Convincing the family my Uncle issafe in assisted living.

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In August this yr. my Uncle was declared incapable of living by himself any more because of his dementia. Seeing I had helped him with many of his tasks, I became his Guardian. We have a good releationship and he trusts me. Because there was no one he could live with I found a really nice place for Memory Impaired- Assisted Living. I have been very pleased with the place but my Uncle never stops talking about getting out and going back to his home. My mother does not get to visit much but when she does, he tells her the same thing- non stop- and complains about his room mates (he's been changed at least 3 times- twice due to problems of the 2 getting along). He's also said that the other residents have pushed him, hit him and talks about very strong disagreements. I know they are not true except for some issues of people getting along with each other. When my mother leaves she is always upset because he is so unhappy and I believe she does not really think he belongs there and I think she believe most of his "stories". Can someone point me to some information that explains that this behavior is somewhat normal in people with Demenia. I hate to see her thinking he is not in a good place


Maybe if you and your mom Googled Alz/dementia, and you let her read the symptoms and behaviours, she will be more at ease.... and let her read some of the posts on here also, of family members having exactly the same behaviours.... of course he wants to go home, they all do.... but at the end of the day, we have a responsibilty to keep them safe... and if you are happy with the facility, just try to educate her and be patient that it takes time to learn about this disease... wishing you well with progress... hugs
First- I accitdently hit "report this post" so....I appoligize.
Thank you for responding ladee.
I have been googling info but there is some much info it was overwhelming trying to narrow it down. My mother is 88 yrs. old- very sharp-but does not have a lot of patience reading a whole bunch of stuff
What finally got me to reach out to this group was the Christmas Party at the home. I knew it would not turn out like my mother and stepfather expected. It started out ok- but went downhill after my Uncle - after going on and on about going home- said he had to go before he tied a noose around his neck. My mother believed that. By the time I got home I was in tears because my mother was so disturbed by the visit and I could not convince her that much of what he told her was a "story". I have spoken with all the nurses, activity co-ordinators etc. that he is ok. My mother believes they will say that to everyone. So I know that no matter what I say it will not change her mind. Something from somewhere is might convince her this is something that goes on with many families. Sometimes I think she believes him over me. I don't want the stress for her or myself to continue. It is not good for her and she should not be spending every waking moment dwelling on this. It seems that's all we talk about..
Is there a possiblity he may need some meds for anxiety? And there are many great articles on this site for you to go thru and see that mom would not be overwhelmed reading it.....
And you may just have to try and accept the situation as it is.... apparently your mom isn't going to be reassured and it's in his best interest to stay, so possibly you just need to coming here and getting support for yourself and your struggles.... you did the right thing..... and you will be told that here.....
Am sending you the caregiver survival kit.... love, hugs, angels and chocolate... sometimes that all we can do in a day, can't make everyone happy.....
*continue coming here*,,, sorry...
Ladee, what you say makes sense. Maybe I can't change my mother's mind. My uncle is now on meds for anxiety and they just put him on depression meds. I cannot tell my mother that because she thinks "these places" just medicate them so they are easy to deal with and they become like zombies. The home has very specific instructions from me to never say anything about meds. I know I work too hard to please my mother, but I hate seeing her so hurt and upset. I will take your advice and continue coming here and I will look for the info that might show my mother that no matter where he is that he will be like this. I think that she believes he's condition is not as bad as the others so he does not fit in.
You mentioned sending me the caregivers survival kit. I would really appreciatie that. Will that go directly to my email? I will be watching for it.
Again, ladee- thank you
If Mom is in denial , she is simply not willing to face her fears.... that's ok, just give her time and try to gently educate her.... and she is right about 'those places' in many instances.... but reassure her you are his advocate, and explain what that means.
This may be a silly question, but does he have anything in his room that would remind him of home? He may not recognize them because of the dementia, but sometimes it helps.... and one of the sad things about wanting to go 'home' is sometimes when they ARE home, they want to go home..... he may be talking about a childhood home, who knows.....
Can he be redirected when gets like that? Especially when mom is around? You may have tried all of this, so let us know how we can help..... sending you hugs...
Perhaps it would be better for Mother to visit less often. Maybe sending cards or cartoon clipped out of the paper would be better for them both. In-person visits don't appear to be doing either of them much good.

Be assured that you did the right thing in placing him. Perhaps in Mother's mind placement in any kind of care center is NEVER good. She may never accept that this is for the best, but that doesn't make it any less true. He needed to be in a care center. If you are convinced this a good one and you are advocating for him you have done the best you can do.

Try to shift your focus with your mother to something else. Take her to dinner or to a ball game or to bingo. So something with her she enjoys, and talk about anything but Uncle. If she brings him up switch to talking about what the two of them did as children or what was the funniest thing she's known him to do. Just refuse to get drawn into discussions about the care center. That is a done deal and there is no point in going over and over it.

My husband wanted to "go home" when he was living with me in the same home we'd lived in for years. That a dementia patient wants to go home is not exactly news, and it may not mean what your mother thinks it means. Even if he were somehow able to go back to living on his own, he may still want to "go home."

Once again, you are doing the right thing. I am sorry that your mother is so unhappy and so obsessed by this. That is not your fault.
Thank you Jeanne Gibbs.Borh you and Ladee have some good advice. I guess I can be somewhat to blame about my mother and I talking about him so much. I am still trying to get things down like cleaning out his house along with many of the other duties I am sure you are all aware of. I am going to bring his name up less except I want her to know I am watching over him and will take care of him. But I was feeling like I had failed him and my mother because he is so unhappy. I am one of those people that take's everything to heart. I guess I am going to have to toughen up a bit because this is only the beginning.
If my mother were not 88 (+) yrs. old and has trouble getting around, I would suggest she go to the monthly support group at the facility.
Thank you both.

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