My 78 year old mother drinks heavily…
I am currently in my mother's house so I see FAR more than my non-participative siblings [bro an MD!!!! sis a bi-polar sister w/explosive mania—both out of town].
I am greatly concerned about whether my mother's 'after 5' behavior is purely from the alcohol or God-forbid, dementia [this is the very first time for me to 'say' this out loud so-to-speak]. I am noticing increasing memory loss and am stressed beyond words. I have participated in Al-Anon for years & need to re-visit [it killed my father so I have seen how awful this addiction truly is—both parents for my entire life] and must add that am estranged from my siblings who are in denial & like to feel I am here taking advantage of my mother because it is so much more convenient for them in terms of NOT DEALING w/ THE ISSUES!!!! I am the handyman, honey-doer, lunch date, ceiling fan cleaner, chef to the stars, safety officer, crime watch captain etc…
Two nights ago my mother & I argued over an issue re: her forgetfulness and she was inebriated—I must add, it was more like me pleading for a lucid response which I know I cannot get from her in the evening but is the only time we have to talk since I work full time [w/handicapped adults]. I asked why she does not get her hearing checked [the tv is BLASTING] & she blurted/screamed that she is taking care of/worried about her eyes first [macular degeneration & retinol folding] which entails finances. I have asked her repeatedly to please let me know when she needs additional $$ for the Dr. appt's & rx's BUT SHE WILL NOT DISCUSS IT & chooses to drink it away every night making physical matter much worse than they already are. Please note that I do pay rent & for groceries & my finances are limited as well. I have approached my siblings MANY times but my mother makes me out to be 'dramatic' and again, polarizes my siblings, allowing them to remain [inactive] as they are as well as target me. I have tried EVERY approach I can think of & have even asked my mother to participate in mobile crisis counseling w/me which she vehemently refuses. I am interviewing for a second job next week but come home so exhausted from work that I often go to bed before 9 pm, also to avoid witnessing the drinking. I am perfectly miserable in this house & need to move on but am TERRIFIED that when I am not here to turn off burners or GAS that has been on all day or all night after I go to bed she will blow this place up and/or the neighbors—not to mention her falling inebriated in the nightly tub w/her glass container cocktail! To top things off, she told me the night we were having our 'heated' discussion—out of the blue—that if I lost 20 to 30 lbs. I would extend my life span—this was NOT a supportive remark, but rather hateful & biting. I have been very honest w/her about my deep upset & frustration about my [early] post-menopausal weight gain and just recently had my thyroid tested—next is hormones [hmm stress-related???]. It was so hateful & I am so very deeply hurt by this that we are not speaking [again]. She drove to her twin's home 50 miles away [just moved that FAR AWAY!!!] where she will spend the weekend & drink heavily w/her! My aunt also finds it most convenient to villainize me, as does her husband—sick, sick, sick dynamics & DENIAL. I must add that the binding force might well be that I am the ONLY family member that participates in Al-Anon which rattles them ALL to no end! Perfect alcoholic dysfunction!
So, do I hoard my $$ so that I can move out [while feeling horrifically guilty for not turning over all but what I use for my personal bills]? Do I rent a small apt. nearby for respite—again feeling guilty about not handing this $$ to her? I am @ my wit's end & the new 'hateful' behavior is more than I can put up with on top of everything else!
I am a very intelligent, well-educated individual but I also know that I suffer w/what I call Wonder Woman Syndrome. How do I prepare myself for 'that call' if/when I move out?
I have responded to so very many topics and am so very resourceful. I guess the proximity, history & emotions involved render me ineffective when it comes to my own mother. I am so isolated, have zero social life nor the energy for one & feel like I am 'whining' and/or not 'something' enough [self esteem has taken a huge hit!]. I will be signing up for counseling this week w/o fail!
The amazing people involved in this forum have offered such loving, supportive input, so in anticipation—THANK YOU.
If my mother [siblings/family] would just say thank you, I'm sorry, nice job ONCE IN A WHILE…or once.