I did a bad thing. A stupid thing. And now I am sad.

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I know that I shouldn't have looked but I did.


It started at dinner when my mother asked me if I had called my brother (whom I hate) and invited him to Christmas. It bothered me because she so obviously favors him and wants to do everything for him. The thing is, she never asked if I invited my youngest. No, it is all about the one brother.

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Sorry about that, my cat jumped on my computer and posted before I had finished

So, the bad thing I did... I went and peeked at Mom's will. I know wills are private but I could not help myself. She had voluntarily shared her previous will with me... the one splitting everything evenly between myself and my three siblings.

The more rent will has her specifically willing one of her houses to my eldest brother and any vehicle that she owns to my youngest brother and then splitting the remaining assets four ways.

I am mad because they do nothing at all for her. They haven't visited her since she moved in with me - and I HAVE made it clear that they are welcome. The oldest came for mother's day in 2015 and that was the one and only visit. He never calls but when she calls him, he always cries poor and makes her feel that she has to give him money.

The youngest has not actually visited her in years - probably five or more. She last saw him when she had me drive her to where he was working and they had a short visit. He only calls her when he needs something (like $10,000 bail money)

I am here in the trenches, wiping her butt and running every time she tings her bell or blows her whistle.

I am mad at her for favoring them., I am mad at them for neglecting her. But mostly, I am sad. Sad because I feel very unappreciated and unloved.

It was stupid of me to look at the will.
I should also add that it is not really about the money. Either her care will eat it all up or there will be plenty to go around - who knows what will come of it. It is about seeing where I rank in her life.

The oldest brother does nothing but take, take, take and he is rewarded with a house. A crappy house, but nonetheless, a house. And he has received so much financial support from my parents throughout the years that he has "already gotten his"

The youngest, is going to get her car but he has not had a license in probably 15 years due to multiple DWI arrests. He stole all of dad's coin collections and all of Mom's jewelry and sold them back when he was addicted to heroin so he got his too.

My mother dismisses my middle brother because his parent's in law supposedly have money so she feels that he and his kids can inherit front hat side. Well, who really knows what their financial picture looks like. Is it really fair to him to assume that he will inherit anything from them?

The favouritism may play into it, but I think it might be an attempt to win a place in their hearts to make sure she isn't forgotten.... she has to know somewhere deep, deep down that she isn't a high priority in their lives. Which makes it even sadder if you really think about it.
She obviously feels the need to buy their affection. She knows you have not put a price on yours.
M2M, I feel extremely sad on your behalf. Don't kick yourself for looking at the will. You have every right to want to know where you stand. The others are probably right to suspect that she feels the need to win their love or be remembered by them. Either that or she feels they need the inheritance more than you do.

Now that you know what you're dealing with, you can decide what (if anything) you want to do about it. Knowledge is power. I might consider demanding a salary for all that butt-wiping, or insisting that paid help be brought in to do it, if something like that would make you feel less taken for granted. I wish you luck.
Google ACoNS the invisible scar - it will make you see you in a totally different light. You may be the adult child of a narcissistic parent and as such that is increasingly becoming recognised as child abuse. If you have been lucky enough not to have been there please accept that it is spot on for those of us unlucky enough to have been there.
MomtoMom, don't fret about it, it is a natural curiosity, especially when you feel like you are the one who is doing all the work, feeling a bit put upon, and all the other "no accounts" are being spoken about as being "all important". You wanted to know where you stood (at the time she made out this most recent Will) in her pecking order of importance, but that doesn't necessarily mean that how she truly feels about you. You most likely are very important, but parents are old school, and no matter how bad one of their kids "screws up", they always forgive, and often feel that that particular kid needs More, as they may be "unable" to survive without that which they might be able to provide, at least that is how it has worked in my husband's screwed up family!

My husband's siblings have taken advantage of their parents for as long as I've been married to him, now 31 years. My SIL even went so far (now 16 years ago, as my MIL passes 13 years ago) as to take out 5 different Credit Cards in my MIL's name, and charging them up to over 68 thousand dollars, and still, my MIL put it all down to her Alcoholism and abuse, and would not press charges against her, and ended up even paying those charges off, with no punishment or even an "I'm sorry" recieved from her own Daughter! That is only part of the many thousands I witnessed the daughter receive from her parents over the years, and never did she ever spend not one day caring for her parents either! They continued to cover up her bad behavior for as long as their Mom was alive.

I heard and witnessed many stories of my BIL screwing his parents out of many thousands too, even to the point of him "gifting" his own Mom her first car when she first learned how to drive in her late 30's, a red 65' Mustang, and after investing a couple of thousand dollars into it, engine work, new tires, a paint job, my inlaws went to register the car in Washington, only to find out, that the car had been "driven" off the car lot in California (we live in Washington state), and was reported as Stolen, and they then had to pay for the car "in full", several more thousands, or their Son would have faced prosecution for Grand Theft, so they paid it off, and she drove that car for another 20 years!

That was back in 70's, before the real computer age took off. He probably wouldn't have "gotten away" with that in this day and age! He once sold his folks a stolen freezer for their garage, and they immediately went out and bought a locker package, 1/2 a cow, and a few days later, the sheriff was at the door, looking for the stolen goods, so back went the freezer to the owners, so they had to immediately go out and buy a new one! And that's only a smidgen of the horrible Conning, he did to his parents and so many other people.

Many times they co-signed for cars for these two, only to get stuck paying off the loans, and they still went on to "lend them money", over the years, never to be paid back.

Over the years, I've witnessed a lot of what I initially assumed was favoritism, but now, it has become more apparent that it was just their "misguided" way of covering up for their own lack of good parenting and guilt from not actually instilling proper values in their kids from the get go! There was never any fairness or consistency in my husband's family growing up. My husband was the youngest, and left the house at 17, to escape the madness, his own survival instincts kicking in. The shinnanigans his older siblings displayed as children, left his parents treating him with a lack of trust, that he didn't earn or deserve, hence his leaving home at his first opportunity, to go to live at his girlfriends home, where the parents there were instrumental in him learning responsibility and vital life skills, thank goodness for them! Not necessarily an acceptable option in most cases, but turned out to be a very good thing for my husband in this situation, especially back in the early 70's.

Interesting enough, their only & eldest daughter got pregnant in HS, and married (later divorced), eldest Son joined the Navy, but flunked out of Boot Camp, and the youngest (my husband) left at 17, and never took advantage of them, and we ended up the only ones being there in his parents lives all these years, and have had his Dad living with us since his wife passed away, and he's now nearly 87, with ZERO help from the siblings!

No, I don't think you need to beat yourself up over a little peek at her Will, long standing family dynamics and dysfunction are very difficult issues to overcome, especially when you are the one Solely doing all the caregiving, and fairness doesn't even begin to come into play!

You might find a way to casually bring up her Will in a conversation, and see how she replies. You may be able to ask her and show her, he actions are not only unfair to you, but also to your brother whom she assumes will be compensated at some point, by his inlaws!
PheonixDaughter, OMG, I've only skimmed the first page of that website, and it was so completely enlightening and exactly describes my FIL, to a tee! Scary, but I will go back and read it to my husband, who will find it interesting but will also open up old wounds, he may not be ready or wanting to hear about!

The more I learn about Narcissism, the more i begin to despise him, and want him out of my home, but as he becomes more and more frail, the more difficult it becomes. Age and decline hasn't changed his behavior any, which makes it all the worse! I just don't know why we have to be the ones who have to put up with it though, what did we do to deserve this? That is the question!
M2M - (((((((hugs)))))) I don't blame you for looking, but sometimes it may be better not to know. I agree that your mum is trying to buy their affection even if it is after her passing, It is futile and very sad for everyone. I don't think it reflects what she thinks of you. She knows you are there for her and somewhere, deep down, I think she appreciates it. But inheritances are used in the unhealthy games people play. I know my sis has had her eye in the whole inheritance for years and has played her cards with mother to get it. I was named POA and Executor, but don't know what is in the will (it is in her lawyers office) and don't want to know until she passes. No matter what is in it, I have agreed to do the job and I will. Let the chips fall where they may. Not saying I would not be hurt if I was in your situation, I would be, and may be. (((((((hugs))))))
stacey - you were available and agreed to do it - the others didn't. It sounds like fil needs to go into a facility where he gets some care. Other have accomplished and this and you can too.

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