Confusion from narcissistic mother.

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I have wrote before about my mother before,she's 79 and pretty healthy, and has lived with my wife and daughter and me for three months, and we're all miserable at least half of the time. right now, she's okay for the last few days, but then someone will hurt her feelings on the phone, or not visit when they should and she'll sit and pick on everything I do,sleeping in recliner, smoking, what or daughter is doing,(which we told her was a off limit subject,we are the parents) and then I'll get fed up and yell back and she'll blow up and pout, and sulk,and in case we don't notice , she'll come in the living room with us,and then barely answer you if you speak to her, and not speak at all, until we try to ignore her, then she'll go in her room and close the door hard! She's a Dr. Jeckll and Mr. Hyde and she's always been that way, even when I was a child, that's why none of her kids want her to live with them, she tattles to each child about the other ones until most of the time we don't speak to each other. and I don't know how much more of this my wife and I can take. As I said, things have been good for a couple of days, but we do not know when its coming again!! I need to hear from some of you that are going through kinda the same thing. Maybe we can help each other!!


hmmm she sounds like my realitive I care for, exept she isnt a narrsasit(sp) at least that I know of. She hasnt always been this way. We think its dementia of some sort. I think when they have a strong personality it becomes even stronger. Mine comes out to our part of the house and does the same things. One of my kids eat to much, one shouldnt leave her baby doll on the floor, oh my should he touch that? yes its his. Havent you left yet? are you awake? Should they be playing in the back yard? Is that a napkin in the floor? Souldnt you be out mowing instead of setting in your recliner????? Oh my whats on the t.v. Can you turn that down?(how bout you go bck to your apt,), I wouldnt let them go into my bedroom!!!! These are all just minor everyday nice questions...then you have the days where she is being MEAN!!!!! I won't even get started on those comments, if I dont set down and visit with her and give her my full attention she gets mad stomps off to her room smarting off, If i DO stop what i'm doing I get stuck for 1 1/2 to 2 hrs or better, having useless converstion about what im doing /not doing/how ive gained so much weight ect. or looking at the floor until she decides to go back to her apt. Ive lost 2 hrs. of chores and am to upset to remember where I left off, or so emotionaly drained i go hide out in my room.Then she complains that the house is messy, or our family of 7 not including her, has to many clothes. She would just give them 2 outfits a piece they could wear them for a couple of days in a row then switch to something else while those are being washed, I have 3 boys...2 girls not about to let them get made fun of for being dirty. on and on and's been almost 2 years. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Could there be worse things in life? most definatly! But this hits hard in the emotional, nerves part. 3 months after she moved in with us...I cried and prayed to God one night, to please do not let this last long. If shes depressed please bring her out of it...6 months down the line...It was very apparent she has more going on then depression, whitin the first year it only got worse, I had to endure a whole summer, with her and the children..we had almost a daily dose of 3 year old meltdown coming from the elder one. Into the second year she got Ill around Christmas, went to nh for rehab..ya!! respite finaly for at least 21 days...wrong she has a meltdown first day in nh...they couldnt make her stay, And I couldnt either. So here we are. She made it through 2 health declines, I thought this last one might do her in(so did the doctor) or at the least make her more home bound to her apartment so the kids wouldnt have to endure her insults. Just when I was thinking we might be o.k. this summer, she might stay in her room more...Nope, the last few days shes been coming back out, and up to her old tricks. Today she informed me she was back to her walking (meaning coming out into our part of the house every hour to get some exercise) i.e. being nosey she really only makes it to the table then sets down and comences her negativity. When its clear we have had our fill she goes back to her room. My kids and I are lalways polite(if she were my mother I would tell her a thing or two). Now some may say that its mean of me to talk like this, that I should cherish when she makes an apperance to visit...that I should understand her, be happy when she attempts more those I have no Idea what its like to live with some one with dementia, whos main symptoms are behavioral not memory wise. To take care of someone who has not lost their ability to remember and act for themselfs so treating there behavior/deppression/dementia is up to them but because of their very poor judgment and paranoia they refuse the meds that will make them better. While your mother and my realitive have different diseases it sounds like the same behavior issues. very frustrating. I understand. How old is your daughter? I should also add..That I love this woman very much and do want the best for her, couldnt stand seeing her in the situation at the nh. We Poromised she wouldnt have to go to a nh. So I also feel a lot of guilt. I want to be the person who shows her love patience(and believe me I try very hard) to make her last season in life a happy one with lots of laughter and special moments...but you cant if they wont let you.
Thank you for your writing back, it does sound like you know what I'm talking about, our daughter is 15 and my mother only has a couple of grandkids she cares about, the rest just do not exist, my daughter is one of those. our daughter says it doesn't bother her, that she is use to it, but it bothers me!!! They just kind of ignore each other, and that is the only grandmother our daughter has left and for peace's sake we just try accept it, as the way it is, but it's my daughter and I can't help but resent do sound like you try very hard, and I admire you for it,we're trying too. But it is hard, I feel like we're living with Dr. Jeckll and Mr Hyde. She can make me feel worthless,and such a failure, and even though I know better,I hate the way her picking, and sulking make me feel. I appreciate you taking time to answer. I know that talking to other people with the same problems will help.

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