Is there was a thread or support discussion for caregivers who care for private clients, not their family?

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I know dealing with family is kind of the same thing, but would like to get connected to others who help private clients.

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Thanks Ladee C.
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TooMuch .. if your family is so unsupportive of your needs, they obviously don't really want your help. So, as you say, surrender to the moment and stop trying to 'fix' stuff.

I live with another caregiver in the home of our friend/client. For the first two years, I thrashed and beat my head on the wall over the differences between the two of us caregivers. Much of which had to do with some personal ethics. I threatened to leave, I tried negotiation. Nothing worked. My personal commitment is to see Edna through to the end .. whatever it takes. And what that took was sacrificing my ethics about HER behavior/tactics. I just gave it up to the universe and stopped the fighting. You'll have to do the same until you find another situation. Just grin and bear it.

It's. Not. Worth. The. Fight.

Not if you don't have someone else in your corner. Make another commitment with yourself .. to get out. Set a date, and tell everyone. You're leaving on such-and-such. And spend the rest of the time getting there. You'll find it, because you're determined to do it. And, meanwhile, if you're hanging onto any guilt, let it go. You've done your best and your first commitment is to you and your children. Don't worry about the caregiver 'winning' .. it's not your concern, and in the long run, who really cares?

The bottom line is: how you feel and react is a choice, believe it or not. Draw an imaginary line in the sand of your feelings and step over it. It IS that easy. Been there, done that. And when the 'stories' start spinning in your head, SHUT them DOWN. Distract yourself with something else, anything else.

Wishing you the very best with it.
LadeeC
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Hello all. Ive surrendered to the fact that this situation will not change. So Im basically asking for tips on coping until I can find a better living situation. I hope you dont mind me venting though, because that is the only way I can cope so feel free to skip over this ... Ive mentioned before, if I were the person paying our weekday caregiver she would have been gone a long time ago. Ive held many jobs. Ive also been a personal assistant. I have never been permitted to behave the way this woman behaves on a daily basis. She and the weekend caregiver are friends so she feels she is the one who should be telling the weekend caregiver what to do. Not only that but she calls her to gossip about us while she is in our home. Our weekday caregiver and I had a heart to heart. I expressed how much I and the entire family appreciates her. We even discussed our different backgrounds growing up. She has been on her own for many years whereas I remained at home until I got married. I thought we had reached a place of understanding. Much to my dismay she took my conversation to the weekend HHA, flipping the story around saying something to the effect of Im embarassed because I dont know how to do anything...and that she should be paid extra for the things she is doing ...I felt sick to my stomach. I have given this woman so many chances. She thinks nothing of coming in late without calling, leaving early and bringing her child to work. I guess our family works for her. How lovely.

I work from home and its all very distracting and disruptive. Its clear she wants me gone and she will soon get her wish.
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Veronica .. ain't THAT the truth? Sometimes I've written these really lonngggg missives and they vanish .. only to realize that I'd written for my benefit and it was all good, lol.
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Too much. It did not post because you did not press submit, the computer ate it, the website never got it or maybe it was a full moon. happens all the time and sometimes it is "just as well"
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Ladee C you are a gem. I wrote a response but I guess I forgot to post it. We all "explode" however, I cannot ever recall getting into my employers face ready to have a physical after behaving like a ten year old. Exploding at work is never acceptable and there is no excuse. I will write more tomorrow, I dont know how my original response did not post...
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Toomuch4me:
That means she is gone. There is no excuse for anyone to explode on anyone who resides in a home where there is caregiving done, such as what you have stated.

Basically, your family is in the way. No no no…. you are the reason that your parents have so much joy. SHE IS IN THE WAY!!! She needs to be let go and do not let the door hit her on the way out! (That was not mean spirited, it was a famous quote).

Be strong.
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My first thought is: get a mediator. Someone who can help diffuse all the angst and tension and then really communicate about all that's going on: with you, the family member who has the rights to fire, and the caregiver. I'm taking a wild stab that no one really communicates. While there are business/professional aspects to all this, there are also all the human emotions. You're there because your choices are limited. the CG is there since it's her job (in your opinion, is she good at it?). What's the resistance to finding another CG? If I recall your situation, you care for your mom when the CG is off premises, right? Sit down, calculate how much the family would have to pay for 24/7 care (based on what they're paying now), and demonstrate, first to yourself and then the family that your contributions far outweigh the cost of paying someone else, and start some bargaining.

Listen ... we all have our opinions and preferences and real emotions. And we all tell ourselves a bunch of stories to help defend our positions. And we believe the truth of those stories even in the face of evidence to the contrary, mostly because we want to be ~right~. On some level, we all feel boxed in by ~something~. Find your compassion .. for yourself, for the CG, for the situation. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes for a bit. MOST of us have no real idea how to: first, communicate and second, how to be brutally honest with ourselves about ourselves and how we feel, and then reconcile it with someone else's reality. She obviously had some strong, pent up feelings and exploded. Was it professional? Heck no. Was it human, you bet.

I'm speaking from current and past experience with my present situation. I live and work in my client's home, with another caregiver. I spent the best part of the first four years balking at 80% of what the other caregiver said or did. I was supposed to be the 'lead' caregiver and it felt like - at every turn - she'd do or say something just to piss me off. The real problem wasn't her. It was ME. And my perceptions of things. We were two people thrown into a FAMILY situation, in the guise of a professional one. It was and is very much like a marriage: we are with each other 24/7 most of the time. It's so easy to be in each other's faces. It didn't help that we're actually VERY much alike, and every time I got pissed off at something, I'd ultimately realize that she was something like a mirror for me: I was seeing something in her that I didn't like in me.

If the situation you're in has any similarities, take a step back, find the things that ~really~ push your buttons and ask yourself, "why do they bother me so much? what is it about ME that this set of circumstances is so irritating?" Ultimately, what I realized was that my co-worker and I had made a pact within ourselves to BE HERE to take care of Edna until the end. It's a package deal and I had to come to terms with our differences and frustrating/maddening similarities. I had to find a way to let go. Let go of the crap that was getting in the way of being happy and having a fulfilling relationship .. because, trust me, it IS a relationship .. that needs trust and faith and love. The love starts with my caring for Edna and expands outward.

What finally worked for me was to find our common ground. I found a way to appreciate some of the small things and I made sure that I commented and thanked her. I made sure we sat down a couple of times a week, just to have a cup of coffee, a smoke and light conversation (hehehe .. often about the quality of Edna's poops). And I put my frustrations on a shelf in a dusty back corner of my mind. Guess what? It took some work and some time, but we no longer have screaming matches, we're truly a team whose first priority is the well-being of Edna. I felt like I swallowed a lot of pride and self-righteousness along the way, but it was in time enough that when we came close to losing Edna, we were embracing each other in our tears of fear.

I don't know if any of that helps, I hope so. Take care and let us know how it continues to go. Be brave. Take the higher road. Forgive. Let love guide you.

*hugs*
LadeeC
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I spoke with her today and now she is upset that my children refuse to speak to her. I told them to at least say hello and goodbye but they are very protective of their mother. Im just so tired of this nonsense. I have no trust in this woman any longer. I do appreciate all of your input.
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Toomuch, sorry I thought you did fire caregiver, if you couldn't do it whoever hired her maybe you should have tell you situations?
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