Difficult family dynamics forcing decision to move Mother from our home to NH. Mother has been with DH and I for over a year.

Sadly, these dysfunctional dynamics have likely been in place forever and are NOW in full bloom w/the emotional aspects surrounding your mother! I am experiencing something similar on a vastly less sever scale re: my mother's health/ care. My sister is bi-polar and recently had such a manic rant on the lawn of our mother's home I was certain the neighbors were going to call the police! My brother—a MEDICAL DOCTOR eats what my sister feeds him! Both do not live in the same city as my mother & myself and do not see, nor acknowledge my efforts [painting, shopping, gifting, a plethora of honey-do's, socialization, etc…]. You are doing what is right & 'correct'. The challenge is creating the necessary boundaries re: your sisters and FULLY RECOGNIZING that again, you are doing what is right w/confidence. If need be, speak w/a counselor or clergy-person [experienced mediator] & see if you cannot have them 'on-site' when your sisters arrive [possibly set up a meeting]. Having your efforts as well as your sisters' behavior validated/witnessed will serve you well in your future endeavors! Very best of luck!

The sad part is that you as the caregiver with no relief are also the entertainment committee for your sisters. The siblings do not get it! I agree, they should provide care relief for you and your husband when they come to your house. I cared for my mother 7 months, I have two siblings where one made a phone call at Christmas and did not call when she was in the hospital for a week. The other came to vist and brought a son, daughter-in-law, and 3 grand-children under the age of 7. They did take mom out to lunch, but left angry because I did not allow all of them to stay in the one empty bedroom that I had or cook their meals while they were here. They came on a weekend and I teach school while my husband cared for mother while I worked.

It is impossible for them to know what is going on until they walk the walk. You have to do what is best for you and your mother. Stay firm because you will not be able to please everyone unfortunately.

I try to keep my door open to my siblings because they are trying to make it look like I am isolating my mom. They want any excuse not to help her even if they have to make it up. Someone always has to be to blame with them too. Go on with your life and ignore the losers. You are doing a great job. Don't give up. Your mom is worth it and it's a wonderful thing you are trying to do. Bad people always hate it when someone does the right thing.

Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate everyone's situation and concern for each other. We are blessed that we are able to get away whenever we want. It does take both sisters and a paid nurse to do what I do each day. We get back and are given a litany of everything each sister did and how much time they spent here. The nurse just shakes her head. Self-absorped, unhappy people want to be the center of attention and totally miss the real purpose of life. It is all about them! We will get it all sorted out and hopefully come up with a long-term plan that provides Mother the best of care and my home less stress. God bless each of you for all that you do.

don't call it income, call it room & board.

If you don't have the sisters set-up on a separate schedule for visitations, I would do that. Then leave them alone with your mother. Get out of the house...run errands, have lunch, do something fun. But, don't be an audience for the sisters' drama when they visit.

If you enjoy having your mother there and you are able to handle her care without hardship, don't let your inconsiderate sisters change that. Keep your mother at your home.

One other thing. Something to think about...could your sisters perhaps be jealous of you or you and your mother's relationship and purposely trying to cause you grief at the least and/or to break-up you and your mom, at the most?

If you enjoy your Mom why think of sending her to a NH. I would get to a lawyer, hire help and keep her happy in your home. Set limits on visitations, thats what I do. My Dr told me that my Mom would go right down hill if I put her in a NH, she is safe and content right here with us and here she will stay.I understand if you are sick and have no choice but otherwise, keep mom home and get to a lawyer, put yourself in your Moms shoes. I have wicked siblings also, we have strict rules made up with a lawyer, soon they hardly ever come, which I prefer.

Give them the opportunity to be in charge two afternoons a week and get yourself out to do something you love.

@ejbunicorn- Sweetie, don't put your mom in a nursing home. The two of you need each other. Instead, let your husband pay some alimony and help you out financially. You can get free or inexpensive mental health care for your depression and anxiety if you check the local health department. Check also with the social workers at the department of human services to see what sort of help they can offer you as far as services and benefits go. Also check with Medicare. You can get adult day care and aides to help while you shop, get out, go to the doctor, etc. You might need a therapist to talk to and there is NO SHAME in that. That is what they are there for, to help us in our time of need. Antidepressants and a good support group can also help. Remember how your mom took care of you when you were born and through your childhood. It is your turn to be there for her now. You two are family.

Why should you throw your beloved mom away into a nursing home just because of those sisters? What you need to do is get POA from mom and then forbid them to come into your home. If you do allow a visit in a public place, be prepared to leave with mom as soon as they act up. They will soon see that what they want to do won't work as you won't allow it. This would protect you from the stress. It is a shame that they are doing this to you when you are trying to take excellent care of your dear mother.

ejbunicorn, paying someone for services is NOT the same as giving gifts. A personal services contract would have been a good idea, such for ease of documentation, but this is not going to stop your mother from getting the financial help she needs. I suggest that you spend a few hundred dollars to consult an attorney specializing in Elder Law, to ensure that the the application gos through as smoothly as possible.

Good luck!

We are allowed to be paid for caring for our LO. The unreported income could be a problem. Just say you were too busy with caretaking (in a nutshell) and that had not crossed your mind.
are you sister wanting you to put mom in a nh? or, do you need/want to put mom there. Keep her home if its your sisters pressuring you.
in domestic violence cases there are often restraining orders that state keeping a certain distance and no fighting or arguing in front of the children. If this happens the parties can be arrested for violating the restraining order.

I have two sisters and a brother similar to yours. One sister pretends she wants to help, but then stirs up friction between the two siblings who do absolutely nothing and mom. I'm not really sure of the psycho-babble that causes someone to enjoy causing conflict, but when you've already got two selfish, vindictive, vain, arrogant siblings who are unwilling to help at all with the caretaking and the only one that does try to help stirs up trouble what the heck are you supposed to do? To heck with all of them. I'm abrupt, but polite when talking to them. My completely selfish sister called the other night and was so rude on the phone. She is working hard at setting a stage that my mother is suffering mentally because of me all because my mother didn't remember that she went to school in a certain town. I found out later that she actually hadn't. Anyway, I told my sister that if she wanted to talk to me it would have to be in a kind manner and that if she couldn't do that then she shouldn't call. She hung up on me. Too bad. I have been taking care of my parents at my home for a little over a year now and have been constantly criticized and threatened by my siblings. I have a husband who is super tolerant of my mother's depression and control issues. I make a point to spend time with him alone. We have been married for nearly 30 years. My advice to you is to stop worrying about what your siblings are doing and continue to follow what God wants. God won't steer you wrong and He will only allow them to do what He sees fit. The Bible calls it "refining fire" and I think that is what He is trying to teach me. You have a chance to gain something positive from all the jerks around you because God can use it to "refine" you. I'm serious. I thank God everyday for my stupid, selfish siblings. Will I ever be close to them? Not likely, but I'm gonna learn alot about myself and about focusing on what really matters. It's tough to do all the time though. That's why this website is so superb. I can come in here and vent and move on through the day. I love you all. You are a lifesaver! Hang in there if you can because NH's open up a whole other set of problems for your mama and you.

note to ejbunicorn - I agree $600 is reasonable sum for your caregiving. Worst case scenario - you should have declared it on income taxes - this still could be done by an amended return - doubt if any penalties would be assessed if you just say you didn't know you were supposed to declare income. Talk to CPA or attorney on best way to proceed.
Why is it that the ones who do the least are always first in line when they smell money??

@ ejbunicorn, i also doubt that the money your mother has given you will be considered a gift. please check into that. $600 a month for care in your own home is a very reasonable sum for all that your mother is receiving. God Bless you.

Similar situation for me because the only time my sister showed up was to create chaos for me or with the private caregivers I had to hire out of my savings so I could continue to work and care for my mom.The agency caregivers were with my mom a long time and most had seen these dynamics numerous times on other cases.She finally just went away because everyone could see her game.Nothing but a self absorbed guilt trip but on the other hand unwilling to do anything to care for her parents or help me out.Some people are totally disfunctional and it is best to keep them at arms length for the sake of your own sanity and the wellbeing of your loved one.Their MO is do nothing yet kick as much dirt as possible on the ones doing all the work or providing financial support.Everwhere I went in town and bumped into people we knew thought she was doing all the work and I was the deadbeat ! Believe me these kind of people have it down to a science.Many are pathological liars on top of it.Do yourself and your mom a favor and go it alone and forget about them.

I would agree that your sisters seem to be the problem, not your mom. Deal with them. I like the response form PamelaSue. Go for it.

@eibunicorn: God bless you for taking care of your mom. However, it is too bad that it has taken such a toll on your life. Not sure the gifting is really a problem for her or for you. Talk to an attorney or an accountant about that. From what I understand it is OK for a parent to pay a relative a reasonable amount to care for them. However, it may be a tax issue for you if not reported. Check it out.

I am exactly in the same boat as you, my siblings do not even visit, I am going to have to place her in a nursing home because my depression and axiety is extemely bad and my husband wants a divorce, problem being now is medicaid, looking back 5 years is going to be a problem as she has gifted me the last two years 600.00 a month for caring for her so now I don't know what I am going to do, many prayers your way and please pray for me and my mom, thanks

And 'only 1of3' is right; i have dismissed people from my life, family or not, for being toxic to me and my life.

i'd say your sisters can visit only as caretakers for your mother so you and your husband can take a much needed break once a week. if they aren't willing, tell them to bugger off.

How about sisters can visit mother only if they come and get her and take her to their homes or out for lunch etc.? The maximum time they can spend visiting her at your home is 2 hours a week. Would that reduce the stress levels enough to allow you to keep Mother in your home? Or would leaving the house with your sisters be stressful for Mother?

It is truly sad that your sisters are forcing this issue. But do what you have to do to reclaim your own lives. Mother needs at least one sane, stable daughter in her life! It may be that you can take better care of her in a nursing home than in the chaotic place your home has become.

I have a similar situation with my 2 sisters. I have had Mother with me for over six years. Four years ago, I pursued guardianship and was supported by my two brothers in this. My sisters were totally opposed although they did not want to care for our mother. My sisters attended the guardianship hearings and could never give any reason for their opposition except that they thought Mother had money and that I was going to get it all. In reality Mother had very little and what she had (approximately 30,000) we spent paying off bills, purchasing funeral insurance and basically spending down for Medicaid. The hearings cost me an additional 10,000 because of both sisters. Neither one wanted to keep mother and have not bothered even to call her in over 4 years. (I did receive guardianship 4 years ago and the judge ruled that I need 24 hours notice for visits.) I think both sisters are still angry that I have guardianship although my only reason is so that I can make emergency decisions if I need to do so. I want my siblings to be involved with Mother as it would be good for her and take some of the burden from me. I have done it without any assistance for over six years. I would be happy for any of my siblings to take my mother for a week's visit. (They are not willing to do that and my sisters have had no contact with my mother since the hearings.)
Now one of them has filed a court motion saying that I have refused to allow her to visit Mother and she wants the court to order me to drive her to her home which is 2 hours from where I live and wait around while she visits with Mother. I have never refused her visits. The courts have ordered mediation and if we cannot agree to a solution, we will have another hearing. I cannot afford any more attorney assistance so I am also considering a nursing home for Mother if the court decides that I have to drive her for visits. Ultimately, I know that I am the one who has to make that decision and that I will have to decide if I believe that Mother's health and welfare are my primary concerns or if I am just being prideful.

You said it well when you said "DH says this is more than one person can handle 24/7 and he certainly didn't realize that I would be giving up my life while my sisters run around doing whatever they want. I must admit it has been a major lifestyle change for us." I discovered the same but believe that God has placed me here and know that I have to make this decision based on that and not on whether or not the court orders me to do something for my sisters who continually harass me for just trying to do the right thing.

You do need to set up rules and to remember that it is your home. You do not have to give up your entire life for someone else's whims. But if you do decide to go with NH don't let yourself feel guilty. I know the extreme burden of dealing with dysfunctional family members as well as the demands of caregiving. I wish you the best as you make your choices.

If you enjoy your mother and have no problem taking care of her and the real problem is the sisters, then I would suggest setting firm behavorial rules for when they visit (once per week each for two hours? At different times? On good behavior only? ) or banning the sisters from your home entirely. Obviously the sisters don't want to care for your mother; they just want/need the drama. You do want to care for your mother and you don't need the drama. The heck with them! If you wouldn't chose family as friends, then why be stuck with them as family?