The cow isn't the only one who lost its life.


Does anyone else out there go sit in a closet and have a complete meltdown after taking a 90-plus narcissist/parent for a check-up and getting a big thumbs-up?

She had a bovine valve transplant at 90.

"It's ticking like a Swiss watch," says the cardiologist. Well, whoopee! Yah, that's great!

My take on the good news is: complete bowel incontinence (aided by the outrageously expensive medications to keep the Swiss watch ticking, which is already causing frequent Hershey squirt accidents all over the house), becoming wheelchair-bound, dementia, blindness, being in constant pain, bankruptcy, etc. is coming!

And I alone will have a front row seat to it all! The ticker will still keep ticking. Yah, it's a miracle!

I felt like vaulting over the table, grabbing him by the collar of his white coat...

But, I couldn't even look at him, say a word. During past appointments, I did get the feeling that he is conflicted too. Mentioned sheepishly, other patients with crippling arthritis, suffering terribly. But, still ticking.

Is there a profession left in this world that hasn't become a complete perversion? Doctors feel like they are causing suffering, cops are the bad guys, teachers are the ones who don't care enough about children. I digress.

But, it is another aspect of interacting with reality as a caregiver for someone who is, let's face it, just living too long, unnaturally. Everything is upside down and inside out. Life bad, death good.

My productivity is to keep her around unproductively to siphon off the productivity of even more, even younger people struggling to survive so she can suffer some more and maybe play bridge a few times more, after 30 years of retirement in the lap of luxery, after working for less than 20. My mother had to deal with all of one month of having her mother around.

I can't believe how old I'm getting, and it may very well never be my turn.

Could go on and on about everything, as I'm sure most of us could. And maybe will :)

The last "good news" doctor appointment set off a regression of all the progress I thought I had made with my coping attitude. (Plus, Thanksgiving, ugh...upside down inside out...special days used to be fun, should be, but are now torture. Seems we caught that sibling relationship sickness, a mutation of the excessive old age disease, that I heard about on here and never thought would happen to us.)

Anyway, the gist is that the part of it all has become inflamed, again.

I'm coming up on one year of living here with her like this, been reading all of your comments, have been grateful to you all for putting it out there.

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Religion is for the losers/boobs - take care of your own family and yourself when you can - prayer is a waste of time unless you can deflect a dementia soul with it then it is useful - those who stop to pray while a tsunami comes on shore .... basically drown -

Pick up you own britches & do something positive to help your loved one then you'll be ahead but the family of a dementia person needs to help themselves by maximizing life opportunities including any resource they can go to

Good to hear from you again littleedie

I agree with cm that it is necessary to laugh. Sometimes if you don't laugh, you will cry or have a meltdown.

Hope you are coping well. I suspect caring for grandma is not getting any easier.

I just read this whole thread. I too actually have a "Gershun" mama. She was a Sunday school teacher for 4-5 year olds for 50 years. Now she is in the middle stages of dementia. Sometimes when she is feisty, in my head I think of her as Miss "Jesus drank wine". I love her to death. Yesterday was ground hog day every 5 min. I'm sure this is because we had a haircut, shot at the clinic, and that changed the routine. Also Thanksgiving is coming. I want each of you to know I have now laughed so hard this morning at the last few posts....I did a cough, pee...damn! I'm still laughing! I'm now going to forever think of the holiday company coming as the flying monkeys! Still laughing. Love you all and thanks for making my day!  P.S. We have dead cow "parts" too!

Oh crumbs! Stay off Facebook, for heaven's sake.

How are things going in general, Little?

Of course it's all right to laugh, even grimly. Necessary, I'd say. I bonded with my nephew over our smothered hysterics when my terribly proper mother farted in rhythm as she hobbled clear across the room - she'd become so deaf she didn't realise quite how audible it was. My sister was so livid with both of us that she didn't know who to turn the fish eye on hardest: she was very punctilious about dignity. But I was the one who did the bottom-wiping.

I think that may have been the last time he saw her, actually.

You need the humour to distract from the pain.

And you can't talk - or at least you won't gain much from talking - *only* to people whose experience is the same as your own. And if one person finds something easier or sweeter or more rewarding than others do, how is saying so a criticism?

A question is not an accusation. The question "if you hate doing this, if it's ruining your life, why are you doing it?" is a reasonable one. The answer may be rooted in factors outside the questioner's experience, but there still are answers, and it's no bad thing to review them from time to time and make sure they still make any sense.

Just out of curiosity why do you feel the need after a whole year to rub remarks I made that bothered some people into my face again. Yes, I agree, they were thoughtless comments but I never intended any harm and I apologized to those people.

You have not posted on here in a while and I've moved on and I think those I offended have too, so let it go.


Here come the holidays, and I was reviewing my first and last thread.

"I hear people all the time almost making fun of their parents."

Then recently...

"Send, what you said reminds me of the day my "nice" sister and I were getting Mom ready for the nursing home. We were both so tired and stressed we were running on fumes. My Mom had wanted us to bring a particular chair of hers to the nursing home but at that point we couldn't. My sister said we could always strap Mom to the chair and tie it to the back of the truck. I said yeah, and attach a bar of soap to it cause it's raining so she'd finally have a bath."

That is funny. Really. But, being comedic is risky, right? Some people may actually believe you were going to tie your mother to the truck, like Granny in the Beverly Hillbillies pilot, if you didn't explicitly point it out that you weren't actually going to commit a felony and post a description of the deed on line? No, nobody here thinks that. It's a joke! A "good one". Enjoy it. Everyone else did.

"We laughed so hysterically we both peed our pants. Please don't misunderstand. Of course I would never have treated my Mom that way. It's just sometimes you need some comic relief. That whole day, I was walking around in pee panties cause I didn't have time to change them after our laugh. :)"

I wasn't going to assault the cardiologist, do anything unsafe, unhealthy, unkind to anyone. Ehuh.

"I wonder why if these people hate their parents so much why they don't just stick them in a care home and forget about them. It's almost a form of martyrdom, isn't it? It's like a woman caring for the person who raped her. I understand that for some people it's too expensive to place their parent. I get that."

Rape? WTF? (But, on the subject, there's a reason victims do Battered Women's Syndrome, the psyche "splitting". It's a response that is a "lesser of evils". I mentioned a good source and author earlier, applicable to all forms of abuse, and not-good-enough parenting, and how elusive knowing what good enough is.)

It's never too expensive to stick anyone anywhere. Medicaid.

If I were a martyr or felt personally guilty and responsible that all living things age and die, I wouldn't have posted...what I said, in the first place.

"But if a parent was so awful to you when you were growing up and you could afford to place them somewhere, why don't you? "

Because part of why we were treated badly was because they worshipped money. The good news now is that we live in a great community, are $ secure, and want to stay that way, into the next generation. And, not getting ripped off by a CCRC (like the one I did professional accounting for for many years because I wanted to use my education to be of service to the elderly) is one way to keep our family resources intact. Like my father, she may require professional care, and when the time comes, she'll get it. (Because of the exposure to the system and lovely people who cared for him, I went to work in that field.). We're not there yet. It's not worth it yet, all things considered. There's other people to consider.

But, of course, I'm frustrated. I've lost my liberty. These are the last healthy years of my life. My friends are starting to die. People I wanted to see again, people I was going to retire with. Never going to see them again.

And, here come "the holidays" and the band of flying monkeys. A few more days on an even keel. Then a week of Facebook Live! (Listen to how great I am!) too much rich food and activity, but what do I know, right? And then the diarrhea (that the non-monkey wipes up). Then they fly off and the boundary reconstruction begins again, until the next time the band rescues us again. Ugh.

Go ahead and post. Say whatever you wish and I will continue to say whatever I wish. I never personally attacked you. The statements I made were general. You personally attacked me, though. So which one of us should be offended?

I hope that's it.

@Gershun - If I'd been offended I'd have said so. Judging by your response(s) though it seems I struck a nerve. I'm not going to open this up again as it looks like Littleedie's thread is nicely back on track. However, I've been out of commission for a few days and have not responded to you, so will do so and be done.

As others, I come here to "be" with folks who are caregivers and to listen, learn, identify, sympathize, empathize, etc. It don't post much - it's not my nature to share private/personal things with strangers - nor even friends for that matter. It took a LOT for me to write/post what I did about my situation. I just needed to get it off my chest to others in the same boat because at that point it was really weighing me down and dragging me under. I felt relatively 'safe' posting here. It felt great to get it out.

What didn't feel great though was your response. Offended? No. Nor was I defensive - I said nothing that needed defending. What I WAS, was put off. I felt like "Ick! I knew it was a mistake to be honest like that. Never again". Put another way, it was like being hit across the face with a wet mop, and I didn't like it one bit. Would you?

AC is one of the few places, FEW PLACES in this world where folks can come and talk openly and honestly about their situation, negative feelings, fears, hopes, poo, vomit, etc., etc., I mean the really rot-gut stuff. They let themselves be vulnerable. That is SO rare these days - and it's very precious. Do you realize how rare and precious and valuable a forum like this is to people? In a world where vulnerability is often mocked, AC is an oasis! I've also been AMAZED when I've seen the kindness that flows from folks in response to some of the posts here - truly amazing and many times a wonderful example of tolerance and kindness which I can only say is an example to strive for (for me).

What I'm saying is, I'll continue to post if/when I need to, because although I was put off - and the 'ick factor' hasn't quite worn off - I'm not that easily run-off. The fear I have though - and my point to all this is - that I would hate for others who may be new here, or hesitant to post/reach out for help here, to be afraid to do so for fear they will be taken to task for what they said. IMHO, THAT would be a real tragedy, and the AC forum and all of us here would lose something very special.

That's it. Thanks.

Cher, that's interesting about stopping the meds. I'm 600 plus miles from my folks. After a hip replacement surgery I spent some time down there and at one point helped her go through all the meds and organize them in a calender dispenser. I was astounded at all the stuff she is taking. Mom can still do her 7 day pill box, makes a big production of it. I wonder what would actually happen if she were weaned off the meds. My guess is she could get by with very little if any.

But it ain't gonna happen. She is of the generation that believes there's a pill to fix anything. God forbid she should have ever dieted or exercised. just take the blood pressure, heart, insulin, Lyrica, oxy, etc, etc. every trip to one of the docs results in a new med or a confusing change of meds.

I don't hate my folks for living so damn long but I do wish they had planned better. They spent their lives with unhealthy lifestyles and Now they are stubborn, refuse to move or accept any help, (except if it's me working my ass off around the house) and with the miracles of modern medical intervention will probably live to be 100.

Until recently I was kinda cocky about being 62 and on no meds whatsoever. That changed about 8 months ago after an extended stay with my folks, trying to get the car away from dad and getting home care set up for mom. No success. But I did come home with a very rapid and irregular hear beat. Now I'm on meds for A-Fib. great..........

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