I had a bit of insight that I want to share. I worked myself into a lather the other day about something at the NH (did she had the chest xray, when did it happen, did the doctor get the film and not just the report) until I was on the verge of collapse. I took the weekend off last week from visiting Mom (it's a long drive, three hours round trip, takes mucho out of me).
I realized that getting bogged down in the details of her care is what psychologists call "displacement". You're upset about something, but you focus your concern onto something else to avoid looking at the thing that is ACTUALLY upsetting you. In my case, I'm upset that my mom has dementia, worsening CHF, has had pnuemonia almost constantly since January and is clearly getting frailer by the day. Is she activly dying? It's hard to tell. Her pulmonolgist said to me the other day (when I asked if we were at the point that we should call in Hospice) that he thought that we had one more emergency trip to the Hospital left and then we would see a really rapid decline. It was good of him to give a solid opnion, whether or not it was wrong. Since I've realized that I'm displacing all my angst onto the NH, I'm feeling much less angst-y. Just wanted to share.