Desperate, tired, and alone, but I love my mother.
I'm an only child, 43 years old. My mom Is 81 years old. We both are from Nicaragua but I live in the U.S. My mom lives in Nicaragua by herself since my dad passed away in 2006. My mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2010 and she has gone through so much, SO much that I cannot imagine any person going through the nightmare her life has been. Cancer outside the U.S. Is simply almost unbearable. There is only one location. To get radiotherapy for the ENTIRE country, the lines are so long that you've to be there a minimum of about six hours. For chemotherapy the medication is so hard to find that you need to get it from other countries and the logistics and money involved are unbelievable. What I'm describing is just a tiny part of an incredibly difficult life that she has lived, so, I am not, by any means, oblivious to the fact that she's almost the right to be bitter. The thing is, I lived all through that with her. I was there moving mountains to get the medicines, I was traveling almost every month to be with her for chemo. But once done with chemo I started going three times a year, calling her twice a day. And the other part of this story is that my mom, as strong of a human being she's, she is also hard with others, specially me. When my dad was alive and I was younger I remember so, so, so many times when my mom decided to be upset and that would determine the family dinamycs. In other words, my dad and I would be seating doing nothing, maybe an entire weekend, until she decided to come out of her anger episode. My dad was a wonderful, heart of gold man, but he lacked character; so, my mom was always the stronger voice. I remember how I resented my dad for not doing anything or saying anything when a situation was extremely unfair. I also remember vividly how I used to think that my mom would never stop until she saw blood. What I mean is that she wouldn't let go of a situation until she went for the jugular and hurt me deeply with her insensitive comments. Having said that, my mom was a very devoted mom and she would do anything for me and my dad...except allowing a normal, peaceful family interaction. Now she is sick, very weak and her age is really taking a toll, she needs me and I know that. However, my mom only has literally tons of strong criticism, negativism and simply what seems a constant desire to hurt me and put me down, never acknowledging and respecting the fact that I actually have a life as an adult, that I have overcome incredibly difficult situations (overcame a horrible and challenging divorce, moved three times internationally and nationally, got jobs,etc) all as a single woman. I have my home, which I purchased thinking she would come live with me someday. The bottom line is that I love her so much, but she treats me worse than garbage. Just today she said that I mistreat her and humiliate her just because I asked her to be more considered with something. She keeps a totally different version of our conversations and arguments. They might have been calmed and logical, but she recalls them as if I yelled at her and makes sure to make me feel as the worst of the daughters. My mom is very hurtful, doesn't care how little of a person she makes you feel, what matters is to be the controlling person she's accustomed to be. Just that at this stage of life that control, that hurtfulness is killing me. Here I am, ready to change my entire life, I will move to Nicaragua and leave everything behind to be with her and take care of her, simply because she is my mother and I love her, but i am dying inside knowing that entire days of mistreatment are ahead (reality is, she is the one that mistreats me in an incredibly wrong way), but I know I have no option but to take care of my mom because among other reasons nobody else would, not even paying them. Overseas there are no assisted living places, I'd have to hire somebody and that's been done before, nobody lasts more than a month, and she cannot stay here. I have to do it, but I know I'm sacrificing my life. I plan to come back some day, but it's just very hurtful that. I'm ready to sacrifice everything while my mom is ready to say all sorts of horrible, hurtful things that I will remember forever, the GUILT is unbearable thinking of how she must be feeling, abandoned and hurt too, despite my love. She cannot see it and accept it. It has always been this way but now it's worst. I don't know how to survive this, but I do know the she is my mom, and I love her over her own behavior. I just am exhausted and so lonely.