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My dad has been in a nursing home since August 2012. He was very independent before this and he is getting angrier and angrier every day he is there. I have picked him up every Saturday since he has been in and taken him to stores, the bank, drives, etc. Today he called me and I told him I am very sick, maybe need to wait until Monday to do errands. He became belligerent, cursing at me, saying how I am putting him out. He is very ungrateful for the things I do. I pay for all of his "toiletries, personal items, clothes, etc" as he has no money, no saving, no life insurance, nothing - I had to let his life insurance go because he was paying $157 a month on it still - term life - and I could not pay it. He is on total Medicaid there. They give him his $30 a month that Medicaid leaves for him - he does not give it to me - that is okay though. I told him I would pay for all his personal items and he knows this. I just feel he is very ungrateful. When I take him on outings on Saturdays, he criticizes everything I do, curses, very negative, and to top it all off he can barely get in and out of the car - his legs dont work too well. Im afraid he is going to fall and I have to call 911. Well, he has other issues but I cant go into those right now. Do I still get him every Saturday even though he treats me so terribly and I am fearful of his falling (he does us a walker) or do I stop all of this - tell him I will bring what he needs only and visit him - not take him to the store anymore. I am very torn about this. Please give me your advice. I need help please. Judy

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Hi jworks,
I am a very similar position. I have an angry dad in a NH (one year now), and a not-so independent, self-medicating Mom who lives down the road. We moved them to near in my town so I could care for them but all I did was move all the dysfunction closer. I do my dad's laundry and visit him and he is nasty. Also on Medicaid. Sometimes I know he knows how much I have sacrificed and some days he is the nastiest SOB u ever met. I stopped taking him out because he can't walk anymore. Thanksgiving was his last trip out and my husband and I carried the wheelchair up the stairs to my house. He had a good day but enough is enough. And I know you will get to this point soon, just not yet. Do what you can, but in the end, he is in a place where he is safe and cared for. Write me back if you want to chat more about it.

xo
-SS
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He did call to apologize to me, so will probably try to get him on Monday to take him places. What else does he have, right?? So true.
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Jessie I would tend to agree somewhat with you but I cannot physically lift him in and out of the car - very trying on my back and I have to work for a living (I have a full time job) - so I keep thinking I need to not take him out anymore. I will consider what you are saying though - thank you.
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I would say to continue to do what you are doing as long as you can. Your father is suffering from tremendous loss of his old life and can probably see little outside his own suffering. Sacrifices that you are making are probably not registering with him. I wish it could be easier. There will soon come a day when he is not able to get out on Saturday, and you'll probably miss these times that you can. I would say to stand back from what he is saying to you and know that he is angry about losing the things he enjoyed in life. And if you have to call 911 if he falls, it is okay... as long as he isn't hurt when he falls. I got intimately acquainted with 911 in the past year and am so thankful for them.
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