The death of a caregiver.

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I am pretty sure I can't do this without my mom. It's just too overwhelming. It's just too much pain. It's too much sadness.

19 Comments

Call 911 and go to the ER so they can admit you to the hospital. Depression is treatable and the grief will get better. Just give yourself a chance. Death is very final and we have no guarantees that what is on the other side will be better. Call 911 and check yourself in.
Monday, I am so sorry about the death of your mother. You were very close and the pain is intense. You will always miss her, but the pain and sadness will become less intense as time passes. Give yourself time to heal. Surely your mother would want you to heal and to get on with your life and to carry memories of her with you always. But give yourself time. Don't expect that you are supposed to snap back to "normal" in a few weeks. Right now being overwhelmed with grief is normal.

Is there someone you can talk to and share your grief with? A pastor, a counselor, a best friend ... someone who can acknowledge what you are going through, and be there for you?

Hugs to you. Please come back frequently and let us know how you are doing.
You feel like you can't do this, but you can. Most people feel like they can't but they can. Go get help. Whatever is making you think that your whole life needed to be centered on your mom, and that it is at an end because your mom is gone, needs to be stared down with help from someone who can tell you that you have worth as your own person, on your own. You have just had the rug pulled out from under you and you have had thoughts like this before. Children are meant to survive their parents and carry on. Grief hurts like nothing else in this life does. I'm going to quote you to yourself: "You are a good daughter. You are doing the right things. Tell yourself that and believe it. You love your mother." Monday, you ARE a good daughter - a good person - who struggled with and did the right things as you saw them, even when family were no help - you have too much love in your heart to take yourself out of the picture. This world needs hearts full of love like yours. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST now, because you need to. You are deserving of help, support and love. And time and patience to build a different kind life again, centered on something else besides being Mom's physical caregiver, and that something else will without a doubt be revealed to you if you hang on.
I've just clicked to report my own post to get the moderator's attention and see if any of the site experts have additional words of wisdom!
Call a friend, they will comfort you.. Please don't do anything tragic we are here for you..
3930 helpful answers
Monday, as I mentioned in answering your earlier post, the very worst thing for a parent is the death of their child - no matter the age. Your mother wants you to live and get better. Please get help. Call 9-1-1 as suggested if you are thinking of harming yourself.

Your Mother's death has affected you to the core. Right now it seems like the pain will never go away. That could be true, but it will get better with time. You'll learn to feel your mother's presence in other ways - her spiritual presence. You and she will always be a team.

It sounds as if seeing a professional counselor is a must. If you are not ready to call 9-1-1 because of an emergency, please pick up the phone and call your church or a counseling center. Tell them you have thought (or are thinking) of suicide. They will get you help. If your community has a mental health hotline, call that. Many communities have help at hand when you dial 2-1-1. They can connect you with help.

Life will go on and get better but you have to take that first step. If you have a close friend, call him or her to help you make these other calls. If not, perhaps a friend of your mother's or else, as I mention, your spiritual leader. You mentioned in your original post that you knew your mother was with God, so this is the time for faith. Give your pain over to God and do the practical things needed. Call for help. We're all thinking of you here at Agingcare.
Blessings,
Carol
the last months of living in a worn out / failing / dying body are not a pleasant experience. thats why terminal restlessness followed by terminal agitation are typically seen just before death. @ monday,
try to feel a degree of relief for your mother.
I believe you are writing on this site because you don't really want to die - you want help. You want the encouragement and strength of our words to wake you up - get you off the computer and onto the phone. If I could physically dial the hospital for you, I would, but only you can do that. I don't know you or your Mom, but I am willing to bet that your mother would not be happy if she were reading what you have written, both above and in your original post. You devoted your life to your mother - both figuratively and literally - but just because she is gone, does not mean your life is over. In your original post, you spoke of having had a plan..a plan of going with your mother when she died...of not intending to live after she is gone. I suspect you have been dealing with depression for a very long time. If you are already taking antidepressants, then you need the dosage evaluated...if you aren't, then please consider getting on them. Call your sister - better yet, go stay with her for awhile - get out of your house and regroup. Think of the happy memories you have of you and your mother, before she had her stroke and became ill - what were your life goals then? Did you want to go to work? college? Certainly you did not always feel the way you do now - your grief is real and it is painful, but it WILL subside and the light WILL brighten the darkness again, but only if you let it....it's all up to you.
Recently I've spent time reading a lot of the current and past postings on this website. I realize more than ever how similar and different we all are. I've tried to post responses to your kind words but always ended up deleting my thoughts - as I will probably do with these. It's exhausting trying to explain what's in my head and heart. Hoping someone understands and doesn't judge me or assume they know what I feel. When I wrote that I had planned - all along - to die with my mom - it wasn't out of depression - as weird as that may sound. I didn't want to die because I was depressed or had been depressed. I've had a good life. I graduated from a great college, I've traveled the world, I learned how scuba dive and explore the depths of the oceans, I learned how to ride a motorcycle and even owned one for many years. God blessed me with a business that both my mom and dad worked at with me - where I was of service to others through my writing. No, my mention of wanting and planning to leave this earth when/if my mom died, had nothing to do with depression. It was about feeling like my purpose in life was over. I took care of my dad, I was my 94-year-old uncle's favorite niece who looked after him and talked to him every day, I was the only graduate of my college that was at my favorite professor's hospice bedside the last 6 months of his life. My dad, my professor, my uncle, and now my mom - the 4 people in my world that meant everything to me are gone. I know this doesn't make sense to probably everybody reading it. And, again, I'll probably delete it and not post it. I am so unsettled, restless, and sad tonight. There is no where I want to go, no place I want to be, nothing I want to do - though I have plenty to do - here at our home and for my clients. But I can't focus and I can't stop thinking about my mom. So, this week I've attended 3 funerals of people I did not know. I didn't go to the funeral homes, just to the masses at the local churches. It's funny and sad how people can live to be in their 90s and when they die there's hardly anyone at their last services. So, tonight I am still here. Taking it one moment at a time. Missing my mom more than I can explain or express. My mom - who was never a burden to me - but a blessing. My mom - who I was honored and humbled and blessed and loved so much - who was a joy to be with - who made me laugh and who laughed at my one liners. OH MY GOD. I MISS MY MOM.
**not that it matters to anyone but me - but I wrote that my uncle was 94, he was 92. he died suddenly from a fall at a nursing home in march 2013. he wanted to come live with my mom and me but his daughter-in-law (a nurse) and his son (a doctor) wouldn't let him come back to town here (they live 3 hours away). they didn't want him to live with them and they didn't want him here with us (we were like the 3 muskateers - my uncle, my mom, and me) before my mom had her stroke - going everywhere together. - too much to explain - but he was 92 when he died in march. and my mom and I talked to him every day on the phone and always sent him beautiful presents and surprise treats and gifts all along to continue to show him - through our actions, love, and attention - how much we loved him. what do you do when you can't sleep? can't think? can't focus? thank you for listening and for taking the time to read this mumble jumble.

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