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Hi everyone. I'm 47 years old and live in the home I grew up in with my mother. She just turned 79 in late July.

My mother is obese (5'6" and over 300 pounds), is on medication for blood pressure and cholesterol. She has two coronary stents. In late 2005, she started having some vision problems due to circulation in her eyes. Because of her weight, she has some mobility issues/arthritis.

In spite of this, she is in better shape than many others I know who are her age.

She's always been demanding and prone to bad temper, but over the last month, it's gotten a lot worse. Right now, she hasn't spoken to me for almost FIVE DAYS all because I went out to dinner with my significant other on his birthday and came home around 11 that same night. She was mad because she had to get up out of her chair, go in the kitchen, and cook something.

I had brought her some food from our dinner and she basically said "I eat more than once every 30 - 40 hours; shove it up your a**; go take it to your significant other and his family, they're all you care about anyway." I had told her in advance we were going out to dinner and I would be home later.

Since then, she won't say anything to me unless it's in a sarcastic or hateful tone of voice. When I called and asked her what she wanted to eat before I left work on Friday, she said she "hadn't thought about it" and hung up on me. When I was getting ready to go out with my signifcant other last night, she said "I see you're getting ready to go work your corner again." (Yes, my mother basically called me a whore.)

I am going to call her doctor tomorrow and request a face to face meeting with him. I really believe she needs some medical help. I'm at the point now where if I DO go out, I'm afraid to go home, not knowing which side of her I'm going to see.

This makes me angry. I bring the paper in for her every day, bring in the mail, make sure the checks are written so bills are paid, do the laundry, take out the trash, go to the store for her. I do clean the house--not to her satisfaction, but I do the best I can.

She doesn't like my significant other, but it seems that she's becoming more resentful of the fact I have a life and do social things. A few weeks ago, when I told her that I was meeting some friends after work to see a movie, she said, "so that means you're not going to feed me?". I said, "I will bring you dinner AFTER we leave the movies and that will be sometime after 7:00."

She won't go anywhere--I've tried to get her to go places and she won't.

I'm sorry, but I don't deserve to be treated like this. I just need to vent.

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Sweetie, I feel so sorry for you and this is a good place to vent. My mother is also mean and verbally abusive. I am 46 and have a husband and two children and take care of my mother and father. My mother is the mean one and she is 80. My father is the sick one and is usually nice.

Do you live with your mother to take care of her? It took me 20 years to tell my mother that if my health keeps going downhill from dealing with her bad temper and demands that I will have to stop taking care of her all together. Of course, she does not think that possible, but I am at my wits end too.

Tell your mother if she can get along without you, try! I can't stand when my mother doesn't talk to me and ignores me, it gets me sick. But, I have been told that if you hold your ground for a couple of days, they will come around because they know they need you. If you can do it, good luck. I couldn't.

Hang in there,
Marylynne
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D ear Divabella
You are at the right place-since I'v been here I am no longer depressed. Taking her to a doc is the right way to start. It sounds like she needs counseling but she probably would refuse; after all she thinks the problem is with you. You tell yourself you DO NOT deserve to be treated like. I have been told that people usually treat the ones they are dependent on the worse- I can not understand why that is-I wish I could find a book that explains why that is I would like to be able to understand it. It is so hard for many of us to stand up for ourselves but if you are able to take baby steps and hang tough it will get easier -it may be very hard but she only has you people like her usually don't have friends-those her age do not want to be around glum people esp. when you are older. Dear lady keep commming back to this site- you are in my heart and mind.
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Seems like your mother is jealous of your life since she doesn't go anywhere. That is not your problem and don't feel guilty. She has made that decision of not wanting to go places, she is lonely and that is why she wants all of your attention. Don't cave in. You deserve a life too, continue to live your life and attend her as much as u can. She is playing mind games with you because she knows that it hurts you. Like Marylynne said, hold your ground. You continue doing for her even if she doesn't speak to you. The most important thing is not to feel guilty, enjoy life as much as u can.
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I am sorry you are going through that. I helped to take care of my grandmother when she was ill (this was in 2002 I think i was in like 6th grade or something) anyways it is not your fault. I did think that when I was dealing with it, however now that I am working in home health care I have come to realize what they say most of the time they don't mean, although other times they do. Just keep telling yourself you are doing the best you can do, and hang in there, it will get better, especially if you do see her doctor. I would recommend going and seeing him yourself first then taking her in. We have had to do that at work. It is not your fault.
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You do need to vent. You do need to take care of yourself. Your mother is afraid of losing you, so she is controling your life. Don't let her. It's painful, but you'll have to get her help. Your county adult social services can do a welfare check on her, if you call them. They will help you figure this out. She obviously needs more help than you can give her. She'll be angry, but let her be. You deserve a life and you don't deserve to be abused, or afraid. I'm glad you can see that!

Take care of yourself,
Carol
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To Divabella, I am really sorry that you have to endure this... What is it that happens to someone when they become older that makes them think it is okay to be so rude.... I have this issue with my Father. The big difference is I do not live with him. Perhaps you should arrange some Meals on wheels for your Mom and some other help and take some time off. I do a respite program for folks with Alzheimer's disease and I know that alot of communities offer respite services. These services are at a minimal cost or may be funded by a grant. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging and see what programs they offer. Or contact your local hospital often they have in home health care workers that can assist you... I know this is hard, believe me but people can only do to us what we let them. PLEASE take care of yourself... J
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Divabella,
My Mother lived with me for 6 years with advanced emphysema. I left my kids(grown) and life in Maryland and moved to Arizona to take care of her. I had to work full time (and went to college) while we lived together. She did NOT want to live with me at first. She was given a choice by Hospice to live with me or be placed in a facility. We had our ups and downs also, but when she was nasty and petty to me, that was the hardest times! I used to get her a lot of snacks like cheese and crackers, fruit, yogurt, things she could get and eat herself for the times I was late getting home to feed her. I actually got her a portable fridge for her room so she could keep everything handy. She was on oxygen and at times found it hard to walk to the kitchen. She sometimes would still call my brother or sister and tell them she was hungry, which turned into "Gina is starving our mother" and created a hostile environment but we got through it. I knew that I HAD to keep a private life though, my boyfriend actually moved to Az with me. He is a different race, which created a whole other set of tensions. It is a struggle to keep a personal life but you have to, no matter how your mom reacts. I could go on and on! My Mom passed away a year ago and I will say that through all the family drama we had together it was worth it.
Take care of yourself first!
Gina
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Go, Gina! Good for you. You've had rough times, but you also have a lot of strength. I'm glad you made the effort to take care of yourself, while taking care of your mother, as well. That's a great story.
Carol
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to Divabella: My mother is the same way with my husband- she resents him and is constantly picking on him. Finally, one day, I had had it- I told her that he was my husband and I was tired of having her try to turn me against him or come between us...I explained how much we did for her, and it seemed like she didn't appreciate it, or thought someone else could do it better. I told her that if that's what she would like to try, I'd be happy to move out. I felt so much better after I told her how I felt..things were okay for a few days actually, but now it's back to more of the same.

It's almost like they need to be given boundaries as they get older..if they don't have any, they get terribly mean. My dad did as well before he died.
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Divabella, I have been where you are and you definitely have to live your own life as long as you can. When my Mom was still able to live on her own, she always wanted to have me to herself. She never liked any boyfriend of mine, and always wanted my friends to be her friends also, rather than having her own. She would almost always 'get sick' when I made any plans to go anywhere. Now she lives with me and I can't go anywhere besides work, because I have to pay someone to be with her and I can't afford any extra hours other than when I go to work. We are practically joined at the hip. You absolutely must have a life while you can. Believe me, things could, and might, get worse, so live as much as you can now.
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Hi Divabella,

You do realize that your mother's medical conditions are more than likely self-inflicted--products of her obesity. My bet is that she is somewhat like my mother, filled with bitterness and eating herself to death.
You need to move out. If that is not possible you need to look you mother in the face every time she is disrepectful and tell her that you are not going to stand being spoken to in that manner. The guilt is just a way of tying you as close to her as possible so that she can control every aspect of your life. Let her get he own meals and do her own housework. It will be healthy for her to have some activity.
Get your own place, get free. See your mom on a regular basis to help-if she will treat you with respect. Watch an old movie called Now Voyager with Betty Davis. It will inspire you. Good luck.
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Yes, it's amazing what standing up and saying, "I won't be treated disrespectfully anymore," can do. Even people with dementia can get it when you won't let them walk all over you. I've always had trouble with this, but I've learned a bit - I hope to get better at it.

Nobody deserves to be disrespected, and if a person realizes they will lose their "target" and all the help that goes with having this person around, if they don't change, they will change. You have to be firm and consistent, though, or it won't work. This is your life you are talking about. This is important. Please stand up for yourself.

Carol
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Hi Divabelle--My mother can be verbally abusive too, you need to stand up to her and not let her get away with it. My mother was mad because I told her that I was going home on Sun. because I had to go to work, she verbally attacked my husband, then me, she doesn't want to stay at my brothers all week and come home on weekends, nor does she want outside help in during the day and week. I don't think its fair to expect me to stay there every night, go to work, then go back, I'm married, have my own place to keep up too, you just have to be firm, I feel guilty because I get angry but my mother was doing this even before she got sick, stand up for yourself, you're doing the best that you can, you deserve a life and friends too.
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It's important to know if this is a personality change or not. Often, it's just an increase of how the person treated you all of your life. Mari is so right that we need to stand up for ourselves. No one should suffer abuse, even if the person doing the abusing is ill. Changes have to be made, if that is happening, or you own health is in danger.
Carol
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I am sorry u are in this situation too. I am there with u the only difference is I am 41 not married have one 23 yr old son. if i go out to dinner or something with a friend i hear about it when i get home. I don't ever do anything with my friends or go hardly any where with out my mom. I feel guilty when i do, i stay depressed and i am at the point where i don't want to get out with friends. This is bad but i really don't know what to do. I am open for any suggestions please.
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Hello all, has anyone considered assisted living for your parents? It's expensive but many states offer help provided your parents meet the eligibility criteria. I'm working through that now. My mom is 78 years old, has mild dementia, has poor balance and weakness after a stroke 8 months ago. I've practically gone broke paying for caregivers for her (I live in GA in she lives in FL). She's as mean as a snake at times to the ladies who I pay to take care of her. She's cussed out and chased away one caregiver. She gives the lady who picks her up to take her to church a hard time and cussed her out because the lady tried to make her use her walker (which she hates!) so she would have an easier time walking into the church building. When she was in rehab after her stroke, she cussed out her caregivers for trying to clean her up after a bathroom accident, accusing them of trying to "look" at her private parts!!! She refused to complete her in-home therapy which would have improved her strength and balance so now she walks like a toddler. When she visits me for extended periods, I can't even go to Walmart for more than an hour before she's calling me. I love my mother and want her to have as good a quality of life as I can give her but she has fought me tooth and nail along the way. I've decided that if she's going to act like an a**, she can do it in an assisted living facility where she can get more socialization and supervision. I'll visit monthly (instead of me doing the 5 hour one way biweekly drives), bring her to her home when I'm there and to my house in GA for extended periods from time to time. Phew! that was long! Good luck everyone, but do consider assisted living. There are some really good places out there and it is possible to get help with funding!
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Assisted living is a wonderful option. Elders often fight it, but when they get in a community with peers, they make friends and learn to love it. The caregiver is still a vital part of life, but the whole load isn't on one person.

Cost and quality of services is a huge factor in assisted living. In my area, quality is anywhere from "good" to "When can I move in?" However, cost is factor, and with our health system, it's unfortunately harder to get help with assisted living costs than nursing homes, if the elder doesn't have a lot of assests.

Assisted living can cost less than a lot of hours of in-home, however.

Good to hear it's working so well for you.
Carol
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around my area i would not put my mom or any family member their. I have worked in the assisted living industry here in western ky an i guess that is why. I have seen some stuff i wish on nobody's family member to go thru cause they (family) will probably never know what really happened to their parents or whoever it may be in the assisted living. It is great in some cases, if u can afford the cost and get a good place. In my case it is not an option.
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Hi Divabella,

Like you my mother has tried to control me by making me feel bad about anything I do for myself. I could not keep my mother in my house nor live with her because of the word/mind controling hateful things she would say that hurt very deeply. Mother is in an nursing home, near by, where I control the visits and phone calls. If she gets ugly with me I leave. Mother is in a wheel chair and can walk if she has help but not by herself. I'm the only one in the family that will even try and take care of her. You must take control of your life and what is happening. Hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Terri
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thank u so much. my mom is in chair but can walk with help. I have 4 older brothers and like u don't help i am the only girl and the baby of the bunch so to speak. i can relate to ur situation.
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Divabelle
You need to keep standing up for yourself and letting her know it is not allright to treat you the way she has been-keep telling yourself you should be treated with respect-it was very hard to let others realize I am important and should be respected esp. and mostly the husband he is finally getting it.
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Lately I've come to two conclusions about caring for our elderly parents: First, one has to use "psychology" when trying to get them to do something you want them to do, especially when you know they don't want to do it. You have to present them with two acceptable choices for them to choose from. "Do you want chicken or fish for dinner," for example, when beef isn't an option. This makes life easier and is way better than arguing. The second thing is, you can't always count on family to help. That's just a given. Part of the reason that I haven't brought my mom to GA (besides the fact that she doesn't want to come) is that she has more of a support system Where she is in FL. I've got loads of cousins who live not too far from my mom but none of them even darkened her doorstep when she was in the hospital or rehab after her stroke or have visited her since. Only one of her friends comes regularly. I've simply accepted that people are the way they are and I've just got to deal with this on my own. When my mother was well, she was always visiting friends and family in the hospital or nursing home and regularly taking them plates of food. I see now what it means to store up your treasure in Heaven because your sure as heck don't get much of a return here on earth!!!
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You are a wise person. Giving choices to avoid confusion is great. And knowing what you can and cannot do is awesome. Often elders have great support where they live, even if it isn't close to us. If that's the case, remaining where they are can be the best choice.

Carol
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Thanks, Carol. The validation really helps. I try not to be bitter but it's hard sometimes. I know it comes through in my posts but I guess that's what venting is all about. Have a great day!

Valerie
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yesterday mom and i had a great day.I was cleaning upstairs and she help. she was in a good mood and stayed up there with me for about 4 hours. Did not complain of hurting or nothing. Real good day. today is dr. day. Whoopie!!!!!!! lol god bless
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kyredhead12, hope your mom had a good dr.'s visit!
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had a great one. he confrimed what i have told her that a trip would be great for her. so we are leaving tomorrow for 5 days. she wanted to her the dr. tell her it would be good for her. since he (dr) told her that she has not had to use her wheelchair or been complaining of hurting anywhere. god bless moms but lord bless caregivers too. lol ya'll have a great weekend and i will catch up with everyone when we get back. god bless and be safe.
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The power of choice does make a difference.
My mom now feels less powerless.
Thanks for the insight.
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Sorry to hear that your feelings got hurt. You will have to devlope a thick skin.
Maybe your mom is afaird of loosing you. I care for my mom. There greast fear is of being left alone. No matter how many times you may tell them differently. You may have heard the saying "Misery love company." I learned quickly to put myself in my moms place. A very hands on women who commanded our family now has her youngest child caring for her. Sure she would say things to me that hurt to the bone. First instinct was to react to what she said. Then I thought about how I would feel if I was her. The answer was scared. Talking with your doctor is a great idea. I know she doesn't want to talk to you but try asking her what is upsetting her. Plan a mother daughter day she can put on a calender. Make it all about her!
Maybe then she will share how she feels. Daughter's are daughters all of our lives. And our mother's like it that way.
I know it will all work out! Best of luck!
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Hi All--maybe someone can answer this question. My mother has a heart condition, shes on meds. and is somewhat better physically, but mentally is another story. She keeps saying that kids in her neighborhood were in her yard, and she yelled at them to leave, then she said one kid uses her neighbor's hose to get washed up because he sleeps in the neighbors driveway all night, she has this whole story worked out that these are foster kids and some elderly woman is responsible for them. Then there was another incident with the TV, she said the people on there can see her because they waved to her, she said it makes her feel funny, I tried telling her that the wave to the camera, and she then gets mad. Does this sound like dementia, a problem caused by the heart conditon or something else. Thanks.
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