Coming to terms with moving Dad out.

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My 84 y/o dad has been here for almost 3 years since my mom died. He was in bad shape, not taking care of himself etc because my mom was so ill. We moved him in immediately after her death in the midst of our grief and really believed we were doing the right thing. WRONG. We had no idea he would still be alive 3 years later, we essentially brought him back to life. Well now we have all had enough and his presence is taking a toll on all of us. My husband has the patience of a saint and is at the end of his rope. It's time to put my husband first. Do I have the right to move my dad out if I was the one who invited him in the first place? I have one brother who does the absolute minimum. He takes him about one or two nights a month( this is recent). His wife does not want him there. My father is completely lazy and is capable of doing a lot but just doesn't. My mom waited on him hand and foot and he just expects me to do it now. He basically sits in our family room and reads with the tv on all day long. He starts at 8 and sits there all day and night. No one else uses the tv and we are all in our rooms while he has the whole downstairs.,we have finally asked him to go into his room (flat screen, bed and recliner). He goes but we always have to ask, so tired of that. He does absolutely nothing to help out. Won't even get the mail. This is the biggest mistake of my entire life. I want it to end. He has no acute health issues so this can go on for years. We were fools for not setting rules, an exit strategy or anything. I have been whining about this for so long now. If my brother took him more often it would be better but he won't. So, do I have the right to move him into a senior apartment? He has the money. I know he will be very hurt but I feel I need to put my husband first. Enormous guilt. I am in my bedroom again and don't want to go downstairs because he is there. Reading it out loud sounds so petty but it isn't. When I was a kid it was just the way it was. Now as an adult I see his complete laziness and selfishness. He feels very entitled because I am the daughter.


A senior apartment? no, not if he is used to having other people cook, clean and do laundry etc. Assisted living would do him well, lots of activities, lots of people his own age. We took mom to tour several, including having a meal, and she actually was excited to make the move.
He feels very entitled because you are the enabler. Sigh. He has had a lifetime of being enabled and it would be a very hard habit to break. We could talk about setting boundaries, expectations, rules, etc. etc. but at this point I think your best option is to change the situation entirely.

It is your house. You decide who lives there. Decide that your Dad doesn't. You cannot require him to live in a particular place or even a particular kind of place. He is competent and can make his own decisions about that. But you can require him to move out. Offer to help him find a suitable place. If he needs financial assistance hook him up with a social worker. But regain your own home.

You brought him back to life. Good for you! You should be rewarded for that -- not punished!

Don't abandon Dad. Don't stop loving him. Visit him. Advocate for him. Help him solve genuine problems if he needs help. Just don't do it with him living in your home.
Set a realistic time line (4-6 weeks) to help him find a new place otherwise you could let it drag on for months. If he is on a fixed income you may have to help with moving expenses or deposits for services he may want like the TV. But it is a small price to pay to help with the new living (happy) arrangements. Good Luck.
Your husband and you must come first. I agree that assisted living would likely work best for him, but, as Jeanne points out, he will have to make the decision as to where he lives, himself. You need to make the decision that he cannot live with you any longer and set a dead line. Years ago my mother wanted to stay with me and a girlfriend temporarily. It was inconvenient but we agreed -temporarily. She expected to be waited on and contributed nothing -and I mean nothing though she was healthy and able. It became obvious that she had no intention of finding another place, so every night I sat down with her with the newspaper and looked for suitable places. After a few nights of this she got mad, blew her stack, and found herself somewhere else and moved, Set the rule now, it is never too late, that this is a temporary arrangement and give him a reasonable time to find another place. Offer to help him in whatever way you feel right about, but stay firm with your decision. Yes, he will be hurt and angry. I suspect angry more than anything, as his gravy train is being upset. Do not let guilt about that sway you. You marriage has to come first. You have given him 3 years to establish life as a widower. That is lots. Pat yourself on the back for what you have and will yet do for him, but do not allow him to stay in your home much longer. You can still visit him and take him out and hep him as you see fit.
Take care ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
The senior apartment has one meal a day or more if you choose plus an option for laundry and cleaning. When my mom was ill I cooked all their meals and brought them to their house. I am tired. Mentally tired. If he chooses AL that is fine too.
The senior apartment sounds good, or AL. I hear you saying you cannot go on like this, that you are tired. You will need to set boundaries or likely he will expect you to cook all the meals and bring them over as you did for your mum. Make it clear that you are not going to do that. I know it is hard to break family patterns but you can do it. He has the money he needs for the services he needs.

My mother is very self centered and expects me to run my life around hers. She is narcissistic and very demanding. Sounds like your dad is somewhat that way. Mother uses guilt to try to manipulate people to doing what she wants. If you are feeling guilty about your dad please try to let that go. You have nothing to feel guilty about. A healthy parent will not try to manipulate or use their children. Your dad has been using you. Sounds like he has a long history of that. As Jeanne mentioned he has been enabled and expects to be waited on. But, you do not have to do it. Decide ahead of time what your are comfortable doing for him -like, for example taking him to doctor's appointments, taking him out for a meal once a week or whatever works for you and your husband. You are not abandoning him, you are reclaiming your own life with your husband setting limits on what you will do for your dad, and still attending to things for him that fit into your life. It is not all about him, it is also about you and your husband, and the two of you are entitled to your own lives. It may mean that your dad will complain and then you need to decide how to deal with that. Tell him you have to go and leave, or get off the phone.

You are not obligated to do everything for him, and, in fact, it is better for him (and you) if you don't. ((((((((((hugs))))))))
First of all, I had to laugh out loud when you used the term 'exit strategy'.

And second, don't waste anymore good guilt on this decision. I won't go through the reasons your dad should leave as they have been covered here already and I have nothing new to add. Just don't feel guilty about your decision. You have to do what you have to do and for your family to shut themselves all up in their respective rooms everyday to avoid your father is horrifying. He needs to go.

Good luck.
You asked "Do I have the right to move my dad out if I was the one who invited him in the first place?" YES! YES! YES!

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