I did a bad thing. A stupid thing. And now I am sad.

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I know that I shouldn't have looked but I did.


It started at dinner when my mother asked me if I had called my brother (whom I hate) and invited him to Christmas. It bothered me because she so obviously favors him and wants to do everything for him. The thing is, she never asked if I invited my youngest. No, it is all about the one brother.

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Since birth our natural instintc is to turn to our parents for our mental and physical needs. It hurts to the end and back to not get our needs met. Screws with the way we see the world. Screws with the way we see ourselves. When it dawns on us that we have no control over winning the love and grattitude we feel would make our world right, it hurts so bad. Forgive yourself for looking at her will. Im sure your emotions are all over the place. Resentment probably at the forefront. I know this because I could be you. I just would like you to look in the mirror and see the beautiful person you are. You dont HAVE to take care of your mom, but you do. Somehow out of all this stress, this miserable pain, your character is to take all of this on. Wow, that is huge. I know this is not about money. The money is a symbol of your pain. Keep being true to your character but I think it is so important that you share your feelings with her. Think about your words so they come out true to your heart. She may, get angry, she may pout. But opening up to her maybe the only justice you get.
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Stacey, you wrote :"I often wonder what goes through his mind, as he watches the wonderful family relationships that I have with my own family. I'm sure that it never dawns on him that HE was the one who caused all of the destruction!"

I often wonder what Mom thinks when she watches us and if she realizes how different my children's childhoods are from mine. I make sure to tell them that I love them every single day and most times, several times a day. I tell them that I think they are smart and beautiful and that I will absolutely die if I don't get at least one hug and smuggle from each of them - OK, the 14 year old boy is getting a little hard to pin down, but I try.

I think I have only heard my mother tell me that she loved me once and I think she even only said that by accident. No hugs and snuggles that I can remember and she spent most of my life making me feel ugly and unintelligent.

I often wonder if she notices and comprehends the difference..
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Oh, I like Surprise's answer, and the spelling of her MTHR's name, as she Is lacking in that one specific thing a Real Mother is to give, and that is Unconditional Love!

I am right where you are, stuckcaring for the one, the very perpetrator who fractured my husband's family in the first place, and so wish we could tuck him away, and visit occasionally. But like you, he would not socialize, and would sit in a chair and watch TV all day, just as he does in my own home. Still not sure why it would bother me so much, but I'm getting there, and researching all our options!

Someday soon, he's going away, and we Will get our life back! 13 years is too long, and we cannot go on like this much longer!

Good luck to you, I hope you find your way out soon!
In our case, my husband's FTHR's will has been an open book, changed multiple times since he's come to live with us, the ole control Narc thing, and now as it the only Carrot he has to try to hold over my husband's head. He has left the majority of his monies to my husband, public knowledge, and he seems to be under the impression that a couple hundred thousand dollars is oh so much, and Yes, it would have been a nice payoff, but it will never come to be, and that is All going to go towards his living expenses elsewhere. The Carrot, is no longer enough, now that he has revealed his true self, and I (his DIL) have slowly put together all pieces, as to why this family is so messed up in the first place. That money will be gone in no time!

While my husband's Mom was still alive, she managed to cover it up all those years before, but now, it has become quite clear, just who caused all of this mayhem in the first place!

Showtiming exists, and he was fairly good at it, for a while, and even now, continues to do so in front of his Dr. Now, I no longer allow it, and I call him on it! He has destroyed even the respect that I once had for him.

The hurt and pain that man has caused, makes me oh so glad that I was so Lucky to have come from such a loving family!!! And it is Luck, Luck of the draw, as we certainly don't choose where we come from!

I often wonder what goes through his mind, as he watches the wonderful family relationships that I have with my own family. I'm sure that it never dawns on him that HE was the one who caused all of the destruction!

With every dawning day, I am planning his exit from our home. How Sad is that?
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Surprise,

Despite the issues I have had with my mother from childhood through now, I have this feeling of obligation o try to keep her home as long as possible. Sometimes, I don't know why I keep doing this since she does not seem to appreciate it. But, I know she would be miserable in any type of facility. She hates "old people" so would not socialize at all. She hates any type of organized activities so she would not participate in any of the entertainment. She would just sit in her bed all day. I know this from the few 30 day stints she previously did in rehab.

And then there is me. I would feel obligated to visit often and I found that visiting her in rehab was more disruptive to our family routine than having her in the house is.

I am strongly considering having more caregivers come in. I currently have two wonderful women who come in during the week while I am at work. But, since we have no weekend coverage, we can no longer do things as a family since someone has to be home with her. We used to travel... a lot, on weekends and I feel that she is robbing my children of that.
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Mom2Mom, I like what you have to say there! I was making a feeble attempt at being sarcastic for the brothers to share the pleasure of tending your mother (I spell mine MTHR since she's missing something essential inside).

Since you recognize that anything you spend will come out of their inheritance, have you considered moving her to a home where her money will be used to take care of her until it runs out, and then she can go on Medicare? I am sure you recognize that she is not capable of being the sweet old lady you deserve in your life, and that you are under stress. Visiting her elsewhere would be an improvement, and she did save up all that money for her retirement years. It seems like a good investment in both your and her happiness to put it towards an assisted living or memory care unit.
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No, Surprise, they won't share in her upkeep. Between the three of them, they don't have two cents to rub together and they would never take their share of visits if she were in a home. The only pleasure I get is reminding myself that I will be spending their inheritance on her care and there will be nothing for them in the end.
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Mom2Mom, Good for you. I took on the job of taking care of my mthr who is pathologically narcissistic, but I kept her at arm's length so she can hurt me no more. I see her as an evil old woman who ran everyone who loved her out of her life, so she has no one left to love her, including me. I feel sorry for her, and it's the right thing to do, to keep her taken care of. However, I hire that out to a home and visit more often than I should. I hope you can move her out of your home so that your brothers will have the pleasure of sharing in her upkeep.
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Surprise,I figured out a while ago that Mom will never appreciate me or my efforts. Any attempts to impress her and earn a compliment only led to my disappointment. For example, she is Greek and one day after she moved in with me, I spent the days making a time consuming, authentic Greek dish. Her "critique" of the dish hurt me a lot. Fast forward to this past weekend. I made a batch of Baklava for a party and my husband asked me if I was going to give some to my mother. Nope, if she found it on the table herself, she was welcome to it but any comments that she was going to make would fall on deaf ears. I am no longer desperate for her approval for I know it will never come.

I am taking care of my mother, to the best of my ability because it is the right thing to do but I am no longer doing it for her gratitude or love.

Black Hole, you are right. Better to know going into this what the will says rather than being blindsided after she is gone. I will continue to provide adequate care but, knowing where I stand, I am not going to sacrifice my life and my family's life, bending over backwards to try to make her happy. She wants to be entertained, she can call one of her favorites for that.
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Having had a two faced, evil under the surface, and you-can-never-be-good-enough parent, I see the will as an extension of the long time relationship problems with mom. I see so many people sacrificing their lives in hopes to win mama's love, when mama does not have the capability of loving that child. So often there is some kind of dysfunction and the child refuses to acknowledge that fact and continues on the hamster wheel of service, hoping beyond hope that Mama will some day some how show the love back. Obviously that love ain't coming back after death in the form of the will.

I say face reality. The loving mama that has never been there is not going to magically appear in the will and show how much the daughter was appreciated. I think it's time to get a therapist that works with dysfunctional families and secrets and mourn that loving mama that never existed.
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M2M, it's better to know now. Might not feel that way, as you grind your teeth and re-play a lifetime's worth of mom's hurtful biases. But this is preferable to being slapped with that reality at the time of mom's passing. When emotions are running high, the phone is ringing off the hook, and Certain People will be a bundle of entitlement and insensitive behaviors.

Use your preview as an advantage. Rehearse being calm and detached during "the big reveal." Think of 1,000 ways not to take your sibs' bait.

There will be enough other surprises after mom passes. Hey, the will won't be one of them! That's a good thing.
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