My dad was abusive to my mom and us kids growing up. He still scares me.

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As a kid he was cruel with his words and hands. Even now, he is old, and sometimes I see that rage in his eyes again. my husband and I are still young (40) we had our children young, and have 4 grandchildren.It was their room we gave to him. We adore these babies and used to have them over as often as possible. Now Im afraid of what he might do to one of them, so they almost never come now, and if they do I try to keep them away from him. He talks to them the way he did to us. he says mean things and tries to correct them even when its not apropriate. he says hes teaching them right, however I dont see how sternly telling a 18 mo old child that they need to color it the lines is teaching. Its mean. and shes a baby, just learning fine motor skills. I dont want her to be afraid to come to Nana and Papas house. But more than that I dont want any of them to have that fear I had as a child. I cant point this out because the past he remembers does'nt include the terrorizing of his family. when I tried to tell him he would not be allowed to bully my family he told my husband " shes crazy, I never mistreated my family, its all bullshit" So not only was he mean he lies about it. Not that i want to say "look here this is what you did" The past is gone. I just want my babies to feel safe, I want to feel as though they're safe. Im afraid as his dementia progresses this will worsen. I worked in a nursing home when I was younger. A fancy one for people with private pay, and the day i walked off my job I told my boss I would not put my dog in a nursing home. But I may have to put my father there. The guilt is terrible heavy. But I love them more.


You can put your father in an NH or Assisted Living if he can still take care of himself. Then, you can be his advocate - visit regularly to ensure that he's being treated right. You've worked in an NH before, so you know what to look for when you visit your father.

Just to give you an idea, mom had early onset of dementia/Alzheimer in her early 50's. When I was age 23, I stayed to help father with her. That was 24 years ago. Mom has been bedridden for about 13 years. She has finally passed away this past March.

You and hubby are in your 40s. Who knows how long your father will live - and you putting up with his abusive actions for years and years. I think you can assuage your guilt if you visit regularly if your father ends up in either AL or NH. It's a difficult situation and it will be based on what you can live with or prepared to give up. If you like, why don't you hop around this site and learn what people have done or put up with their parents living with them. If you think you and hubby can handle that, then, so be it. If you don't think you can handle that year after year, then, so be it.

My mom also has dementia, been caring for her now 7 years , she lives with me and it get worse everyday, when it is to much walk out and breathe or cry, it helps releive my stress and i assure her it is just the diease and not her and i totally understand and that i love her more than anyone in the world and she will be with me till she goes to be with our Lord, will keep you in my prayers
book idea is good if you can afford assisted living, I can't
Me, too. That's why I put up with father all these years while helping him with mom. He verbally and physically abused us. Mom did not have a broken nose when she became bedridden. One day, I noticed that her nose is crooked. She gets black eyes once in a while. He likes hitting me in the head...always worried what I would way say to people when I go to work with a black face...that i fell off the stairs (one story house) or walked into the door? Anyway...father's in the hospital, and he was going to punch the nurse changing his pamper. She stopped and called a male nurse. I have texted to my 6 siblings for help and of father's physical abuse...didn't matter....better it was me than them...And that's why I was trying to get normanthecow what's it like to have someone like that in your home. If she hops around, she will see that he is NOT going to change. He is going to get worse. If he's verbally abusive now, he's going to get worse. He's going to Assume that HE is the head of the household and not her husband. Why? Because he is the Father, and they should listen to him.

If she hops around, she will see how others dealt with this. No money for AL? Then try Medicaid. Sell his home/property to help cover his expenses, etc...

Sigh...with father in the hospital, I'm enjoying this house without worrying about feeding and changing his pampers. No verbal abuses. Wow! I'm sooooo enjoying my temporary freedom. Enjoying it as much as I can!!!!
Oops..I keep forgetting to talk about mom in the past tense.
Oh, I am so sorry for you. There are many things you need to understand about your father. One is he will never change and could become worse with age. He sounds like my father. Harsh, critical, yelled at us, fought with mom over nothing. Just always hard to get along with. These types usually have a lot of anger and tend to be narcissistic. My father was, as is my mother. They complimented each other.

Don't subject your children to this behavior. End it with you. I had a wake up call when my father died 6 years ago. I was not sad, did not really care. We had had little to no relationship and in the end it was apparent.

Denying his behavior is classic narcissistic behavior. Don't think you will change him but also don't doubt yourself. They never will take responsibility for their behavior, it is all your fault. I wish I had a nickel for every time my father said I was crazy. I would be rich.

Don't leave your kids with him. If you can see his bad behavior imagine what he is doing you can't see.

Take care.
My mother was verbally abusive with me growing up (only physically abusive once)...she lived with me for about six months ten years ago and I found she didn't view me as a seperate person, she gave away my belongings to other siblings, telling me "You didn't need it!" or "You never used it!".

I finally confronted her, then cut communication for about a year. I don't know about the stealing but her demeanor towards me is completely different. I think she realized that I was serious about not listening to the abuse anymore...we have a good (not great) relationship now and she never crosses the line anymore. It helps me that her memory is going pretty fast and she remembers less and less every day. It's hard to hold a grudge or bitterness toward a woman that is truly clueless about what happened. (and no, we've not discussed me specifically but she can't remember where she used to live or the stores she used to shop in..)

I guess my point is this: at some point you have to put your foot down. It's HARD, I know it is...but you have to. For your own sake, not just for your kids..and ulimately for HIS sake...because he doesn't want to be in a NH anymore than you want to put him there.

but if you DO have to, remember this: it isn't your decision, really. He is making the choice: he can live by house rules at your home or he can live by house rules at the NH. And trust me, they won't let him hit ANYONE there either
Most of us are such good-hearted people that we will put up with anything, for awhile, and almost anything, forever. Normanthecow, get your father out of your home. He had no right to abuse you when you were a child. He has no right to abuse you and yours now. Obviously your journey is not his journey. It is my understanding that in my state, the next time my mother is hospitalized, she will stay three days, move to rehab for ten days, I think, then to skilled nursing facility (nursing home). The facility will keep her there no charge until medicaid kicks in, then the money they get back from when she first entered the facility will be applied to her debt. After that, the facility gets all but $30.00 monthly of her social security check. The local nursing homes have people who do the paperwork for you. You can go check on him once a day, different times of the days. If he is pleasant, stay and visit. When not, say bye-bye, see you tomorrow. The mean have been mean all their lives and they will be mean on the day they die. They will make every attempt to suck the life out of you. The mean are the true vampires in our world. I have abided by "Honor thy father and thy mother." Dad is dead for many years, took care of mom to my own and my family's detriment. No more. I honor her by making sure she has a roof over her head in a safe environment, food to eat, clothing, medical needs met, and company of others if she will take advantage of it. I visit her five days per week. If she nice, I stay. If not, I take care of whatever needs and I leave. She has helpers twice weekly. But when she can't live semi-independently, she goes to a nursing home. Period.
Thank you all for your kind advice it is truly appreciated. As for AL that's where he came from, in March I received a call from the ER nurse at 2am letting me know he had been found, naked(again) wandering around. Confused and disoriented he was unable to remember much. He did have on his medic alert necklace, besides dementia he had HBP and uncontrolled diabetes. He was able to leave his AL facility on several occasions with out any one stopping him even though he was naked, he was able to walk down the hall, take the elevator down 5 floors stroll past the office and security and walk right onto a busy Chicago street. At the hospital the Dr said he would not release him unless he was going to have full time care or he would go to a state nursing home. He was eating whatever he wanted, drinking, and only taking his meds occasionally. My husband says hes just an old man and he has pity on him. I however have none. I know that sounds terrible and I feel bad about it. he says he has dementia, the thing is he never, never behaves this way toward my husband. He came from a culture where the man was king and the women and children were property. I know I cant change his behavior I couldn't even try. Ive had to start taking antidepressants. Hes like a black hole that sucks the happy from everything. I really am trying to handle this but Im losing it. Im afraid I will become bitter, just like him.
Btw, normanthecow, my mom qualified for low income senior housing which includes utilities and leaves her grocery money and money to pay for her helpers a few hours per week and her groceries. I felt so hopeless for so long that I didn't try to get any help with her; thought this is just the way it is and that I had to bear the entire burden. WRONG! There is assistance out there! Look for it, today!

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