Making decisions that are going to make your parent mad...

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My mother has no short term memory. Her little patio home is paid off. She wants me to move in with her....i want to sell her home and invest the money...and us find a place to rent (for now) near my son and niece (i am near them now) so i have help when needed. My current home is not set up in a way she would need. I feel guilty about telling hwr no...guess its still the child in me. Im afraid if she eventually does agree to move, she will still be resentful and angry and sad about it. Does anyone else struggle with having to go against the parent, even though you know its necessary...or does it just become easier over time, or do you just shut down emotions in order to do it. Mom is 85, im 58, and she now lives about 20 miles away. I do her shopping, and take her to dr appts, do her checkbook, etc. I have POA so i can make the decisions but dread having to force things on her, even when i know i will have to in her best interest.


Yes, feeling guilty about telling her no is still the the child in you that does not want to make mommy angry or hurt. Yes, if she does agree to move somewhere, she will have some adjustments to make as she works through some resentment of having to leave her home, the anger over loosing control of her life, and the sadness that comes when facing the fact of one's own mortality.

Also, there are many stories here where moving the parent in one's house or moving into their house does breed resentment, anger and sadness or depression because of the feeling of being trapped in their reality and illness all of the time without your own life which you really need to continue to take care of at 58.

Has your mother been evaluated recently for how competent she is to handle her business in a business like manner? If so, have you told her doctor your own observations in private because parents, like my mom did, will try their best to put on their best for the doctor. Depending on what her doctor says, your mother's Alzhiemer's may be at the point where she is beyond you taking care of her in her house or in an apartment that you move into together. I don't know, but listen to what the doctor tells you.

My dad's short term memory is gone and his doctor has declared him incompetent which activated the durable POA that my step-sister has. Neither of us like the idea of having to force change on him, but when it is in his best interest, we will just have to.

The way I looked at it with my mom and look at it with now with my dad. Our parents entrusted us with the authority and responsibility of POA for the very time of their life as this when they knew they would need help in dealing with things. We are at that point and it sounds like you very well may be. That is when you just do what you have been authorized and entrusted to do for their best care and safety.

With my mother it was not all that difficult because she broke her hip, went to a NH for rehab, but did not make any progress and thus stayed their until she died four years later from a stroke. It would have been totally impossible to take care of her at home although my step-dad (who is in a wheel chair thought he could along with his helper who was clueless) and I was not in any position to take her into my house or sell my house and move an hour to where she lived. She was 82 when she died and I was her durable and medical POA which my step-dad did not like at all.

My dad on the other hand is going to be tougher. He is 89 and his Alzhiemer's is advancing and he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's. My step-sister is his durable and medical POA for she lives nearby and I am and 8 hour drive away. His wife died back in May which has hit him hard. Since then, he has had 24/7 care at home from three different caregivers paid for partly by his Long Term Care Policy and his own resources. He said before my step-mother died that once she died that he would move into an assisted living which they had already picked out. Now he's forgotten that he ever said that and does not want to leave his house. My step-sister, myself, and my wife believe that he is beyond assisted living and probably needs a memory care unit in a nursing home. We are looking at making this decision sometime this year. It will actually cost less to do this because we can then eliminate the cost of upkeep on the house and sell it to help pay for his care. This move would also reduce the stress on my step-sister who is coordinating the caregivers. I'm 58 and am on disability. My step-sister has taken early retirement which she was financially able to afford to do.

I wish you the very best as you seek what is the best for your mother's care and safety and what is best for your own well being financially, emotionally, socially, etc. Don't through yourself under the bus. There are options.

Cmagnum, ..i pay moms bills (we are both on her account), take her to appts, so forth. So far, she is still taking care of her hygiene and meds ok, and has a housekeeper in twice a month. We are not yet at a critical point where a change has to be made but i know that we are probably within 6 months of being there. Her primary care dr is aware of her memory issue and placed her on aricept but there isnt a diagnosis. There are so many hard to read issues on the site that it scares me about whats ahead for both of us. This switching of roles is so much harder than what i thought it would be. I guess i didnt realize that she would not be willing/agreeable to any change other than what she wanted. Until i began reading from this site, i didnt have a clue about how much more difficult things could likely become. Im trying to just go with the flow for now, keeping an eye on things. She will either go downhill mentally or physically until a change has to be made...its like waiting for a storm to hit that you know is coming.
Do NOT move in with her. Start taking her on tours of Assisted Living. They will help sort out the financial end and see what aid she may be eligible for.
Assure her it is not for now, but for when the time comes when she needs it. Moving in together seldom works for the better.
I'm glad that you found this site and have learned much from what you have read. No need to be afraid of the issues that are before you because now you have a resource for information and threads for support and ideas from people who have been or are in where you are. The good news is that you are not alone. Keep reminding yourself that she entrusted you with the POA because she trusted you to make the right decisions for her safety and care when she was no longer able to or no longer able to be reasoned with because of dementia as to why some change needs to take place. As you plan and make decisions about your mother don't leave your own well being and financial safety out of the picture.

I fee like I am beginning to start repeating what I said earlier, so I will stop.
If her short term memory is gone and she has dementia, then she will only worsen. Looking as assisted living close to where you live may be a good option. It may not be what she wants, but is she competent to make her own decisions at this point? Check with your local area agency on aging or bureau of senior services for programs that may help to pay for assisted living once the funds from her home are depleted. Depending on the selling price you can check with an elder law attorney on how to best go about spending the funds. It is not easy when we have to make decisions that will affect our parents, but many time it is necessary to protect them and to make sure they receive the care they need. If your mom is social, she may enjoy leaving the assisted living facility to attend an adult medical day care program. From my experience these programs are great. As her POA you must make decisions on her behalf when she is not able to do so, and these decisions must be made to care and protect her. Mom is 85, she will decline in time and you may be physically unable to care for her. Look for an assisted living that offers dementia care. The above listed agencies can also give you info on the local ombudsman program. The long term care ombudsman is an advocate for residents and can give you info on what to look for in a facility.

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