My dad is only 55 but acts like he is 85 and wont help himself.

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Hello im 20 years old and im starting to hate my dad more and more as every day goes by, i am not spoilt at all, my dad never took care of me properly, always shouted because i was never good enough yet my lazy brother got everything he wanted, my dad has a girlfriend who was more than half his age and she was awful to me and it got so bad that i moved out at 16 and got a job and my own home, without any help from benefit systems, now my problem is that my dad has never worked properly, always squanded his money on alcohol and rubbish and he doesnt pay tax or national insurance and never has payed it, he is very demanding on me and expects me to sort all his mess out, but im worried about what is gonna happen when he gets older because he wont have any pension just a load of debt and he expects me to take care of him but after everything he has done to me i dont think i will have it in me to take care of him, pay all his debts and buy him everything he needs but on the other hand i wont be able to stand by and watch him starve.


lost, it is a bad situation when you watch someone make poor choices. There are safety nets in place, so you will not have to be responsible on down the road. When it comes time you can look into the options available for your father. You can provide for his care by seeing that he is cared for in a suitable environment. This doesn't mean you have to provide hands-on care or financial support. What I hope is that he'll see the light between now and when he gets old so that he will be better able to arrange things for himself. Until then, try not to worry. There are programs in place to help.
As for now, you should stop being an enabler and let him face the consequences of his actions. So don't fix his messes. If alcohol is part of his problem, you should consider joining an Al-Anon group for help with setting your boundaries, i.e. the behavior/treatment that you will and won't accept. At 55, it's not too late for your father to stepup/growup and take responsibility, but you probably need some support to step away. Al-Anon could be that support for you. If there is not one in your town, there is probably a webstie with helpful info. Good luck! You have a window of opportunity - grab it!
Move far, far away and change your phone number. No forwarding address and start over. You owe this guy nothing. He is a bum and will probably always be a bum. You deserve a life, especially doing what you have done for yourself so far. I wish you well, get all of the help for yourself that you can. Make a life for yourself and stay away from him. He is most likely never going to change and if he does, let him initiate a relationship with you. And he must be on his very best behavior at all times.He must earn the right to be in your life, not the other way around. You sound as if you are a very strong young woman. Someone, someday will value you but be sure to value yourself as well.

You owe him nothing.
I totally agree with tooyoung - Don't be an enabler! No one can take advantage of you without you allowing it. So stop allowing it. He is an adult, and just because he didn't/won't make good choices, doesn't mean it's your problem to fix. As long as you keep bailing him out, he'll keep coming to you expecting more help. Go to AA and get some advice and support. It can give you great insight as to what you're dealing with and sure can't hurt. Good luck!
You've gotten good advice. He sounds like a narcissistic man, bordering on abusive - at least emotionally. DO NOT STAND FOR IT. You have your own life to live - worrying about what "might" happen to him years down the road is only putting up a roadblock in the path of YOUR life. Let him reap the consequences of his bad choices and behaviors - they are NOT your fault and they are NOT your problem. He will find someone to manipulate into helping him down the road - those types always do - just don't let it be you.
Notice how consistent the first six answers are? That is because they are all right!

Dad's poor choices are not your problem. You will not have to watch him starve. Our society has safety nets for people like him -- and for your benefit, to make sure that his bad decisions are not solely your problem (you did nothing to deserve the entire burden.)

You need to disengage from the situation. As others have said, stop enabling him. You don't mean to contribute to his poor behavior, but that is the effect of you bailing him out of his messes.

Your profile says you are taking care of your grandmother. Does this prevent you from moving out of the area? Is Grandmother paying you? Do you have another job? If you provide some additional information perhaps we can give you some specific help. But I think the advice you've gotten so far is spot-on.
Somehow, you have become a responsible and thoughtful person. You can take a little pride in that, especially since Dad was only a model of how NOT to do it! Serioulsy, go to Al-Anon and get support and a sounding board on what you can and can't do to help someone who is an addict and not at all in recovery. I have just watched a dear friend lose her husband to alcohol and substance abuse that finally caught up with him, then accelerated after he decided to leave her and pursue his addictions full time with other people as sick as he was...What I am saying between the lines here, is that Dad may not make it to 85 or even 70 if his ways do not change, so you may not have to worry about his old age at all. In the meantime, there is inevitable pain and grief inflicted on you and anyone else who loves him, which of course is not fair, but we are each for better or worse given the capacity to help or to harm others by what we do with our own lives (and often don't realize what kind of an impact we have - you have probably heard more than once something to the effect of "its my life and I will do as I please with it, get off my back", right?)

Sorry to be so blunt, but there is only so much you can do. Keep yourself or get yourself off of any joint financial entanglements with Dad and you should not have to ever be responsible for his debts...some states are trying to make children responsible for care arrangements, you may want to look at the legalities on that where you live.
Thankyou all for your help, i dont think he is a alcohoic he does out to the pub about 4 days a week but then whines about the fact he has no money, he is the most selfish person i have ever met, yesterday a friend of mine died and all he said is oh why are you so moody now, get over i need a bill writing, i live next door to him and there is no escaping until i can find a full time job because the rent here is only 80 pounds a week including bills which is very good in this day and age, i do stay put because i am close to my nan and no she doesnt pay me, my mum is her main carer and i just help out to give my mum a break (my parents are divorved and havnt spoken in 15 years) i just feel i will never be free, he comes round about 5 times a day and bangs on the door until i answer, if i dont answer he will just ring and ring and ring my phone until i answer, he calls my house his office, i feel like im just his property, recently i injured my back so i had to stay in bed and he kept knocking on the door shouting at me calling me lazy and that im sat on my fat arse cos i was unwell, yet its ok for him to lay in bed till 4pm cos he has a hangover. im lost and i dont think i will ever escape.
Lost, would you put up with that crap from anyone else? I hate to say it, but your father is behaving like a stalker. I understand that you feel "trapped" having to live where you are due to your finances, but you DO NOT have to put up with the continuous harrassment from your father. You really do need to draw a line in the sand and make it clear he is not welcome at your home unless you invite him over. Let him stand there and knock on your door until his knuckles are bloody - eventually he'll give up - better yet, maybe a neighbor or two will call the police on him! He's going to drive you into the mental ward if you don't learn to stand up for yourself - you do NOT deserve to be treated this way!
i know what you meen but he has violent tendencies so i get scared that he will get violent, its such a hard situation because the house i have is mine but he owns the land it is on so if i "step out of line" in his mind he threatens to kick me out and then i duno what i would do,i just cross my fingers that a full time job will appear i can afford a new place.thankyou all

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