Hi all my name is Purplerain here on this site. This is what I am asking : My friend says that I do not value myself.

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You see that I am my moms caregiver wear all the hats and I think that I handle it ok ( some good days and bad ones) I do not like when she will say that to me because she does not take care of her parents ( at least not yet) so how can she tell me that. I was trying to get some respite a couple of weeks ago to go out of town but the timing was all wrong ( she needs a physical before you go to short term stay) and I really wanted the respite! I try to stay positive and take care of me. I am asking you all what do you think of that statement? I understand that she is wanting me to get some respite but I have a problem with the statement "You do not value yourself". Because I do value my self. I do not like it when you point your finger at me and your door steps are dirty. I think that she is a good friend ( and I do not have many) pleas give your thoughts on this for me. thanks much

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Hello Jenna how are you tonight. I think that you and Kate have good points on why she saids that I don not value myself (which I do) she does tell me that she cares about my feelings but .......she will say that I do not value me which makes me get upset I think that the next time it comes up I will have to be straight up why I do not like that statement and limit what I say about the caregiving role that I play .
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I think that your friend can be wrong and still be your friend. If we only have friends who are right 100% of the time, who would have any friends?

Perhaps Kate47 has the right idea -- there may have to be certain topics that are off-limits with certain friends.

I suspect that your friend is well-meaning. She can see how urgently you need respite and she is trying to goad you into arranging it, without the slightest idea of the obstacles you are dealing with. If she had a better grasp of the caregiving world she might say something like, "I value you very highly. You are a wonderful, valuable individual. You deserve to take care of yourself, too. What can I do to help you do that right now?" But, alas, she is mostly clueless, so she isn't going to say it that way.

I sure had no idea of what caregiving entailed and how it effected people emotionally until I was thrust into that role. Did you? If that relationship is good for you in other ways, I think I'd cut that friend some slack. She may just be ignorant and not mean.

It would be a good idea, though, to explain to her why her statement upset you.
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I have a friend like yours. I don't talk to her about my life in regards to caregiving anymore. She is not someone who can understand why I would make this choice I don't have many friends either anymore, mostly because they seemed to tire of hearing about how I was feeling about this situation. Maybe I leaned on them too hard in the beginning. I am certain you value yourself and especially value your mother to care for her. We all have good and bad days, and seems your friend had a bad one to utter such a thing. Rely on this site to provide support because as I've seen, unless our friends have been through it, they can't fully understand what we're going through 24/7. You are a good person! (((HUGS!)))
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