Depressed. Mom is in the hospital again.

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I have had stress mostly non-stop from my mother since February. She has anxiety disorder (medicine doesn't help a lot), is rigid, and won't listen to anyone. She is 87 years old on a walker and lives by herself. My brother stays over three days a week and there is a maid that comes once a week. My brother has personality disorder and causes more problems. She will be sent home eventually. I will stay with her for about five days. I live an hour and a half away. Then I'll try to get her to pay for someone to stay with her when she is alone. She will tell me she can't afford it. She can. She will say she can take care of herself. She really should be in assisted living. She can't afford that and she won't go if she could. I'm tired of going through stuff with my mother. She is very negative and stubborn. And I'm tired. Wish she would die, but she won't. She keeps coming through each health crisis.


Very important: Contact the Discharge Planner at the hospital. Tell them she lives alone, because the patient will lie about that. Tell them the brother has BPD and should not care for her, and you no longer can. Tell them she refuses to hire help. Tell them you are NOT going to pick her up and take her home. Place the full reality of it on the table.
It is obvious that she needs help. As Pam said lay it all out on the table. Do not tell falsehoods about the situation. The staff at the hospital can help get her placed in an appropriate facility. Do you have POA? Many times it comes down to making very difficult decisions for everybody's best interest. If mom is competent then she can refuse care and has every right to. If that occurs your only option will be to detach yourself from the situation.
The best advice I ever got here was "lay it on the line with the discharge planners". No, I will not be giving up my job to care for Mom; no, my brother cannot drive 90 minutes each way every time she panics, no, she can no longer pay her bills, sort out her pills or drive safely. In short, she CAN"T take care of herself any more and someone has to tell her that. The discharge planning people will help make a plan. It's just amazing to me that elders will listen to complete strangers about this stuff. ALSO, if your mom suffers from the kind of systemic anxiety that it sounds like she has, she needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist, pronto Whatever meds she's taking, sounds like she needs something different.
gladimhere said the magic word: detach.

You can't force her to hire caregivers. You can't force your mom to do anything. Begging and pleading and trying to reason with her only upsets YOU and gets YOU into a state. It sounds like you're doing everything you can for her. Eventually there will be a crisis she can't bounce back from and she will need support in place before that happens (like a NH or AL). Trying to set all of that up (selling a house, finding a suitable facility, trying to get her to see that she has no choice, etc) in the midst of a crisis results in stress beyond the mind's comprehension. That's what happened in my situation and I literally thought that I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack. I was amazed that my body could withstand as much stress as it had and still keep going.

I agree with the others. Start a conversation with the discharge planners and go from there.

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