Dealing with Guilt! I am ashamed to say sometimes I just wish she wouldn't wake up.

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Mom has so many things wrong. Depends, tremors, crying, depression, pain, weakness, and on and on. The doctors can't seem to pinpoint anything, SO medicate, medicate, medicate. Medicate what exactly? This is killing my dad. They are in another state which makes it even harder. My brother has moved in and it is killing him too. My sister and I take turns flying backs and forth. Dad promised mom he wouldn't put her in a nursing home, which is exactly where she should be. I just want all of this to stop before it kills mom or dad or both. I am ashamed to say sometimes I just wish she wouldn't wake up. I hope God forvices me for that.


Hi there Sandy and yes He will.
You would not be the first nor will you be the last caregiver to have that thought.
Family caregiving is the single most hardest thing that there is to do and I know what I'm talking about.
You have made the first and greatest decision to reach out and connect with the caregivers on this site to get the support you, your sister, dad and brother need.

We make promises to not place someone and then when the burden begins to be life threatening to the caregivers, we struggle to keep that promise.

Break the promise. Start by seeking information on facilities that advertise on this site. Just click through the ad and fill out the info and begin the process of figuring out what the solution is.

I took care of my mom who had Dementia and it almost killed me. I would never do it again. I have been posting on this site sonce Oct 09 and I wish this site had been around when I started caregiving for her in Sept of 04. There are so many things I would not have done, and by not knowing any better I sacrificed my health, both physical and mental, to the care of my beautiful mother when she could have been in a nice facility and I could have still been her daughter instead of her nurse.

You will find a huge crew of experienced caregivers here and the old... I promised not to put her in a home... routine doesn't wash anymore. The Statistics are out and this kind of caregiving can indeed kill you. My poor mom died almost a year ago and I am still not right. I lost my job, my insurance, benefits and will have almost no SS. not only did I sacrifice my health, but my future as well. This is insane.

We all understand that you all love your mother beyond everything, but these days we last longer than we should and when the body and mind begin to go, they keep us alive only to kill the healthy ones who care of us with stress. when my time comes I want to make sure that I am already in a facility while I can make that decision because I would NEVER do this to anyone else.

I wish you luck and please let me know what you think.

This is my first time here. Thank you for your kind words. They make all the sense in the world to me, but convincing dad probably won't happen. I'm going to tell broth and sis about this site and hope they will use it. I think it will help me.
thanks Sandy.
the site will help you. It saved my life and that is truth.
If you 3 kids can gently persuade your dad that this is the way he may change. he is in a different place than you 3 are. That's his love that he is taking care of. he remembers her as a girl.
Let your sibs know about the website and they can get more information in order to either make the decisions or to just Vent.

Venting can save your bacon because as I am sure you are beginning to find out, your friends and extended family have no idea what this is about and their eyes probably glaze over when you try to express yourself. They will also try and make you feel guilty with their opinions if your opinions don't match theirs. they might not mean to but it can still happen and it's unnecessary. you have enough to deal with.

Everybody's experience is different and all you can do is handle your own business your own way. if you know that this isn't working then it isn't. Nothing anyone can say or do will change that.

You have my love and respect and I hope to see you poking around the site to not only keep yourself sane but to find the answers so you can help your dad make a decision.

try A Place for Mom. I used them to find facilities in my area and the procedure is that you call ahead and arrange for a visit. you can go alone to check it out. sometimes you even get lunch!!

Look around and after you've visited a few, you will begin to see what you would like for yourself and you can go from there. this is not easy but the next time you fly out, have a few appts set up and go. If you can get your dad to go with you, all the mo' better. your brother will be on board because he's probably ready to shoot himself.

I put my mom is respite so I didn't drop dead, my BP was 160 something over 124 (normally 110 over 70), and it was a great place with a 3 to 1 ratio of caregivers to patients. She was there for 10 weeks and then we came back to her house and she was able to die in her own bed. She died of end stage Dementia and no matter what I did, she was still going to die. There was no reason that I should die too. all of these dramatic measures and a potential stroke for what? Another month?

In the almost year since my mom died, my bp is back down to 110 over 80.

Sandy, remember that our thoughts are not who we are. It is absolutely normal to feel the way you do especially after a long period of stress coupled with the frustration of not knowing what to do for someone.
Bobbie has such good advice above. Do not be afraid of looking for alternative housing. Your Mom will get the care she needs and you all can continue being the supportive family that you are. Look into assisted living facilities many have a "tiered" approach to care. Their goal is to keep residents as active and indepent as possible before they need to transition to an NH services.
good luck...I think things will get better once you have had a chance to talk to the other sibs and make a concrete plan.
After being married 60 something years my dad would rather litterally die trying than break his promise to put mom in a NH. What scares me is I think he will. It's a beautiful love story, but I fear a tragic ending.

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