I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
NO ONE likes to face aging. But that doesn't make it go away. MIL can live however she damn well pleases - after all she is a person not a turnip. However, if her living so DEPENDS on the participation of others - those others, whose lives are impacted, have a say. "yes, i'll do such and such. No, I can't do that" or "no, I'm out of it altogether. 15 years is enough. Time to focus on me and my grandchildren". You are WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS to say "no" and to refuse to be default.
No, DH doesn't get to shout at you. The pastor would agree that shouting at you is abuse and bullying.
I have a nagging question. Who is ironing MIL's P.J.s at SIL? Does SIL whip them out of the dryer the second it beeps? or is she running the iron over the P.J.s?
Enjoy your Christmas!! It sounds like the goon show is not going to start before January anyway.
All culminating in the final straw that broke the camel's back. In the fact SIL had been lamenting how despairing her mom is .. at the concept of being there in IL at all, doesn't want to be there .. she'd already lit DH up .. or tried to anyway (he stopped that) .. in the whole notion that MIL had to be departed to a different geography in the event of a storm here, a storm that never came .. and it has so displeased her mom .. to have had to be gone from here .. that alone making her mom so sad .. and so despairing .. and not wanting to be in IL at all ... but at her home.
SIL now on the train of thought that her mom's care .. too much for her, .. and expressing that routinely to me .. that she is having to gingerly, ever so gingerly .. present to her mom that AL may be on the horizon for her .. and that causing her mom so much sadness and despair.
Dialogue between the two of us .. on that topic ..
And my having suggested . maybe some counseling .. call in a psych eval while she's there in the hospital .. see if maybe she'd benefit from some counseling .. maybe some anti depressant as she weathers these huge life transitions ..
We know about her, that she's been in some kinda denial state about this whole aging process .. "this isn't me, this isn't what I'm about" .. that has been deeply pervasive for years. Maybe some counseling.
Make that as a suggestion .. and it gets no response .. no recognition other than .. her having said, "oh docs don't like to medicate people her age".
Holy crap .. I'm not talking about tranquilizers for God's sake! I'm talking an anti depressant . .maybe some counseling!
That was her only response. She didn't even acknowledge/address the counseling piece of any suggestion. I guess opting for the other, which would be to all of us wring out hands at the sadness that is, her mom and this huge transition that is facing her.
When I ultimately blew my stack .. at the fact that she sent a text here .. one that imparted the visiting nurse's glowing report of how things are with MIL .. and her out running a marathon or so SIL would try to sell it, . blowing sunshine up my skirt .. that all is right with the world .. and I blew my stack in that mis-sent text.
Then her answering that with .. "Even the health care folks say that we must always remember, she too is a person with her own wants/wishes as to her circumstances .. we have to always keep that in mind".
That did it. That was the straw that broke the camel's back finally.
Anger yes, at first, white-hot-raging anger, on my part. Anger that has now subsided to resolution on my part, . no longer anger .. just resolution that there are different approaches to all this. She's her mom . if she doesn't think counseling beneficial or anti depressants as to this transition in her mom's life and doesn't want to acknowledge that and or answer to it . .she doesn't have to. I get that .. her mom.
But I just can't be a part of the scene any longer .. no anger .. just .. a resolution on my part .. that my approach and her's .. are way way way different .. she wants her mom to be happy .. I get that. But ... some of that, isn't gonna be possible .. to the degree her mom wants it. So be it. So deal with it however you see fit and I'll stay out of it entirely .. you won't have to contend with my suggestions that you think useless. Nor my anger, . that you refuse to even acknowledge it as a suggestion. Deal with it yourself.
It is astounding . once some distance is put there .. that you can look at it a little more objectively. I am not angry and white-hot furious as I once was. More resolute now . that it's so clearly .. just it comes down to .. different approaches. Period.
I don't approach it the way she does .. and she's her mom, she has the trump card. So do it your way then.
Me: "well that's not real smart, but certainly she can do that if that's what she wants".
SIL: "I just feel so worried .. I mean .. she needs to have that dealt with, that broken tooth and she just says it's just too damn hard to get anywhere . she can't get herself there .. and .. it's just too hard trying to coordinate with who is available to get her somewhere".
Me: "Well hope you guys work it out .. gotta run".
Felt good to not answer that "bait". And yes, that's what I deem it. Baiting me.
In the end, .. she re-scheduled it, SIL did .. for the hot minute she'd be in town with her son and his family who were flying in for what would be a long weekend, to visit with MIL. And so she saw to it herself .. what would be about a month later . than would've been the case had I been the one to take her on that designated Thursday.
Wholly different planets and approaches. SIL ... there is a problem dujour at the moment, it must be answered to, and whoever has to move heaven and earth to get it seen to, must do so, and without haste.
My approach .. she chooses to continue to live alone . knowing it's a struggle to get anywhere to see to her many needs .. and knowing that she is vehemently opposed to asking "others" to help her, and you guys continue to allow it .. so she says she'll let the tooth just rot out of her head .. not a wise choice .. but she does have options .. options she doesn't wish to partake of .. so be it then. She can call on that supposed TEAM MIL (b'chit .. there is no team) .. she can wait til another Thursday that I can take her, ... or she can . as she says .. let it rot out of her head.
These two scenarios that rise to the top .. as very much so, in my view .. insistences where I clearly defined the "me" in this and didn't step to the need/want/whimsy/fancy, etc.
One of the reasons this all got to the point it did. SIL had no need whatsoever, IMO, to put either of the above on my radar ... she knew that I go there on Thursdays .. and that is firm. The dental appt. she should've if she was concerned about her mom's tooth . reached out, outside of my arena .. to the supposed TEAM .. to get it answered to, as to that Tuesday the dentist had availability .. or .. re-scheduled it for a Thursday that would work, and let me know. That's it. That's all she needed to do about it. But trying to "bait" me ... and the ill feeling in me, that there is still need .. need that no one is available to deal with (or refusal on their parts to partake of the availability that can be utilized .. public transport perhaps?).
My feeling, I want out of it entirely .. if I'm out entirely and clear on that, .. then it will not be put in my arena to even address and deny .. find another way to answer to it. Entirely.
The PJ's .. at least as far as I'm concerned . that .. if it were me, .. were it my mom. My mom would've been told, .. "gee mom . I don't think you should be doing that, doesn't sound safe". And what happens beyond that .. if she drags out an ironing board and does it inspite of that .. then . falls . and gets badly injured .. that's on her to now deal with .. she'd been cautioned. I wouldn't then be moving heaven and earth to get someone to the front to answer to what I feel is really not at all a priority.
Instead SIL wants to put it on my radar, and bait me, to see if I'll answer to it. No .. I won't.
For an add'l fee (SIL's pocketbook, not mine) .. she'd now iron the PJ's for MIL.
Whatever. Resolved.
It's astounding what different pages we are on with it all. To SIL .. every need/want/fancy/whim/whimsy .. must be satisfied. To me .. there is more of a delineation between what is a priority and what isn't .. and that .. falls firmly in the camp of ... yea we'd all like to have perfectly pressed clothing .. and .. sheets and towels too I suppose .. but we don't always get what we want .. life goes on.
Just two wholly different planets.
That one, FWIW .. never even got on DH's periphery as any issue. He's not gonna drag out an iron and answer to that .. no need to even put that under his sniffer to smell it and answer to it. Never was even aware that was yet again, from SIL's corner, .. a "bait" that was put out there, to see if I'd answer to it.
Another one was the ill fated dental appt. I'm slated, at that point, to take MIL to a dental appt., scheduled purposely by SIL for her mom, on a Thursday, me agreeable to same (MIL had broken a molar in the back of her mouth, dentist had seen it, .. but whatever it is that needed to be done, scheduled for another date, a Thursday . my agreed upon day to be to MIL's service, and me agreeable to that as an appt I'd get her to).
Ahh, but the dentist office called a day or two ahead and cancelled the appt., dentist needing to be out for some reason .. and so the appt needs to be re-scheduled. This phone call made to MIL, via the dentist office. MIL now .. aware she has real struggles with getting anywhere on her own .. now I suppose .. made SIL aware of this ... (why she doesn't handle matters on her own, I would attribute to some of her cognitive issues .. and the logistics of it all, too much for her . but whatever . .it gets put on SIL's radar, that the dentist has called and cancelled that appt and wants to re-schedule).
Yet another time I was baited.
I knew this was an issue, as SIL had already called YD to see if she'd be available on Tuesday .. (they know that YD is off work on Mondays and Tuesdays) . and SIL had already attempted to get YD on this .. and the dentist had availability on Tuesday). YD already slated at that point, to take Fido to the vet .. for MIL on that date . her b'friend in town briefly .. and not wanting to be of service to MIL all day .. so she could spend some time with her b'friend .. declined that. I had been privy to that conversation as YD expressed some frustration at having been asked from afar to now step to that need also .. as well as Fido's vet appt. I heard YD on the phone with SIL. She told her no .. that she'd be glad to do it the next week .. Monday or Tuesday .. when she's off, but that particular Tuesday she was already slated to take Fido to the vet for MIL .. and that her b'friend is in town and she wants to do some things with him . .so no . .she wouldn't be available.
I heard this phone conversation ongoing between YD and SIL.
Next thing I know, I'm now getting a text from SIL. SIL had no way of knowing I'd been in earshot of that prior conversation she'd had with YD.
SIL: "oh man .. that dentist appt you were to take mom to on Thursday .. they've called her and the dentist has to be out for some reason .. he can't see her, .. they had an opening on Tuesday .. and I asked YD about getting her there, but she can't do it .. ".
Me: "Sorry to hear that, maybe get it scheduled for another Thursday and I'll get her there".
SIL: "It's just so hard to get an appt with these folks, I don't know why it seems like they are always booked. Guy must be really popular".
Me: "What about her TEAM ... any of them available?".
SIL: "You know how she is, she hates to ask anyone to help her .. she won't ask . she just says that she'll let the damn thing rot out of her head .. she's just sick of the struggle to get anywhere .. it's too hard"
One of those .. was the caper with the un-ironed PJ's. SIL now texting me .. at that point .. (and this is after I'd clearly laid out boundaries I will go there 1 day per week and was FIRM in that). Her texting me that she felt worried .. her mom now talking of dragging out the ironing board, to iron her PJ's. The woman lives, daily in PJ's .. rarely getting dressed. Housebound, for all practical purposes.
That is indeed a worry, a valid concern. The woman does good to stay upright even holding onto a walker. Now she's gonna drag out an ironing board and brace off, to do this ironing how? She'll be in a heap in the floor with a hot iron on top of her, in short order and an ironing board. I get it that's a worry.
I'm sure this "baiting" me .. (or that was my perception anyway) .. SIL would've been quite happy had I responded, .. "oh no . no no .. we musn't let her do that .. no that's far too dangerous . look I go there one day a week .. I'll put that on my list to see to it when I'm there, .. no .. let's get that taken care of".
But that's not how I saw it.
SIL's and my approach two different planets.
SIL's thinking on it - we simply have to find a way to resolve this .. someone has to be called to the front to answer to this want/need ..
My thinking - Priorities here folks! Ironed PJ's aint one of em. Too damn bad .. she can either decide that 100% cotton PJ sets aren't what is gonna be workable and go to polyester that doesnt' need ironing.. or .. she can just live like the rest of the world, .. h377 once you sleep in them, they need ironing again .. not a priority for me . and no I won't be answering that bell.
The conversation went about like this:
Me: You've gotta be kidding me, .. she actually thinks she can stand at an ironing board .. h377 she thinks she can drag an ironing board out and get it upright .. you're kidding right? And for PJ's?!?!?!? No .. she just needs to find a way to live with un-ironed PJ's .. she never goes anywhere, nobody is coming over ..
SIL: I know ridiculous right? But I guess, .. I dunno .. she comes from that generation that ironed everything .. I can remember g'ma ironed their sheets even .. I guess it's just deeply ingrained in that generation. It just worries me, she'll fall trying to do that.
Me: "Well I wish her well with it, that doesn't sound like anything she needs to be attempting to do.
SIL: "I wonder is there somebody that I could pay to come in weekly to iron her PJ's for her".
Me: (laughing) .. no .. not that I know of .. nobody I know . really even uses an iron that's what a dryer is for ..
SIL: Yea that's probably part of the problem .. you or I hear the dryer buzz and we go get our clothes out and fold them .. her .. ???.... she struggles so to get around from point A to B . and she may even be napping or whatever when the dryer buzzes and so her stuff sits in the dryer .. til she gets to it . and it's wrinkled I guess .. before she gets it folded
Me: Nah . that's not anything I'm gonna want to take on .. she can live in PJ's that aren't ironed for all I care, I do. So does probably a lot of the population. Not a biggie for me ..
Next thing ya know, the housekeeper had been contacted by SIL and her agreeable to now take on that task in her every-other-week visit to MIL's .. to clean the house, .. now, .. for an add'l fee, she'd also iron
Maintain your schedule with your therapist. Do not allow holiday prep (a classic pitfall for givers/fixers) to eclipse your appointments. Put yourself first.
Dorker - Your #1 priority is to Reinforce You.
DH is seeing the light, in his own crippled way. That said, DH has not evolved enough to consistently support The New You.
Not even close.
This is a loss for DH.
You have been DH’s fairy dust and the (wo)man behind the curtain for 30+ years. He never spent one minute of your marriage considering how he would/could step up for his own family — outside of his “hammer-and-nails” contributions.
Why? Because DH never had to. Super Dorker kept the machine humming.
I’m not defending DH’s checked-out state. But as you know, DH is a lonnng way from truly seeing things your way. He has his moments of clarity. But overall, DH is fully invested in licking his wounds and wondering what the h*ll happened to the imperfect perfect system that he took for granted.
Again, Dorker - Your #1 priority is to Reinforce You.
Schedule your tree-trimming and gift-wrapping and quest for the perfect ham ALONG WITH your self-repair. 💕 Not instead of.
Your therapist can give you the tools to set aside some of the ruminating and truly move forward.
Dorker, you SO deserve this. Do the work and embrace it. (Big hugs!)
Much as the car tag issue remains unseen to, .. so it will go with anything else involving all of this. The very reason I've been driven to almost a damn nervous breakdown with it all.
There was a time that I'd of been in it all, and trying to direct traffic .. and been the subject of being ignored by the SIL .. and anger/animosity from him .. and so I have exited.
Still haven't found the door to exit the strife and angst from it all. But I keep trying.
No, he's not gonna be the one to field a hundred texts from SIL as to all the endless need. It will go ignored, for the most part, .. unless he can turn to blast Dorker into action .. with word and anger. And of course when Dorker pushes back with a "Dear, remember we talked about how this all might look, what plan did you and your sister devise to address all this?". That will get more argument and more anger/animosity .. rather than .. the calm .. "Ya know, you're right, this is between me and my sister .. I'll get with her".
Sometimes I think you guys are right, .. AL may be off the table as an option with her limitations being what they are. Won't know til we get there, I suppose. If we ever get there .. it may be that's nothing but a big red herring. But I do have to kinda snicker a bit when someone here said that their LO had to sit for some evaluation, .. a clock drawing, and repeat a sentence, etc. Same kinda cog thing that I pushed for and was ignored. I guess, .. if AL is to be, .. that all important cog assessment, or some variation thereof, it's gonna happen afterall isn't it?
Yes, SIL far more suited to run around the moon and then to mars as to all the hundreds of needs .. far more suited to that than is DH. But that would mean she'd have to get agreement from her mom that IL is where she will agree to stay. That's not gonna happen. And .. SIL is not gonna move to FL.
So hire a personal aide, .. ??....all I know about that is what a fight it was, tooth and nail, to even get her to entertain the notion of allowing "OTHERS" to address needs. And in the end, that whole concept, .. the TEAM MIL .. that was devised, was a big bust anyway .. in that, she wouldn't call upon any of the supposed TEAM MIL .. when there was need.
SIL aware of need, whatever it was ... and then circling it back through me .. in a form of "baiting" .. "oh gee, mom's dental appt you were gonna take her to, it got cancelled, they called her, and the dentist won't be in that day . had some emergency .. so now it has to be re-scheduled .. and it's so hard to get an appt there, .. wonder if you could take her Tuesday .. they had an opening that day".
No SIL .. I am working that day sorry .. not available, but hey what about some of that TEAM you guys put together
SIL: "No well you know how she is, she hates to ask anybody, .. ya know she's really pretty frustrated .. she says she'll just let the tooth rot out .. it's too hard to find a way to get to these things".
Me: "Really? Well, she can wait until there is another Thursday appt available, be glad to take her, .. or she has that TEAM now .. she can call upon them . or hey remember we talked about those modes of public transport, she has options'.
SIL: "I know it's just so hard for her, she hates to call upon others .. and she really doesn't want to be carted around by strangers .. ".
Baiting me.
Me: "Well, I hope you work it out .. gotta run".
In the end, the above appt got moved to a time slot she'd be here, in town for like a hot minute with her son and his family who wished to fly down this way from IL to visit with MIL.
Baiting me is what goes on.
If MIL returns to a facility in Florida, how is SIL going to visit her daily?
I don't think MIL will be coming back. Has anyone started a book yet?
"Oh Shizz - she’s still going to need stuff? Oh double-shizz - Dorker’s still going to step out? No kissy kissy make up call with all back to “normal”?"
And at that point he apparently decided it’s NOT going to happen in FL! (which was a really good revelation, btw) I’m glad you are making that point clear as day. It just might start the ball rolling for some real talk on the siblings’ part…
From personal experience, the needs were as great for my mom whether she was living at her place, or in the AL. They were a little different, but still a whole lot. The only thing that dropped off slightly was the worry.
The new needs were haircuts, “family” activities scheduled by the AL, doctors appts. and med procuring continued, clothing, slippers, shoes, grooming needs, hobby supplies, agency and service scheduling, finance… She wanted a telephone in her room, cable for a tv, a more comfortable chair, a better reading lamp, daily newspaper delivery. And of course, the b*tching and unhappiness continued, just with different problems and folks. There was always something! Maybe even more than before, if you can imagine that.
Will DH be up for all that? Will SIL be texting him madly each day about buying mom’s magazines, taking her to the hairdresser, picking up her favorite lipstick, having mom’s toenails cut, providing her favorite snacks cause she hates the food so much, getting her a new robe or undies or support stockings, speaking to the “mean” attendant about her attitude? (Not to mention docs and medical stuff, which does not go away until hospice is declared.) As I understood it here, hospice takes a doctor to anticipate approx 6 months more of life.
To me, catering to all the infinite little needs sounds like it is right up SIL’s ally… She would be best for the role, right there in IL. Hope DH can see that and that he can set her straight. Just maybe he could offer to fly there and help choose a good facility.
SIL COULD try to bring MIL back to her home in FL, but I think DH knows that if that happens, he is up to bat, and will fight that tooth and nail.
A good bet that MIL will either stay in IL with SIL or move to a NH if SIL decides she can't handle it imo.
Take it from experience, as long as MIL is in FL, her ever pressing life needs will be on your (or your hubbys) shoulders, until she goes to that big cloud in the sky. You guys have no idea what the future holds, she may end up with the big C or other major health decline or catastrophe, and need Hospice Care, which is difficult (but not impossible) to manage in an AL setting, and she would likely end up in Nursing home care (if she is even AL material at this point, and I have my doubts on that), and then your life will become even that much more tethered to her, out of Love and Responsibility of course, it just will.
She is Much better off to remain in her daughter's care, as SIL is going to make your living he**, managing her Mother's care from afar, and SIL has much greater investment in her life.
Afree caring for my FIL in our home for 13 years, and we'd had enough, we moved him into AL right around the corner, and it was Almost Worse looking out from him from this short distance, as he was so used to having us care for him 24/7, it was a difficult transition for both my husband and FIL, Think FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt instilled into my husband from such a young age by his Narc Father. My hubby was there Every day, sometimes twice a day, and running errands for him non stop, in addition to taking him to All said appointments.
It was a Very expensive trial, as after only 12 weeks in A ( think 25 grand at least, after all said and done!), a hospitalization for a fall/pneumonia/CA diagnosis, and he was right back in our home on Hospice care, as my husband was hardwired to care for him to the end.
Being the good wife that I am, and Knowing that the end was near, I agreed to take this on as I too, am from a family that "takes care of our elders to the end", thankfully his suffering with Cancer, and the great help we received from Hospice, plus the fact that it was fairly short term, 9 weeks, we are somewhat resigned that we did the right thing by him, but I tell ya, caring for him for So Long Really took the life out of us, took it's toll on our marriage, and recovering from the Whole Process has taken me a good year to get over the grief and depression, having been mired it for so long.
Boundaries Boundaries Boundries! Do not let up! She is not your Mom, and those 2 have got to figure it out on their own! There were many times that I was caught in the middle or blamed for things that did not go perfect or as planned, in regards to his care, don't let this happen to you! I'm Boy, I'm So glad it's over!
I worked as a PT caregiver for an elderly woman who had burned her family to a crisp. I worked as many hours a week as she needed, doing all the things that you are worried sick you're going to be called upon to do.
Doctor's visits, hairdresser, mindless endless shopping (sloths move faster)...whatever her mind could conjure up---I did for her.
No drama, no fuss. The family ADORED me as I was taking all the worst parts of elder care off of them. It was my JOB. She could be difficult, but even on the worst of days, I'd just go home and forget about it all.
This is probably the best solution for MIL. Once she's ensconced in an AL, hire a PT caregiver to do all the ridiculous running with/for her. You will find that your relationship with MIL and DH will improve when every single conversation you have with them will not be centered around MIL and her needs and wants.
SIL can micromanage from IL. She never needs to call you or DH. She can call the caregiver and coordinate drs appts and such.
No, it isn't free. But what is your marriage worth to you? What is peace of mind worth?
And BTW, I am glad to hear that DH is saying "I need to tell SIL that Dorker is well and truly OUT"...maybe he will tell her, maybe not, but just him saying that is HUGE step.
These people really don't understand that the "being on call" fulltime is not an option for you, or even for paid caregivers. It destroys any personal life - a human being is entitled to a personal life. MIL really did a number of DH and SIL didn't she?
So I speak up (used to anyway) .. "hey you guys ... ya know, it's getting to be too much, her care .. it really is .. we need add'l resources here, others to be brought into the scene".
History yes ...
But history has taught me .. the mother drives the initiatives here. The mother, not wanting add'l "others" brought to bear, .. well by golly that's what we'll do.
Would be the same thing with the scenario I'm speaking of. Mother wants FL .. and so FL it will be. How that will work, . not a problem for anyone to sort thru.
History, history history!
But I have been on the bottom end of being maligned far too often for my efforts. Thus, I don't want to be a part of it all going forward.
So MIL now in FL . in AL somewhere, .. doc wants her seen for blah blah blah .. and there she gets the recommendation she do thus and so .. and that requires yet another trip to get such and such test and so forth and she needs to take blah blah meds .. and there is no follow thru .. and so you have Dorker over here jumping up and down .. "this is ridiculous you guys, the docs said ________ and ______and they want her taking _______ and she doesn't wanna do it, why are you guys running me all over h377's half acres to do all this .. ".
Nope .. don't want it.
But it's coming. The lack of any plan .. it's coming.
If you are accurately describing the conversation you recently had with dh - and I know you are - it seems to me he has it in his head that SIL will call you, you two will kiss and make up - then the two of you will put your heads together and determine a nice plan for MILs AL placement. One in which - if MiL is in IL sil will take care of everything. Or - MIL is in an AL in Fl where Dorker will take care of everything. After all - sil did as directed by dh and called Dorker and all details and ill will was “ironed out”. Easy peasy, right?
Now everything is shiney bight in dhs world once again. Free
to church and hunt at will. Free to call Huntin’ Cousin... cause Huntin’ Cousin is available as well - to hunt. Huntin’ Cousin can always go to VA when his 90 y/o mother has her next heart attack...For Christ sake!!!
Even still, his work, precludes much on weekdays that he can be a part of, as to picking her up and hauling her hither and yon to doctors.
He is self employed, and employs our son in law .. so their household also depends on that income.
If he's over at an AL .. prompting and prodding his mother along, as to getting ready (takes an hour or more, to stay after her to accomplish .. I speak from experience on that). Then of course, the long arduous process to get her out and into the car, .. and then off to the doc .. then from there, the arduous process of getting her from point A to B .. to the doc office, then the wait .. the wait in the waiting room, now you finally get to the back . and finally a doc comes in .. and so whatever, whatever is done .. and talked about. Now you can start the arduous process back home. Probably, most times, about a 1/2 day if not a bit more, the whole thing . just to get her to a doc appt.
That is no stretch.
So yea, okay .. so he's given up hunting/churching (not gonna happen) .. and vowed to be there to haul his mom to doc appts .. and so .. yea maybe even an appt that crops up .. oh I don't know .. once every few months .. yep .. okay .. so deal with it DH .. it's only every few months . .you'll manage.
But that is not the case with her. There are dental appts, there are labs ordered, there are podiatrist appts., ortho appts., neuro appts., cadio appts, PCP appts, dermo appts, vision appts., eye health appts (has eye issues) and any others that get ordered, MRI/CT .. etc etc etc. And any of the above can crop up at any given time, and do .. as par for the course with an old person .. and usually with a lot more frequency than is the "every few months, so deal with it DH".
So what do other folks do that have an aged frail parent that doesn't live where they do .. and is in an AL.
I don't know . probably some insistence, or attempt thereof . to help the parent come to terms with their having to be set up in a different geography.
No? Don't wanna entertain that notion.
Then, .. my guess is this goes on other places, settings .. and I suppose the responsible point person then has to be in touch with the docs .. post visit .. as it's known MIL isn't really capable of sorting thru all the information given to her and processing it, to then act on it, and . more to the point pass it along with any accuracy. So .. my guess is that whoever is point person .. is gonna have to be in touch with doc if they have any questions as to what was said/done.
That's about all I can figure. But this isn't mine to help them sort thru.
I've been told too many times that I have "control" issues, for my efforts at trying to get things looked at, and addressed. As it was said to me, "GAWD DORKER, so you suggest something and it doesn't get followed through on . you aren't the end-all-be-all, say-all of this thing ..". Gotcha! Read ya loud and clear.
The two of them should be sorting thru some of that .. "Gee brother of mine, ya know it dawns on me, it's gonna be a real problem here .. ya know mom is really opposed to staying here in IL . for AL or anything else, she wants to come home to FL .. but ya know .. I realize you will have a hard time staying after the numerous doc visits and so forth .. and so .. I'm really trying to sort thru what that's gonna look like in FL .. her needing to get to a doc .. and someone being the responsible party to make that happen and more to the point, garnering the necessary information imparted and what to do about it, .. I'm really struggling with how all that might look".
Nope. Doesn't work like that. Nobody talks.
And - no, of course there was nothing Huntin’ Cousin could have actually done. Nothing like performing heart surgery himself...
BUT. Perhaps he could have provided some comfort and reassurance to his father or his brother - both of whom are likely scared and tired. Or even - YIKES - perhaps - comforted his mother!?!
Just sayin’...
Why should SIL call you? to chew the fat about the good ole days? You are OUT of all things MIL caregiving - SIL needs to call DH. DH needs to do more than pray for her.
Time to put these two cats in a bag, tie the top, and let them fight it out. By your holding firm you are forcing this to happen.
DH isn't getting it - is he? SIL "MIL needs this Doctor appointment" and burns up his phone with texts and calls. He is working at a site. "Dammit Dorker, for Chrissakes, I'm working here. why can't you just...." and it gets dumped on you. You know this will happen. DH past behaviors. You will be called cruel and mean and everything. It doesn't matter that you have told him over and over. HE is not doing any planning for when MIL is in AL in FL, so when he is in a bind - old behaviors will show up.
by the way - has the Pastor talked to him about MIL and how he plans on "honoring his mother" without dumping all on his wife? Or has that little squall been put to bed in Pastor and DH's mind?
Stay strong though, it is the only way to force these two yahoos out of the "dump on Dorker" fall back position.
Geez, I feel for you and look forward to the first few MIL in AL crises and you stay firm and these two finally get it. Dorker is not the default plan. Gosh, now what are we gonna do. And heaven help us if DH has plans to hunt, church, take orphan boys somewhere, or any thing he has plans for. He isn't going to drop these to take MIL to a doctor, or pick up dog food, or bring her out some grapes that she left of the list, or check on her because she "feels funny". Fine - but then he and SIL need to figure out WHO will be the default for the many mini-crises. And it isn't Dorker any more.
Families go through this all the time - people get old, people need help... This family is not unusual - only in the fact that the children won't take responsibility. They really expect to be able to dump it on you.
You have made it so clear that you did all you can and you can't do it anymore. It doesn't matter that it was OK "back when" and that you have a giving, nurturing nature... that all has nothing to do with things now. This is not a case of "you should do your part and help" - it's way beyond that. You did your part and more and that is over. It has to be over. You should not be vilified for that.
Glad that you have some medication. I took Xanax after the death of my father to deal with panic attacks over family stuff. (I was his caretaker and executor.) I didn't want to "take something" - I thought I could handle things but it just got worse and worse. So I did do that and it did help.
Saying things to myself like "Don't react." and "I have no control over that." Or "Ok God, you take it." helped too.
Keep on. You're doing great in this very difficult time.
I noticed yesterday that the envelope sent to DH .. by his sister .. something to do with the car tag renewal sticker on the mother's car here locally. They had paid for it, via the mail, . but the sticker never arrived. So, she'd sent DH some paperwork on that, .. that he is to now . I suppose .. go into the local DMV with paperwork in hand, and get resolution to that issue, walk out with renewal sticker in hand, and apply it to mother's car tag.
That envelope it sits where he left it when he opened it and read it, unaddressed and dealt with.
Likely forgotten entirely.
Not a big deal, in that the auto in question is parked in the garage of MIL's vacant home and not being driven other than to just crank it periodically to make sure the battery doesn't die. So .. an expired car tag .. not a biggie .. not right now.
The tag on the car expires the end of this month, they won't even be back here until January .. and . one can hope he intends (he doesn't, he's forgotten it entirely) .. to go to the DMV, paperwork in hand .. at some point .. even a month or two from now .. and get it all resolved. No harm no foul.
But .. there ya go ... there's a reason they had Dorker on this .. all this time. Dorker was a "get it done" sort.
DH .. he is too, if it's something that is of interest to him .. he's a "get it done" also. This, .. all this minutia as to the care of his mom and her situation .. so a non-issue .. always has been, always will be.
#1 She gets a pretty card
#2 You can express your genuine feelings freely and with warmth
#3 It can't develop into a fraught conversation
But outside of that, I am not interested in anything related to sitting vigil at the bedside in a hospital confinement as has been the case prior . nor doc appts./labs/procedures/tests, etc. That is no longer going to be part of my existence). But she doesn't call .. even though prompted numerous times, has many excuses why she can't do so. One of them being that her mom is right at her elbow at all times. So go to a local McD's and have a soda and have a conversation .. for crying out loud. But nope .. doesn't happen. So be it.
But anyway, I'd been debating how to reach out to MIL . and extend my concern on behalf of her sister ..
It's not MIL I'm upset with. As I've said all along, .. I don't hold her to the same accountability that I do her son and her daughter, in all this. My belief, ferevent belief . she is cognitively impaired .. and as such .. yes ... makes demands and so forth that aren't . IMO .. realistic .. but she can't think right anymore. It's her son and daughter, who supposedly do think right .. but don't do so. And let the mother drive the whole thing with her unrealistic view of how things should pan out (AL in FL being one of them).
It's not MIL that I'm as upset with, and frustrated.
So I'd been debating how best to extend my concerns to MIL . .at her sister's latest maladies. I'm sure that is stressful to the mom .. that's her only remaining living sibling.
Didn't want to have to get past the gatekeeper to get to her though.
Found DH talking to his mom last night, and I guess you could say I hi-jacked their conversation .. took the phone from him .. and extended my concerns .. and listened to her tale of woe .. as to the whole saga with her sister and worries there, .. then talked some more about other non issues . just stuff. Then handed the phone back to DH to finish his conversation with her.
So any notion that I have chit canned his family .. there ya go. I haven't done any such thing.
And in the end, .. I don't really care, at this point if the SIL ever calls. DH has been informed where I stand .. and that's how it shall be left.
Now should they bring her here, and magically some AL opens up and this is all dispensed with in short order, .. and then .. SIL waltzing back to her life in IL . and then DH coming at me, "Sister is after me, that mom needs to be picked up from the AL on "x" date .. she has a doc appt ... and I can't do it, I have to do thus and so".
The answer will be: "DH I told you months ago, that's nothing I'm going to be addressing . you and your sister need to work that out".
There will be a fight .. there always has been .. and I will be told how selfish/cruel I am .. and that I am chit canning his family and so on. It will happen.
Thus the reason I am on anxiety meds and in therapy and trying to back away from all this. I don't wish to fight about that which I have already made my wishes known, as clearly as I know how to make it known.
Mmmmppphhhh.
Ugh.
I love husbands very much as a concept, and as a rule.
But when you begin to think you will need the help of a friendly neurosurgeon to get a particular datum into their heads...
Dorker, your mantra on the AL in FL subject must alternate between "she is YOUR mother" and "she is not my mother."
The poor lad really is struggling with this key item, eh.
DH, now frustrated as he can see the writing on the wall, that I have staked my spot in all this .. you can see the frustration on his face, .. and not only that the shear fact this had never even dawned on him, not even a slither of an iota.
Me: "I don't know why your sister hasn't called me, but it's not surprising to me, as I've told you, .. she has a deeply ingrained pattern of diverting and ducking and dodging any real dialogue with me .. making excuse after excuse .. all while walking away from all this and dumping it back on me .. I'm just telling you that won't happen anymore. I will . if your mom wants .. I'll be a part of her world, in a true daughter in law sense, .. I'll bring her flowers, I'll go visit .. I'll take her to lunch if she's able, or go have lunch with her .. I'l go visit . but I am out of any c'giving role here".
DH: (now angry that the sister hasn't reached out to me) .. "Why hasn't sister called you? I tell ya what, I'm gonna let her know . that Dorker is out of this .. entirely .. she will not be seeing to mom's doc visits . and that I can't do it on any kind of a routine basis .. I have to work, I am not retired like she is .. that if she can't talk to you and get this ironed out .. then she can keep mom in an AL in IL . and she can deal with it .. ".
Me: "You don't even need to do that DH .. if she isn't self motivated to work thru all this .. then .. the chips fall as they may . but they don't fall on me, not anymore. I can tell you what your sister is going to say .. she's going to recite the fact that your mom . is still a person with thoughts of her own and wishes/wants as to her setting . and that too has to be considered in all this and she doesn't want to be in IL .. she wants to be in FL".
DH: "I don't care, it's not about what she WANTS .......... it's what she NEEDS is the bottom line . .and sister is either gonna get this worked thru, or she can keep her in IL in an AL there, too damn bad".
That's the last it was spoken of.
I am taking my anxiety meds the doc doubled up for me .. and increased the dosage of .. I am backing away as advised by my MD .. and my therapist .. and not being a part of any "well did ya DH, did ya talk to your sister .. ????.....what'd she say DH".
Hasn't been mentioned again.
Do I hold out any hope at all that he has done what he said he'd do in reaching out to his sister. Not one iota. Nobody talks to anybody. See the above dilemma .. don't you think if SIL were entertaining the notion and maybe investigating . just a sliver .. of AL in FL . and that path/route . don't ya think that's kind of an important aspect that should be being discussed. I do.
In truth, it shouldn't be on me at all to have even thrown that scenario out there, "so DH .. AL . and FL . how does that work as to getting to and fro doc appts?, not gonna be me . just so ya know". Shouldn't of even been mine to come up with as any scenario that needs answering to.
This is all SO SO VERY MUCH an issue that you would think would've dawned on one of them, as they at least talk of .. whatever degree that is ongoing .. any AL placement. So obvious that it hasn't even been so much as a thought .. from SIL or from DH.
So be it. Boundaries. I'm sticking to them. You guys do what you will, AL .. FL .. IL .. whatever .. do whatever works for you . .just know that the support system you think should be here, is not.
And on another note, .. as to the chit canning of DH's family. I talked to MIl for quite a long while last night. I had been debating how best to make that happen and not have to run past the gatekeeper in SIL .. who refuses to call me and discuss anything of substance (she will hear if she would ever call, that I am no longer . the resignation has been turned in . in any c'giver role .. that I will be a DIL and nothing more, I will go visit . maybe pick up some Depends on toothpaste or whatever .. but