Concern over elderly Mom's choice of assisted living for dad.
My 90 year old parents have wished to continue to live in their own home, despite my father's severe health issues, which made my mom his full time care giver for a couple of years. I have been struggling to try to get my mom to hire some in home care. She has not wanted strangers in the home, a change to their routine, and has had many fears about it. When I have visited, I have experienced my mom treating my dad very impatiently and scolding him much of the time. My mom has always been very controlling and subject to yelling at me as well, so I have feared what life has been like when I am not around. My dad is very cooperative and has been doing everything he could to be no bother. When I last visited, this had worsened and I was relieved when I was able to get my mom to consider some in home care. They have resources for affording this or possible assisted living, but my dad no longer understands their finances at all and my mom is confused about them and afraid to spent money. I have power of attorney on them both and feel certain they will not outlive their resources.
After my dad had a fall last weekend, my mom suddenly moved my dad into the cheapest board and care assisted living home she could find, close to where they live ($60 per day). I spoke with her as she was at the hospital with him, prior to choosing one and she was so overwhelmed and angry, she screamed for me to leave her alone. The hospital case worker and a non profit agency that took my mom around looking at places, shared that she claimed there was no money for care for him and wanted to only be shown the cheapest places.
While I was there a week ago, she insisted to an in home care agency person that they could not have anyone without perfect English, because my dad is hard of hearing. He is now in a place where there is very little English spoken. I have been unable to get someone there to arrange a time when I could try to speak with my father on the phone. From my Mom's description, I think he is deteriorating quickly.
I think that due the severe impact on her own quality of life, my mom is no longer to be compassionate about him. I realize this is pretty understandable after being his care giver for so long. But she is resistant to have us help in any way. I strongly feel he should be moved to a better quality place. I am 800 miles away and cannot get down there again for at least a few weeks without jeopardizing my work and own finances. My only sibling doesn't want to get involved and thinks I am overreacting, but they only briefly visit them yearly.
I don’t think that doing nothing is something I can feel good living with, despite likely some very ugly repercussions from my mom. I am wondering what others think and/ or if anyone else has had a similar situation.