Convincing my wife time to let her Dad who lives with us move into a home.

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My Father in law moved in with us in Oct 2014. Lots of Health issues including Alzheimer's and Dementia; all which are in check for now. I believe it has been enough time from his home living with us and is ready for next step. He basically has his routine TV/Computer/Sleep/Repeat. Very rarely has visitors and never goes out except with us to appointments and dinner. I believe he is miserable, but He is my wife's DAD. She cannot even bear the thought of him moving, and this is putting pressure not only on us individually but as a couple. I could use guidance in how to approach this. She did agree that this situation was only temporary as we have a small house, only 1 bathroom so privacy is not there--ever. But again it is her DAD. any thoughts you can share? I don't want this to ruin my marriage but it feels like i am the 3rd wheel sometimes.


It sounds as if this would be the best situation for both of you, but perhaps your FIL might not think so, although it doesn't seem as though he's particularly happy now, and perhaps not really able to determine what WOULD be the best arrangement for him.

If you can focus on what's best for FIL, that might be a better approach. Then you're not putting yourself or your wife first, but rather your FIL. And he IS the one who needs care.

It also wouldn't hurt to do some research on Alz, as eventually it may become more than just desirable, it may become absolutely necessary. Starting that planning now would be wise.
A good question is when does what is best for FIL, come ahead of what is best for us? His needs have always been first, but is it selfish of me for wanting to move on??
Beretta, I made that suggestion as a way of approaching the move, not necessarily as a governing issue. I was thinking if your wife is able to switch her focus to the best situation for her father, particularly given his Alz, it might be easier for HER to gradually warm to the idea of another living arrangement.

You do raise a good question, though, one with which many of the posters here, including myself, have battled. I don't know if there is a standard answer. Every party should have equal rights and treatment, but often with a parent who has dementia that ratio changes and becomes weighted in favor of the elder.

In an ideal world, we each would have the same level of rights, but it's had to balance that.

But theory doesn't answer your question. I've written before that I see these situations as graphs, in your case with your FIL's welfare represented by a diagonal line which is increasing, and yours represented by a decreasing diagonal line. The point at which they crossed has obviously been reached and your welfare is decreasing. So it is time to restore some balance.

I do think it's time for your FIL to move, especially since there's a lack of marital privacy. And yes, you do have a right to want to move on, as well as to have the benefits of your marriage restored to you without another party present all the time.

And I think you recognize that your wife is probably concerned with her father on an emotional and protective level that might be stronger at this time, because of his needs and not because of any diminution of concern for your. Her father's just in a worse place right now.
Bertetta, my answer is here: when you asked this question earlier.
Beretta, it's helpful to ask a question once so that answers aren't split up on different messages. I only saw your other message a few moments ago.
I finally had the talk with my wife about her Father. Things have changed as my wife is hav ing back issues. So we discussed the need to go forward with her Father in order to have him go to a home. I put it as delicately but bluntly--I cannot be caregiver to both my wife and my FIL. he can afford it, and is also suprisingly open to the idea and is willing to go forward, at least tour a couple and begin the assestments. So some progress is made. All the advise is helping, and i will continue on here as we go thru this experience
Good update, good progress and hopefully a good outcome.

One thing that might help is to call facilities before touring them to find out when they're having activities that might interest him, especially the musical ones. There's a dynamic, a special feeling in the specific room, almost a sense of adrenalin rush, when the musicians come to play. It might encourage him to think more positively about a facilitiy.

Good luck, congratulations for being able to accomplish this change in approach, and please keep us updated. It's always encouraging when something works out for the best.
It seems that when you get 2 steps forward, you take 4 right back again. Now just reciently my FIL's older sister (Wife's aunt) is in the hospital with stage 3 cancer all over. 3-6 months given. I tool my FIL there to spend time with her, but it does not look good. Now i am afraid this will only add to his depression, and am nervous as i work solidly during week, and my wife 3 full days. Maybe suggesting that we move our plans forward would be a benifit for him as he just sits around all day moping, as his circle of family his age is dwindling. Any Advise? would his spirits be lifted looking ahead to a new phase with going to assisted living?
Yes, I sure do have advice. Get your FIL into assisted living for his OWN benefit, not yours.imagine the different life he'll have: young smiling faces engaging him at every turn; organized activities; the opportunity to make peer friendships; never eating alone...card games, big screen TV in the common room, social programs, ice cream treats in the afternoons a few times a week. All that and more. AND you and your lovely bride visiting him once or twice a week for an outing or just a good old-fashioned gabfest.

Move forward. You, your wife and your FIL deserve as full a life as you all can handle.
I can relate Beretta (like the screen name btw), my FIL lives with us and my husband doesn't like the idea of his DAD going into a home either. I think it is a very delicate and hard conversation. It sounds like you are both still working, any kids at home too? I know the moping part, I have seen it personally. I have tried to get him involved in local senior groups. Even the home health persons have tried to get him involved, but he refuses. I was so glad to hear when he actually participated in a few things when at rehab recently. So just like others have said, a home or assisted living (if he would qualify with dementia), would be great for activities and seeing other faces. Best of luck to you and let us know how things turn out.

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