Depression and Self-Love.

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I discovered recently (and was totally shocked by it) that my mother hates herself. I took the opportunity to ask questions and listen to her emphatically and she spilled her guts: She acknowledged she had never thought of the future and the negative consequences of not taking care of herself. When she was left paralyzed from the neck down after a car accident and two years later recovered partial movement and learned to walk again, every doctor told her she needed to be as thin as possible to make it easier for her to support her own weight. Instead she never dieted or care for her meals and became obese. Obesity brought many health problems. Now she is useless and feels guilty of "ruining" my life and make me a prisoner because I am her only care giver and depends 100% on my attention. After a rather long talk I realized that Depression originates from not loving oneself enough to take good care of our whole being: mind, heart, body, and soul. We let ourselves be carried away in the stream of life without ever being consciously aware that our actions have consequences that eventually we end up paying up very expensively. Now I am facing not only the huge responsibility of caring for my mother, but now I am painfully aware that if I do not take care of myself lovingly my health will also deteriorate and I will end up like her: paying the consequences of my actions. She is depressed. I am depressed. So how can I find the motivation and inspiration to love myself and therefore take good care of my whole being? The future looks so unappealing because my mother is only 77 years old and she comes from a family of longevity, so she could live another 20 years because I take care of her so well she does not have life-threatening illnesses besides her physical limitation and emotional depression. I make every effort to find motivation but it just does not come to me! She does not speak English and therefore I cannot find help (we cannot afford it either). I feel hand-tied. I am financially dependent on my husband who left me three years ago for another woman and he only provides because he does not want to lose the respect of our three sons, but he humiliates me and makes sure how much he hates to have to give me his crumbs (because he hardly gives me enough for food and gas). My sons support me emotionally but they cannot help physically or financially and feel bad about it.
Things are very challenging and yet my soul yearns to heal. Every time I fell into the depression I make huge efforts to get up, dust myself up, and keep going. But it is very tiring and exhausting to battle every day and what frustrates me the most is to realize that all my problems could be solved with money. Money to hire full time in home care so that I can find a creative and productive job part time and then come home to spend quality time with my mother and work together to forgive ourselves and love ourselves so that we can once and for all win the war against depression. I wish there were institutions that would give grants to people like me to raise like the Phoenix and become happier, healthier, and productive individuals who can give back to society for the help given!
What do you all think?

18 Comments

Get the divorce done. Most likely he will have to pay you a settlement, child support and alimony since you supported him. Don't delay, get a good attorney and get it done. You shouldn't have to live like that. Also, Florida offers payment to family caregivers I believe. You might want to check out what is available. Good luck and hugs to you!
My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how difficult you life has been. I too struggle with similar feelings.

Not sure it you tried this already, but the say exercise makes us healthy and happy. If you are able to leave your home, take a walk. Start with 10 minutes. Increase slowly, but be sure you go outside and walk every day. Dress well and in layers.

If you live in good weather, work in the garden. If you live in bad weather, clean the house. Someone here suggested FlyLady to me. She will send many suggestions and all are free activities to honor your home.

My heart goes out to you and I have had similar experiences. Forcing myself to walk every day has helped me. It leads to other things. I met neighbors who walk their dogs. I walked to the library and took out a book. Then I joined two book clubs there. I walk to and from the meetings. Fortunately the library is only 2 miles from home, but the round trip is 4 miles! I feel great after that. All these suggestions are free and they have made me healthier and happier, leading to other things.

I also go to church. It isn't my family's religion, but they are welcoming. They also encouraged me, reminded me to take care of myself. So when I didn't feel like it, I did something for myself.

I hope these suggestions help you too. You absolutely deserve to take time for yourself every day. My dad used to say that it is important for family members to travel and leave home, so they will have interesting stories to tell when we get home. If you do some of these things you may have interesting stories to tell your mom when you get home.

I hope you have a wonderful day and more good days every day.
You have made a huge step in the right direction by looking clearly at your situation. You start to see what a brave and strong person you are to be facing all these challenges and also to be reaching out, speaking out and being open to feedback. On a personal level you are learning how to listen to your own thoughts and realizing this is a area you have total control over - even though it is tricky and they often start being negative and so on. Take a few moments when you can to just be quiet with yourself and feel exactly how you feel - in your body and emotions. You can use self directed thoughts to sort of stroke yourself internally from head to toe and back again with thoughts of coloured, healing light (or anything that gives you some calm and pleasure). Your own mind is a very fertile field to work with. You can create internal picture, specific repeatable phrases to sooth and uplift. It can be the beginning of changes to a more positive and pleasurable focus which will eventually start to reflect into your external life. Let yourself know you are a beloved child of the universe and have every right to let yourself feel good. I have always liked the image of the phoenix rising out of the ashes. Feel that inside - visualize it in magnificent colours and great sweeping movements of the wings. Breath into the thoughts and let yourself feel them. There is the lazy warm sense of a great lizard sitting on the rocks under the warm sun. There are a million variations. The animal images give a lot of scope to play with. I remember on time years ago when I felt all alone and very clumsy with my life, imagining that I had a blue balloon floating over my head which no one could see; letting myself feel straight in the spine and a little smug with my secret balloon. It was like a secret friend. Play with your mind. It can be a secret friend and has limitless potential. Also try to look out and see the amazing thing life is and how much beauty our eyes can see and create or allow a sense of gratitude for being given a chance to experience life, no matter what it is. Much, much love to you, dear one. Also feel that the air itself loves and holds you and the sounds that you hear and like that. Feel that indeed you are in a loving circle even if the people around you are confused and harsh. Pull the light of cosmic love - however your see or describe it - and let in start to heal your very beautiful and precious soul.
I send you as many hugs and big smiles as you want through the magic thought waves. You are dear to me. Lydia
I believe somewhere there is someone who could and would love to provide the help you need. If I could, I certainly would. You sound like a wonderful person with an amazing spirit and a kind and loving soul. Please know that I am praying for you, and surely others who have seen your post are as well. God bless you.
`yes u need the air of outdoors and some sunlight for vit d..just breath for starting...just get yourself outdoors, and you don[t even have to start with walking; lift your arms in place; check online for chair exercises..one ever so tiny step at a timel..

proceeding with a divorce at this time sounds like added stress so only do so if you feel up to it. i would try to stick to the things you can rely on for the time being...

also medication a must try perhaps for both u and your momi
AnaGina, You sound like a person who is doing everything possible and more,..in your stiuation! You, ARE doing everything you can to help your mom, don't forget that. Even though you can't see it there is a reward that will be yours one day. Your "estranged husband" thinks he is getting away with something, but he isn't!! Your sons, if old enough, aren't blind, they see what is going on and they will remember!! Nothing escape your children, they are like sponges. All you can do is your best and let the rest fall as it may? You ARE giving your all to the need at hand. Just know there are people here who you can tell your hopes and fears to,.....and we will do what we can to support you through this...........! Godbless you and your Mom, Keep your Chin up your doing a fine job... And hugs too! {:)
You mentioned a step-by-step solution. Start with the last thing, then move up. In other words, reverse the order that you gave. Another thing: lets make a vow (because I have been thinking about doing this and haven't yet). Lets go get poster board (or just big paper), put it up on the wall and write down positive steps and events to remind ourselves of the good we are doing and the progress we are making. OK?
(((((Ana))))) There are programs which offer help for caregivers. Is your mum eligible for medicaid? I believe they will pay for some in-home help. have you contacted your local Agency for Aging and also Social Services and find out what options are available for you and for your mum. You said your mum does not speak English so you cannot find help. I don't understand the connection. The help is for you as much as for your mum. If you could get out and attend a caregivers support group, for example, I am sure you both would benefit. Good luck.
Yes, 'Medicaid' will pay 'You,' although not much, monies to care for your Mom. Afterall, it saves them from paying 'thousands' more if your Mom were in a nursing home! Call Medicaid, it's easy, and by the time you walk out of their office, it'll be done! Also, sit down with a 'Church' member or ask if one can come by your house (if you can't get there).. They have 'Volunteers' who come and sit, maybe have tea together, and are wonderful and trustworthy companions for your Mom, while 'You' get out for a couple hours! And again, this is Volunteering! It won't cost you a dime and... do 'Not' worry about any
language barriers either. Love and compassion Speak the Same language and you will also see that after the first visit, your Mom will welcome the new and added one on one attention they will give her! Lastly, Call Unemployment! You do Not have to be collecting unemployment to have them help you get started on a new career or a job search. They will help you get a job, part or full time. And, I also believe they will pay for any education should you need it if you're
wanting to learn something new. And so you have it, 1.) Call the Medicaid office at your local county office and ask them if they have the program to financially help 'caregivers' who are at home taking care of a loved one. 2.) Call and ask the Church (I am Sure you don't have to be a member either!) and ask them for their help, any help!! The church has SO many resources. Explain and have some one on one time with them in regards to the depression too. You'll feel SO much better!! 3.) Call Unemployment! Explain that you're out of work and you need their help, and if not now, then when You're ready!
Good luck to You! "One day at a time, and sometimes- just one Step at a time..."
Hi your story just pulled at my heart strings. Then I saw some of the wonderful advice here from the forum and I felt hope. When I am in the midst of depression I must take some action. There are programs to help but you have to put in the foot work. Sounds overwhelming but as the previous posts said start with something easy and work your way up. Remember that you are not alone. I wake in the morning with that pit in my stomach. Sometimes it goes away and sometimes it does not. You and your Mums are in my prayers.

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