I'm on respite.....and a new kind of heart break.

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I'm just finishing a 2 week respite. About a month before I left mom had a couple Mini strokes and it changed her personality. They put her on seraquel and she slept for two days then wigged out. I took her off. Then she entered a beautiful memory care unit. She had a few episodes. One time went into someone's bath and would not come out - a call to doc and a shot of haldol, this was in the middle of the night. Another night 3:00 am she boot under one of the s
Dining room tables and baracded herself, tried to pull fire alarm. Another shot of haldol. Now she is on a low dose of seroquel. I haves called often and yesterday the night nurse told me that she and my mom have bonded and they are new best friends. I'm jealous!! At the end before respite my mom would sometime call me an imposter - she has been living with me for 8 years. We have been joined at the hip our whole life. I want my mom back.
Husband, daughter and best friends are really insisting I leave her there. I'm sure she is zombie'd out and I don't know if I can do it in her new state. I wanted to be there for her until t
Her last day. She is not making any friends, just this one nurse. I had hoped she would join in all the activities. All she does is eat, lay down and lots of walking. Does not socialize. Should I leave her there or bring her home. Everyone is telling me my face is si less stressed looking. I can even tell it.
I want to be her best friend and now she replaced me in less than 2 weeks.
As soon as I got to Florida we caught a bug and were sick the first week.
Can anyone relate to my feelings?


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I agree...If I knew my mom would have someone she trusted and felt comfortable with in a nursing facility I would definitely be happy for her. It sounds like you did your best for the years you took care of her. I believe sometimes things happen for a reason. Maybe that reason was for you to take your life back and except that your mom will be okay with out you. It doesn't mean you cannot be a part of her life there. But if she is doing great. Hurray! God Bless.
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I visited mom yesterday. They said she had been asking for me, made me feel good. She is very sleepy and kept dozing. But she knew me and said I was her favorite daughter. A joke we have because I'm her only daughter. I told her she was my favorite mother. We chuckled. She is kind of zoombied out as far as not being outgoing or talkative. But she still has moments of outbursts where she gives my Dadhellfor leaving her. She thinks he divorced her but he actually committed suicide 28 years ago. A tragedy, because he was the most kind and gentle man i have known, well my husband is just like him, but mentally strong. My dad suffered child abuse and PTSD from 5 years in war and when his mom was dying he could not take stand shot himself in the shower and my mom found him they loved each other very much.
My husband told me I look10 years younger since the caregiving stress has lifted. I appreciate all your responses, it has readymade me feel I have friends out there who care enough to comment on my situation. I respectandpray for all of you. I hope can keep mom in there without the guilt making me drag her home. She said she likes her room there.
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((((((((((Here4her)))))))) how about changng that handle to "Here4me"? Maybe is it time to get rid of the voices. You know, the ones in your head that tell you you are not good enough, you are not doing enough, you are not caring enough, that what your mum says about you is right. the guilt , the worry... Logically - it doesn't do her any good, and it certainly doesn't do you any good. I can relate, and have, and still do to some extent, deal with these things still, but much less than I did. I have found that therapy helps, and supportive friends are invaluable. Dear one, it has been a big shock to see the changes in your mum, the decline that has brought about the change in your relationship. Try to remember that her brain is not the same, and that in her heart she still loves you, and that all those good times you had together with her still count. No one and no thing can take those away. Sometimes we are left with only memories, even when our loved one is still alive, Hang on to them, and look after yourself. Some of us don't even have those. If you feel you need counselling, perhaps find someone who understands grief. You will do the right thing, even if you mum responds differently than you hope. That is not in your control. Glad your IBS is better, and your face shows less stress. Keep going in that direction. Lover and (((((((((hugs)))))))))) Joan
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I'm going to see her today and assess
How she is on seroquel I've been home 4 days
And haven't had the nerve to go check, afraid of what
I'll find. Mu IBS has been better and stress level
Down. I pray I can do the right thing, I fear what
How she will treat me. Thank you all for the support
No one else understands the guilt and worry
Along with the other emotions we feel.
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I love all the supportive comments that have been made, Her4her even as you struggle with making a decision I think you already know what is best for you all. From personal experience since your Mom is familiar, comfortable and well taken care of, it would likely be best to let her stay there while you advocate for her and attend to her in a more social and loving way than direct care wear and tear on your own health and family happiness.
Be happy that Mom has taken to that Nurse and that you have someone else who "helps" you care for Mom. Mom loves you! Maybe this is her way of saying daughter live your life.
Best wishes to you and to a peaceful decision.
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Dear Cnsulliva, Your sense of how long this can go on, is precisely how I feel. My mom is up and down. Some times I think it might be the end, other times she is happy, healthy and strong. I too appreciate this site and your comments. Just saying we are in this together.... thank you for sharing!
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i feel for everyone who has posted and i understand and face some of the same issues. thank goodness for all who post on this site....it makes us feel so less alone in the decision making and day-to-day living.
i wonder too about my mother....she has lived with me for 3 years and so quickly became forgettful and has lost the past 3 years. she is 6 weeks in a NH and is physically better than most of the residents, and she is talkative and alert but has no long term (or past 10 minutes) of memory. at times she asks to leave and go stay with me (not remembering that she lived with me) and I do wonder if i could do it again. i teach and have a flexible schedule, and i live alone on a small farm so she would be isolated, but she made few friends while she was with me. she basically is obsessed with me and all she says she wants is to be with me. she has enough savings to last for about 3 years on private pay...but after that I hate the idea of the govt. (medicare) coming in and looking at how we have spent money for the past 5 years.....can they really quibble over the cost of a hot water heater, or small monetary gifts she made to me or to her sister or others? If she came back home it would probably require a sitter and i wonder if she really would be happier....i know the stress of caregiving and i admit that most times i did not like that life.....but how long can this go on? we all must make our own decisions based on our unique circumstances but it does help to see how others have navigated through this.
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Sweetie, you have to let "this" go. For "YOUR" health you want and need to have more people, even just one more person to be of a support to and for you mom and YOU!
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I agree with N1K2R3 and the others who suggest that your mum needs the care she is gettng in a facilty, and you and your family need time for yourselves. She will only need more care in the future, and you have done more than your part. You are grieving due to the changes. Having your mum out of your home is a big step after 8 years. But for some there comes a time, and it looks like this is it for you, and your family.You will still have lots to do visitng her. Please let go of the guilt - it comes along with the caregiving, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have done a wonderful job with your mum and still are doing it, only in a different way. You will always be her daughter and have a speciakl place in her heart, even if she is not able ti express that well now. Your "old" mum is gone. Yes you want her back, but she is gone now. Give yourself time to adjust to this new normal, pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and continue to be that loving daughter to your mum where she is. She needs the extra care she is getting there. Many hugs and let us know how your both are doing,
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Hello Here4her! I suggest that you leave your mother there, where she is comfortable and bonding with the staff nurses.
You may not be able to handle the episodes that required Haldol ( a very powerful anti-psychotic drug). Visit frequently and enjoy her company. The time has come, my dear.
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