The death of a caregiver.

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I am pretty sure I can't do this without my mom. It's just too overwhelming. It's just too much pain. It's too much sadness.

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My theory - admittedly with a religious/theological base- is that if you are left here on this earth, there *is* a purpose for your life. Finding it is not the simplest of things, but rest assured that it is there...maybe you aren't supposed to find it until you are ready! I am just relieved you are OK and with us to write and share and hang in there unti lthings get better.
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Monday, I'm so glad you didn't delete what you wrote & you hit that "submit" button - it helps knowing more about your situation so people like me aren't left to "guess" about the details...thank you for that. You certainly DO have a lot to live for, and I suspect it will one day revolve around helping others cope with their own grief - you have an amazing way with words. Have you considered starting a blog? Writing a book? I'm sure there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people who are feeling just as anguished as you are over the loss of their loved one - wouldn't it be great to be able to reach them and help "talk them off the ledge" so to speak? The suggestion of a grief counselor is a good one - I hope you consider it. (((hugs)))
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OK, my grandpa ghost probably sounds crazy, but I do feel his presence in my heart. It makes me feel so comforted and safe.

Your mom sounds like such a strong woman and a fighter. The two of you clearly loved each other very much.
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Yes, this too shall pass. Do get help as some have suggested, If you are suicidal by all means get help. Have you formed a plan? Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Resources are available to help you. You have been through a lot. I lost my father, my nurturing parent about 30 years ago. I still miss him. I lost my youngest son, 11 years ago. I didn't know how I would live through that one, but I did.
Sometimes we do it one breath at a time, one minute at a time, one hour at a time. For me, the pain is much less now, though it has not gone away altogether. The missing stays, but is not as painful. Right now, for you, the pain and missing is tremendous.
Dear soul, you have lost two beloved people very close together. That makes the burden of grief much harder. Be kind to yourself. The things you have to do can mostly wait.
After all you have and are going through, you are not the same person. Take this time to find out who you are now, Losses change people. Some things become much more important, and some much less. Above all, be gentle with you - nurture yourself as you did your mum and your uncle, buy yourself some of those little presents in memory of them, care for yourself in the same way, You will get through this, though for now life is very painful, I know. When we lose someone close, we have a hole in our hearts that nothing can fill - but we learn to live with it. Love and hugs Come back and let us know how you are,
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Monday, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You sound so lost, confused, and anguished.Not a good time to make important decisions. Cry, moan, and wail. Rend garments. Yell at god.

I don't know if this will help or not, but when I'm lost and confused, I think of my grandfather. He's been dead a long (looong) time, but I can still feel his love for me, and his hopes and dreams for me. I think of him when I am lost and in pain, and I lean on his hopes and dreams for me when I can't remember my own. It probably sounds so strange, but it's like he is still with me and I feel a great deal of peace and love. I'll do for him what I don't have the strength or courage to do for myself.
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Do what I do when times are tough! Turn on your tv and watch your favorite program. Keep switching the channel on your remote control and when a program interests you watch for about 10 minutes or longer until you go to sleep or until you are bored with the program and then switch to a different channel. It probably sounds counterproductive but to me sometimes when we schedule being lazy that's when we become the most productive afterwards. If you feel sad feel sad. If you feel overwhelmed, stop and don't do anything for the moment. We can not do anything when we are overwhelmed anyway so let that feeling pass. Tell yourself that whatever emotion you're going through, "I am just going through this experience. This too SHALL PASS!"
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I do not know if it is the same thing, but I often ask myself what I will be when my mother passes. For the past four years, I've taken care of my father and mother and two sick rabbits. It takes the greater part of my day. My father is gone now and my rabbits and mother are dying. And I wonder what will I be when everyone is gone. It is probably something that long-term full-time caregivers ask themselves, particularly if they aren't married with children. People who are married with children at least are still spouses and parents.

I don't know if I would go as far as to say we are all here for a purpose. But I would say that we can find our own purpose. Each of us have certain talents to contribute. For some it is caregiving. For others it is something completely different. If you feel like your talent is caring for others, then it is what you should do. There are a lot of people who need people to care for them.

But for yourself right now, a grief counselor to help you work through the loss of your father, your mother, and your uncle may certainly help. I have a feeling you still have many years here on earth. It would be great if you could enjoy them and have others enjoy that you are here for them.
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One day at a time, dear Monday. Recently in Bisbee, AZ. a 40 yo entertainer died after a long illness. Her husband stopped on his way home from the hospital, bought a gun and killed himself. It was and is So awful for his family and 100s of friends. Please seek out a doctor that will help you. I have known people to live through some awful things. I hope that you do, too.
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Hi Monday! Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Many times I feel like I don't have enough support myself. I spend time in nature and watching tv when I need respite. When times are tough, keep moving forward. Focus on what needs to be done today don't focus on the past or future, focus on today. And then repeat the same when you wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day. As caregivers, we are all warriors fighting to be strong and to survive the many storms and rollercoaster emotions.
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**not that it matters to anyone but me - but I wrote that my uncle was 94, he was 92. he died suddenly from a fall at a nursing home in march 2013. he wanted to come live with my mom and me but his daughter-in-law (a nurse) and his son (a doctor) wouldn't let him come back to town here (they live 3 hours away). they didn't want him to live with them and they didn't want him here with us (we were like the 3 muskateers - my uncle, my mom, and me) before my mom had her stroke - going everywhere together. - too much to explain - but he was 92 when he died in march. and my mom and I talked to him every day on the phone and always sent him beautiful presents and surprise treats and gifts all along to continue to show him - through our actions, love, and attention - how much we loved him. what do you do when you can't sleep? can't think? can't focus? thank you for listening and for taking the time to read this mumble jumble.
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