My husband is romantically involved with a staff member at his nursing home. I want a divorce.

I tried--- I was at a disadvantage. Even if I visit an hour or two every day, she works there she's there all the time. And when I visit she makes her presence known. I filed a complaint with the administrators. They basically blew me off. Called me into an office, there were four of them, I freaked couldn't think. The girlfriend came in, and said "good friends your husband and I are good friends". Just prior to that the social worker had said my husband is infatuated with the girlfriend, and that the girlfriend cares nothing about him. I wrote to the administrators again asked for clarification. They haven't answered me. Today I filed a complaint with an ombudsman. I'll see how that goes. they may not be doing anything illegal. Perhaps what they're doing is only mildly unethical. I do everything to make my husband's life happy and comfortable. Even now, through the hurt and pain, as I contemplate legal separation, part of me wonders who will take care of him. Who will make sure he has what he needs. It's just so sad.

Medication or not, we will react emotionally when our loved ones pull of stunts like this. The fact they may not be fully responsible does not seem to lessen the pain we feel (at least that is my experience).
A friend of mine had her husband in a nursing home, and he was shamelessly flirting with the old ladies there. They had been married for 40+ years, and this was just the last straw. She walked in and said, "As far as I am concerned, we are divorced." She did not divorce him, and she did not quit taking care of him (another two or three years, and not all of them in a nursing home). Oddly enough, she said the sense of responsibility she felt for him lifted, and she did what she did for him because she wanted to, not because she felt obligated to as his wife.

Move ;your husband out of that facility. Change physicians and make sure the physician knows about the medication. Call the Ombudsman. File a complaint against the staff member.

Eddie - you're the greatest! My husband was in Korea USMC---I'm sure he has PTSD. I love him dearly. He is a wonderful man and this was an unfortunate situation. The medication has been adjusted. He is more himself now and he definitely does not want to throw away our marriage. The vixen idea? hmmm

MOM:

She's retarded and Remeron is raising his flag? Don't divorce him; just have his medication changed or readjusted. Moving him might not make much of a difference because there's something she wants; and it has nothing to do with love.

As far as a divorce in California (I got married in San Diego while in the USMC), my understanding is that everything is split down the middle. Doesn't matter who had what when they tied the knot.

Next time you visit, dress like a vixen.

How do you know that they acted on it, when the social worker who investigated says not? Did your husband brag about it? Remember, he was drugged.

momsie, I still would hold the woman accountable for this and not your husband. HE was the one on a drug that changed his behavior, SHE was the one that wasn't. I still agree that you ought to cut him some slack, but not her. 20 years ago when my grandma was in a nursing home, that kind of stuff went on all the time. Doesn't make it right, but it still went on. While I'm not surprised stuff like this goes on in this day and age, what I am surprised about is that this woman wasn't fired on the spot after you reporting her. If they don't do anything about this, then go above their heads and rattle some cages. Everyone has to answer to someone, they are no different.

It makes me sick.

If you have the proof, the worker should be fired. There is something particularly disturbing about a young woman having sex with an 87-year old man in a NH.

They acted on it.

I read and re-read what you wrote and wondered why you felt there was any wrongdoing. It isn't unusual for even good husbands to be attracted to other women. The problem comes when they act on it. What do you think happened between the two of them and why do you think that?

It's been going on since June and this lady hasn't been fired? It seems like something the facility should have taken care of as part of a moral/ethical staff/patient code. If you're serious about divorce consult with a family law attorney. You can Google "divorce attorney" or "family law attorney" with your city name and some references should pop up. Best wishes and sorry about your situation.

I don't understand why you'd be willing to throw away 25 years of a 'loving marriage' because you husband was basically out of his mind with this drug. If he literally wasn't in his right mind, and if he's not doing this weird behavior anymore, then why not just let this go? I could see being crazy mad at a husband that deliberately cheated on you, but sounds like he couldn't control himself. As far as this 'other woman' is concerned, I'd tell her that my husband is back to normal and apologize for his behavior. Then I'd have him moved to a different area where she isn't assigned. If she's 'slow' and has mental issues of her own, keep her away from him.