My dad is only 55 but acts like he is 85 and wont help himself.

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Hello im 20 years old and im starting to hate my dad more and more as every day goes by, i am not spoilt at all, my dad never took care of me properly, always shouted because i was never good enough yet my lazy brother got everything he wanted, my dad has a girlfriend who was more than half his age and she was awful to me and it got so bad that i moved out at 16 and got a job and my own home, without any help from benefit systems, now my problem is that my dad has never worked properly, always squanded his money on alcohol and rubbish and he doesnt pay tax or national insurance and never has payed it, he is very demanding on me and expects me to sort all his mess out, but im worried about what is gonna happen when he gets older because he wont have any pension just a load of debt and he expects me to take care of him but after everything he has done to me i dont think i will have it in me to take care of him, pay all his debts and buy him everything he needs but on the other hand i wont be able to stand by and watch him starve.

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Are you serious? He doesn't have the balls to kick you off the land. You are young and inexperienced. In 5 years you wouldn't be like this. You would be mature. So act like you are 25 and NOT a little girl. Stop sticking up for him! would be a good beginning.
Go volunteer somewhere so you aren't conveniently home (may lead to a job)
He is a Narc and you are codependent which means you do whatever, take what he dishes out and he is bashing your self-worth.
55 is young. He acts stupidly because you let him.
Shoot, I am 59 and expect I will live till I'm 100. I ride horses, hike, climb, shoot guns, play with the kids. Go to church and teach Sunday School etc. This 'father' is a blood sucking leach. Is his entire family like this? Talk to one of your aunts or uncles if you have any for support. Your mother was wise in getting rid of him.
Stop letting him behave this way. You need some 'balls' as my 24 year old daughter would say.
Take action and not a 'try' (whine whine) Do it! Do it! Do it!
I live with a NARC. I am learning to not be codependent. If I can do it, you can too.
So go Do it! :D
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55 is still young meaning that your dad is young enough to care for himself. As soon as you can move out, MOVE and do not look back. He has done enough harm to you and he does not deserve your caring. All the best to you.
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I won't bother reading what everyone else has written. I will STRONGLY STRONGLY ADVISE moving across country before the time comes that your father attempts to suck the life and money out of you. You owe him NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL. Move far away and do not be found by any member of your family who might coerce you into coming back to care for him!!!

People like your father are life suckers. They are toxic. They are users. The other hope you have of ever having a wonderful life of your own is to disappear!

It took me until age 52 to kick my mother out of my life, do not be me!
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Seriously, you MUST find another place to live. Sell the house!
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He's just 55 (only a year older than me and 4 years younger than my husband who works full time). He's not sick, he hasn't got any crippling ailment nor does he have dementia. I would tell him he has to go to work and sort it out himself. He must grow up now so he'll have a pension later. He won't starve. If he gets hungry enough, he'll go to a feeding program to eat or he'll get a job or some benefits. Steer clear of him for now- a little tough love is what he needs. Can you move? If you can, move, don't give him the address or phone number. He has to grow up and there is no reason for you to be supporting him or treating him like he's an old sick man.
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Lost123, since you say pub, nan and mum, you must be in England or Ireland. Surely there are legal rights for someone, who "owns" the house and pays rent (for the land?). Here in the US it wouldn't matter if you are related, in that type of situation you would have tenant rights. One right being that landlords can't harass or threaten their tenants. If you are not familar with your rights, check to see if there is a free legal clinic or an attorney (barrister), who would do a low cost consultation. Here we would call the American Bar Association for a that kind of referral. If he gets violent, call the cops, because again, it should not matter that he is your father.
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I agree with ferris1, but I would add : get your education, develop yourself so that IF and when you get married, you may have a better chance at life. Become the smartest, strongest person you can be on your own. It is important if you want to attract a different quality of person you may end up with. My cynical realism. :) xo
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Lost123, congratulations for having made it through your teens without CPS help. You are not responsible for your father. If he has been a long-time drunk, he probably won't make it to his 80's, so all your worrying is for not. Why do you want to help someone who mistreated you? If a father had a girlfriend and she mistreated a child, as a case mgr. with CPS, I would have either had the dad not have the girlfriend in the house or move the child to a safer home. You do not deserve to continue to be abused. So live your life to the fullest, get married, have your own family, and vow never to mistreat your family. That is the best you can do. Your father is on his own...
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I know the rent seems to be right, but is it worth having your father abuse his parental relationship in this way? Find a room to rent on the other side of town or find a room mate to share the rent on something bigger. If you have someone else in the household and your father had to travel farther, perhaps your father wouldn't feel so free to lay on the abuse. If he becomes violent and strikes you or damages property, call the authorities just like he was a stranger.

And everyone else is correct. His problems are not yours. He created them; he should deal with them. Find free counseling somewhere, either at an Al-Anon meeting or a church. You need to feel needed and wanted, not enslaved.
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I too know what you are going through. My elderly mother did some horrible things to me when I was young and she continued as I got older, showed favoritism to both my sister and brother; sis tried to steal all of her money while talking her into building a new home on their property. This house ended up being HUGE! and Mom had no say into any of that yet she paid (SIS & BIL did this) then... they told her they were moving to another state, she was going with them. She did not want to, they told her she would have to find another place to live... her home - built on their property, they never turned the title to the home over to her so she had no choice but to get out. when she did find a new place to live, they gave her two weeks to get out...! Then there is my brother who said he didn't care who took care of her as long as he didn't have to... even when he found out sis was stealing her money. So that left me... to pick up the slack and care for mom.
I am doing this because I really prayed and God gave me a specific command which I cannot ignore! so I am her caregiver... and I am told by so many that I am doing an outstanding job! I am very glad to hear that because it was difficult since I had to get over all the hurt she caused me growning up. Forgiveness... it is more for us than the person we are forgiving. I have read studies that say unforgiveness causes illness!
Mom was the master of manipulation but once I caught on to her tactics I was able to do end runs around her. That made her a little mad but she soon got over it. I got the local Elder Services to do for her, along with one of the relatives to help out with doing her groceries. I even ran up against opposition from my own daughter because of that when actually, it was none of her business.
I guess what I want to say, is decide what your boundaries need to be, set them and do not deviate from them If he tries to manipulate, learn the signs of his manipulation... they are there, figure out a way around and beat him at his own game. Don't stand for his abuse... that is what it is! Elders do abuse their caregivers... there is a lot of those cases on this website.
Having a tender heart is a tough thing to live with sometimes, but... I can see the value of it here. If it was not for this I would not be able to care for Mom, I would be very resentful and I am not. I just told myself she is not mentally stable, has some warped views of life and I have learned to deal with it.
Just an FYI, my dad was an abuser in another way... but I had to forgive him as well, and I did this by telling myself over and over again, he is a very VERY sick man. there is a family history that plays into this and I have chalked it up to that. I have shared more than I ever have here... but you do what your heart is telling you to do, but set YOUR boundaries, let him know firmly what they are, and stick to your decisions.
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