Caring for father-in-law.

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My family has cared for my father-in-law for the past 3 years. We were living with him until I had to start caring for my father and his wife. I was traveling back and forth. JHR (father-in-law) became irritated because he was not being cared for all the time. He got upset when I was away with my 2 girls. He then kicked us out. I was doing the best I could with full time work and full time school. We moved to my fathers and stopped caring for him for a while. Then his health got my husband back. We got a rent house so that the kids could return to school. I was still caring for my father until he passed unexpectedly 6 weeks ago. My step mom is in bad health with small cell lung cancer with not much longer to live without treatment, she is 72. Her family is now caring for her. JHR is on dialysis 3 times a week, has congestive heart failure, one valve of his heart working properly, diabetes, and wants to remain at home. He is still of sound mind and body, uses a walker after coming home from the hospital on Sunday for the second time in 3 weeks. My husband is now living there with him. I am cooking for him and cleaning his home.He misses so much work with his father in and out of the hospital we are having to move back in with him at the end of the month. I swore I would not move back in because of the disrespect he has given to me and my children. I am scared it will happen again. He is a selfish person and does not want to go to a home or have anyone besides us care for him. He has never apologized for the way that he acted when I was care for both him and my father. I have to move back with my kids because I cannot afford to pay the bills without my husbands income. He promised his mother when she was dying of small cell lung cancer he would not let him end up in a home. I lost my mom 15 years ago to small cell lung cancer. I am reliving my mother and father's death every day. We have set on the edge of our seats for 3 years with JHR health. I don't know what to do. He wouldn't stay in the home if we put him there. He would never talk to us again. His other 3 children will not help to give us some relief. I have no more answers and don't know how much more we can take. Please help. What do we do? Where we are going to does not have the room for us. My husband will be in the house with him so he can make sure he is ok and my girls and I will be in the top of the garage where we put 2 rooms before. Feels like camping out with no bathroom or anything. JHR has signed his property over to my husband so we have something for caring for him. We would like to add on so that we are all comfortable but without my husband working all the time we can't risk getting a loan and then loosing the property because we can't afford to pay. I just want one day of peace and happiness after all that we have endured. My husband feels he can't send him to a home and go against what he promised his mom. No one seems to have the any answers because of the way his father is. He will not go to a home, he is now 83 years old, he feels as long as he can walk and go to his dialysis appts he doesn't need to be in a home but cannot live alone anymore. Any answers would be greatly appreciated.

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CR: You are in a difficult position. Your husband seems determined to take care of his father and live with him. You can not afford to live on your own with the children. Your husband cannot work if you are not there to help with your father-in-laws care. The financial security of you and your children depends on your husband being employed full time.

So you and your husband need to have a real heart to heart talk. He needs to remember that he has a wife and 2 children to support and they can't take a back seat to his father.

My recommendation would be to call your local Area on Aging and see what they can offer your father-in-law in the way of in home help and care. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of time before a decision has to be made. Nevertheless, no decision is for life. Changes can be made in the future.

If you find you have no choice but to move back with FIL, then stay on track with finding help through your local area on aging. Get into a caregivers support group and make sure that your husband is willing to accept the idea that this arrangement is short term.

My hope is you will find a way through services available to make FIL's care easier on you and give your family time to think of alternatives.

Your husband sounds like a man who believes in promises, however misguided. Maybe he can also be convinced that honoring his wife and children take precedent over his dad's demands.

I hope you can lead your hubby to a better awareness in time. Please research all areas of help for FIL and don't take on all the tasks of his care.

Wishing the best for you and please stay in touch. Cattails
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You are not seriously considering moving back in, are you? OMG, sounds like a disaster.

If your husband is missing so much work he cannot support his family, something has to give. How about FIL paying for the services he is getting from his son? Or paying someone else for those services, so Hubby can go back to getting his career on track?
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I would have a serious chat with him before you move in again. The reality is that if he wants you to care for him he needs to be gratiful and treat you kindly. Nursing home care is not cheap. If he could get full time home care(which is really not possible) it would be expensive too... Your children can learn some valuable lessons however they could also learn some things that are not appropriate.. I encourage you to get into a support group and take care of you as well! I have done in home care for loved ones my Grandparents and my Father, I know it is not easy... take care
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