Help!! My Dad won't put my Mom in a Nursing Home

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Just for those of you who responded to my earlier post about my mother and I not getting along, Thank You!! I couldn't figure out how to answer everyone. Just an update before I ask the new question. Things are going much better now that she realizes that my Dad can't take care of her on his own. And yes I am still sober!!

Ok, she has now lost almost all of her strength and we are really struggling with mobility and bathroom. We have a sit to stand cart which it now takes 2 people to get her into. She is a big lady (5'2", 270 lbs). She has really "outgrown" the cart. Physical therapy today suggested a hoyer lift, but with my understanding we would have to lay her down on the bed and take her pants up and down everytime we needed to take her to the commode. She is not sitting back on her commode because the cart is rubbing on her legs and it is uncomfortable. It is impossible for us to dress and undress her in bed due to her immobility (she cant even scoot or roll over) and size. I am desperate for how to deal with this. I have accepted the fact that she really needs to be placed in a nursing home. My Dad has prostate cancer and works part-time for a funeral home (by choice -- it gives him a break). This is wearing him out and I am concerned about him. He came home from a funeral this morning and I explained to him that the physical therapist thought that the only solution was to hire Full-Time help or a nursing home. He just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. About 20 minutes later he came out and just started sobbing saying he couldn't put her in a nursing home and that we would find a solution. He made her a promise that he would never put her in a nursing home. My questions are: 1. Do I try to make my Dad realize that this is what is best for her and for
him? 2. Does anyone know of any other transfer system that may be helpful?

Thank you in advance for reading ( I know I rambled) and responding. I don't have any other resources but this post and no one to talk to.


Give your dad a little time to mourn this awful situation he is in. I'm glad he could cry. This is really, really sad.

Do you think that you might be able to help your dad rethink that promise he made? Promising to never consider a certain solution when the problems are not yet known often backfires. He meant well. But now he has to do well.

In my mind, that promise is like saying, "I'll never let you be in a wheelchair!" and then having the person develop Parkinsons, or saying "I'll always take care of you so you'll never need insulin" and then having the diabetes progress to where insulin is the only viable solution.

Promising in advance what solutions you will or won't consider ties your hands later. Probably what your father MEANT was "I'll always see that you have the very best care you can have, and I will personally provide that care as long as I can." He can honor the spirit of his promise, even if the best care now is in a skilled nursing facility.

Is there a nonfamily member your father respects who might help him reconsider the promise in the light of what has developed? A minister? His lawyer? A golfing buddy? His boss? His doctor? Sometimes hearing it from an outsider might help.

Explain to your father that his job will far from be over if Mom goes to a nursing home. It will just change. He can be with her as much of the day as he is now. He will advocate for her and make sure she is getting great care. Without having to do the extremely demanding physical care activities he can go back to being her loving husband, and not her wornout caregiver.

My answer to question #1 is yes, try to help him see that the best way to honor his vows to her is to ensure she has the best care available.

I hope someone else has answers for #2.
Thank you so much. I don't think there is any changing his mind at this point. She fell 2-3 years ago and broke her leg and had to go to a nursing home for 3 months. That is when he made the promise. I understand that times have changed. I beginning to wonder if it's me who's more burnt out than him. I have lived them for approximately 6 months. I am 45 years old and single. I have no life, other than some charity work I do, outside this home. And now that it takes 2 people to take care of her. We put her in bed at night, but because she can't turn or even scoot she gets uncomfortable and she wants to go out to her chair in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, I want to be here. I also don't want her to go to a nursing home. Maybe we can visit the idea of hiring some outside help to give us a break. I will keep you informed.
I wish the best for all three of you!
Thank you jeanne!!

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