Changes in the past few years...

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My relationship with my mom has taken so many turns...I didn't like her...I resented her.. she confused me...she hurt me...she needs me..I need her in some very strange way...she has become childlike...she is the first thing I think of when I wake up the last thing at night...she consumes me. My mom was placed under hospice care again at my request. I have watched her mind disappear right before my eyes in just a few weeks. She isn't eating much at all. She says she doesn't like food, it makes her tired. My emotions are raw I am pretty sure the folks at the nursing home think I am crazy. I am a hamster in a wheel that just goes around and around trying to fix things I have no control over. This isn't a rant and I have had plenty of those... these are just thoughts. Being a caregiver which I have been for 16 years to a delusional self-center mom that I thought being mad at was wasn't, watching her disappear is harder. Are you totally confused now ? Me too.... I dream at night that I am lost and my mom is sick I can't find the hospital or I am calling my dad on the phone who has been dead now 35 years and I cannot remember his phone number. I wake up exhausted. I go to work tired I go to the nursing home where she has been now a year and a half and straighten her room, chop her food, make sure the bird feeder is full go home, dream get up and start all over. No one understands they all say just deal with it don't let it consume you basically don't let it mess up their day because I have issues... ok that is enough for this day almost time to go to the nursing home. I realize there are not answers I realize this is life and we all live it.

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Thanks for sharing about being in the hamster wheel... validates so many of us.... you made perfect sense to me, and I'm sure to many others...... only another caregiver understands.... sending prayers for your weariness and some for healing your heart....

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