... so this is what I'm doing.



It all hurts my heart so much...that we are here in this situation...no matter how horrible my mom was or is at times...I can't hate her...I do love her.

I recognize that she suffered from a mental illness in her life...and while I've never been able to forgive her for everything...much of it I at least understand...and as heartbreaking as it is for me...I have a certain amount of compassion for her.

Mostly I am finding compassion for myself and being able to love me and my life and my family, and it is in this place that I find myself...doing my best to be careful and do as much as I can to limit the trauma.

I have taken the last three weeks to come to terms with the possibility of taking her to the Emergency room...so I will if it becomes necessary and the case worker has not been able to do something in a timely fashion...like in the next week.

This could easily back fire on me and I know this...like I say it's an emotional tight rope act.
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When it becomes necessary for the psychiatric ER, I would be surprised if Shannon would be able to get her mother there, it would require police assistance. That would create even more trauma for mom.
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Shannon, glad you are relieved about 10 days to an assessment, but I would be pissed off! She needed it yesterday, I would go the ER route today! It is for the safety of mom and YOUR family! If she disappears while your back is turned one minute, you know how quickly something, that could be very dangerous can happen!

I am in Denver too, get her over to one of the hospital ER's I would not put it off any longer. Do not give them your phone number, they will guilt you into picking her up!
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OK...so update. :)

It's been a busy couple of weeks, had to go out of town for trade show for work, then three birthdays including mine and fathers day.

My husband and I decided to wait till today to call in and see if we can get a rush assessment.

So I did this morning call the Access point for our area and explained that I've been working on getting mom into a nursing home for over 6 months and the best I've been able to get is regular medicaid ... told them I'd called them and gave them all the information over 3 months ago and called back and did what they advised etc etc etc...but bottom line mom's Neurologist told me to take her into an emergency room and drop her off three weeks ago..and I don't want to do this...but it is urgent she get into a home within the next couple of weeks.

I explained what was going on and how it has gotten to a point where we can not handle the situation appropriately and mom is getting so much worse and we are dealing with potential violence and that I didn't think we should have to wait till that happened before something got done and I was through waiting...it had to happen now.

:) so ... a case worker will be out within 10 days to do the assessment and they will get her into a home asap... :).

I was very clear that the Dr said she should be in three weeks ago and I had put it off...but if something didn't get done I had no choice but to do the emergency room route and I absolutely did not want to do it..but for her and our safety I would if necessary.

Sigh of relief .. they took me seriously and something is going to be done finally!!

I'll let you know how it goes...I'm really hoping that nothing bad happens in the mean time...fingers crossed it will go well.

I've never had a bad situation with a social worker before in this State, but you really have to push to get anything done.

I really really really appreciate all the support...it has helped me deal with this in a positive light. Thank You...Thank You...Thank You!! (((Hugs)))
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Your very first responsibility is to your family and your child. You should step back and realize what is going on is a very unhealthy situation. Mom needs to be placed immediately so you can focus on your family.
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Shannon~the reaction you are having is called PTSD, something we experience from having been raised in abusive families.
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Jessie,

"We tolerate behaviors that most can't because we learned how to tolerate them. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing -- maybe a little of both. "

Well said and it's exactly right. I do think we have coping skills that most do not, so it can be really bad and we deal with it, while others could not.

It is a double edged sword of sorts, these skills can be good, but then I think it becomes more difficult for us to really own that what is happening is over the line.

The Dr nailed me to the wall on this when I was speaking to him...that I have a difficult time saying..."I need help" ...and I almost always try to help others ... and it helps me but, I have a really hard time accepting that I need the help...hmmm I don't know if that made sense.

Anyhow...thank you for your response.
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Shannon, Joan said almost everything I thought about, so I don't want to repeat. I'll just say ditto to emjo. Your mother's neurologist was right when he talked about placing her in a facility, because he knew it would get worse. You are also right about doing it in a way that is not traumatizing to you. It is almost like a life of trauma and mistreatment has led us to this point in life. We want so much not to repeat the mistakes of our parents, even if it is to the parents themselves. We tolerate behaviors that most can't because we learned how to tolerate them. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing -- maybe a little of both.

I am so glad you are going to get a social worker in to help you work through what is available for your mother. It might be that, if phrased correctly, she will get on board with the idea of moving to a facility. She might not remember day to day, but even partial cooperation would be wonderful.

As others said, you are not abandoning your mother as she abandoned you. You are making sure that she is receiving the best treatment available. With Alz and frontotemporal degeneration it will become worse, so protecting your family while helping your mother is ideal. What I hope is that it goes smoothly. When you are going through the steps, just keep reminding yourself that you are doing the right thing for everyone involved. Big hugs to you.
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Vagas Lady...Thank you for your reply...I was in Vagas for the Light Fair International this past week...first time there and had a great time not sleeping for two days!! Will be back one day! I live in Denver though so would not be able to attend. Thanks though I truly appreciate it!

Thanks ba...I know that it's true what you say in my mind, it's my emotions I have to try and convince.

I think I've tried to be so not like my mom all these years that it might be something that is ingrained in me not to do...I don't know...figuring it out...:).
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I want to also say that you are not abandoning your mom if you take her to the ER, you are getting her the help she desperately needs. Once she's placed, you can continue to see her and support her...and that is not abandonment. You just need to get her placed ASAP for her own benefit and the benefit of your family (particularly your children). Hugs and definitely come back here and tell us how you're doing...
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Sharon; You are not abandoning your mom; you are getting her professional help. Dementia is not for amateurs. Hugs.
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Shannon, I will go back soon and read everything, but I just had to jump in about the frontal lobe dementia right away. There is a frontotemporal dementia (FTD) group here in Vegas that meets monthly, usually at Glaziers, upstairs. The leader is Lisa Radin, co-editor (with her son) of What If It's not Alzheimers and a member of the Board of Directors of the AFTD group. Also, there is an excellent support group for people who have loved ones with memory loss. Most everyone there has Alzheimer's relatives, but there are some sometimes who have FTDers. That group is weekly Wednesday from 1:15-2:45, at the Lou Ruvo Brain Center, the scary looking place across from the World Market Center. Just show up and they escort you to the meeting. No one has to be a patient there to attend the free support groups there. Many people there have excellent personal experience to share at the support group. Also, they are doing clinical trials there (it's a Cleveland Clinic site).
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I should mention that my father was not abusive in any manner...he also was a victim of my mother...they divorced when I was fairly young and he never seemed to recover from it. He was guilt ridden to his last day about leaving us in that situation, but he just didn't know how to deal well with it...made me really sad.
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