Caring for a Mother who never cared for me.

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I find myself in a position that I never thought I would be in. Moving my Mother into our home. I am trying to deal with the resentment from years of abuse and outright hatred from her. I just want her safe and taken care of. I am crying as I write this. I'm not normally one to air the "poor me" attitude. It is hard to care for someone that has brought this on herself with heavy alcoholism and lack of empathy. She won't do the easiest of tasks, wanting to waited on hand and foot even though physically she is able. Moving her in has also caused a huge financial burden. I guess I just need to know how others deal with this.


Well, you have already moved her in which unfortunately was a mistake. I have the same abuse issues as you. I love my mother but would never be able to live with her. She has Alzheimer's now, is incapacitated, cannot live alone anymore. We (sis and I) have DPOA. We are in the process of having mom placed in an assisted living/memory care unit. I realize that this is not for everyone due to finances or just that you feel it is your responsibility to take care of mom. By placing mom, we are taking care of her. We will visit regularly (we have to continue to work to support ourselves), advocate for her care so that she is getting the best care possible. I know my mother does not want to be placed and is going to be very angry about it. She had the foresight to buy a LTC policy to cover just this expense. Mom had 3 siblings who developed Alzheimer's, plus my dad passed away from Alz. Does your mother get SS, if so,insist she pay a portion of the utilities, groceries, and is only fair. By all means, set boundaries with her. Don't wait on her and and foot when she is able to do it for herself. I can see you cooking a family dinner in the evening that includes her, but let her get her own breakfast, lunch and snacks and insist she clean up after herself. Draw up a contract stating what she is accountable for and have her sign it. You need to stand your ground and don't let her take advantage of you. Good luck and keep us posted on what is going on and how you are doing. Hugs to you!!
Hi Punkydoodle, there seems to be a lot of caregivers on this forum who are in your shoes -I am not one of them but I do think you are in good company. There is a separate thread about caring for the narcissist parent also that you can check out on here.
I am so sorry you are so upset. I think you may need to ask yourself if you really need to be the one to take care of your mother -hands on. Can she be placed in an assisted living home? From what I have read on this forum choosing to take care of an elder that was neglectful and/or abusive to you growing up is very hard. Please take care of yourself. God bless!!!
Yeah, it's too bad the mom is already living in your house, now it'll be harder to change. I don't understand WHY it always seems that "taking care" of a parent, USUALLY means moving them in. I think that as long as they're being cared for, not living on the street, not starving to death plus getting regular medical attention, it shouldn't HAVE to be under the same roof as the adult children. Right? What's the problem with that? I don't get why it's so automatic to move them in. Doesn't make you any less compassionate does it?
There is a thread on this site titled "Two years ago my mother moved in...." survived2 is the creator. Her story is about an abusive mother who she allowed to move in with her, husband and children and how her mother was destroying their lives. She evenly was able to get her mother out with the help of a social worker. I suggest you read it, it is long but you can read so much each day until to feel you have learned what survived2 went through. It is worth it. Also I just to say that many middle aged adults take in a parent/s who have dementia because of financial reasons. Not all elderly people have planned financially for their golden years and many want to leave an inheritance so their adult children take care of them for those reasons. Some to it because they believe it is their duty to their parents. No, because you place a parent in a community does not mean you are less compassionate, loving or a bad person. It means you have made a decision that is right for your situation. No one should judge another because what they chose is different from them.
Punkydoodle, it is a hard road you are traveling. It is the same road I am on. Many of us have parents that should have never had children. They were awful. Many of them still are, and some are even worse. If it hasn't changed, you will probably find yourself reliving every resentment from the past. Most people will tell you to just let things roll off you. In fact, I would say the same. After being with my mother for over 3 years, though, I wonder if letting things roll off us too much is self neglect.

I don't have the answers. We can adapt ourselves, but we are not the problem. If you are like me, you'll start questioning what your part is in the bad feelings -- are you the one behaving badly causing your mother to behave a certain way. My aunt helped me with that one. She sent me back word after her death that it was not me, it was my mother. No, it wasn't a psychic message; she told my cousin to tell me. What a gift that was to hear.

The only advice I can give is to learn to start each day new. When you get up, something bad from the day before may be chewing at you, but start the day with a "good morning" and take it from there. Fortunately, there are a lot of good days. If you find that it is not working having her live in your home, look for other options SHE can afford. This will sound a bit harsh, but I know our parents made their own beds, but they want to lay in the ones their children made and mess it up, too.

I hope your mother will change for the better. She is going to have to get up and do for herself, though, or the resentment will be awful. My mother is also a lazy person and it is hard just watching them sit, while their Cinderellas do their bidding. I mean, like really, where do they get off! (My own anger is really coming through here. Sorry, everyone.) It is hard to have any respect for lazy people, so set up some tasks that she is to do. If she doesn't like them, then fine. She knows where the door is. Your house, your rules.

I hope you have a lot more good days than bad. Fingers crossed that it can work out for you. I could write a book, but the past few days here have not been good, so I would probably sound like a mad woman.
I forgot to mention other great ways of dealing with it -- long walks and lots of time out doing enjoyable things.
The best way to deal with this, in my opinion, is not to take care of your abusive, neglectful mother personally. She is most likely eligible for Medicaid. See to it that she has a clean, safe facility to live in. Visit her if you are so inclined. But get her out of your house!
I totally know how you feel, I myself am taking care of my controll freak mom who has alzheimers. And have come to realize, that nothing is ever good enough 4 her.Tonight 10 min before dinner was ready she asked my 18yr old to give her a bowl of cereal. I said dinner will be ready in mins. She got her way.when I served her dinner which she said she would eat, she took 2 bites. Hows that supposed to make me feel. Didnt get ang

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