I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
So .. this morning, stepsister reaches out via text, "is here any new news on the front with your dad".
I did tell her, as follows:
Me: Nothing really no .. I can tell you . kind of interesting . .. I did impart to case management there, the issue w/regard to possible addiction to OXY and to make them aware . and the response was a cursory glance thru the record where it was noted to me that hasn't been seen as an issue there".
Response from stepsister: Any word .. as to when he's coming home, if he's coming home .. is he able to get up out of bed on his own".
(all the while my home phone is ringing off the hook, from dad's residence, . and one can only assume that might be stepmom calling me .. I don't know that stepsister is in residence with her mom at that residence)
I answered stepsister's question above: "needs 50/75% assist to get out of bed, considered to be significant deficit so I'm told"
**Note - I didn't answer any question as to when or if he's coming home . specifically didn't answer to that question on purpose
Next thing, my cell rings and it's stepsister calling from her cell: Good morning .. I was just wondering has there been any discussion about him coming home . is he coming to the home, is he going elsewhere, do you have any information on that"
Me: "That hasn't been discussed at all .. I know case management will ultimately decide on a discharge plan but I'm not aware of that".
(all the while my home phone is ringing off the hook from the residence where my dad lives and I'm not answering it, don't intend to)
Stepsister: "okay . well . I mean .. I'd hate to think he would just suddenly land there at the house, no plan in place . ... that's not going to happen is it?".
Me: "Not sure if you can hear my home phone ringing here, it's your mom calling from their residence. Just so you know .. I've been advised to let you deal with your mom .. me, I'll deal w/my dad, so I won't be answering her calls .. but to answer your question .. I don't imagine that suddenly that would occur . that he'd be discharged and suddenly appear in the driveway of their home . there'd have to be more plan in place, I would discourage that if I were aware of that as any plan . at this point, I'm not aware of any discharge plans".
Stepsister now tearing up, beginning to cry: "Okay well .. (hesitation in her responding) .. this is all a very difficult situation .. I'm doing the best I can here to deal with my mom .. but this is all really chitty . I mean it, it's really chitty . that's his wife . and for him to put her in a position where she can't know anything at all, .. and she's frantic . and I'm doing the best I can .. (thru tears now) .. to keep a lid on her . but I mean . who advised you of that, was that your dad . that advised you to let me deal with mom and you deal with him . was that him .. ???...
Me: No, in talking w/case management there, and them trying to get a feel for the demographics of this whole thing and the history of why/how . etc . and them asking of me .. who does your stepmom trust . who can talk to her, .. and me telling them she has a daughter .. and them suggesting it best that you deal with her, for the time being and me deal on my dad's behalf for the time being"
((that's all a complete lie (therapeutic) on my part, case management hasn't advised me of anything .. it's the only thing I know to do .. I can't deal with him and her too))
((and yes, my phone . has continually rang . all morning, still ringing as we speak .. repeated calls from her .. incessant))
Stepsister, more tears: "Well this is all just completely chitty . I mean .. you can tell him I said that when you talk to him . if they want me to deal with her, then why can't I get thru to get any information . this getting it 3rd party from you . it's just chitty .. you can tell him that .. for him to cut out what is his wife . from any information and ability to get that
My vantage point, MO . they would both be fine to remain in the home . were she someone who was more trusting and allowed the help to the forefront that is so sorely needed on both their parts. Her on some meds to help with her agitation and anxiety and dementia .. and he with the actual physical help there, of someone to do the things around the house and attend to the many facets of what he needs, .. navigation as to doc appts and transport for same .. and bathing him .. and meals . timely .. and sustenance, hydration ..
That would all require she be a wholly different person than what is seen in her. She would have to be not so territorial and proprietary as to her husband and his needs . and welcoming of the assistance .. she's anything but.
Ultimately his decision.
At this point, I can only hope . as the CM said yesterday .. in describing that sometimes these folks have to go on to LTC for more rehab .. to build more strength . and their site is short term . no exceptions . it may be that his insurance and supplement has to kick in for a LT site . for a longer stay . and that can be up to 100 days .. and explaining the aspects of how insurance kicks in to pay for same .. that he may be assessed and directed in that path forward, for now.
I can only hope.
I'm guessing that my having brought that possible problem to CM's radar, . and her cursory look thru the chart, while on the phone with me .. I guess if they too were seeing it as a problem it might present in the form of him asking for more pain management med(s), more frequently than she was noting as she spoke to me, saying "hmm .. yea .. I don't see that has been a problem here".
Kind of interesting to note as that's a problem that, . gets a lot of h377 raised over it. To hear her tell it, he eats the things like candy, to excess. To hear him tell it, he takes "as needed". I don't know where the truth lies, .. but ... I'm guessing since CM didn't see it in the chart, as problematic, . perhaps .. dad is correct, and it's just one of the things K hyper fixates on.
I know she is opposed to pills in general for any dam thing. Her own daughter, who is bipolar can't even tell her mom the meds she takes, . her mom comes undone .. "That stuff is poison . you're going to poison yourself with all that" and gets all over wrought with it all.
My approach very much so, has been hands-off on the whole thing. I know her fixation with meds/pills .. and I don't live there, to truly see what goes on. Not to mention an awareness on my part, . the man is at the end of his life . .oxy addiction or whatever .. let him be.
Yes, dad lives 30/45 mins from me, depending on time of day, traffic back up etc. This Miralax run .. it was during the height of Covid . and those delivery services, all of them . were running 2 and 3 days as to any turn around time for orders. I did it, that one time . ran by and got Miralax . delivered it, . did a cursory glance from afar, . and was on my way.
Not anything I'd be in the routine habit of doing.
Yet one more example however, of how ill equipped K is as c'giver. Even I know .. about him and his weathering of the meds he takes, and the cancer tx . that he gets this issue ... vacillates between constipation and diarrhea. Even I, have an awareness around that piece of how he fares day to day and I don't live there.
Why .. .I mean . someone whose role is c'giver .. .and he certainly isn't traveling around the house . gathering his own needs for the most part, .. so obviously she has to be the one to walk to the cupboard to get out the Miralax .. not him .. doesn't occur to her . "gee, this bottle is getting really low, let me put that on he list". That and there didn't seem to be any urgency on her part, when that got imparted to me by my dad, . that he was out of Miralax . and needed more. Didn't seem to register as any pressing issue in her hemisphere. So I did it.
She .. so many examples, is just woefully ill equipped to be a c'giver .. to his many needs.
Says it all, that night I got the late night phone call, him sitting in chitapalooza . all day per her words . as she'd struggled all day with my (her words) "stubborn/ornery" dad .. that he won't *help her, to help him* get up . he's being stubborn . ornery ... that I need to fuss at him . set him on notice, that he's got to help her to help him . that she can't pull him up all on her own, he has to help her, .. but he's being stubborn, and no amount of trying to persuade her was going to change her mindset .. that he "can't" it's not that he "won't" do it, .. he "CAN'T", too weak. She seeing it all as him being stubborn. Within hours he in the ER and the dx a raging, pretty bad UTI that has developed into Sepsis. Yea .. he is being stubborn in not helping her to help him get up.
I know her brain is broken and as such one can't expect her to make reasonable/logic based decisions. But I'm human . it's frustrating.
I can't imagine how much more frustrating it would be to be ailing and sick . and have that as my resource for help.
No, K would probably be fine for now at home with meds for agitation and the same level of care as Dad.
It's her anxiety and agitation that is derailing all this.
Interesting, Dorker, about the CMs comment about the amount of Oxy that he is taking--that it's NOT problematic. You might mention that to stepsister. She clearly has bought her mother's delusional story line.
Or, time to call his Brother again.
Note: I DO NOT support either of those options!!!
If he had someone to cook and clean, grocery shop and remind him to take meds, he'd be fine.
Slow leads to Home. Though the 'frequent flyers' will slide back to hospital for falls, infections, chronic illness etc
Then Home after set time. If still not ready: Transitional Care. Another set time in another setting (often NH). Some will slide back to hospital again.
Like snakes & ladders! (No-one wants to play this game!!!)
Transitional Care proceeds finally to Home. Or doesn't & stops right there. If available, they may take a bed permanently. If not, 3 shiny brochures are presented for local options. If lucky, a loving family member has done the research & wait-listed them somewhere good.
When the brochures are slid over the tonne of bricks called why didn't I plan? falls from a great height. Nothing to be done but choose: Eeny Meeno Mo.
I imagine after the staff confers tomorrow there will be an assessment of how long they estimate he will stay where he is and what the projection is for discharge either home or to another facility.
Just something to keep in mind. I remember that it came as a great shock to us that the original rehab place we had arranged for wasn't keeping her.
Here is a link to a chart I found:
https://stcharlesrehabilitation.chsli.org/subacute-rehab-vs-acute
Keep those boundaries up!
Rain, that cracked me up. I thought it was just me, lol. TV phone or when an old person calls out for help on TV, or even a certain way the floor squeaks still gets me. And don’t even get me started on ambulance sirens when I am out for a walk. DH and I are measuring our recovery from major caregiving (I still have my difficult sibling from afar) by how we respond to those types of sounds:)
And Dorker, you have certainly earned your decompress:)
Some people are so capable and even thrive as they spin 100 tops at one time and keep them all spinning in unison . and do it with the greatest of ease, .. prefer it.
Not me.
Haha. I can admire all the spinning tops and ain't it pretty . but soon enough I'm gonna walk over and stop all of them, and stack them nice and quiet in the corner, and then go experience some "calm" . be that . mindless tv, reading, music .. talk to a friend on the phone . just decompress.
Anyhoo - my point between the phone and the fatigue is - it you don’t make some plans - some FIRM boundaries and stick to then this type of caregiving to difficult people can break you. Or at least a pretty bad sprain. It’s almost four years since my mom past and I am still so... BROKEN. No, wait... Damaged. That’s it, right?
Doker - if you are able to ignore the
phone and remember to take time each day for you and for your husband and are able to stick to it - you are so far ahead in the game than I ever was. Keep it up.
The timeline of my dad's events . they had a c'giver .. I'm guessing that was dispensed with maybe as best I can remember about mid March or end of March perhaps. And I think beyond that, any care on his behalf ceased. I would call every once in a while and ck in . but purposely not go there and put my eyeballs on anything . (why bother just to be shoo'd away) .. unless invited to do so. But by then .. COVID in full bloom and shut downs and told to stay away from the vulnerable and elderly, that's my dad . to a "t".
We have a daughter that lives with us .. (YD) works in a hospital and on the Covid floor . and so .. going anywhere near my dad .. was out of the question. Didn't do it.
Ck'd in periodically .. took an Easter dinner over and basically handed it off at the door and was on my way. Got a call he was out of Miralax .. got that . and just a visual from the doorway and then was gone.
So it's not like my phone rings with crises after crises, thankfully. But deterioration ongoing in his world, for certain in those weeks absent any c'giver on site.
And of course, the wear/tear/stress of the DD situation and trying to step up to the plate and be there, . in a big way . to childcare . til I kinda got to the point within myself .. "I'm not gonna be a crutch to all this . you're the mom . your kids .. his kids . you guys figure it out" and stepped back.
Just .. perhaps I don't wear the stress as well as I used to.
Yes, when that antibody test becomes more reliable and more available .. I intend to have it.
Got a call this evening from Rehab . but . felt good about ignoring it, he's in the care of pros there. Have no idea if it was a call from a staff member, or him . no one left a mssg, so I don't know, but I'm okay that I ignored it.
At that time .. I was fixing DH some dinner, and then subsequently sat down with him to interface a bit about our days and compare notes . and just .. downtime . and that's okay .. I need/deserve, normality. And I took it, and am not sorry.
There were days and weeks where I was SO tired. A tired like I’d never felt before or since. I was so tired I felt it all the down to my bones.
I could barely wait to get Rainman into bed so I could drop into bed myself. More often than not - I was in bed by 9pm. It certainly didn’t work wonders for mine and hubbys relationship. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to be touched. I just wanted to go to sleep and turn off.
The problem was - I have had pretty severe insomnia since I was a teenager. So, long about 1am I would wake up. Wide awake and sitting out on the deck chain smoking. If I was lucky - I could fall asleep again at around 5:30am and sleep two hours before Rainman woke up. It was a torturous cycle of tired to dead tired and back again.
I pray you never get as tired as I was during those years.
Certainly on your pencil and paper list to ask of the SNF.
Perhaps the admit person thought he was coming on on hospice care...
My very smart, un-guilt)-ridden sil always asked "why" when some administrative type told us something. Not sure what was different about her upbringing, but my brother immediately got that she was good as resisting authority. Best decision he ever made
Cancer/infusions, that I don't know, but stands to reason it's no different than the patient who has to be carted out for, like you noted, dialysis.
Find it hard to believe that wouldn't be possible. I know here in FL our governor re-opened . elective procedures . .. so that's not it .. one can certainly now select to have that much needed gall bladder surgery or that much put off, biopsy . .so forth.
My FIL ended up back in the hospital with a UTI and from there he was sent back to LTC on hospice and his chemo was discontinued because at that point the doctors said he wasn’t going to improve and would probably be gone in a matter of months. But before the UTI, he received chemo on a weekly basis.
I am not sure why cancer treatment couldn’t be accommodated? I am sure there are residents in LTC that have to leave for dialysis and regular doctors appointments.
1. Has anyone else had any experience w/regard to someone going into LTC setting and yet . receiving infusions for cancer tx. All I know is what that one social worker told me (hospital SW) that his cancer tx's would negate any ability to go into LTC . those wouldn't be accommodated. I don't know . doesnt' sound logical to me .. LTC residents are routinely carted out for doc appts . what makes cancer tx any different?
2. Fatigue . have any of you that have walked this walk . found the bone crushing fatigue I am finding? I've actually slept better the last couple of nights than I did for a while in all the continual saga that has been my world the last few weeks. The last couple of nights .. sleep didn't allude me thankfully. But I find that I am so so tired .. still. Anyone else experience that? And puzzling because really other than the phone flurries .. which have certainly taken place, I'm not out and about running my legs off behind all this saga ..
I would be passing along the advice I've lived . from my days as helper/helpmate to the MIL situation . were anyone that I knew in those shoes. Run for your life . unless you are willing to jump in both feet first . and headlong . run . run for your life ..
That one I did live .. and see/experience and have the tattered/torn tee shirt to prove it.
But that's only one experience . for me, thankfully. Now weathering the dad saga . and all it's ugly underbelly.
Thankfully . that MIl saga came along and I knew what to NOT get mired in .. and how it's such a slippery slope one finds themselves stuck in quicksand in it all, if allowing themselves to climb that slope at all.
I got to watch a LOT of eldercare happen over the years, from my own grandma, cousins' grandparents, cousins' parents, my parents, first husband's parents and current DH's mom. Not to mention a bunch of aunts and uncles.
I got to compare and contrast what worked and what didnt. I watched a dear cousin get bullied into unpaid caregiving, destroying his career and relationship. He committed suicide last summer.
What I've seen has informed what I pass on to you all. It's not anything about me; its ALL about the experience.
wouldn't' let her pay for me). She actually used a debit card . which she indicates a sit down sesh w/her DH . one of numerous sit down sesh's .. and that one of her demands . wants access to her own debit card . and he did oblige somewhere along in all this. She used her own debit card (which she didnt' have previously him limiting those purse strings) . and she paid for her's and her daughter's lunch out. And him at home watching the twins.
She made it a point to also tell us while out .. (in front of the 6 yo which I thought was odd, .. I'd be wanting to shield the 6 yo from all that dialogue) . but she said what she did, right in front of the 6 yo who didn't even register what had been said, she was busy coloring and not paying attn to adult talk , DD's words: "And I'll have you guys know that my DH is running inteference today .. he has . since the moment we got up this morning . if the kids needed anything . he's the one hopping to . to address it .. he has done all the laundry and let me relax .. and enjoy the day . and anything they whine and bicker about or need . he hops to . and sees to it".
So anyway .. a glimmer of light in that situation ..
Doesn't explain why he somehow found it suitable to encourage stealing, .. doesn't explain why as to so much of what has gone on . doesn't explain whether I have the true skinny as to the goings on in their world. Perhaps I don't and there's much more to the story than I've been lead to believe.
I don't need to know, to be honest .. you guys figure out your world, and I'll stay over here. Hands-off.
So anyway . just a little glimmer of perhaps some hope that things . at least some of the "things/stuff" that has gone on . can begin some improvement. All the "why" .. of the many aspects of it all, . up to them to sort thru.
Obviously he has some awareness the status quo can't continue . and spoke of such. Spoke of the fact, . he'd like to return home with some exceptions to that setting and a c'giver in place, and I countered that in conversation with him that I don't ascribe to that being viable . as K will make short order of dismissing any c'giver brought to bear, . thinking her/he an intrusion on her territory . been there done that. That then brought forth some dialogue from him as to his liquidity and so forth as to paying for LTC .. and that may be the setting in which he has to turn.
I think, . it's somewhat noted . at least IMO . that he has awareness of the needed changes. Obviously . as said before .. all the powers-that-be .. remind me continually . it's ultimately his decision to make, ... fully aware of that. If he makes the decision to return to his home . K as c'giver . there's not a dam thing I can do to change that, and GAWD knows .. I've voiced MO to him and everyone else in any role to listen . that's all I can do . that's all the powers-that-be can do too .. per their "it's ultimately his decision". Yep . got it.
Will he turn left at the fork in the road ahead? Who knows .. will he turn left and head into a different setting? Or will he head straight, right back into that sick/combative environment. I think probably the latter .. as the saying goes "the h377 you know, is always better than the h377 you don't know".
All I can do, is register my viewpoint and that I'm doing ..
I sometimes ponder (would have to only ponder, .. the only experience I've had in all this was with MIL . who is not my mom . and w/dad . who was .. shall we say . disengaged for most of my life) .. I do have to ponder at times . were this someone I'm strongly bonded to . and felt compelled to jump headlong . what would this whole picture look like. I dunno . not the case here.
Outside of the above .. I am staying out of it all. I haven't gone over to strong arm any mail out of K's hands . in an effort to make sure his bills are being sorted and paid accdgly .. I haven't gone on foot .. and ck'd out sites for the next stop in his journey . only to watch him cut the flooring right out from under that ultimately in the path straight back into his home . why bother. I haven't . don't intend to .. call up stepsister's DH . with a "hey how's about you send me a copy of that LTC policy .. I may not understand all the finite points . but I can sure pass it along to staff there at the Rehab site for some help . how bout it". Haven't asked, .. don't care, the time to have sat down with me and gone over some of these things . in the thinking maybe I could/would advocate on your behalf .. I begged you to do so . and you shoved me on away . at arm's length . where I'm more comfortable any dam way .. so .. so be it.
On another perhaps brighter note .. I'll take any glimmer of light I can find . and on the DD front.
Yesterday .. Mother's Day .. was an absolute pleasure . as much as I can de-escalate . something I struggle to succeed at, when tension fills the air.
Was able to enjoy a lunch out .. for Mother's Day (restaurants here, . some that have chosen to do so, can open at 25% capacity for seating and so we actually went to a sit down restaurant . not a take out as has been the case for weeks).
And .. her DH watched the twins. The 6 yo went with us, my request she join us. Not only that ... ya gotta understand . going out to lunch with DD . it never happens .. but when it does . it's usually my paying the freight for same. Not yesterday . . yesterday she was absolutely 100% firm . she wanted to pay her own way .. (mine too, but I wouldn't' let her pay
Do not get dragged into any of this, Dorker. Do not give even an inch here, as it will quickly become miles. You tried to get your father to get his affairs in order several times last year, and he kept putting it off and putting it off. So now there is no one to help him. Don't allow him to make it you!
Your job right now is to impart information about what you've observed. And to to tell dad that, sadly, no, you can't help. You gave him an opportunity in the past to empower you to help and he EXPLICITY rejected that.
And Baker Act for K sounds like good option. Sad but efficient.
As my mom often said, these folks who resist the direction of their smart and savvy kids are their own worst enemy. Dad has ignored your advice and will be, sadly, the worse for it.
"So, it's, really sad, dad, but you need to rely on case management to help you figure out what next steps are. I've given them all the information they need. I will call you and love you, but I will not support you being discharged home because it's not safe. K has dementia and isnt even safe herself, much less care for you."
Just to shut you up and get you off their phone so they can dispense with the next task on their to do list)
But I felt somewhat encouraged when the CM . mentioned that the MD there will take a look at where he's been/history . and where he is presently and it may be that he will need for a LTC . stay at a site. Theirs is a short term rehab stay . and that . sometimes these folks need longer, . to build strength . and sometimes it's even necessary to do a cog eval . and make a determination as to their mental capabilities . and that sometimes these things get referred on to LTC for continuing rehab . and explaining to me that his Medicare . and supplements would pick up an add'l 20 days . and beyond that, there is cost to him . but his insurance, will likely pick up that portion . his supplement . and that can . if needed . go on for 100 days . and so . it may be it needs that kinda time frame to see what is needed as to future discharge/placement ..
That sounded encouraging .. that there is another avenue .. rather than lather rinse repeat . .and back to home you go .. to the dementia wife and her c'giver skills or lack thereof.
the likelihood she'd remember it . and basis for same .. pretty nil . she'd still be on some page somewhere frantic that she can't find where he is . even though she's been told .. if she's been told (I really don't know, . haven't asked, don't intend to).
I do get it, ... why he would place himself in that status to duck dealing with her.
It's incessant and without reason or logic . how she does. Broken brain.
Calling him . .like it's the first time it's been asked, .. "When will you be coming home".
To him answering .. at least initially .. like it's the first time it's been asked, though he's already answered in his sick weakened state .. he answers . ."I don't know, I have to work to get stronger" ..
Her: "Well how long will that take
Him: I don't know, we'll have to see how I do in Rehab
Her: "Where, .. ???.....
Him: Rehab . that's where I'm going to be, so I can do PT and work to get stronger".
Her: "Why are you going there, . I thought you said you were coming home"
Him: No, I said I'm going to Rehab . where they can do daily PT . and I can work to get stronger".
Her: "Well you did PT here . at the house, why don't you just get that set up to do here at the house".
Him: I"m not strong enough yet . I can't even get out of the bed without assistance, I have to get stronger first".
Her: "Well, why are they putting you out of the hospital, . when do you get to come home".
And then to do it over . all over again . in maybe 2 hours or so . the whole conversation like it's the first time it's been asked.
I get it, I too would lose my chit . yes she has a broken brain . and so . one shouldn't get angry with her, to her . this is her reality . but a sick/weakened dad . who is fighting his own illness and frailties at the moment . can't withstand that barrage. I couldn't withstand it, and I'm not sick.
He wasn't always as ill as he is presently .. so why he chose to kick the can down the road . and not meet his head on .. I don't know. Obviously he didn't .. and nor has her daughter . who claims to have tried and tried and tried, to get her to agree to a nuero psych appt .. and she refuses .. chalking it all up to "For God Sakes, . I'm 81 yo . I'm gonna forget things . I don't need to go to a DOCTOR".
And refusal to do so, repeated refusal.
So I'm told, anyway. I'm not on scene to see all this, thankfully .. not much.
Yes, it's cruel that she is now of broken brain and . maybe if she hasn't been told . .and if she has . who knows if she remembers .. sad that she's such a paranoid . and considers everyone an intrusion into what is her territory and hasn't . at her stage of mental deficiencies . been someone who could "trust" in a c'giver brought to bear . and maybe if said c'giver was on site (isn't on site) . and someone she trusted . that person could settle her with repeated reminders, "no now Mr. B is fine, . we talked about that, . you don't need to worry about him" . and maybe it settle her some .. until 10 mins later, when she forgets that discussion that just transpired.
I don't know anyone that can deal with her, honestly.
As the case manager said this morning in our conversation . and me relating some of the finer points in all this: "yea, sometimes it takes a Baker Act . and a psych hold . these folks can get so far gone they're delusional . and sometimes . it's a psych hold that forces that cognitive piece . sounds like that hasn't happened in her case".
Me: No . not to my knowledge it hasn't.
So .. not at all to make excuses for him . he has left a whole helluva mess of lose ends . of things that he well had time to address, and the physical capacity at one point . and didn't do so. But presently .. yes . he is too compromised to stand and fight that battle. And I'm not gonna . so . where is he?
At the mercy of case management, ..
I felt better after talking to (but we'll see, I'll reserve judgement, they can say all kinds of things just to