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2 yrs ago my husband, myself and our 2 small children moved in with my mother. We did this because she had taken a walk and was lost for about 5 hrs. It was nothing short of a miracle that we found her. My mother was dx as entering into the last stages of alzheimers and she has temporal and frontal dementia (which means she has trouble communicating and often cannot understand us). Communication is very frustrating. For the most part things go well at our home, but at times there is stress. About once every one to two months I usually have a melt down. I just go crazy. I yell and scream usually over something my mother has done that she can't help. The stress of caring for my mother who is not able to do even the simplest of things and having 2 small children is sometimes overwhelming. Yesterday, my mother came home from the adult day dare (she attends 5 days a week) and was not feeling well. I told her I loved her got some meds to help and suggested she lay down. She was not herself at all. This morning she woke up late, not the norm. Slept almost all day, not the norm. Did not want to eat, not the norm. Could not understand me and could not communicate what was wrong. I did not know if I should take her to the doctor?? I struggled throughout the day to get her to stay awake and eat a little. We finally had her go to bed around 9:00 p.m.. At midnight I heard a big bang. I ran into my mother's room to find her lost in her bathroom in the shower. I asked her if she was wanting to take a shower and she said, "yes". Well, I was mad. I did not want to give my mother a shower at midnight. I was yelling and because she could not understand me had to physically turn her and give her a full shower. She normally is able to help a little, but not tonight. I was not abusive, but I was not gentle either. I was mad. I was angry. Now I feel guilty. I know it's not her fault. I know it's the alzheimers, but it just doesn't make caring for her any easier. Not only does it break my heart that I treated someone I love with my whole heart this way, but my kids and husband are seeing someone that just isn't me. I'm normally a fun, kind and loving person. You know the kind that would go the extra mile. I moved in with my mother to keep her from going into a nursing home because I love her and feel I can give her better care and there is not question about that. But, when I act this way . . . I'm not sure. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. Any words of encouragement out there? Any help out there?

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anne, thank you for making me laugh, i was watching my MIL wheel around the house and thinking how am i ever going to get through another day, and this comment gave me hope, maybe even strength. Last night sitting here we saw my brother-in-law pull up across the street to collect his rents from an apartment building, yes directly across the street, No he did even glance this way, it has been 3 weeks since MIL has seen him, and this action hurts. a few weeks ago this BIL gave me money to have a tooth pulled, i told them i wasn't sure when i could pay this back, he said ok. Today i belive that it was guilt money. There is no way i caould across the street from my sick elderly mom and not pop in, maybe this is what you mean't by he equipps the called.
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Brilliant advice, Cat! And good looking out for your charge. Thank you. It seems we've all got lots to learn. Education helps. Hang in there everyone! It's tough, but God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. Praying for you, Anne
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Hi everyone.
wanted to say something about caregivers who accept money. Not dealing with the situation completely can come back to haunt you later. I would like to suggest that anyone who discovers the caregiver is accepting money, property or gifts of any sort (other than appropriate tokens) should take the steps below:

1. On day one - inform the caregiver that they are not to accept cash or gifts - have them sign a set of houserules - make certain gifts & money is covered.
2. Document dates and amounts - if they are from an agency send them a formal letter indicating that their employee accepted cash from the client on these dates. Inform the agency that you want that money returned to the client. Copy in the state DHS and area council on aging and in a separate letter, indicate that you are filing a complaint.
3. Get the money back. Document what you did to get it back.

The reason for doing this is you have no idea what else is going on with that caregiver - it may very well be that by being on top of things you prevent more money and possesions being taken. Remember - if you don't write it down it didn't happen. Always make notes - always be the boss. You can be kind, but don't be a pushover.
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Hello everyone. I haven't been on here for a while. I guess I've just been busy with the day to day of life. My mom is doing pretty good. We still have our every day stresses and yes even my melt downs still happen, but I'm trying to get better. My sister although she cannot help with mom much does try to take her one weekend a month. What has really helped me a lot here lately is just accepting a few things. I have 2 brothers who can't really deal with my mom. They don't call or come over . . . I used to get so aggrivated at that. Not anymore. I can accept that my brothers have some problems of their own and cannot help in the care of my mom. So, I have quite expecting any help, communication, etc from them. And, I am okay with that at the present. What has really helped me is I think my sister is starting to understand what we go through on the day to day. Before, she never seemed to understand what we were going through. I could not call her and just talk or vent because I feared that she would put my mother in a nursing home. I felt that my sister just wanted to hear everything is fine. My sister had my mom this weekend and called me today and said "How do you do it, expecially with two little ones and a husband?" I was able to say that I do it out of love. However, that doesn't mean I don't loose it from time to time and that stress and frustration can at times get overwhelming. She then went on to talk about some of my mothers habits/problems. I just smiled and said I know. It just made me feel good to know that my sister is starting to understand, even if in the smallest way . . . helps me face another week. God Bless you all . . . I've been reading all the comments just haven't had any to really share.
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Kelly-glad things are a little better for you-the husband does not want to go to day care so we got the aide ans we only had to pay 5.00 a day which included lunch and I have eaten there and the food is great and only cost 2.50 and I bring some home even tho we are not suppose to do it- I plan on going back to my vol. group next week=take care girlfriend
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i was thinking the same, austin.. power up her chair and walk all over the neighborhood and across the bridge to the little village..shes going back to the adult day care next week.. YAY! i cant wait..she needs that so much.. she is resisting, but when the first time they round up a bingo game for her.. she wont want to come home!
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That is great Kelly about the cat-pet are so great- at two of the nursing homes we use for rehab they bring in dogs often abd the pt. go crazy even the crabby ones smile. My son said last night he is not coming over again because of the husbands behaivor since he stoped his psych meds but then he said he would help me with our washing machine- I cannot get out much because of all the snow-will be glad when it warms up so I can get out to the rails to trails bike/walk trails.
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i wish there was more laughter in here.. we laugh about silly things.. i brought my cat home with me and my mom is enjoying watching her and her antics.. theres little tricks i taught her and my mom just delights in it.. its keeps her busy trying to get Hannah to play with her, but she just stares at my mom as if to say " and your point was?" and she likes it. my mom gets tickled over the smallest things sometimes.
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It's funny my mom will make funny sounds or she'll start dancing and laughing.
Tonight my husband walked in to the Livingroom and my mom was sitting there with her sweater over her head. He walked in and said you mom is sitting on the couch with her sweater completely over her head. And he had this bewildered look on his face. I just started laughing. P.S. my mom's favorite snack of all times is ice cream. We have a bowl of ice cream almost every night. I agree, it's not all bad.
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I love that about sending your mom over to your brothers! My brother meets me in the lobby so he doesnt see her. it hurts him. which is understandable. but its like handing him a crying baby with a dirty diaper when it comes to my mom. clueless! i love how ill give my mom a bowl of sugar free ice cream and she sits there and kicks her feet in happiness. our brothers need to see the good side!! its not ALL bad!
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Kelley, I'm so proud of you. The nerve of that #*@!! I am glad that she saw the light. I know how it is to be the bad guy. It stinks. I don't like being the parent of my 74 almost 75 year old mother.

Your brother sounds honest and at least he is trying. My brother lives right next door. Yes, he bought the house next door to help with my mom and well . . . does nothing. My mother has been looking for my brother to come by and he hasn't so I told her to go over to his house and ask for some dinner. My brother called me and said, uh is mom supposed to be here. I told him she has been asking about him and I told her to go over. He said "Do I need to feed her dinner, she said something about dinner?" I told him if you want to you can that would be great. He then told me He could only spend and hour with her because he had somewhere to go. I said that would be great and that she just wanted to spend time with him.

Anyway, my mother doesn't really get too mad at me. I think she's a little affraid of me. A few times I have gotton really super super firm with her and told her that if she wants to act like a child I will treat her like one. I told her she is not too old for me to spank. I would never spank my mom, but I think she doesn't know what I would do at this point.lol I treat my mom like a child, I do. I have told her that I am here out of love. And, that if she does not appreciate that then I'll put her in a home and then see how much love and care she gets. Later I'll apologize and tell her that I wouldn't do that. However, I have told her that she has to try. And, that I will not put up with the moods. In my mother's eyes, I have become her mother. Two or three times she has even introduced me as her mom.

We sure do love our moms. If they only knew :(
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i ran away some years ago, austin. this isnt the first time ive taken care of my mom. shes had arterial transplants in both legs which i cared for and then she had half a foot amputated. i even moved overseas for a short period of time. but i always come back to help. i might rant and rave, but I KNOW at least mom is getting the care and protection she needs.
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Joal, my brother did a lot for us over christmas and does help as much as he can financially. I id have a talk with him the day he brought the money for the toilet.. he agreed that he would not give my mom anymore cash. my mom lastnight started to yell at me that i didnt give her any money for breakfast the other day. i said to her "1. it was past lunchtime which you had already eaten and 2 i DID give you money and you gave it to the companion" she was SO upset. AT ME.

she told the companion not to come yesterday which really surprised me. today she showed up and my mom told her i didnt want her here anymore. she went off on me. told me that i had no right to dismiss her, only her boss could or my mom. i told her that i WILL dismiss if her if i so choose as my mom is obviously not competent enough to realize what it is that is wrong with this situation.

she said that she accepts what is offered not taking anything. i told her that is where the problem is. when i have to beg my brother for more money because my mom is too generous with what she DOESNT have, we have big issues. she told me that isnt any of my business what is between her and my mom and she wishes to gift her with something she wont refuse it if she needs it. i said OH HELL NO. it is all kinds of my business when im sitting there, being yelled at like a 10 year old over money when i sit here and ask for nothing. NOTHING. i dont get my bills paid. i dont get to go out and shop for.. whatever it is people shop for..but i cant give my mom the foods she like etc? she said she didnt know it was like that. and i said that no she didnt because its none of HER business what my moms financial status is BECAUSE SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO ACCEPT MONEY FROM HER.

and i said to her face that if she cant afford her bills in what she is doing now then she needs a new line of work because WE cant afford it. of course, my mom then got upset saying its all her fault that shes a nice person and glared at me. thats right im the bad guy.. always the bad guy..

i told the companion that i want her here.. that she is awesome, but she CANNOT accept more money. if my mother didnt like her so well i would have told her to leave whether she liked it or not. i told her thats its better anyways for me to apply to get that money since im here 24/7 and i do the same thing shes doing. she didnt like that. but i told her no.. my mom needs to see someone other than me. she enjoys the visits etc.. i think we talked everything through, but im still upset the way my mom treated me. this behavior is getting worse and worse. its come to the point where i cant open my mouth without her being nasty to me. which will put me in a bad mood. its a never ending circle with us.

but im fine after my talk with the companion. its one more worry off my shoulders.

and you cant say anything about my brother that i havent already said. before i moved back, it was understood, i would take care of mom because he feels helpless and cant deal and he would pay for my car and a few extras for mom each month.
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KELLYB- I am starting to get caught up with old post first the computer was down then my son saw how slow it was and overhauled it and then the cable com. changed its program anyway I did not know how bad it was for you girlfriend my God I woulf have run away from it all a long time ago nevermind the runaway bride you could be the runaway caregiver-I would have been. You must have wings growing-check and let me know. The aide has been here for 4 hours and all he did was get some wood into the house and walked 200 ft. down the drive to get our mail abd a few dishes as far as I can see-the husband should have been walking with his cruthes and exercising and working on his balance exercises-none just sat and watched TV.
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Kelley, I have tried to write to you 2x but for some reason my comment would not go.

Everything with me is going fine. You know the norm. My mom's sparkle and smile has once again fadded away and she has become the shadow . . . mom are you awake person. I did take her bowling and black light min. golfing. The bowling went great. She did pretty good. The black light golfing -- I think it freaked her out. But we got through it. In all everything is going fine.

I know your mom loves the companion. Your mom loves the companion because she does not have to care for her 24/7. You have to be the bad and good guy. I don't know if this person was hired by an agency or what, but it was wrong for her to take that money. Your mother is not in her right mind and it makes my blood boil that she took that money. I think you need to have a little talk with this person and tell them that -- You are living with your mom because she is not able to live by herself anymore due the alzheimers/dementia, etc.. If your mom gives her anything, she is to clear it from you before assuming it is hers. Remind her that she is not supposed to take gifts and that she does a great job and that your mom loves her, but if she does that again, you will have to report her. I'm not in favor of lawsuits but what she did was wrong and has left you in a very difficult position. I would tell her that the money she took was bill money. I have worked 3 yrs for the people I clean for and would never dream of accepting a gift like that.

Kelley, I really think you need to have a heart to heart with your brother. You are 32 years old and deserve a life and your dreams. I'm worried about you. I think you need to tell your brother what happend with the bill money. Maybe you should have put the money in the bank sooner, oh well, you're human. You did nothing wrong!!!! You are gold and I mean gold. What you are doing for your mom is worth more money than any amount your brother could give you. I mean if you had to pay someone to do what you are doing . . . It would be in the thousands. My sister handles all the financial and bill paying. I do the care giving. That helps a lot. I mean you can't get a job because you have to care for your mom. So, you are giving up a lot. Your brother needs to help more. Take her for a weekend or maybe do the foot work in trying to get you the help you need. You guys are going to have to work together more. Which I know is easier said than done. I don't know how your brother is, but sometimes they would rather have them just go into a nursing home and then they don't have to deal with it. However, you would be the one going every day to see you mother, right? Me too. Please forgive me, I'm not trying to put your brother down -- he does more than my brothers. I'm just worried about you. I care. Keep your head up and I'm so sorry it took my so long to get this message to you.
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it overflowed not once.. but twice.. turned out we needed a new toilet..so i begged my brother for it... i was searching desperately for that $200 my mom "lost" she finally admitted she gave it to her companion.. i was $%^&* really mad... here it is im desperate for 2 nickels to rub together and that.. woman.. accepted it from my mom.. now, i know my mom tells her that we have plenty.. but NOT..my mom isnt allowed any more cash on hand.. i gave her her bus fare today and she yelled she wanted more.. i gave her another 10 and i said she better come back with it or with a receipt.. she gave 5 to the companion.. this is now becoming a problem and i need to talk to the social worker.. she is NOT supposed to be accepting money... im sorry if my mom likes her so much.. she loves her to death.. but she is paid to be here.. if she doesnt have any money then she needs to find another line of work or take on more jobs.. i cant feed my mom the foods she likes and is good for her because this woman is taking money from her? it makes me cry.. it really does.. i just had an embarrassing letter notarized today saying i had no job and not compensated for anything beyond food and a couch to sleep on... i needed it to send to the hospital so theyd accept my application for charity.. my hospital bill came out to $16,000.. but she can walk into someones home and walk out $200 richer

besides all that.. mom has been more confused the past couple of days.. its just gotten worse all around... but ive calmed down the past couple days because its so sad..

how is everything on your end?
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Kelley, Oh my gosh!!! you have got to be kidding me? I'm so sorry that, that happend to you. I was so excited when I read the first line. I couldn't wait to read the message . . . It was exactly what I was expecting. Maybe I'll keep praying for extreme house makeover. :)
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i just got done with my first cleaning job... my mom stuffed a bunch of toilet paper down the toilet and i stood there trying to unclog it for 25 mins then needed to clean for another 30 mins..i got about 2 hours sleep and i need to start getting her dressed in an hour to go to her doctors appt. so here i am!

im going to check out those symptoms now, twohugs.. thanks!
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I remember someone telling me that people with alzheimers cannot smell certain smells. I know they said cinnimon was one . . . maybe poop and pee is another. LOL Hey let me know if you get a cleaning job. I'll be praying. I'll chat with you later.
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Age Dementia Symptoms — Alzheimers Symptoms
Common symptoms for Alzheimers and other age related dementia are listed ... Also, not everyone with these symptoms has Alzheimers or age related dementia ...
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joal.. is this wrong of me? do i need to post this on the guilt board? i laughed over your sons discovery and then your follow-up inspection. SORRY *snicker* trust me.. i know how frustrating it is.. its sad, but i even know my moms "im going poop in my depends" look.. luckily my mom doesnt run her hands through her hair.. she makes me do it.. which ill give a good sniff first before any morning hair styling is to be done from now on.. it goes back to my first question of how can they NOT know? does smell not register? or do they not associate the smell with something being wrong with themselves?
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Oh yea. My husband refuses to go in her bathroom. When he does you would think he needs some type of space suit just to enter the room. I mean it is not a surprise to see poop on the toilet . . . poop in the sink and for some reason my mother does not know what to do with the toilet paper when she is done going to the bathroom. I have found poopy toilet paper in her bed. One day she cam in the livin room and there was just the smell of poop. I thought did she not wipe good? Do I need to check? I noticed some toilet paper in her hand. I said mom what are you doing with toilet paper. As I go closer to had It really smelled like poop. Yes, she was holding poopie toilet paper in her hand. One day my 5 year old son who is a little fascinated with girls hair was smelling our hair. He said, "Oh mom your hair smells like flowers, Sissy your hair smells like grapes, daddy your hair smells good, Grandma your hair smells like poop, yuck!" I immediately got on to him and told him how not nice that was. Later on I decided to smell my mother's hair and you know what? It smelled like poop. I said mom, you just had a shower yesterday, how can your hair smell like poop. Right them she ran her hands through her hair and I knew . . . After she went to the bathroom she ran her hands through her hair and that is why is smelled like poop.
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you too? i thought i was just a really bad "housemaid". i keep a candle burning near me at all times.. its when i get a strong wiff of it and i cant find the source that gets me going.. hahaha(we NEED to laugh sometimes right?) i even found a wet diaper in a basket where i keep all my "girly" stuff. i guess she thought the scent of my nail polish remover would cover the smell. but that drove me nuts for a week.. didnt know WHERE it was coming from!
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Oh yea!!! Oh, and we forgot a lifetime of air fresheners for every room in the house. My mom's room can smell up the whole rest of the house. The fragrance of poop and pee drift down the hall and into the bedrooms and the livingroom and everyroom. My mom also like to hide he poop/pee underware and clothes. And we get to find them. They maybe under a piece of furniture or in a drawer or behind the door or under a chair or folded with clean clothes or hidden in the closet . . . etc. I can't seem to get the smell out of my mom's room. We cleaned the carpet only to have her pee on it a week later. So, we bought those lysol timed air fresheners that help, but it still stinks.
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sounds perfect! dont forget the little padded room for me to blow off some steam in sometimes.. and a "playroom" for everyone elses parents to hang out in while we relax by the pool..
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Kelley -- Hey, maybe you could get that extreme make-over home. Maybe they'll get someone to take care of your mom and send you to Disneyland or something and then you'll come home to this great handicap accessable home with doors and hinges and everything . . . . doesn't hurt to dream, right? LOL
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Haha you're not alone with a messy mom. my mom gets into EVERYTHING! cant do anything about doors here.. looks like she tore them all off the hinges with her power chair. we didnt put them back up. what would be the point? and i sleep in the livingroom so i can hear if she tries going out the door.
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Bless you all and I feel sorry for myself at times.Heaven has many mansions and I am sure God has one for caregivers-this site in really a lifeline for me-the husband can not understand it's pull for me even tho he watches tv 20 hr a day and night
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Wow! It sounds like you have your hands full. My husband and I had to file a chapter 13 just a few years ago. We had rental property that due to delinquent accounts/collection we had to give up. It has been a long road, but this year we will finally be coming out of it. We are the type of people who think sometimes with our heart and not our head which got us into trouble. Hang in there. My mom would do the same thing. She does not like it when we keep waking her up, but if she naps all day she will not sleep at night. Sometimes she doesn't nap all day and still does not sleep and night. My mom like to go through her drawers and her stuff and things and mess them up. My husband put an alarm on my mom's door so that if the door opens the alarm rings (sounds like a door bell) My mom's room is child safe so I don't think there's too much trouble she can get into. We shut my mom's door at night and if she opens it . . . the door bell rings. It works really great. Anyway, you're in my prayers and thoughts.
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joal, i kept bandaging my moms legs, but shes keeping it on now that she has gone to the wound care center and they told her not to take them off till next time. normally she listens to this. hopefully even in her state of mind she will continue to do so. i'm going to talk to my moms doctor tomorrow about her sleeping. she doesnt. she naps. the longest she sleeps is about 3 hours at night. at those times, its quiet time. time i can relax and not worry. but my mind still races. by the time im sleepy its because ive just worn myself out. i know this isnt good. not at all, but this is the way its been recently.

im going to get the release form the adult day care has been screaming for in order for her to return. she hasnt been since she was last in the hospital. ive got to push her out of the house. Thanks to my mom, she cant ride the "ACT" bus(we call it DOT here) nor pay for the day care. seems she went and took the last of our cash and did i dont know what with it. her bills are going to be late and i feel im responsible for it all. her accountant is getting the necessary paperwork together for me to file bankruptcy(my bank not for my mom). just worries is all.

on thanksgiving day, i had to be admitted into the hospital. doctor didnt know how it was that i was so close to death and was just then feeling it. id have been dead the next day he says. i had a massive infection, and a kidney stone that was too big to pass, was cutting me up and spreading the infection. it took me over a month and few procedures, but im healthy again, thank goodness. i wouldnt risk that again! ill be fine. my brother is going on vacation for a couple weeks and when he gets back, im going to have a talk with him and my moms companion(she comes in a couple hours a week) im going to TELL them that they need to watch her for a couple days while i go to a friends house. Sad though, its the only place i can think of to go, but dont want to. thats not fair to my friend!

i think ill rest better after her appt tomorrow with her primary. hes never pointed us in the wrong direction before.
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