I am 50 yrs.old and have been married for 34 yrs. My mother has lived with my husband and I for 9 yrs. It has taken a toll on our marriage.

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I have found that I have fallen out of love with my husband. He has never supported anything that I have done or stood up for me ever. I am only here because my mother absolutely loves him. Should I stay because of that or for once in my life make myself happy. It would totally devastate her. My sister does not help at all. I just don't know if there is a right answer,I am not happy.

22 Comments

Make yourself happy.

There is no reason why your mother couldn't continue to live with your then ex-husband, if he would have her. I know that people sometimes stay together "for the sake of the children" (with mixed results) but staying together for the sakes of the mother? ummm ... I think that is carrying things too far. Does your mother realize how unhappy you are, or have you been busy hiding that?

Do what you have to do to make the pursuit of happiness at least possible for you.
I too am 50 and have been married for 31 years. My husband and I moved in to my parents house and that lasted six months. Six months was hard and was affecting everyone. We are human and can do only so much. My parents wanted to stay in their own home and I think if they were capable in thinking straight - they would have seen the anxiety from me and never allowed this living arrangement. You have been married 34 years. Think about your marriage before your Mother moved in. Were you happy? DON'T throw 34 years away if this is something you can fix. I had to move my parents in to an Assisted Living- broke my heart. My brother and sister didn't want this - they liked me taking care of my parents and didn't take my feelings and well being into consideration. I have some what of a life now. I have a happier husband!
If you have not, get marriage counseling before taking any action. Leaving your marriage and your mom may not bring happiness. The stress of being a caregiver, even of sharing your family space with your mom, can cause problems not being aired and solved promptly, See someone you can talk this out with, then make a plan for your future. Good wishes for you all.
By your statement I can't tell if you have ever been happy with your married life. However, I am going to comment assuming that you once were happy. My husband and I have been married 33 years. We were the sole caregivers of my mother-in-law for 13 years. She lived in our home. The activity of taking care of her and raising 2 children through their teenage years took a toll on us emotionally, physically and mentally. We now have only the 2 of us at home. Slowly we are easing into a new life. During that 13 years, life was a struggle. Please hang on, if there is a glimmer of any happiness you shared before still there. It can be very difficult to talk about your struggles with your husband during these times. We found that privacy was limited. Respectful communication is so necessary. If you can, talk to your husband in private. Most likely, at some point your mom will no longer be in your home. Ride out this time 'together' as well as you can. However you handle this time, will set a foundation for your continued future together.
"One Life To Live" was the name of a soap opera, and the title infuses me.
You, my dear, have got to do something. Put all your options on the table. What are your options? List them. 1) Move out . 2) Move your mother out.
3) Move your mother and your husband out. Definitely seek counseling. Good Luck.
You indicate you have fallen out of love with your husband and that he has never supported anything you have done nor stood up for you. Your mother may adore him but he is your husband, not hers. What a profound statement that he has never supported anything you have done and you have been married to him for 34 years. He is who he is and you have only one life to live. You are 50 years old and if you are going to make a change or changes in your life that will bring you joy, I would do it. Yes, counseling is always an option but people only change if they acknowledge what they need to change and seek professional help to make those changes. Would your husband be willing to do this? Even if he were, you say you no longer love him so what would be the reason to keep this marriage going? Please consider your feelings and don't let your mother's feelings influence you. She has her life; you have your life. As difficult as this may be, consider taking the steps now to find your happiness. Life is too short.
CaringSol1 - I just read your comment about taking care of your mother-in-law. I've been doing this for 6 years and I'm burned out. I hate being the "daughter-in-law" and caregiver. My sister-in-law comes for an hour once a week and pampers her then I have to take care of her the rest of the week. I'll never be good enough in her eyes. I'm so depressed and hate I feel this way. How did you manage? I spend most of my day doing things for her such as preparing meals, laundry, meds. I also work a full-time job. We do have a Hospice Aide who comes and bathes her 3 times a week which really helps. I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing these things.

My relationship with my husband has deteriorated because we can't do things like we used to such as movies, shopping and doing church oriented activities. We can't even have our "time alone" without worrying about what she hears. We rush home from work to handle her needs then we have time for ourselves only about 1.5 hours before we go to bed and start all over again. I hate my life right now but she doesn't have enough money monthly to put her in assisted living. Besides, my husband promised his dad he would take care of her so he could pass. He has honored that promise thus far but it is hindering our relationship. I don't know what to do or where to turn? I don't do things I like such as sewing and crafting. I feel alone.
SadQueen7-this is my life, exactly. 6 years? I don't think I can do it. Do you ever go away on trips? We have trips planned that we are now cancelling. It makes me so depressed. Our lives are revolving around this. I hate how resentful it makes me feel.
Tucker, sometimes it seems like a person 'falls of out love' with their spouse, but in reality it's more likely they've lost respect for them. Ask yourself if this is the case, how did it happen, and what can you do to correct it. Believe me when I tell you, your husband feels the same way you do, but most men are a little less vocal then us women. Also, when we women take control of a situation don't allow our husbands to help like they want to, we tend to blame them. When all along many times a husband has been waiting for the permission from his wife to take over and let his wife have a rest. Talk to her husband, don't shut him out. Believe it or not, men have feelings too. ♥
I am one of 6 Children & have cared for my mother by myself and on my dime for the best part of 8 years.I was a newlywed, 12 days into a marriage when my Mother moved in with us. HIS idea, although I'm pretty sure he thought it would make me happy. He is such a self centered, demanding person that it did not take long for him to figure out that as time went by, she would get even more & more of my attention so the marriage fell apart. We never divorced, even filed for separation, but I have not even seen him in over 2 1/2 yrs. Awhile after moving home, only until i finally DEMANDED that somebody do SOMETHING a little over a year ago, no one ever did anything, but then it was only a weekend or 2 a month, 1 sister had finally begun to get her a little.) since I moved her back to her home & have tried to care for her here, but now due to the age of her home & all the repairs that keep popping up, my financial situation, (or lack thereof), my nerves being so bad I am getting in pretty bad shape myself now, I told a sister that lives local that we may need to begin to "look into" other options. Boy, she JUMPED on that, afraid I guess she would be stuck with her, she had her in an assisted living facility within 3 days,..but it is NOT the place for her. Mother needs to be able to do for herself a little better, the RA's are pretty lax when it comes to suggesting or being sensitive to her needs. I feel I am still caring for her but with her there, instead of here,..therefore it is MUCH harder on me now. Now, even though I have not seen him, or rarely even spoken to him on the phone, my husband has asked me to come back to him. 1 part of me feelsI am about to collapse from exhaustion and that I may need to do it just to have the "safety net", but part of me hates him for his timing, its almost that since my mother is not with me now, NOW he wants me. If you cannot take the good with the bad, thats a sign of a weak marriage, in my eyes. Yes, you have to look out for you, but you also have to consider has he been supportive as he should have been thru ALL your trials you've gone thru?,..he may have a mother too that will need help, what would HE do? Won't he age one day & need help? Who will help him? I think the way someone reacts to a situation like this, speaks volumes for how you can expect them to treat YOU when you age around them.
I don't know what to do myself & I am at the point where I am SO exhausted & confused, that how do I know that my decision is the best one, you know? Another thing, if I were to move back to be with him, then I would have TONS of guilt feelings for not being close to her to be able to come by and get her laundry, take her snacks & things, do her hair, get her on the weekends,..etc. This is a sad, situation, it just seems like it keeps going, & going, & going,..just thought of something else, of course when she moved into the smaller place, of course she had to have things, I ended up paying for all that, too, even though I had always been the one to take care of her. I think after this is all over, it would suit me just fine if I NEVER have to see or speak to my siblings again. This is just not the way I had envisioned her final years being, she was and IS a wonderful Mother.
I DO hope & pray you sort things out, but I think you should consider what I said about the good and the bad,..the point I was making, too is although we DID move my mother into Ass. Living, I am no more happy, have even less time, I just EXCHANGED miseries, that's all.

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