Common-Law husband just up and left

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My common-law husband of 14 years moved out and left to care for both of his elder parents over a year and a half ago. His dad has dementia, and has declined. Also, three of his siblings are fighting over the parents' estate, with one brother actually having stolen their property with a quit claim deed. My husband has been in and out of court all this time, dealing with the police coming over. The brothers call the cops all the time to try running him off. And now the same brother who stole his parent's property is now filing for guardianship. While all this drama happened, my mother, who was only 67 passed away from cancer. I was her caregiver, but she wasn't really sick until the very end. My husband visited when she passed, but he refused to stay for the funeral, so this whole time, I have been left to grieve by myself, take care of my widowed dad, which has been very hard, and hold down the fort. My husband still pays a lot of our bills, because he gets residual income from insurance sales. He never will come visit, though, and always expects me to drive to him. The last time I went down to see him, we ended up in a big fight, because I wanted him to spend some alone time with me, and I rented a hotel. He refused to stay with me at the hotel, and never would leave his parent's house. He expects me to stay at his parents house 24/7 when I am down there and the house is awful. It's old, decrepit and has roaches and rats. He has a woman that helps him during the week, but she has been flaky lately and keeps calling in sick. My birthday is coming up next week and I asked my husband to come home to visit. He refused and told me that I am going to have to come to him, because he is scared his parents might fall, or need him. I am so lonely and depressed that I can barely function. He always turns things around on me and says that I am losing patience with him. Also, when I went down there last time he said some horrible things to me when we had that fight. He told me that he was pretty much "over" me, because we had been living apart for more than 15 months anyway, and that I was just a selfish b*tch who only goes to the gym and lives in luxury at my dad's house while he is suffering living alone with his parents' house and has no help. He also kicked me out of his parents' house that night, and made me go sleep at the hotel by myself. I ended up begging him back. I am stuck. I love him, and don't want to give up a 14 year relationship, but I am suffering beyond comprehension. His parents will always come first. Me, not so much. What should I do? Am I the one with no patience? He makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. In December it will be two years he has been gone, and he has only come home to visit three times. Also, we are not intimate anymore. He blames me sometimes and says it is because I nag him all the time. He also says it is because he has a lot on his mind. I feel like I am so unattractive now, even though I am only 42 years old, no kids, attractive and try to keep fit. He is 10 years older, quit working out and eats nothing but junk. I do nothing but worry every night about his health and stress. I don't know what to do, and my heart is hurting. Just to add, I do all the paperwork, computer stuff he needs, filing taxes, etc. You name it, I do it. We are four hours apart, but any time he calls me, I drop whatever I am doing and do whatever he tells me to do. I am his personal assistant, always have been. I guess I feel used too.

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I have a friend who's 68. Her kids have been grown since her 40s. She was married young and felt she needed to stay in a marriage with a man who no longer took her into consideration. He just sat around all day not wanting to do anything. Two years ago she told him she couldn't live with him anymore and he moved in with a son who was single. She has been enjoying life so much. She says she should have done it sooner. You are going to learn how to be alone with yourself. A group of woman I grew up with get together once a month for lunch. My husband is a golfer so I have gotten in touch with a few old friends and we have breakfast together and sometimes shop. You don't need a man that doesn't make you number one.
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It seems like in most marriages someone is always getting the short end of the stick. The only times that other people's marriages seem ideal to me are either when I don't know the couple well enough to know what their lives together are really like, or when the wife is really headstrong and totally accepting of herself, and her husband is supportive (but those are few and far between.) Your sister in law's situation sounds so off balance; her poor kids! One time on Oprah I saw a lady on bragging about her perfect marriage, and Oprah asked the husband how he does it. He said something like, "A little piece of me had to die so she can be happy"!!! My mom and I laughed till we cried. It was awful but probably a lot of people have been there. (I always wondered if that couple stayed married after that.)
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Lindylu, as a matter of fact, he is older, by 10 years! My emotions are all over the place today. One minute, I don't even want to talk to him on the phone, and the next, I'm so lonely, I cannot stand it. He is planning a trip down to come visit for a few days this week, and I'm not looking forward to it one bit. It's amazing how much my feelings have changed. I am working with a therapist, but we've only had a few sessions thus so far. She is really great, and I'm sure she'll guide me a lot more. I've been extremely blue today, because I keep wondering why I chose so wrong. Also, lately, I've been thinking about my spouse's sister, who is a total drug addict/alcoholic slob, who doesn't work, treats her husband and children like crap, keeps her house in shambles, never cooks dinner, and is basically a sloth, yet....HER husband works his buns off daily to provide for her & the kids, has her set up in a beautiful home, bought her a brand new car, worships the ground she walks on, and doesn't expect a thing out of her, plus bought her a $20,000 ring, which she happily rubbed in my face last time I saw her. I simply don't understand women like that who treat their men like crap, and get rewarded for it, yet I roll out the red carpet for my man, and I am nothing, but a secretary with no home, no nothing. It's silly to compare, but it just makes you wonder.....I am officially out of it today, please disregard!
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I just reread what you wrote earlier today. Is he older than you? My husband is about 10 years older and that "it will make you stronger" BS was ringing the 'older man' bell. That is not nice. You do deserve better, Laurieann.

Do you know what kind of change is better for you? Some people do better with a dramatic and quick change, others are better off taking little steps. (I like to imagine the big, dramatic fresh start, but in reality, that is just not how I'm able to handle things.) Good luck and let us know how things go.
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Laurieann, I know how you feel. It's really hard. Listen to your gut and keep trying to envision what you want for yourself. You have been through a lot. He should have been there for you and the way you feel makes a lot of sense. Even if you decide to stay together, just make sure you are looking out for yourself and that you are getting what you want out of it. Good luck this weekend!
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laurie -you are facing some very difficult times and decisions and your emotions seem to be all over the place, Decisions are best made when you are calmer and have considered everything thoughtfully. Perhaps this time together will help you move in one direction or the other.

I hope, as well as being concerned about him, you are concerned about you and what is best for you. You need an income - from him or from working at a job yourself. You need some plan for your future - with him and without him. I hope your therapist is helping you work these things out as well as reconciling with the fact that you did not get his support when your mother died. Is that a deal breaker?

I truly hope that soon you make a decision one way or the other, and then work out the details of that decision. Right now you seem to be caught in between. It is a painful place to be. (((((((hugs)))))
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And...did he worry about you! Why worry about him. If this man truly loved you he wouldn't have treated u like this. You owe him nothing. And in two years how do u know he hasn't cheated. Get out why you have some self respect. Better than be alone than with a bastard.
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I understand your point. He has been gone long enough to weigh the pros and cons of taking him back. He walked out on you once will he do it again. From what I am reading, he has a free secretary. Really, do u want to live like this the rest of your life. If u don't have a job, start looking. Like him, tell him your Dad is number 1. Look into what somebody posted, being common law ur divorced at two years. If you have a joint bank acct. you r entitled to half. See a lawyer. At this point he Is "comfortable". You have to have the courage to walk away.
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He actually is coming home for a visit this Monday. He says he is very excited to come see me, etc. The thing is, I am not excited anymore. I used to feel thrilled when I would see him, but now, not so much. The spark is definitely not there. He thinks everything is A-okay, because I talk on the phone like everything is normal. I am just in a rut, and haven't a clue how I am going to do what I really need to do, which is to end the relationship. I am not getting any of my needs met whatsoever. I love him, but am not "in love" with him any more. I keep thinking about him not being there for me at my mom's funeral service. It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to deal with, and I did it alone. He said that it would make me stronger in the long run, but all it did was make me bitter. The hardest thing about this is, I can't even imagine myself without this man. I worry about who is going to take care of him. I worry about hurting him. I worry about his health. I worry about him completely. All of that is what I can't put my mind around when I think of ending it. I don't know how people divorce after so many years. How does that happen? What is going to make this even more complicated is the fact that my "spouse's" first cousin, who he is extremely close to is married to my sister.
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Looks like this man is trying to protect his inheritance by staying with parents. My opinion, if there is no legal "marriage" then you just need to walk away. I wouldn't want to get involved with his drama. You have responsibilities of ur own.
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