The cow isn't the only one who lost its life.

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Does anyone else out there go sit in a closet and have a complete meltdown after taking a 90-plus narcissist/parent for a check-up and getting a big thumbs-up?

She had a bovine valve transplant at 90.

"It's ticking like a Swiss watch," says the cardiologist. Well, whoopee! Yah, that's great!

My take on the good news is: complete bowel incontinence (aided by the outrageously expensive medications to keep the Swiss watch ticking, which is already causing frequent Hershey squirt accidents all over the house), becoming wheelchair-bound, dementia, blindness, being in constant pain, bankruptcy, etc. is coming!

And I alone will have a front row seat to it all! The ticker will still keep ticking. Yah, it's a miracle!

I felt like vaulting over the table, grabbing him by the collar of his white coat...

But, I couldn't even look at him, say a word. During past appointments, I did get the feeling that he is conflicted too. Mentioned sheepishly, other patients with crippling arthritis, suffering terribly. But, still ticking.

Is there a profession left in this world that hasn't become a complete perversion? Doctors feel like they are causing suffering, cops are the bad guys, teachers are the ones who don't care enough about children. I digress.

But, it is another aspect of interacting with reality as a caregiver for someone who is, let's face it, just living too long, unnaturally. Everything is upside down and inside out. Life bad, death good.

My productivity is to keep her around unproductively to siphon off the productivity of even more, even younger people struggling to survive so she can suffer some more and maybe play bridge a few times more, after 30 years of retirement in the lap of luxery, after working for less than 20. My mother had to deal with all of one month of having her mother around.

I can't believe how old I'm getting, and it may very well never be my turn.

Could go on and on about everything, as I'm sure most of us could. And maybe will :)

The last "good news" doctor appointment set off a regression of all the progress I thought I had made with my coping attitude. (Plus, Thanksgiving, ugh...upside down inside out...special days used to be fun, should be, but are now torture. Seems we caught that sibling relationship sickness, a mutation of the excessive old age disease, that I heard about on here and never thought would happen to us.)

Anyway, the gist is that the part of it all has become inflamed, again.

I'm coming up on one year of living here with her like this, been reading all of your comments, have been grateful to you all for putting it out there.


littleedie, keep that sense of humor, you wear it well :)

Yesterday when I heard on the news that Americans are not living as long as previously and the reporters were rattling off the reasons why.... I noticed one really BIG reason had been overlooked.... BEING A CAREGIVER.

I had a lot of resentment with my late parents as they had 25+ years of a fun filled exciting retirement. What was my retirement after having a full time career? Watching them age into their 90's.

My parents saved big time for those rainy days, and now it was hailing out, with heavy winds, yet my parents refused caregivers and cleaning people to help them in their large home. My parents were in their 90's feeling like they were 70. And I was 70 feeling like I was 90. I tore up my bucket list, as I didn't even have the energy to enjoy anything on the list.

When my Dad moved to Independent Living and I saw how nice and cozy his large apartment was, I was ready to see if the facility had an apartment for me.

This is the first Christmas without both of my parents, and I will miss that. But I won't miss going into shear panic every time the phone rang.... or going to doctor appointment [counted 40 for one year].... or following the ambulance to the ER for yet another fall.
(((((((((hugs))))))) edie. You write well and have a great sense of humour. My BPD narcissist mother at 104 (just to discourage you) is well looked after by others in a facility. Even then I have my days... After a decline in mobility and more last fall, she has been holding steady all year and her doctor says she is amazing.

What can you do to give yourself some breaks? Narcissists are so hard to live with. I could not do it..

Join in some of the threads here - it helps to maintain your sanity.

littleedie, I understand totally. I think about those little pills and capsules I give so responsibly to my mother and know it is helping her live longer. It doesn't help her live better, just longer. I'm going on 7 years now and share your feeling of craziness. When it is over, if I am still alive myself, I don't know how I will put a life back together for myself. I know this is not right to switch one life to prolong another. It's nuts.
Thanks so much.
freqflyer, yes, the unmaintained house...we had to evacuate for Hurricane Matthew. I was dreaming of a big tree (no, make that two big trees!) falling on it, then being in a tornado's path to finish it off. When we got word it was unscathed, she's delighted, I could have wept...upside down inside out life again.
Sorry for loss this year. Sounds like you had a loving relationship.
Golden, 104? I need to go lie down for a minute. Whenever I hear those big numbers, I subtract 91, add that to 56, which comes out to life is over. I also enjoy everyone telling me how amazing she is. Especially people who don't know her but think they do, and herself of course, she loves to tell me how great she a fake accent followed by a fake laugh.
Jessie, I know, it's hard to imagine another life. I used to be really good at imagining how great it was going to be when my turn came. Then the cow died. When I came here, we thought she was dying. I think most people are fine with helping for a reasonable, natural amount of time, even sorta embrace the thought of being a part of the cycle of life. Then when it seems like it will yawn into eternity, well, here I am, hoping this stinky poo poo house will be swept away in a storm surge.

I can get out still. In some ways, it's a decent deal, except for the verbal abuse and filth. Actually, the community is nice, lots of recreation, nature. I try to think of it as an opportunity to enjoy a new place, get in shape. It's just so hard to adjust what I used to think a year ago (it's going to be my turn any day now!) to Sometimes, I get in a good groove. But, nothing she loves more than to get her big, long, shiny pin out and burst your bubble.
Well, I get the house to myself for an hour tomorrow, so that's good. Won't have to run the gauntlet to get to the washing machine!
"Is there a profession left in this world that hasn't become a complete perversion? Doctors feel like they are causing suffering, cops are the bad guys, teachers are the ones who don't care enough about children."

Was rereading this. Certainly didn't mean to say that doctors, cops, teachers are the bad guys. Not at all. I meant that so much is expected of them that they have no control over, it's become absurd.
Understand your frustration, on my fifth year with 90 and 91 year old parents, I love them to death, but watching them 24/7 decline mobility and independence yet basically in good physical health except the dementia. It's frustrating really. You feel guilty for wanting your caregiving years over so you can actually get in the car and go somewhere, anywhere, without having to feel rushed to get home. If I have any years left after this is over I just want to drive wherever the hell I want!
When people said to my mom that she should live to be 100 she used to say "goodness, I hope not". Now at 97 she has made it her goal. She is double incontinent, needs to be spoon fed, is mostly deaf and blind, no longer can walk or even stand for more than a few seconds. Oh, and if you ask her what her name is she'll say "they didn't tell me yet".
We decided on palliative care over 3 years ago now but she just keeps on going, so it isn't because of any aggressive medical interventions. I get told she is doing so well because I take such good care of her, personally I wonder what kind of bad karma or curse we share.
Littleedie, this topic comes up a lot on this site. There was a popular thread for a while, someting to the effect of "Is it wrong to hope mom will die".

People are lasting waaaaaay beyond their due dates. My folks are mid 80s with all the elder problems and then some, but with all the meds and medical interventions they could last till 100. They drag through each day, taking their meds and being miserable but refusing anyone to come into their home to help. Except me of course.

I'm 62 and never dreamed I'd spend my retirement dealing with this stuff. My mom had my grandmother in her house for one week and shipped her butt right off to a nursing home.

It may not make you feel any better but just know there's a whole army of us out here doing this. And this is not a volunteer army. Most of us were conscripted. In my case, my sibs died on me and there is absolutely no one else for my folks. So I do my duty like a good soldier.
Well she is the smart one, because she has you all eating out of her hand. You know 30 percent of caregivers are killed off by the patient themselves. You'll be six feet under while she is cheerfully playing Bridge. Instead of suicide by mother, you could save your own life. Sneak out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. Hop on the bus, Gus. Set yourself free.
When people hear how old my parents were when they passed [mid to late 90's] I always get "you have good genes".... I have to keep from falling on the floor laughing.

Yeah right, I feel lucky when I wake up the next morning, much less think about living another 20 years. I haven't been to any of my specialists in the past 2-3 years. Have gone for my annual senior wellness exam, yes I am still breathing.

Come to think of it, my cat has been to his Cardiologist and Ophthalmologist this year, but I haven't seen mine.

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