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She was diagnosed 2 years ago, my uncle lives out of state, has seen her once. He doesn't believe me, even though he's here and found out her money is still in her name, told me you haven't stole it yet! He has changed her locks and made certain demands. I'm not sure what other things he has done since he won't talk to me and I'm not allowed to see her. I have seen a lawyer and they have advised me to file a petition to be conservator. I'm an emotional mess, this involves a hearing and a lot of paperwork. He has returned home and has left my mom In the care of someone she's known less than 10 years and this person does not live here either, she has taken my mom home with her. I can't get any answers from this person either, other than she's with me and she's safe! I really don't know what to do, it seems extreme to report her as a missing person, which I have been advised to do. Has anyone here experienced anything like this. These people think my mom is normal and that I diagnosed her, I'm beginning to think I'm crazy. Neither one of them have spent more than a few days with her. I gave them the Drs name who diagnosed her but they were not interested in speaking to him! I feel like I'm living a really bad nightmare right now!

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Meant to say l in my last post * like YOUR SIL not you, SIL . Sorry!!!
Capnhardass - Yous got me all confused. It doesn't take much, though. I was just asking missymay if she thinks Dr. Phil is annoying with his book plugging. I have a feeling you probably don't watch the good Dr. I like his show but he constantly plugs his new book that his son published. It is ca ray zee !!!
Yes, lots of issues with elder care. A smart college kid would change his/her major to elder care-be it law, health or advocacy. They won't be without a job!
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Eyerishlass you're probably right, I might look like the irrational one! It was an idea someone suggested, they thought I had every right to be there since I've been the one watching over her since the diagnosis. I take her to all her appts since I'm all that's left out of her family. My dad and brother died a few years ago. There's 5 grand kids, my daughter has helped me, especially when my mom is being very hateful and accusing me of being a terrible daughter. She's been my ally going with me and as always my mother is just as sweet as can be when my daughter is with me, that is, until these past 2-3 months. She is now beginning to turn against her.

The neighbors tried telling my uncle when he was here, I guess he just refuses to believe anyone. My lawyer has sent a letter with a mental capacity form filled out by the Dr. I'm going to print info from online that states the different stages of dementia and send it to him and see what happens! I think ignorance can make people do really irrational things and then pride keeps them from admitting they really screwed up! I think I'll just wait and see what happens after this next Drs appt when he confirms she has dementia!
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Whatever you do, DON'T let the courts step in and take over -- if there must be a conservator let it be you ...or your uncle. Be very cooperative --offer your uncle that he can be primary conservator, as long as you are secondary. I'm betting that with that option he is likely to start backpedalling like crazy, since conservatorship IS a lot of work. You or your uncle will cost your mother less in the long run, and her care will be better (unfortunately professionals tend to do whatever is easy, not what is best for your Mom). All of the expenses will be paid out of your mother's estate, not yours, so don't worry about that part. Why is it cheaper? You will have to pay for lawyers, but you do not have to charge conservatorship fees. The professional WILL charge for lawyers fees PLUS $125/hr for EVERYTHING that they do (talking to you on the phone, talking to her on the phone,talking to your uncle on the phone, visiting your mother, talking to their lawyers/her lawyers/your lawyer, talking to her Dr./caregivers etc., ). Non-family conservators are an absolute nightmare.
I can vouch for the "appearing normal" part of dementia. I'm sure you've realized by now that dementia patients can "put on a show" for outsiders, especially if, like your uncle they only see her occasionally. Your uncle may very well "want" for his Sis to be OK, and he can't be blamed for wanting to protect her.
Some years ago I had the privilege of listening to several AZ patients being interviewed, along with their caregivers. One, a 60-something well-educated dentist sat and confidently (and convincingly) asserted that he felt that he was fine left at home alone. Then his wife was asked what made her realize that he needed supervision. She said it was when she came home from running errands, & found her husband in the driveway with the chainsaw, getting ready to cut down all the palm trees. When she asked him why he admitted that he had no idea.
Your mother is likely to be very convincing, and may come up with every conceivable reason why she is OK and it's you that are the problem (this is why you are after her $, etc, etc etc). You still need to do whatever it takes to protect her, and the good news is that this is nothing new for the courts -- they've seen it all before. If you can get a non-conservatorship option in place that would be better (but likely to require your uncle's cooperation). If it DOES come to a conservatorship proving that you haven't taken the money & a Dr's note should help. Maybe have a thorough exam by a neurosurgeon if your Mom will agree to it (is this maybe what your uncle has arranged? Hopefully so!). For due diligence,if her Doc hasn't already done it maybe have a blood work-up to make sure that there isn't anything going on with meds/nutritional deficiency, etc.
All that said, at this point there are two things to address -- the first is to make sure that your mother is safe, that her assets are protected. Don't assume that either your uncle or the lady are "up to no good" --they haven't heard good things about you, so are justified in being suspicious.
The second is to try to allow her as much freedom and happiness as is possible while staying safe if she returns home (reconciling these two tasks require the wisdom of Solomon to, BTW). Our natural tendency (and that of APS) is to want to "protect" our elders by locking them in padded boxes for their own safety. Their instincts are to fight frantically for their freedom, no matter what. With dementia they are in in denial that there is a problem, since they feel "normal". They may be able to admit that there seem to be some small problems (with check-writing, etc.), however they are absolutely convinced that they "obviously" don't need help, and that their decision-making skills are "just fine". They are sure that they know exactly what they are doing, therefore it must be that everyone else is the problem (while some part of their brain knows that this explanation isn't correct though...it's sort of interesting).
Best of luck. If you don't feel like you can do the actual care, push your uncle to do it. Bet he dumps it on you once the Dr. confirms the dementia diagnosis. Good news is that maybe your Mom can get on meds (aricept maybe) that might help slow the progress of the disease.
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@ mishka,
if the uncle is a conclusion jumping meddler he isnt likely the type to read literature with the intent of learning anything. ita apparent to me that america is struggling under a wave of elder / carer relationships and good standard criteria is not in place yet.
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I love Dr. Phil, missymay-but doesn't his plugging of his book "produced bah mah son Jay" drive you nuts? But I agree Uncle is probably up to no good. Like you SIL ( horrible!)'
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Watch out for this uncle who all of a sudden shows all of this compassion when he was never around much. Whenever there is money concerned these relatives may have an ulterior motive. Dr. Phil calls them baiters.
My husband and I are going through something similar only it's his sister who has kidnapped his mom and moved somewhere with the mom but will not tell us the location. This is the sister who has been absent for years now feels she is entitled to all their mom's assets. Sil had my husband's name taken off of mil's documents by accusing him of stealing her money. He is a wonderful son and when this one was very disrespectful and always played the victim he was his moms caretaker. His mom is 92 and has dementia. The evil sis now has access to mil bank account and stocks. We feel helpless too. She is afraid to face us because she is stealing.
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So the uncle thinks he's doing what's best for his sister.

I can't help but think that any Dr. will be able to tell your uncle that yes, she has dementia. But as for finding out where this Dr. is and finding out when the appointment is and then going there to confront them....that could backfire on you in my opinion. You might come out of that looking like the irrational one.

I don't blame you for not being up for a custody fight. It'll cost you a bunch of money and be emotionally draining not to mention possibly exploit your mom and her dementia. What a mess! I can understand why you're so upset.

Does this uncle have issues? It seems rather strange that he would swoop in and just snatch your mom away from you. Are you a new caregiver to your mom or have you been her caregiver for a while? And if you've been your mom's caregiver for a while, why now? Why is your uncle doing this now? What is his problem? Is it possible that he wants his names on mom's accounts? I just can't help but think he's got ulterior motives.
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Oh Mjsils, I am sorry for you. Can you get some written information sent to him about dementia and how deceiving it can be? How about affidavits from your Mom's neighbors , friend's, doctors telling your uncle what Mom is really like.

I think you need to do what the lawyer said. But I hate that you have to go through that. Best wishes and please, if you can, keep us updated. Your story may help someone in a similar position someday.
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I have consulted a lawyer, they say I should apply for conservatorship,, but the paper work and a hearing do not sound at all what I can handle right now, especially if my Uncle disagrees! If he had come here to take her home with him, I would have helped him pack her things, but that is not his intentions. He thinks I should leave her alone to do whatever she wants, he thinks she's fine! As for the person he left her with, I question her motives! I have found out they are taking her to another Dr I just don't know who the Dr is. Should I try and find out and just show up at the appt?
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Your uncle may mean well but he is uneducated and uninformed. Some people with dementia can and do appear quite normal especially if their social skills are still intact. I remember when my grandma had Alzheimer's and after chatting with her for 10 minutes, some lady commented on how wonderful it was that my grandma was 91 and still sharp as a tack. We smiled to ourselves and thanked her.

If the dementia has not yet progressed to where someone is mad as a hatter people who are not familiar with the person (like an uncle who lives out of state) can't tell a difference. My dad has dementia and the nursing home staff tell us how happy and positive he is all the time. The man is half dead and has completely lost his mind!

I am so sorry that you are going through such a nightmare. It must be a very helpless feeling. If there's a considerable amount of money involved I'd be suspicious of the uncle's motivation in showing up out of nowhere and bulldozing over you to get to your mom. And the person with whom your mom is staying may not be familiar enough with your mom to notice that something is off about her. Your mom's not missing so I wouldn't go that route but I would definitely consult an elder law attorney. What actions is your uncle taking? Why did he place your mom, his sister, with a third party?

Other than consulting with an attorney I don't know if there's much you can do and still stay within the confines of the law. You definitely don't want to go doing something rash and making the situation worse for yourself. But I would definitely consult a lawyer asap.
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i dont have much useful advice but your situation must be maddening. an attorney sounds like a nightmare but ive found that most attorneys are but months or a few years away from a position as a judge and for all practical purposes he / she IS making the determination in the case as you speak to them. the judge is essentially an after the fact formality.
the most complicated aspect of your position may become; if mom is going to do battle with you from here out you may be limited in what you can do for her once a conservatorship is obtained. ( and i believe it will be, uncle doesnt know s**t. )
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