The disappointment never ends with my family.

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I just tried to post this but I don't think it took so I will start over. The family vacation was wonderful. My sister and niece after 2 months of them calling me every name in the book and screaming at me did bring moms car back. I told them that if they chose to take it again I don't even want to know about it. I'm tired of there behavior and they know my mom said NO they could not have it. They made every excuse as to why they could not make an 8 hour drive to spend time with her. Mom had a wonderful time, the smile alone on her face was so worth the trip. My cousins and friends were so amazed at how much better she seems from last year. I do believe that Mom was just severely depressed from all her family losses, I don't thing that its really Alzheimer's. I know she has memory issues but she seems to be improving, she is busy all the time now and has a wonderful caregiver that makes her laugh all the time. I know I need to just stop all communication with my sister and I almost have but the demands keep coming and I am so disappointed at what I'm seeing. I made the comment that mom was so happy going home that we would be taking her more often, its a 14 hour drive for us but we flew mom and her caregiver in to make it easy on her. My husband choked up when he saw how happy she was so he made the comment that we will bring her as often as possible, she was born in the bedroom of the farm house to let you know the meaning of the place, my family has owned the farm for about 100 years. My sister threw a fit and had the nerve to tell me that I'm only allowed to go once a year because my niece has her car. We even offered them 10,000 to put it back and buy a car and they refused. I know I could cause a problem and report this but I just don't have it in me and do not want to go there. I just can't understand how my own family could do this over a used car!!!!! I have never been so disappointed in people more or less my own family memebers, I so lucky to have the friends and my husbands family for support but I try not to discuss this with anyone but you guys due to the embarrassment. My sister all of a sudden called Mom after all this time to ask her to come visit for a few weeks, well Mom said NO, she told one of my friends that they have never done anything for her and me and my husband are the ones that care so she did not want to go back there, I don't think my sister cares, I'm sure she is relieved to be honest by now I'm getting emails that she should just throw her hands up and walk away, well she did that 3 years ago when she informed me that she would NOT help and would put Mom in a home but now she is claiming that I was always the favorite. I don't understand why I'm letting this bother me so bad, I wish I could just walk away. I have though about seeing someone professionally but I can't even imagine when I could squeeze that in, I work a full time demanding job, I have my mom, a special needs child and my husband travels. I'm so depressed over this that I cry all the time when I'm by myself and the rest of the time try to put on a happy face. I love my mom dearly but I just can't get over the fact that family would do something like this and try to lie to cover it up.


It sounds like you are sitting on a time bomb that will explode soon if you don't get help.

How do you ever find time to go to the doctor?

How do you find time to take your special needs child to the doctor?

Do you have any medical leave or family leave days where you work?

Has your mom seen her doctor lately? Who takes her to the doctor?

BTW, I can tell that you are very upset. I would make it much easier to read if you would press enter a few times to make new paragraphs. Just a suggestion.
I'm sorry, I am upset and not much at letter writing but I will take your suggestion on paragraphs, I went back to read my letter and you are right LOL.

Well for the last 3 years its been tough. I have to go to the doctor, I have vitamin deficiency's and a few months ago developed hypertension. I am very fortunate in so many ways. My boss knows what is going on and will allow me to sign out to do all of the above. Mom's caregiver just started she is a doll. Fortunately I have my husband, hahahaha I have never been married but at the age of 53 finally tied the knot, actually tomorrow will be our one year anniversary, we hold very tight to each other, he is a very kind and caring man. I always take mom to the doctor. I have recently started missing my appointments. My husband schedules his son's while he is at home. He is my step son. His mother is NO help from what I have been told by many is that since he was born she has really taken no responsibility.

The son lives with us but since he is a special needs man the court ordered my husband at the divorce to pay child support until he dies, the mother dies or the boy dies, I doubt that they knew that he did not live with the mom. Now he receives his S.S. and well that is hers also. I'm so amazed at peoples greed.

When we left for vacation I was in terrible shape, I had just been diagnosed with high blood pressure it was reaching 203/198 and even though my niece is a nurse it did not stop her from days of yelling and calling me all kinds of names over this car. I have vitamin issues so I have to take B12 shots every week just to keep going and 50,000 ius of Vitamin D. All my friends were worried I had lumps popping up all over my face, they were worried I had skin cancer. I told them I would go to the doctor after vacation if it did not get better. Well after rest they went away. So nice to here my sister say "Oh thank god its only stress" REALLY!!!!!

The doc was trying to get a handle on my BP and my niece in the middle of yelling at me said "Well take your medication" Never an offer to help for a while.

I was raised by my parents to just be brave and do what you have to do so I guess I have been running on that for the last few years but lately I feel myself becoming more and more anxious, maybe is the word, emotional, just over all I feel like I'm falling and I don't know what to do anymore.

I think the biggest problem that I have is the way my sister and niece seem to have NO compassion. My husband and I try our best to do everything to take care of his son and my Mom. My sister constantly tells me off, she thinks mom's money is hers and gets upset if I even take her on vacation because of the money.

This caregiver cost approx. 100.00 a month more than the last one and she had the nerve to tell me that since she helped around the house in the day that I needed to pay the 100.00. Again I'm sorry for rambling.

The way I calculate it, I looked the car up, the year and mileage say its worth about 12,000.00 so how can I not view it as to her my mom and myself are worth under 6,000.00 a piece. She would fight over something like that??? We were not raised that way!!!! and my sister will do the same.

I do feel hopeless and I also at the same time get mad at myself, I feel like I need to just suck it up and keep going, its just getting harder and harder. Thank you for listening, I don't know what I would do without this group.
Aveeno, it sounds as though there's a lot of family dysfunction that precedes this post, but I don't think that really matters right now.

What matters is that your body is telling you to STOP and you're not listening.

When our parents tell us as children and young adults to "get on with things", they are talking to healthy young people. Your parents would never tell a person with your serious health issues to ignore them.

You need to take some time to go to a medical doctor, of course. But you also, absolutely HAVE to get yourself to a mental health professional to get help with dealing with the stress of caregiving, with your sister's craziness and your sense of futility and hopelessness. This is a long road you have ahead of you. Prepare for this rough sail by putting on your own life preserver.

By the way, child support orders can be modified upon appeal when circumstances change, at least in some jurisdictions.
"I don't understand why I'm letting this bother me so bad, I wish I could just walk away." That was my question, too. Why are you letting this bother you so extremely? Your sister and niece do not live up to your expectations about how family should behave. I can understand that that is disappointing. Change your expectations. You know them. To continually expect them to behave differently is to continually set yourself up for disappointment. Why put yourself through that? Why do you give your sister's opinion so much room in your mind.

"I have thought about seeing someone professionally." And then I thought about how devastated I would be if I had a sour relationship with any of my 3 sisters. We had the usual annoyances growing up, but there was never any underlying "Mom loves you best" kind of jealousy or any doubt we loved each other. So I guess I take our cordial relationship now for granted. But what if one of them turned on me? What if one of them had no compassion for our mother? Aveeno, I think I would need professional help to deal with that. It is easy to say, "Don't let it bother you. Walk away." But it would not be easy for me to do that! And I can empathize with hard hard it is for you. But you are absolutely right that you deserve some professional support. I hope you will arrange to get it!
My husband can be amazingly supportive, but that is rare. Still, I listened when he said to leave a subject alone, don't go there in my head, that I am working myself up.

Aveeno, in addition to the car topic and how poorly you have been treated by sister; is there anything else you can let go for one day's peace of mind?
Perhaps cling to your husband, do something nice for yourself? Distract yourself?

Don't be afraid, you won't forget the issues, just set them aside for a day, you can always choose to go pick them back up.

We can substitute for your sister, until things change. Wishing you well, much peace, rest, and like a lot of us on here, wishing you to get some chocolate (if it's allowed for you to have). Maybe I should have gone back and read your health concerns before recommending chocolate. Did you know that oranges are a great food to treat moods? Be at peace.
Jeanne, that is excellent advice, to change one's expectations. As we learn what that means, and the high standards we not only hold ourselves to, but hold others to an expectation they could never live up to, we find we are not as upset after a time of CHANGING OUR EXPECTATIONS.
I am taking you're advice today. I have been working on letting go but for some reason I will do good for a while and then about every few months I blow and become very depressed

Today I woke and watched Joel Osteen, I don't know if you have ever watched him but it always seems like when I tune in the message is what is upsetting me.

Today is my 1 year anniversary and after reading your response and doing a lot of thinking I started thinking about all the blessings that I have. A wonderful husband, a wonderful new family and friends that support me, I can actually hold my mom and talk to her, even though she is ill she is still here.

Thank you for being there through the rough moments, I know there will be more but it helps to have you guys to talk to and maybe just make me think a little, I also know my Mom means so much to me and in the end I will have no regrets and a lot of wonderful memorys. I just have to learn like you have said, I can't teach someone to have compassion, i can't change the way a person is but I can do the best that I can do to help and make my Mom feel loved.

Ladies, today is another day and I will do the best that I can. Love you all for being there for me. Hope to do the same for you!!!
Okay, sis, now you are doing well! A one year anniversary? That is something to really celebrate. Hoping that you and your husband acknowlege each other in a special way. It is a wedding anniversary? Congratulations!
Yes, I have watched Joel, and most other mega-churches services and bible studies.
Some people may discount the importance of sibling relationships. I knew someone who claimed that after 15 + years of separation from a sister, they made up, became closer, and this woman said her emotional problems were cured. Give it time, much time!
It's great that you recognize that things are not going that well for you and that you need to change. That's a start. The fact that you have so much invested in small issues like used cars, slights by sister, etc., that are disturbing your happiness is concerning. When toxic people continue to create chaos in your life, then I would think it's time to seek help with getting skills to help.

I would think that your physical and mental health is more of a priority that anything else right now. I wouldn't even be in a conversation with someone who causes me to have high blood pressure. If the discord cannot be fixed and the dysfunction runs deep, then sometimes cords must be cut. Wasting time on people who bring you misery isn't very productive. Counseling might help you move on and find some peace.

Your profile says your mom has dementia, but your post says she doesn't and that she's improving. I would figure out if she does have it. If she doesn't, I might get Durable POA and healthcare POA signed now so you aren't going to be in a power struggle with other family members down the road.

I wish you all the best.

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