Caregiver challenges by narcissistic elderly mom.

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Well, I have been taking mom's verbal abuse my whole life..She's still at it..I want to move out but can't afford it..I am 60 and still feel like a child (that's the way she treats me but she's nice to everyone else..)she is 85 and works part time! (To avoid boredom and to get away from me she says..Dad left her well off..She doesn't have to work..) I do everything for her but she always finds fault and says I don't do anything or it's not good enough..If she has a situation, she'll complain about it and act as if she needs advice and I'll make suggestions and she'll yell at me and tell me not to tell her what to do.!!..If I straighten out her room for her she yells at me not to and to "leave her things alone!!" But if I don't straighten her room out she will yell and say " you're home all day and you can't even Make my bed!! When I'm out there trying to make a buck!" (In the meantime, I manage her meds, shes a diabetic on insulin, and several other meds, Dr appts, insurance issues, pay the bills, grocery shop, laundry, wash the floors, vacuum, etc.) Plus I have nursed her through a ton of surgeries through the last 8 years, dad's death, I took care of him too, and yes she does let me use her car (she has two) to do errands or when I work.. and says I need to work but when I do work, something always happens either I get bullied (passive aggressively by other nurses) .I never can make enough money to keep me from moving back home with her...So, here I am...I'm trying to regain my health after a bout with thyroid issues for a few months..Lost a lot of weight went down to 86 pounds, now back up to 96 pounds and waiting to gain more back before I go back..Yet ...she's always yelling at me if something doesn't go right in her life..She also said numerous times how she can't stand me, that I'm always around, let somebody else support me, etc, and then she'll send me out to the store...(Plus she closet drinks...) I confronted her and she says she can have a drink in her own house if she wants to and no one better tell her any different!!. Never gets drunk though,..Just gets sleepy and goes to bed early..She spends a lot of her off time watching cowboy movies, and sometimes the TV is so loud that I feel like I'm on a shooting range- complete with the sound of horse's hooves pounding the prairie!..right in the living room!! Next, there's the cattle drive..and the screams of cowboys and Indians fighting...Sometimes I wonder if all that violence stays in her head and affects her....Seriously, I almost bought her a pair of cowboy boots for Christmas, but didn't have enough money...She was diagnosed by two neurologists 8 years ago with dementia of the Alzheimer's type, (her sister developed it after being hit on the head or so the doctor said..She passed on in 1980). but mom doesn't handle changes well at all, only once she got lost driving, double dresses, can't remember the phone number sometimes, but the thing that bothers me is that she still yells at me and treats me like a child. I have relatives my age and she's nice as pie to them..She did admit right on Christmas Eve, "I know I yell at you.." I said to her, "well, do I at least get an 'I'm sorry' "? She said nothing...It's been going on my whole life..It's like she has to abuse me because she's got narcissistic personality disorder ..and younger sister is her favorite...I'm glad I found this site. Any one else going through this? My sister sides with her and says I spend all her money when in reality mom gave sis 17,000.00 as sis husband died and didn't leave her with anything..Go figure...But I wasn't supposed to know about it...Thanks for reading..Any thoughts would indeed be appreciated..

5 Comments

You need a plan to get out from under her control. You say you are financially dependent on her, but eventually she will not be there, what will happen to you then?
Hi and Thanks for the feedback..I am applying for jobs (full time) and I'll take whatever I can get right now..So yes I have plans of getting out I'm giving myself six months..I need to make enough to pay rent, a car payment, etc.she did say she was going to leave me the house but I can't trust h
(cont.d) her on that..I need to have my own place...My luck she'll leave my sister everything..And sis never bothers with her..She's too busy...
I give her credit, though, she stays away from mom. Guess I have to spend more time in my room until things get stable in my life..The doc today did say she does have dementia
With depression...Thanks for reading this..
(cont.d) Just to add, at the Dr.s appt. today she was very nice and put on this big act, so I told the Dr how she has been acting at home towards me and that's when the Dr said she has Dementia and that she will probably get worse, but when I take her to the next Dr. appt. to mention how she acts and to get another referral to a neurologist (she's seen 2 so far and won't go to another one)...Hopefully she will get on some new anti- depressant med...Also doc said that I can call her out on it and let her know that she needs to stop putting on an act...But I'd probably catch hell for it..The thing is, I say whatever it is I need to say to put her in her place (sternly, but in a matter of fact like manner, so not to be abusive like she is to me) She doesn't like it when I do but oh well, I'm entitled to tell it like it is. Major thing is, she does not come first in my life and if she makes a mess, I leave it for her to clean up.
This way, she keeps responsibility for her own stuff. Thanks for reading.
You really need to get out. My mother is also a narcissist and talented actress. It can be stressful beyond what any human should have to tolerate. I do not live with her, thank goodness, but I have noticed that the less I do for her, the nicer she is to me. I used to help her with everything, and she too was abusive and screamed at me a lot. She would actually try to give me the silent treatment by expecting me to stand there in silence for long periods, even though I did not live there. Sometimes she accused me of taking her money when I would do things like get her required retirement withdrawals for her checking account. Last year I finally could not take it when I was also moving my sweet, wonderful in-laws from another state who passed months after, dealing with a daughter getting committed, and a father in AL who also passed. I told her I do not need or want her money, and it was very liberating. I do not need the stress at 61. My wife convinced me not to totally abandon her.
Now I give her suggestions now about how she can get help, rather than helping her myself. When the subject of money comes up I encourage her to spend it on her own needs. Much less stressful, and I feel much better physically.
I am just waiting for a hospital event to send her to AL which she is very much against. But I will not take her home.
You are a person with worth, and you owe no one your life, even your mother.

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