Child of a parent caregiver.

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I am not the caregiver but my mom is. My almost 90 year old grandma lives with my mom and dad. She has had Parkinson's for years now. I am married and have my own life but have become very ashamed of my mom's behavior towards my grandma. My mom shows all the signs of caregiver burnout. She refuses help, believing that she can take better care of grandma then others. I have told her that she needs to also take care of herself. I am ashamed that my mom has taken to verbally abusing my grandma out of frustration and lack of patience. My dad sides with my mom on this, stating that there is nothing wrong and that I don't understand and don't live at home. I have tried to distance myself from my parents because I do not agree with what is going on. My mom's siblings have been no real help. While I know my mom is very stressed out and she feels like she had made a promise to my grandma, relationships are starting to become strained. I have mentioned online support groups, therapy and having a nurse come to their house more frequently. She has had a nurse come in but still shows burnout. I don't know what to do as her eldest daughter and how to support my parents when I do not agree with what they are doing. I am wondering what other peoples experiences have been in my position. Any advice would be great. Thank you!

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Mother lives in an attached apt with my brother's family. After daddy died and mother began her own "decline" she would often complain to me about brother's temper and yelling streaks. She actually asked if she could come live with me--considering I am not the favorite kid by any means--I knew I had to step in and deal with this.
Turns out, brother was having some serious stresses in his life, of which my mother was unaware. He is physically quite a large man (he's well over 400 lbs) and his anger was frightening to witness--although when I talked to him, face to face, he's still my LITTLE brother and I was able to figure out what was going on. He was not being abusive to mother, just making the whole house feel his anger. She felt trapped and afraid.

Without question, he is burned out from caring for mother. BUT, he has chosen this. He pushes away most offers of help, and if any of the sibs besides me come to visit he "helicopters" around, making sure he know everything. He is not the POA, and I think that bugs him. My other brother makes all decisions for mother, this brother has to carry them out. I think that's part of the problem.

I guess my point it, you can offer, you can pay for extra care, you can simply go DO the extra care, but some people "enjoy" the martyrdom of the caregiving role. I think my brother does. He quit his 2nd job (he's an EMT and has always worked 2 jobs) to care for Mother. His health is not good and he sleeps a great deal. His kids are all grown and still living at home, but they all pay rent, so financially, he's finally doing OK. Mother pays several of the larger bills and upon her death my other sibs have all decided we will be sure he is "made whole" before any of us inherit. (Her estate is minute, really. Maybe worth $50,000 and 1/4 of that won't change my life one bit).

He refuses to say he's burned out. He refuses to entertain any thoughts of moving mother to an ALF, and we have the means to place her in a lovely one, but he refuses. I think he enjoys taking care of "the old bat" as he refers to mother.

I do as much as mother will allow me--she's really beginning a cognitive decline and is actually so much sweeter to be around, I am finally enjoying time with my mother. My other sibs are all hands off, and that's their choice. I do what I can to help the situation, and brother knows I am here and willing. Some people just do not want solutions they want sympathy.
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Caregiver burnout is valid, but it's sometimes hard for the caregiver to recognize it in the moment. They, quite possibly, need someone to step up and say "here, let me give you a hand."
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I must be missing something cause I don't see anything in her post which specifies the abuse. I read about a daughter who mentions she doesn't like how grandma is talked to but does not live at the home and has chosen to distance herself from the parents. I understand burnout & stress and by no means support anyone being abused. For all I know, Mom could be just venting to the daughter about the situation. I don't see enough written about what's going on for people to encourage she call and report the mother and think we all should be very careful of offering our advice on limited understanding. But perhaps we're back to me lacking the ability to understand what I dont see written in the post.
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I think I have a different take on this matter. Coming to an agreement is great, but I would act quickly if the parents don't get on board immediately.

Regardless of how much I love and respect my parents, I can't see me standing by if mom is verbally abusing grandma. I don't put this in the category of just minding your own business, if you aren't the actual caregiver.

This would be one of those things where I would politely inform my parents that since they have not taken measures to address the verbal abuse, impatience, burnout, etc., that I WOULD take measures to correct it. And then I would. I would do whatever I needed to do to correct it.

I would see an attorney to find out my options legally. I will not stand by and allow grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, siblings, or any family member to be abused in any way. Not going to happen. It's sad, but if they forced me to take action, that's on them, not me. Sometimes, you have to do the right thing and have peace with it.

Grandma is helpless and vulnerable. She needs protection. I'd ensure that happens. I wish you all the best of luck with this. Please let us know how it turns out.
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Would a small board and care home work for your grandma? Maybe even as a respite?
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Sweets, I hugely sympathise with the strain your mother is under, and I wish I'd had you for a daughter when I was going through the same thing - somebody to sit me down and say "oi. That's my grandma you're talking to. Mind what you're saying."

But there are ways and ways of putting that into words. Don't criticise. Instead, say what you would like to see. E.g. instead of "don't talk to Grandma that way" say "please be gentle with Grandma's feelings, she can't help how she is."

Don't distance yourself from the situation, but keep talking to your mother, and to your dad. Just by being there, you take a little pressure off every time. And you're right, your mother does need respite; but this is a classic instance where 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.' Do the legwork, find out what services are available, have everything set up ready, then keep making the offer.

If things get worse and you get frightened, you can always call APS for confidential advice, you know. Better to do that before you need to than after it's too late.
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Suggest a nursing home. Promises made can not always be kept. Many times, the family is against a nursing home for financial reasons. The state may take any assets she has. Mom deserves better as does your grandmother. Even stubborn people get accustomed to a care facility with time.
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If your Mom won't do respite for herself, then make plans with Dad to sit with Grandma while you take your Mother out for the day. Get to know her in this situation and offer comfort, and ask what would help her the most then do it without judging. If all you can do is take turns taking each parent out because they refuse to let someone else take care of Grandmother, then that's a start. You need to invest in your relationship with Mom and Dad, find out what they are going through and how you can help in the ways they want you to help. This is respectful, and honoring at the least, and in someway relieves caregiving for a short time and gives Grandma a break from having both frustrated with her ongoing.
I took care of my husband from the day after our wedding to his death 23 years later. His was total care - quadriplegic, wheelchair and bed bound for 20 years. He did not talk for the last 15 years, was on a stomach tube and needing suctioning for breathing. I married my second husband whose mother had Alzheimer's disease and for 3 years became her primary care giver. So, I know what they are going through and pushing and blaming and judging isn't going to take care of anyone, including you.
Please take the time to show sincere concern to each one of your parents and Grandma, one step, one conversation at a time. Don't give up asking, don't give up saying you love them and are concern about each one of them. Don't give up trying in gentle but persistent ways. Eventually, they will believe that you care and really want to help, if that is what you really want, they will see that.
Calling protective adult services is an extremely aggressive move and you have to be ready for legal and criminal consequences coming down on your parents if it deemed that there is real abuse going on. I would have a family meeting with everyone in the family, whether they want to or not, but please make sure you know what's really going on and have hard facts. the worst thing you can do is rush to judgement. Caregiver burnout is real and needs addressing directly through love and sincere concern, not through bullying and blaming and accusing. Care giving is truly one of the hardest things any of us will ever do in life, and we ALL will be a care giver at some point in our lives whether we want to or not, if we love our loved ones that is. We all will have to step in and help somewhere down the road.
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The above comments are, for the most part, very good observations and suggestions. I would just add that in my case, as in many others, the burnout issue is almost always due to limited funds. We have a few helpers who are outstanding and Mom loves them. But at anywhere from $25-$50 an hour, we can only use them VERY occasionally, when I have a well-paid project underway. That is rare now that I'm semi-retired and an almost-full-time caregiver for Mom. She sleeps so much that I sometimes think she might as well be sleeping in an assisted living facility. On the other hand, maybe she sleeps because she feels safe and protected, since she has always had trouble sleeping through the night before coming to us. She seems happy enough, even though I'm constantly aware of my shortcomings as a caregiver. The easy answer is "hire respite care", and it's a great answer -- if one can afford it! Most of us (or many of us) can't. But one thing it has done for me -- I have forbidden my son to take me into his home should I develop dementia. While I am basically glad I can take care of Mom, I do NOT want my son's wife and daughter's lives to be limited by me in the way Mom's disease is limiting my husband and me. When it's time, I will live with a cheap but clean and friendly assisted living or nursing home and hopefully still have enough sense to be grateful for it. But then, my son and I have talked this through so it will be clear that he is NOT expected to baby me and meet my every need, as was my mother's dream for her final years (after years of doing that for other people). Each situation is unique, but what I agree with from above is (1) no caregiver needs someone else second-guessing and judging how they're coping; (2) every caregiver will be grateful for occasional respite care from a family member; (3) it doesn't get any easier, so don't make commitments that will imprison you later in your own life; and (4) when you find yourself in a situation that is bringing out your "evil twin" and putting her in charge, the only solution I know is to back off, spend some time in the presence of your loving heavenly Father, and accept that what you cannot do for yourself, He can and will do for and through you. It does work!
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Is your dad supportive or does he expect all he is used to from his wife while she is totally consumed wit grandma.
You may be the eldest but this is not your sole responsibility. A family meeting is due now to sort out how the other siblings can help. Do not take grandma to your home for respite that will set a very bad president. By all means offer to stay in Mom's house so they can have a few days freedom even if they only go to your house for the break.
I am sure you think your mother would feel she was failing grandma if she went to assisted living but in truth she would be failing herself if she does not obtain the best care for grandma. Recognize that grandma is and will continue to get worse leading to more frustration for Mom.
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