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Mom died Oct. 1, 2012.....10:10 a.m.
The day nurse called that morning told me "Maure Your Mom just passed, do You want to come see her? hospice is here and a pastor from Hospice is also here with some nurses.
I didn't know if you wanted to come see your mom.....I WAS SPEECH-LESS...
she said "are you there?" and I said "yes, but I don't know what to do".
but the REAL reason I didn't go....is because my husband is older than me and it takes time to do his morning routine before anything else starts and I know he would've wanted to go with me. It would've been too late!!
I feel guilty, mad, sad, frustraited and don't know what to do with all these feelings.
We were with her the previous evening and I sat by her bed saying prayers of our faith and kissed her on the forEhead goodnight as did husb.

I (really) didn't want to see her lifeless body laying there, but wanted to tell her
what a good mom she'd been, that I loved her and we'll be ok.. All this conversation had happend previous to her 1 1/2 mo. decline of brain cancer.

We were never given an official diagnosis from her dr. either. She'd gone for an o.v., he referred a brain scan and suggested an appt date set with her oncologist.
Going from Oct.1st to Sept. 27, knowing a metastic cancer cell was pressing
on her brain, never sent me a report, Inever called, I had called and asked to speak with the dr. and could only get through to his nurse, he didn't want to talk to me about it and shoved that job onto his nurse.
Her words were, "well after seeing the MRI, the dr wants her to see her onconlogist.
and still have never been told about her report, diagnosis, approx time line,.....absolutly nothing.
I'm so mad I could chew nails. I personally know the clinic manager, but also know they cover their asses when it comes to something like this.
She was 84, had 3 different types of cancer and fought them off like a trouper,
but reading about bladder cancer, (her last surgery) in '07, that brain cancer is in the 90th percentile of next in line..

Here's the clincher, I never felt like my mom truly loved me. My dad had told me he wished I'd been born a boy and I was sexually abused by my mom and dad, cousins, uncles, men that were friends of my dad, he let them.

So I've never given my heart to anyone, not even my husband that treats me like gold after 40 yrs of marriage. I love him to pieces but have never been in love with anyone. I've protected my heart since childhood.

I'm sorry this letter turned in a different direction, but as of now.....all the abusers in my 58 yrs of life on this earth are gone and I finally feel free.
Not safe, but free.
Thanks to anyone that could stomach reading to the end, it's sickening, but it's been my life.
Maure

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Maure, I am very sorry for the death of your mother, and for the loss of your childhood as well. May this be a time of healing for you.
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