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Another weekly battle that I face is my mothers constant constipation. It's a weekly nightmare that I loathe, but have to accept. The latest episode (yesterday) goes as follows. I gave mother a heft glass of warm prune juice and two woman's laxative pills. Now, if these don't work immediately, then my mother gets frantic. She had no bowel movement overnight (she claims she had a sleepless night due to the constipation).......now today she got out of bed very early and wanted to go to the hospital. I always refuse to take her because the prune juice usually works, but this time I submitted and took her. I told the lady at the ER that she is severely constipated. While waiting in the lobby to be seen, mother wanted to go to the restroom......she had her bowel movement. She then wanted to leave (which we did). I told the admitting lady that she had a bowel movement and we were leaving. I also told her that this is a weekly thing with her and that it's just part of the hell that a caregiver goes through. This morning before we left home for the hospital......my mother insisted that we go. She said if we don't go.....then she'll just sit there and die from the constipation. This is just a tid bit of the hell that I go through each day. I challenge any caregiver to "beat" what I go through in dealing with a VERY headstrong and controlling mother. I told her, "you're 88 now......give up on the control". My life.....is dedicated (not by choice) to being a 24/7 slave. It's getting to be very sickening because it's the same thing day in and day out. I'm not in a "normal" caregiver situation......I have to deal with a extremely moody, cranky and quite frankly.......a very mean person at times. Cussing and four letter words are quite common. Mother lets me have it with both barrels....so to speak. I really think that perhaps GOD makes us caregivers suffer, so that when our parents die......then we don't feel so bad. It's almost like a relief when they pass on and we are absolved of this hell called caregiving. The curse continues.....

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I thought we had it under control but her sleep is so out of whack that I know she loses days and times. We have a schedule of her medications and yes it was my fault that I didn't think to put the stool softeners in a cabinet far far away. Which is now so. Thank you for your help and advice on this
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All old people are constipated, either from meds, lack of activity, lack of fiber and lack of water. Plus, my mom would tell me she had not had a bowel movement (dementia) when I knew that she had. I do not allow mom to take her own meds. I put them in a small cup for her to take. I don't wait for her to get constipated (we would have to call a plumber because she will stop up the toilet when she finally goes). Every day, I give my mom a stool softener and half a dose of Miralax. Most of the time, this keeps her regular so we don't have "poop" episodes where we have poop everywhere. Plus, if they truly are constipated, obviously they won't die from it, but constipation is uncomfortable for all of us.
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Jamie yes they like us to keep on topic so if you want a good rant post it on the "caregivers and disfuntional families"
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I currently live with my ex mom and dad in law. These ppl have been in my life for 32 years . One day I was driving to a nearby town and she called me and ask me for help, she just couldn't do it anymore. So after a long talk with my hubby I uprooted myself and moved in with them. It's only been a few months. I have never in my life talked about Poo soo much! This morning ( not the first time). I woke up and she said she was scared because she hasn't taken a poo in 4 days. She has dementia. She also informed me that she took 3 stool softeners in a 6 hour time spance.! I told her that you have to give them time! But she watches so much TV that it has convinced her that she is going to die unless she poops. I'm sure you are well aware that this is only one topic that I am talking about. Ahhh. .so much more but you said to keep on the subject. I also give her probiotics daily.
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This won't sound nice, but so what if mother won't allow help. She's in no position to dictate. Roscoe - time to man up and make some bold brave decisions. Mom won't like it. There will be fits and drama. Just steel yourself for the storm, and ride it out. Good decision making needs to rule. For her well being and yours. Eventually she will adjust. It might take several weeks or months, but she will adjust and captiulate.
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Captain, captain, captain...*sigh* demonstrating that loving compassion thing again?

This is a safe place for anyone to come vent without judgement. We aren't there and we can't know. My experience isn't yours and yours isn't mine.

Roscoe888 sounds like someone at the end of their rope who needs help. If you haven't lived with a Borderline/Narcissist, then you don't know how traumatic it is. The children who grow up with these parents frequently have PTSD. Making somebody with PTSD care for the person who is hurting them is just cruel.

If these behaviors are new, I would have her examined for dementia ASAP. Being mean is not normal aging behavior.

Nobody gets training on how to be a caregiver. Some of us are not patient people to start with and being under non-stop stress only makes it that much more difficult.

Roscoe - you DO need a break. Find a local care break facility. They are usually named Respite care. Your area agency on aging can help you find one. Professional caregivers don't do this 24/7/365, and neither can you. It will break you. Find out what kind of in-home services you can get through her benefits so it's not you 100% of the time.

Leaving yourself as a human being behind is a really bad idea. It will not help your mom have a good transition or a good death. You have GOT to get some help with your mom and some help for yourself, to heal from what has happened to you so far in this situation.
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Wondered where you had got to Roscoe. For those who do not know this gentleman. He states himself to be a millionaire who is devoting himself to being the sole caregiver for his nasty, narsissistic, controling constipated mother. He can afford help but mother won't allow it.
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My mil gets constipated also. The last time it got stuck In her butt hole. Finally I went and bought glycerin suppositories. Not fun sticking up her but. Although it works for her. I think it's caused by being bed ridden and wheelchair bound. No movement to start a movement
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Let me just note, as someone who has chronic constipation, IBS-C, something that may help explain what the folks with constipation are complaining about.

Yes, some people are fine having a stool every 2-3 days. Some are not, and will be in pain if they don't have a stool every day. I noticed above that a caregiver did not understand why his Mom was complaining about no stool when she'd had one a couple of days or a day before. It's because she is in pain, people. If I don't have a stool every day, I get bloated, nauseous, and have cramps. It's miserable.

So I encourage anyone who is taking care of someone with this, to try and get them some help, for both your sakes. I know it is hard. I'm just about to start year two with this mess and have tried everything under the sun. The only thing that works for me is Dulcolax, but that is not supposed to be used often. Miralax, stool softener, high fiber foods, exercise, nothing like that does much.
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Oh no Maria! I've done long stints waiting for mom to poop, butt (Ha!) that takes the cake. I feel for you and MIL. She's gonna have permanent red marks from sitting that long.

My mom vomits and passes out if she hasn't gone for four days. It causes her a great deal of pain. Numerous enemas and finally digital removal of the fecal impaction in the ER was the result of her last bouts. Her regular physician said she is took weak for a colonoscopy, even a virtual one and if they found cancer she is not a candidate for treatment. So, we'll just keep riding this train to the final station.

Activia yogurt is something you might consider adding to her diet. It seems to help my mom. Just throwing that out there.

It's so hard on them and hard on us caregivers. Your story is one of the worst I've heard. Hope you're able to get some sleep tonight. YOU deserve it and then some!
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I have spent the past four hours - 4 - assuring my MIL that she isitting on a bedpan and it iskay to poop. At least 4 times a minute............I timed it. So that's 240 time an hour that I assured her that she was on a bedpan and to go ahead and have a BM. I gave her calming meds but to no avail. She is still repeating herself.
She has had a partial BM but I don't want to start cleaning her up till she is actually done and when I ask..........she says she is not done. This has been the most non-stop poop discussion to date. It's always been a problem but this was so crazy, I started to keep track of the frequency cause nobody would ever believe me. They still won't lol But at least it will keep me from screaming.
From my "twilight zone" to yours. Over and out.

Note: I gave her a suppository approx. 6 hrs ago because she had been complaining about being constipated after 2 days
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My queendom for constipation! It seems that would be easier to deal with than the opposite which is my daily battle!
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I was dealing with this this weekend with my mom who was severely constipated due to her pain meds which Hospice just double. They have her on 4 stool softener and 4 laxatives twice a day (the max dose) and she was still impacted. Gave her an enema yesterday but it didn't help. Hospice nurse came by today gave her a second enema and low and behold it worked. Of course then I had to scrub everything down with Dakin's solution (1/3 cup bleach, 1/2 tsp of baking soda and 4 cups boiling water) to kill everything. Right now she's unable to use her toilet because of a hairline fracture in the hip. So my life today was emptying the commode, emptying the catheter bag and cleaning the place. Among the millions of things I never thought I would be doing. Cleaning up mom's feces, giving her an enema or suppository. It's the old joke "God never gives us more than we can handle I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
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Roscoe: Welcome to our world. All old folks have constipation. Whether it's from diet, lack of water or exercise (because they can't), or medication, we are all in it together. I cannot let my 91 year old mom get too constipated (trial and error) as she will eventually have massive stools that clog up the toilet. It's a fine line in finding out what works to keep them somewhat regular but not have explosive poops (which you don't even want to know about). It does take over their whole lives. Before my mom's dementia progressed, she logged in her bowel movements on the calendar. Problem now, since she goes to the toilet by herself, she doesn't even remember if she had a BM and will normally say she did not, unless I can point out otherwise, as I am chasing poop balls that dropped out of her Depends across the hardwood floor. Since I try not to deal with an explosive poop incident, I give my mom a half dose of miralax every day. This seems to work for her. I do not ever let her get constipated and attempt to deal with it after the fact. This seems to work the best for us.
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I felt so bad for my grandmother once that I had to dig the poop out of her butt!! Yes I dug it out she was in pain and I felt so good after, like go me!! I've been the caregiver for five years.. now I see she always thinks she's constipated. If she doeant poop every single day she insists in gobbling laxitives or using an enema!!! It's si gross. Either way I usually have a mess to clean. I've literally been cleaning s*** off the floor and wiping her ass while she tells me how mean I am!!!
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I didn't read other comments, sorry, I'm short in time. But, has anyone told her that constipation isn't missing a bowel movement ONE day? I do telephone triage and we tell people to call us back if it's been more than 4 days. My mom has constipation too...the latest bout was 10 days. This is what I tell people...you have to DRINK water, you have to WALK. My mom hates doing both of those and she takes pain meds which are very constipating. Sorry you have to deal with this!
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As SA said above, Actvia yogurt EVERY day. My mom also eats whole grain Cheerios every morning and a cup of popcorn, a half cup of coleslaw and three prunes every single day in addition to regular meals. Knock wood, but this routine has worked now for two months with no constipation complaints from her.

I understand the constipation hell. My mom was in the ER for a cleanout in October and early November. It's painful for them and painful for us to witness.

If she doesn't like to eat the above items, tell a white lie and that it's a prescribed diet for constipation. She needs to do it to help herself. I sure am sick of making coleslaw, though. :)
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Why don't you give her a laxative every night or two or three what ever it takes to give relief the following day.
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The constipation battle continues strongly to this day. It is causing so much strife between my mother and me. She cannot have a bowel movement without a laxative. The days between bowel movements are living hell to me. She argues and very mean to me because of her obsession. When she has her bowel movement, she is as meek as a lamb......only to turn into a lion on her "constipation days". This is driving me crazy. It's a constant things with her. Nothing else matters with her.....her bowel must be satisfied or there is no peace. I've told her time and time again about this, but she doesn't care. Whoever would have thought that she would turn out to be like this in her old age....with this crazy obsession. I'm suffering for it every day. More caregiver hell for me. To be continued.....
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So you've tried Colace and miralex daily with no good results? May be time to see GI. May have physical reason.
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I remember once when my mom could still walk she had horrible diarrhea and completely lost control while sitting in her chair in the dining room. There was liquid...mess...from the chair all the way to the back of the house to her bathroom, and the toilet looked like someone had poured a half a bucket down it where it puddled on the floor... Our dog, who was lying on the floor next to my mom's chair had mess all over him, too. Not only did I have to scrub the floor from one end of the house to the other, and mop up the bathroom, I had to give the dog a bath, too. Just another day in the life of a care giver... I felt so sorry for my mom though.... That wasn't the first, or last, time that happened. All in a days work, unfortunately.

As my mom got older, it was constipation. All the time. The docs gave her everything under the sun and nothing worked. Finally, I figured I'd try Activa yogurt. Worked like a charm in no time, within a couple days, and she stayed regular from then on. I swear by that stuff for constipation.

You need to seriously consider using some of your wealth to get yourself out of the care giving role. In almost every serial killer's profile there's a controlling, domineering, abusive mother. The fact that you're a guy and literally shaking with emotion is worrisome. If you start having homicidal thoughts, MOVE already and pay someone to do the job of care giving.

My mom was a verbal and physical abuser. She didn't cow me when she started to hurl the four letter words, say derogatory things, or call me names...I just
told her to piss off, go to hell, and walked. Damned if I was going to stand there for a single second and listen to bash me and tell me once again the 1000 ways I was inferior, lousy, no good, etc, etc, etc. You might want to try that, too. Might shock her into shutting the hell up for once. If you stand up to her what's she going to do? Give you the silent treatment? Oh happy day! Chase you down and kick your ass with her cane? lol There's NOTHING she CAN do. You're holding all the cards...you just think SHE is. Wise up, Roscoe. Next time she starts talking about bowel movements again, simply walk away from her. Is she holding you there with a shotgun, forcing you to listen? No? Then why do you?
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The constipation battle continues. No amount of prune juice, prunes, food or stool softners will work on my mother to produce a bowel movement. As far back as I can remember in recent memory the only thing that has worked are a few laxative pills. They would produce a bowel movement. Then three days later it would happen again and I would would give her the laxative pills. It's the only way she could poop. Now, today we have been battling all day long. She is complaining that she cannot poop.....(like it's my fault). I'm here innocently, but I get her wrath all day long about not having a bowel movement. I gave her three laxative pills yesterday, but they did not work as of yet. I took a ride to put gas in my vehicle and I was literally shaking from going through this craziness all day long. Just imagine having a constant topic of constipation going on for days. My mother is relentless with it. She is now begging for an enema. My mothers get so obsessed with it. She can have a bowel movement.......and either the next day or the second after her bowel movement she will complain that she can't poop......when in face she went the day before or a couple of days prior. She is so obsessed with it. It's a constant battle with her......and as usual......I get the blame for her constipation. My mother has the type of digestive system where no amount of fiber or roughage does anything to her. The curse continues.....
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Around my area quite a few people make their living by caring for the mentally disabled. I have noticed that their homes are very similar. There is no carpet to be seen. All floors are tile or wood. No rugs except maybe a washable one at the bedside. The chairs are all waterproof fabric with maybe a washable cover and cushion. The caregivers have an area of the home where the residents may not go especially their own bathroom. The homes are comfortable and immaculately clean and the residents are taken out to daycare daily unless they are sick. the caregivers get regular respite and usually have a van so the residents may be taken out. They are often in the local $1 store and have been given an amount of money they are free to spend on whatever they choose. My point in all this is that if they take on the care of elders prone to or likely to become incontinent it will cause much less stress if the common areas of the home are made easier to clean. Elders loose control, simply forget to go, or have sudden urges. Muscles become weak and sphincters loose elasticity. So if there is a clear route to the bathroom the elderly may or may not make it but the mess is soon cleaned up with a mop and bucket. crawling round on hands and knees scrubbing at a line of poop should not have to be part of the caregivers chores. If possible a bathroom dedicated to the elder will make life easier. a commode can be placed at the bedside for a female in her own room, or even a bucket for an old man. That doesn't guarantee there won't be a mess but it can help. Just as you childproof your home you can make many of the same preparations before an elder moves in
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My Mom is on a lot of heavy duty pain meds that cause constipation. When she was living with me, I gave her one 250mg. tablet of magnesium oxide daily, in the morning. This softens the stool and promotes peristalsis (contraction of the intestinal muscles that move the bowels along). Too much will cause diarreah, but I found that the 250 mg was perfect - soft and no diarreah. PLEASE - let us know if any of our suggestions have worked for you!
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I understand your pain, my mother also goes through bouts of constipation. I've learned the signs and symptoms and its never easy. Prune juice every other morning, stool softener daily, and last but not least Milk of Magnesia. The Milk of Magnesia works like a charm with only a half dose, but then have the dreaded clean up since she can't make it to the commode in time and refuses to wear the pull ups(depends). As disgusting as it is, I've learned to just go with the flow, no pun intended.
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bet she calls you d*ck head. those are both 4 letter words. its all beginning to make sense..
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i dont understand the four letter words your mother is emitting roscoe. whiny bit*h are both 5 letter words. sorry, it just seems that your caregiving for a frail elder without having much empathy for the ill elder. get her some GD chia seeds at the cvs, lightly boil them in a scant minimum amount of water and mix them with pudding or a drink that she likes. my mother died from her digestive system shutting down and instead of comparing it to hell on earth, we changed her diet and kept trying things. rice is the most nutritious food on earth per the amount of energy required to digest it. my mother still died but she died surrounded by love and understanding . you have a defeatist attitude imo and honestly im trying to be helpful in my own patented way.
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oh, wanted to ask, an old remedy for constipation is a spoonful of KARO syrup. but ask a doc before trying this. but thats whats always worked in this family.
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wow, and i thought dad and i butt heads! off the top, sweety, you need a mini vacay! ( vacation, even overnight in a hotel is a mini vacay when your broke) i recognize your stress. everybody is a bit different, but girl, i can clearly hear you ticking! ( meaning ticking time bomb, overstressed about to blow) when dad makes me like that i put the harness on my doggy and go to the beach.im learning a whole lot about seniors since i moved back here to help dad ( hes 87, still active, stuborn) first, she not fighting YOu, shes fighting loosing her youth. you probably say 'but thats not my fault shes older' true, but you have GOT to open your mind in a new way here. helping a parent is NOTHING like raising a child. you have to prepare yourself and realize its sad and scary when your body starts failing.
if she keeps saying she wants to go to the hospitol, instead of getting mad, try getting her a new doctor and TALK with the doc about whats wrong, what can you do for her. maybe she is sick, maybe shes not, but if you hear from the doctors mouth what to do when she wants to go to the hospitol, then you can get rid of a lot of the stress. also, straight up, you cant get frustrated with her. this is something YOU will have rework your brain to handle. shes not a kid. your not training her to be on her own. you are caring for someone thats going to get worse. i feel your stress i really do. but im learning to be a LOT more tolerant of things dad does,but i had to make my brain look at things different. he breaks into my room because 'theres no way a girl can put up a lock that i he cant bust through' and its an ego thing on his part. butting heads sure didnt work. i hate yelling,fighting. buying new door locks once a week was ridiculous, so i got creative. i turn on my camcorder sometimes when i leave my room. after showing him the tape of himself breaking in, it gave me a 'power' that didnt strip him of his dignity. make sense? dont be 'your 88 give up power' seriously, if someone said that to you, what would you say? you need to get creative and work WITH her. you take over each of her tasks as she needs you to. like, dad has this 'im not old' attitude and has a bad habit of proving this by doing things like climbing a ladder . or he starts a project, makes a mess, then walks away. so i just go in and finish whatever he started . since hes of he mindset that men know more about tools/repairs than women, this has really been a challenge for me. i cant tell this guy 'no you cant do that' hes an adult. i do put my foot down when it comes to ladders. he shuffles when he walks and trips on his big fat feet all the time and you want to climb a ladder? nope.so he challenges me. so i wait till hes asleep or leaves, then ill put the ladder in my shed .locked.
i know kinda long.. but girl you cant get frustrated with her. if you cant/dont want to rework your thinking, then maybe someone else should watch her.
good luck, your really not alone. you cant get mad. you just cant
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Roscoe, poop was such a daily part of my life with my mom that it doesn't even bother me any more. I even get the poopy end of the dogs now!!! Try a stool softener. They acted well for my 80 yo mom. My mom had a discharge from taking a post breast cancer drug that didn't go away after she quit taking it. For 4 years I dealt with trying to get her underwear clean even though they were changed every day. Started using Poise pads and the stench was so bad, we went back to doctors. Found out she had a fistula....a tunnel from her bowels to the top of her vagina. So every day she had pussy, liquid stool leaking out, with no way on earth to control it. Because of back surgeries, she could no longer wipe herself, so I had to do that......not to mention I had to wash her repeatedly during the day, frequently changing the pads. She died a week before she was to have colostomy surgery. I think elders just have poop issues due to medications and diet. If it isn't enough poop, it is too much!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!
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