I discovered recently (and was totally shocked by it) that my mother hates herself. I took the opportunity to ask questions and listen to her emphatically and she spilled her guts: She acknowledged she had never thought of the future and the negative consequences of not taking care of herself. When she was left paralyzed from the neck down after a car accident and two years later recovered partial movement and learned to walk again, every doctor told her she needed to be as thin as possible to make it easier for her to support her own weight. Instead she never dieted or care for her meals and became obese. Obesity brought many health problems. Now she is useless and feels guilty of "ruining" my life and make me a prisoner because I am her only care giver and depends 100% on my attention. After a rather long talk I realized that Depression originates from not loving oneself enough to take good care of our whole being: mind, heart, body, and soul. We let ourselves be carried away in the stream of life without ever being consciously aware that our actions have consequences that eventually we end up paying up very expensively. Now I am facing not only the huge responsibility of caring for my mother, but now I am painfully aware that if I do not take care of myself lovingly my health will also deteriorate and I will end up like her: paying the consequences of my actions. She is depressed. I am depressed. So how can I find the motivation and inspiration to love myself and therefore take good care of my whole being? The future looks so unappealing because my mother is only 77 years old and she comes from a family of longevity, so she could live another 20 years because I take care of her so well she does not have life-threatening illnesses besides her physical limitation and emotional depression. I make every effort to find motivation but it just does not come to me! She does not speak English and therefore I cannot find help (we cannot afford it either). I feel hand-tied. I am financially dependent on my husband who left me three years ago for another woman and he only provides because he does not want to lose the respect of our three sons, but he humiliates me and makes sure how much he hates to have to give me his crumbs (because he hardly gives me enough for food and gas). My sons support me emotionally but they cannot help physically or financially and feel bad about it.
Things are very challenging and yet my soul yearns to heal. Every time I fell into the depression I make huge efforts to get up, dust myself up, and keep going. But it is very tiring and exhausting to battle every day and what frustrates me the most is to realize that all my problems could be solved with money. Money to hire full time in home care so that I can find a creative and productive job part time and then come home to spend quality time with my mother and work together to forgive ourselves and love ourselves so that we can once and for all win the war against depression. I wish there were institutions that would give grants to people like me to raise like the Phoenix and become happier, healthier, and productive individuals who can give back to society for the help given!
What do you all think?