So disappointed in my family members, and just discussed on how they think.

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I have one sister that lives in PA, I live in Texas. She refuses to help with Mom and she does not even bother to come see her, she might call once a month to say hello and then all she does is quiz her. I guess she is trying to see how much the Alzheimer's is progressing.


After 3 years of arguing I finally had to make the decision to shut her down, she is the biggest drama queen and I get so tired of hearing excuses on why she can't take mom for a few weeks just to give us a break. The reason I have blocked her from Text, Phone, FB and only left email as a form of communication is because the last time that I spoke to her on the phone I ask her to take Mom for a few weeks so we could go on vacation, she made excuses again but this time she actually said I don't care!!! I'm not going to help in any way, I don't care if I see her and there is only 2 years left on her look back anyway. I came unglued. What she meant is, when Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's we went to an elder attorney. the attorney set all of mom's assets up in a family trust. The only reason this was important to me is because we have 2 family farms that have been in the family for over 100 years.


I totally believe that my sister is waiting on the 5 year look back because she is wanting to take my mom's money!!!! Can she do this? She keeps telling me to put Mom in a home, I'm not going to put Mom in a home unless it becomes medically necessary and although its been 3 years since she was diagnosed we keep her busy, have friends over all the time to keep her laughing and having fun. Well Mom may have progressed a little bit but she seems to be doing very well. She is very healthy and we just love having her around. Every year we all go on vacation and take her home to the farm, she just loves it there, she was actually born in the bedroom of the farm house and looks forward to going back each year, this is only 8 hours from my sisters house and she can't even manage to drive 8 hours to see her mother.


I think the reason she will not come is not only does she not care but she is worried that our relatives know that she is no help so she is embarrassed to see them or afraid that someone might say something to her. She has even threatened me that if I tell anyone that she is not helping I will have hell to pay. she has always been a bully but puts on an act when other people are around, fake crying and acting like she cares. I was so upset when all this happened I always though that we would pull together if something happened to one of our parents and It really took me these 3 years to figure out that I can't change her or my niece. I'm very fortunate to have the husband that I have, he loves Mom very much and has no problem with her living with us. He is even upset, told me that he did not realize that there were people in this world that would actually act like my sister. He has a very tight family that I'm so proud to be a part of. We were just married a year ago.


My question, we have 50/50 POA, and now I realize that my sister took mom at first maybe for six months but I truly believe that the reason she did take her is so she could get all the paperwork drawn up the way she wanted to. Can she take Mom's money when the 5 year period is over?? of course I would be there to stop her and take her to court but I'm very confused over all of this. Me and my Husband would like to buy my sister out of the farm but I'm not sure with mom having Alzheimer's if that would be OK. Would that cause trouble in the future if we paid fair market value? It just sickens me to think that my family could act this way. I even told my sister if you think your going to put mom in a home and take her money you are sadly mistaken. I told her AGAIN, Mom will live with us until her last day or unless it becomes medically necessary for her to have that kind of care. Now she contacts my friends to see what she can find out since I have cut her off. they all know what is going on and are nice to her but they can't believe that she has gone to this extent. Please don't take this wrong, she can contact my mother through my husband or her caregiver that is with her all day but she choose to only call maybe once a month. She knows I have health issues and I really believe that she thinks that if she does not help that I will eventually give up and put mom in a home. I appreciate any advice that you can give to me. Thank you

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First of all, stop giving your sister so much space in your mind. She is not paying rent. Evict her. You've made a good start on that by blocking her.

Then, accept that Sister's decisions are her own and she is entitled to make them any way she wants to, just as you are. Stop trying to figure out her motives. I doen't matter WHY she won't provide respite care, she won't. Move on.

Having 50/50 POA with her is bad news. Is mother competent enough to understand what it means to authorize someone to act on her behalf? If so, and she is agreeable, help her arrange for you to be sole POA -- and also medical POA.

You both seem to misunderstand the 5-year look back period. It is a "rolling" period. The lookback starts when Mother applies for Medicaid and involves the previous five years. It has nothing to do with when trusts were set up, etc. If Mom applies for Medicaid in 2018, they will look at what has happened to her money from 2018 through 2013. So, no, of course your sister cannot take your mother's money in 2016 or 2017 or 2018. If she was not given the money at least 5 years before mother applies for Medicaid, she cannot accept the money at all (without causing mother to become ineligible.)

Please DO NOT, don't, don't even think about, do anything about selling Mom's property or buying sister out or doing anything with the trust WITHOUT contacting an experienced attorney who specializes in Elder Law. You absolutely need to proceed with sound legal advice.
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