My crazy life as a caregiver.

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Where do I begin? I could talk all day about this subject. I'm taking care of my 89 year old mother and it's a life changing event. It drains the very last ounce of sanity from you. It's not the daily "duties" that really bother me, it's all the complaining she does about her illnesses/constipation. All she wants to do is stay in bed. Hearing this complaining every day breaks a persons spirit and depresses the caregiver. I have three sisters that offer no help. I had to quit my job over this....thankfully I was financially able to. I like to travel and go places, but that never happens now. My 24/7 "job" is being a caregiver. Have any of you in the same position ever asked yourself....."why did this have to happen to me"? I have lived with my mother all my life, I'm 54 now and have never married. I guess our family could be called dysfunctional. My father died when I was 15 and it was my "duty" to take that role. Yes, I know that sounds crazy, but that's the "hand I've been dealt". There are many other divorced or widowed women whose children went to college and married then moved away, but not me. It's like I had to be there for my mother. It's almost like I had to give up my that she could have a life. If all families were as abnormal as my situation then no one would get married. They would stay at home with their mother and care for her and not have a life of their own. Doesn't that sound crazy? Yes it is crazy, but that's my life. I know of another lady in my town whose husband passed away. She's 80 now. All of her kid's live out of town and have professional jobs and families. None of them ended their future and stayed at home with their mother. They "lived" their own life. I'm in a very bizarre situation here. People that never went through this would be stunned at the caregiver role. I don't wish this on anyone. It drains you and literally brings you to your knees. A caregiver can get sick very easily with all the stress in their life. Wouldn't it be great to stay young always and never have to deal with the heartache of seeing your parents grow very old and then they die. What a heartbreaking life we all live. There is nothing so great as having healthy parents who live long lives because when you get into a situation like you can see, it's terrible. Life is cruel!


Why haven't you place your mom in AL or NH? Is it finances or guilt? If it is guilt it is misplaced. These places have shifts of people, SHIFTS, of pople to do this because it isn't rational for ONE person to do this 24/7 unless you are trying to commit suicide.60% of caregivers die before the one they are taking care of. You are going to have to be proactive and get out of this 24/7 situation. If you don't take care of yourself and something happens to you what will happen to your mom? What is your plan B? OH and the complaining, get used to it because guess what, nothing you do will ever be enough or good enough so quit trying to be perfect , it is unrealistic.Don't be driven by guilt.
I understand your situation as well. I am and only child with my 89 yr old mother living in my home. Although I am married (27 years) and have adult children, I have always had to be available for my mother. Newsflash! My dad is still alive. He just decided that once mom was no longer capable of song all the domestic duties, she was of no use to him. She was hospitalized three times in one year. Each time they found nothing wrong. I finally had to remove my mom from her home with my dad. Now I have her with me and still need to keep an eye on him since he has no clue how to do any cooking, cleaning etc.
I still work full time and have a caregiver who comes to my house several hours each day.
I understand if you choose not to put your mom in a home, but it's certainly a way to keep your sanity and as previous posters have said, many caregivers die before the person they are caring for. I have a support group and I'm on the edge. I can't imagine what you're going through. Take care.
Just like the book....."When Our Parents Become Our Children".
MY mother doesn't realize what i go through each day. She gets very angry when I complain.....I say "how many other people do what I do.....they stay at home with their mother......stuck in the house".......her answer always is the same....she'll say "you don't know what they do" if what I do is normal.....and every other family just drop's their life to take care of an elderly parent. When I complain......she thinks I'm betraying her. I'm just getting exhausted from doing this day in and day out. All I hear about all day long is about her aches and's depressing. There is no happiness in this's depressing. I hate for her to hear me talking about it, but it's the truth. She should be grateful that I'm here to do what I do......but I'm not's like I'm expected to do what I do with her care. No one....would be able to endure what I's crazy.
Roscoe, it does sound like you need to get control of the situation. There was a conversation about this the other day. There are NO OPTIONS ... she has no choice when it comes to you treating yourself and doing good for you. NONE! You either do something to fix your burn out and depression or else, like I told my mother yesterday, we become too sick to care for them and a NH is their only option. So, with that said, you tell mom it's this way or the highway!
Anything new to report? We have heard this story many times, and give you advice you ignore. YOU are the only one that can change your situation. Just sayin......
Put her in AL and get on with YOUR life. Let her complain to them all day. As long as her needs are taken care of, that's all you can do. Just think of it this way....What would SHE do if in your shoes?

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