I'm on respite.....and a new kind of heart break.

I agree...If I knew my mom would have someone she trusted and felt comfortable with in a nursing facility I would definitely be happy for her. It sounds like you did your best for the years you took care of her. I believe sometimes things happen for a reason. Maybe that reason was for you to take your life back and except that your mom will be okay with out you. It doesn't mean you cannot be a part of her life there. But if she is doing great. Hurray! God Bless.

I visited mom yesterday. They said she had been asking for me, made me feel good. She is very sleepy and kept dozing. But she knew me and said I was her favorite daughter. A joke we have because I'm her only daughter. I told her she was my favorite mother. We chuckled. She is kind of zoombied out as far as not being outgoing or talkative. But she still has moments of outbursts where she gives my Dadhellfor leaving her. She thinks he divorced her but he actually committed suicide 28 years ago. A tragedy, because he was the most kind and gentle man i have known, well my husband is just like him, but mentally strong. My dad suffered child abuse and PTSD from 5 years in war and when his mom was dying he could not take stand shot himself in the shower and my mom found him they loved each other very much.
My husband told me I look10 years younger since the caregiving stress has lifted. I appreciate all your responses, it has readymade me feel I have friends out there who care enough to comment on my situation. I respectandpray for all of you. I hope can keep mom in there without the guilt making me drag her home. She said she likes her room there.

((((((((((Here4her)))))))) how about changng that handle to "Here4me"? Maybe is it time to get rid of the voices. You know, the ones in your head that tell you you are not good enough, you are not doing enough, you are not caring enough, that what your mum says about you is right. the guilt , the worry... Logically - it doesn't do her any good, and it certainly doesn't do you any good. I can relate, and have, and still do to some extent, deal with these things still, but much less than I did. I have found that therapy helps, and supportive friends are invaluable. Dear one, it has been a big shock to see the changes in your mum, the decline that has brought about the change in your relationship. Try to remember that her brain is not the same, and that in her heart she still loves you, and that all those good times you had together with her still count. No one and no thing can take those away. Sometimes we are left with only memories, even when our loved one is still alive, Hang on to them, and look after yourself. Some of us don't even have those. If you feel you need counselling, perhaps find someone who understands grief. You will do the right thing, even if you mum responds differently than you hope. That is not in your control. Glad your IBS is better, and your face shows less stress. Keep going in that direction. Lover and (((((((((hugs)))))))))) Joan

I'm going to see her today and assess
How she is on seroquel I've been home 4 days
And haven't had the nerve to go check, afraid of what
I'll find. Mu IBS has been better and stress level
Down. I pray I can do the right thing, I fear what
How she will treat me. Thank you all for the support
No one else understands the guilt and worry
Along with the other emotions we feel.

I love all the supportive comments that have been made, Her4her even as you struggle with making a decision I think you already know what is best for you all. From personal experience since your Mom is familiar, comfortable and well taken care of, it would likely be best to let her stay there while you advocate for her and attend to her in a more social and loving way than direct care wear and tear on your own health and family happiness.
Be happy that Mom has taken to that Nurse and that you have someone else who "helps" you care for Mom. Mom loves you! Maybe this is her way of saying daughter live your life.
Best wishes to you and to a peaceful decision.

Dear Cnsulliva, Your sense of how long this can go on, is precisely how I feel. My mom is up and down. Some times I think it might be the end, other times she is happy, healthy and strong. I too appreciate this site and your comments. Just saying we are in this together.... thank you for sharing!

i feel for everyone who has posted and i understand and face some of the same issues. thank goodness for all who post on this site....it makes us feel so less alone in the decision making and day-to-day living.
i wonder too about my mother....she has lived with me for 3 years and so quickly became forgettful and has lost the past 3 years. she is 6 weeks in a NH and is physically better than most of the residents, and she is talkative and alert but has no long term (or past 10 minutes) of memory. at times she asks to leave and go stay with me (not remembering that she lived with me) and I do wonder if i could do it again. i teach and have a flexible schedule, and i live alone on a small farm so she would be isolated, but she made few friends while she was with me. she basically is obsessed with me and all she says she wants is to be with me. she has enough savings to last for about 3 years on private pay...but after that I hate the idea of the govt. (medicare) coming in and looking at how we have spent money for the past 5 years.....can they really quibble over the cost of a hot water heater, or small monetary gifts she made to me or to her sister or others? If she came back home it would probably require a sitter and i wonder if she really would be happier....i know the stress of caregiving and i admit that most times i did not like that life.....but how long can this go on? we all must make our own decisions based on our unique circumstances but it does help to see how others have navigated through this.

Sweetie, you have to let "this" go. For "YOUR" health you want and need to have more people, even just one more person to be of a support to and for you mom and YOU!

I agree with N1K2R3 and the others who suggest that your mum needs the care she is gettng in a facilty, and you and your family need time for yourselves. She will only need more care in the future, and you have done more than your part. You are grieving due to the changes. Having your mum out of your home is a big step after 8 years. But for some there comes a time, and it looks like this is it for you, and your family.You will still have lots to do visitng her. Please let go of the guilt - it comes along with the caregiving, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done a wonderful job with your mum and still are doing it, only in a different way. You will always be her daughter and have a speciakl place in her heart, even if she is not able ti express that well now. Your "old" mum is gone. Yes you want her back, but she is gone now. Give yourself time to adjust to this new normal, pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and continue to be that loving daughter to your mum where she is. She needs the extra care she is getting there. Many hugs and let us know how your both are doing,

Hello Here4her! I suggest that you leave your mother there, where she is comfortable and bonding with the staff nurses.
You may not be able to handle the episodes that required Haldol ( a very powerful anti-psychotic drug). Visit frequently and enjoy her company. The time has come, my dear.

It is important to honor your own health first. No mom would want caring for her to damage a beloved child. Drugs can create problems for the elderly, be thankful for a good facility giving needed care.

Ladee, I love to call you as "Linda", it is my oldest daughter's name also!
I did had same feeling of you as paid caregiver when I left my last job when it was end last March.... My client's and I didn't agree with some issues with her... Sometimes her daughter calls me to come back when she was drunk.....lol. now I have a caregivers dream job and my new client and her family loves me!!! I know/ think you are the wonderful caregiver for any family who needs your help! Hanging there... Tomorrow I will go see my old client for her 78th BD...Sue

Oh Sooozi, you have no idea how bad I needed to read your post....what an honest statement.... I don't know if I'm proud of you, proud for you, or just plain proud that a family memeber understands that sometimes the paid caregivers really do know what they are doing...
On another thread I vented about loosing it at my job today.. too long to go into here, but I just want to scream at the family...... my lady is on Hospice... and I am dealing with my OWN feelings about this, but what the family expects of me is not going to happen, they found that out today.... I have been a paid caregiver in one form or anothe for the past 15 years.... and after M passes... I am out of there, no more for me.... I can do my 'job' all day long and all night... what I CAN NOT deal with any more is the families.....
So thank you for your honesty.... lets me know there are some families out there that are exhausted, need help, and are letting the help, help.... thanks again

Your issue reminded me of when my children were young and caregivers got close to them. I was heart broken that I had to leave them to go to work. My dear sister in law told me to remember that I would always be their mother. That little thought has helped me so many times throughout the years. You will always be your mothers daughter and you have had a life time with her. Perhaps the caregiver was trying, unsuccessfully, to help you feel assured that your mom is ok there. Remember your loving memories, take good care of yourself now and first. You and your family will hopefully have a long life ahead and you need to be healthy for that. Your mom wouldn't want to be responsible for making you sick, even though right now her brain isn't letting her think clearly like that.

My heart goes out to you. Someone once said, we get what we think we deserve and I hope you think you deserve a nice, healthy life. I also want to help my mom through to her end, but I've been told to think about the possibility that I'm too controlling and that nothing anyone does for mom is good enough for me, or that I always think I can do it better. Sometimes it's best for others, for people like me to step back and let other good people do the work they were trained at and that they can do so well.

That's what I'm working on....trying to be less controlling and to let others do their jobs. I hope it helps to know I can relate to what you are feeling....

Always remember why she is there to begin with. After 8 years, it may be time to allow others to assist with her care. I have days when I battle with taking my mom home, but I stop and think about how miserable and confused she was at home. Give yourself credit for making good decisions. Think about how much better you will sleep at knowing that there are trained caregivers there to help her during her middle of the night episodes. God bless!

Here4her, I am so glad you got some rest! I think that, given the episodes your Mom had, the time has come for her to have 24 hour care in a facility. I know you gave her 24 hour care too, but you were not well rested for those hours, where at the facilty, she is being cared for in shifts, with staff who can objectively deal with Mom's issues. They dont get thier feelings hurt, for example, if she said something nasty, and that is good as it allows them to stay connected with her. You WANT them to get close to Mom. They will take better care of her, and know her in a way that will allow them to notice subtle changes that could be important in her health.

That is not to say you will not continue to be an important part of her care team. You can provide insight into Mom's past life, her particular history, and things that "work" for her. You can be an advocate for Mom, and speak to staff if you see something that is an issue, or would help. You can get involved with activities at the facility yourself, which might encourage Mom to do so as well. (tea parties, sing alongs, whatever).

I hate to say it, but if Mom has had mini strokes, and personality changes, she is not too likely to go back to being her former self. In fact, there could well be more crisis ahead. It might be much better to leave her in the facilty now, rather than bring her home, then the crisis hits, and you have to take her back again. Its so much better for them to stay in a place that they have become familiar with when they have a crisis.

My mom is doing really well these days, and some might say she could go back to a more independent life again, but I know that its only a matter of time before she will need more help again. And, it is entirely likely that she is doing as well as she is BECAUSE of the fact that she is happy and feels safe. And that has value, so she is staying there.

Here4her, you don't have to make a decision right away. The best decision you can make will be the one that is best for the entire family. I am sure that your husband and daughter will have some good input on this. The right way to go will probably become clear over the next few days. I know that you miss your mother and feel your bond is threatened, but if you decide to let her stay at the memory care unit, you can visit often. Whatever you decide to do, we are with you.

I'm home from respite and am wrestling with leaving mom in a bit longer or permanently.
Everyone is telling me how rested and less stressed I look. Husband, daughter and best friends are telling me to leave her there because the 8 years of care taking is killing me. Feeling guilty and undecided. Don't know if icango back to it. My health has declined so much.

Dear Here4her....you have not been replaced. Mother has simply bonded with her nurse and that is a very good thing. You want Mom to be comfortable and well cared for in your absence and that sounds to be the case.

Certainly wouldn't make for a good vacation if Mom was crying and all upset each time you called! I think it is perfectly normal to feel a bit of concern as close as you are to your Mother. None of us want to think we can be replaced. Everything will be fine once you get home. she may even pout a bit to make you fee guilty.

As far as socialization. If your Mother wasn't social before chances are she won't be now, even with the most interesting of activities available. My Mother is just like that. She is happy with her TV and family that visits. She never had close friends (always concerned they would want something from her).

So glad you were able to get away and enjoy some rest even with the bug.