Dr said it's time for Mom to be in a home...now.


It's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything significant. I've been trying to digest what mom's Dr advised me to do.

We had an event about three weeks when we went to a shopping mall we had never been at before.

It was an inside outlet mall that is really large and we were looking for some shoes for me as I had to go work at a trade show in Vegas and needed some good shoes.

So my husband and 3 almost 4 year old were there and we turned our attention for just a minute and she was gone! (my mom)

My husband went one way and I went the other ... and an hour later we found her.

She was very anxious and while she said...oh no I'm fine, she was wringing her hands and had a wild look in her eyes...it scared her pretty bad....and us too.

So this set her off into a world of anxiety and nervous energy, she was wired and couldn't stay still...she kept going out the front door, walking down the block and and then coming in, begging us to take her out, then walking out the back door to the deck...then walking back in...begging us to take her somewhere, then walking out the front door...over and over and over again.

One of the main issues is that it is very hot out and she was overheating, but she can't feel it...so we are forced to make her stay in for a time and she would get really angry...on the verge of being violent.

I called her Neurologist and got her in the next morning, which was amazing because usually it takes a few days to get her in.

During the appointment he always asks her how she is doing etc...of course she always answers that nothing is wrong and she feels fine...her brain no longer connects the dots and she really does not understand that anything is wrong at this point.

Then he asks me what is going on while she is still in the room...which I've come to understand and frankly she forgets we even went to the Dr within a short time, so anything I say is momentary in her memory.

I told him what was happening and our concerns about her health and we are really concerned about heat stroke and her getting lost or something of that nature.

Also that we were concerned about her aggression, especially with the kids.

During the conversation my mom sat there glaring at me and saying she didn't like being treated like she wasn't in the room...of course we were not, and I was making eye contact with her and including her in the conversation but she was mad.

She even gave me the finger at one point! LOL I'm laughing because it is just so odd dealing with the dementia. (My mom has Early Onset Alzheimer's and Front Lobe dementia at the same time.)

After he prescription to try for the anxiety I asked to speak to him privately.

The reason I asked was because I've had an idea to form a support group specifically for adult children caring for their childhood abusive parent with dementia. So I wanted to know if there were any studies done or being done around this situation and or if he knew anyone that was doing this very thing.

He said that I could join the Alzheimer's support groups, so I had to explain in more detail that the issue with the Alzheimer's association groups as I'd spoken at length with several support people and one that was a top councilor that puts together groups etc have not run across these issue that they were aware of in the groups.

The issues being that as caregivers we have a unique issue with our parents, especially that the old behaviors our parents had are increased and it does not seem to matter how much healing we've done in the past, their presence in our lives tents to reopen old wounds and plays havoc on our emotional and mental well being in a way that isn't the same as someone that is caring for a parent that was loving prier.

Once I explained in more detail that I wanted to start a group to support those of us experiencing this unique situation he gave me some great suggestions...but then he started asking questions about whether or not I'd considered a nursing home.

I told him that I've been given the run around for the past 6 months from Medicaid and only have managed to get her basic medicaid and that I keep getting sent here, or there and it will be 3 month, or longer to get her in etc etc etc.

He told me it was time for her to be in a home not just for her own sake but for me and my family...he was very firm about this.

Then he told me that I should take her down to the emergency room and tell them that I can't care for her any longer and walk away...then they will get her into a home right away.

It shocked me...and I was like...what? I knew I could call the police and do this if she got completely out of control, but the emergency room I didn't know about.

Argh...I've run out of space will have to continue in another post...I'm writing a book here...but I want to be as detailed as possible.

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Well done, Shannon. Even if your mum states she is not happy there, she and all of your family are much better off. Distancing is a good thing when there is a long history of mental illness. Put your family and yourself first, work on not worrying about your mum. Some people are is unhappy, complaining and paranoid where ever they are. She is safe and cared for. Now you are safe too.

yes...I suspect mom will in some manner rally a bit and become more responsive and such with more stimulation and in a place where people are like her...and respected.

I realize that I am defiantly not the right person for that...I have to much past with her, even though I know she is different now and isn't even close to the same person she was due to the dementia ... it's hard to separate it.

I'm so glad we were able to get her into this group of nursing homes...they share our philosophy of care and do it way better then us!


Shannon; you've done your mom and your family a great service. My mom has been in NH for about 8 months now; she scored a 15/15 on her mini mental assessment the other day! She's thriving! Good food, good nursing, good therapy; they all add up to a healthier and more stable person. Not to mention your improved sleep and relationship with your kids! All the best.

Another reasonable nights sleep!! So I was a bit worried for mom yesterday, then at around 11 pm the night staff put up pictures of her on their Facebook page...and while she looked a little stunned and disoriented she was doing fine and socializing, so all is well in her world.

I won't go and see her till Saturday and will take down a few decorative things for her and see how she is doing.

My youngest really wants to come with me but I'm not sure if it would be good to bring her this time or wait a week...sigh.

At any rate still informing family members of the situation so many hours on the phone etc...but I'm feeling a bit better...still kinda have a nervous stomach and things...but I suppose that is to be expected.

I really don't feel bad about it, it's more all the realizations and emotional letting go etc at this point...also needing to catch up and get my business back in shape...instead of just in a holding pattern.

The kids have been out of their rooms and interacting with us WAY more just in the past couple of days!! I had no idea it was really because mom was here, but now I see it...sigh.

Thank You ALL again for the moral support...has really made this part of the journey easier to navigate through.

Of course...it isn't over and it might not be for many years...I don't know...but it is in a place now where we can deal with it more from a distance and that is a good thing.

well done, Shannon...relax and "enjoy" that post-adrenaline letdown if you can. When I have one of those crises, performances, or other unexpceted challenges and it's over, I defintiely get that "limp dishrag" feeling too.

I thought it would be OK, and very glad to hear it was OK after all!!

Shannon, enjoy your new life. Hopefully, everything will go well for your Mom. I'm sure starting at 7:30 this morning with things back to normal for your family was wonderful, but also kind of bittersweet.

Don't be in too much of a hurry to get back to see your Mom. It would be bound to confuse her and she may get angry, making things more difficult for you. Take your time. Many facilities ask family to wait to visit for two weeks to allow the new resident time to adjust.

Well...things went better then expected yesterday...she went to the home willingly and seemed to be doing fine when I left in the afternoon. I decided to take a couple of days off before going in to see her, sigh. It's so strange not having her here though...it's like a reflex to go and check on her and get her lunch etc. But it feels better in the house.

Had a good night sleep for the first time in as long as she has been here. Everyone got up at 730 am this morning...which is really unusual...like the kids and me and everyone had suddenly come out of a closet or something.

I think the truth is we have all been avoiding starting the day for a long time and now that she is gone...everyone is like coming out of hiding.

Anyhow...I'll write more later...now just taking some time...feel really tired...:).

(((((hugs))))). Remember that this is a good thing for everyone, but I know it is hard. Let us now how it goes.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Thinking of you, Shannon.

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