2 yrs ago my husband, myself and our 2 small children moved in with my mother. We did this because she had taken a walk and was lost for about 5 hrs. It was nothing short of a miracle that we found her. My mother was dx as entering into the last stages of alzheimers and she has temporal and frontal dementia (which means she has trouble communicating and often cannot understand us). Communication is very frustrating. For the most part things go well at our home, but at times there is stress. About once every one to two months I usually have a melt down. I just go crazy. I yell and scream usually over something my mother has done that she can't help. The stress of caring for my mother who is not able to do even the simplest of things and having 2 small children is sometimes overwhelming. Yesterday, my mother came home from the adult day dare (she attends 5 days a week) and was not feeling well. I told her I loved her got some meds to help and suggested she lay down. She was not herself at all. This morning she woke up late, not the norm. Slept almost all day, not the norm. Did not want to eat, not the norm. Could not understand me and could not communicate what was wrong. I did not know if I should take her to the doctor?? I struggled throughout the day to get her to stay awake and eat a little. We finally had her go to bed around 9:00 p.m.. At midnight I heard a big bang. I ran into my mother's room to find her lost in her bathroom in the shower. I asked her if she was wanting to take a shower and she said, "yes". Well, I was mad. I did not want to give my mother a shower at midnight. I was yelling and because she could not understand me had to physically turn her and give her a full shower. She normally is able to help a little, but not tonight. I was not abusive, but I was not gentle either. I was mad. I was angry. Now I feel guilty. I know it's not her fault. I know it's the alzheimers, but it just doesn't make caring for her any easier. Not only does it break my heart that I treated someone I love with my whole heart this way, but my kids and husband are seeing someone that just isn't me. I'm normally a fun, kind and loving person. You know the kind that would go the extra mile. I moved in with my mother to keep her from going into a nursing home because I love her and feel I can give her better care and there is not question about that. But, when I act this way . . . I'm not sure. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. Any words of encouragement out there? Any help out there?
wanted to say something about caregivers who accept money. Not dealing with the situation completely can come back to haunt you later. I would like to suggest that anyone who discovers the caregiver is accepting money, property or gifts of any sort (other than appropriate tokens) should take the steps below:
1. On day one - inform the caregiver that they are not to accept cash or gifts - have them sign a set of houserules - make certain gifts & money is covered.
2. Document dates and amounts - if they are from an agency send them a formal letter indicating that their employee accepted cash from the client on these dates. Inform the agency that you want that money returned to the client. Copy in the state DHS and area council on aging and in a separate letter, indicate that you are filing a complaint.
3. Get the money back. Document what you did to get it back.
The reason for doing this is you have no idea what else is going on with that caregiver - it may very well be that by being on top of things you prevent more money and possesions being taken. Remember - if you don't write it down it didn't happen. Always make notes - always be the boss. You can be kind, but don't be a pushover.
Tonight my husband walked in to the Livingroom and my mom was sitting there with her sweater over her head. He walked in and said you mom is sitting on the couch with her sweater completely over her head. And he had this bewildered look on his face. I just started laughing. P.S. my mom's favorite snack of all times is ice cream. We have a bowl of ice cream almost every night. I agree, it's not all bad.
Your brother sounds honest and at least he is trying. My brother lives right next door. Yes, he bought the house next door to help with my mom and well . . . does nothing. My mother has been looking for my brother to come by and he hasn't so I told her to go over to his house and ask for some dinner. My brother called me and said, uh is mom supposed to be here. I told him she has been asking about him and I told her to go over. He said "Do I need to feed her dinner, she said something about dinner?" I told him if you want to you can that would be great. He then told me He could only spend and hour with her because he had somewhere to go. I said that would be great and that she just wanted to spend time with him.
Anyway, my mother doesn't really get too mad at me. I think she's a little affraid of me. A few times I have gotton really super super firm with her and told her that if she wants to act like a child I will treat her like one. I told her she is not too old for me to spank. I would never spank my mom, but I think she doesn't know what I would do at this point.lol I treat my mom like a child, I do. I have told her that I am here out of love. And, that if she does not appreciate that then I'll put her in a home and then see how much love and care she gets. Later I'll apologize and tell her that I wouldn't do that. However, I have told her that she has to try. And, that I will not put up with the moods. In my mother's eyes, I have become her mother. Two or three times she has even introduced me as her mom.
We sure do love our moms. If they only knew :(
she told the companion not to come yesterday which really surprised me. today she showed up and my mom told her i didnt want her here anymore. she went off on me. told me that i had no right to dismiss her, only her boss could or my mom. i told her that i WILL dismiss if her if i so choose as my mom is obviously not competent enough to realize what it is that is wrong with this situation.
she said that she accepts what is offered not taking anything. i told her that is where the problem is. when i have to beg my brother for more money because my mom is too generous with what she DOESNT have, we have big issues. she told me that isnt any of my business what is between her and my mom and she wishes to gift her with something she wont refuse it if she needs it. i said OH HELL NO. it is all kinds of my business when im sitting there, being yelled at like a 10 year old over money when i sit here and ask for nothing. NOTHING. i dont get my bills paid. i dont get to go out and shop for.. whatever it is people shop for..but i cant give my mom the foods she like etc? she said she didnt know it was like that. and i said that no she didnt because its none of HER business what my moms financial status is BECAUSE SHE IS NOT ALLOWED TO ACCEPT MONEY FROM HER.
and i said to her face that if she cant afford her bills in what she is doing now then she needs a new line of work because WE cant afford it. of course, my mom then got upset saying its all her fault that shes a nice person and glared at me. thats right im the bad guy.. always the bad guy..
i told the companion that i want her here.. that she is awesome, but she CANNOT accept more money. if my mother didnt like her so well i would have told her to leave whether she liked it or not. i told her thats its better anyways for me to apply to get that money since im here 24/7 and i do the same thing shes doing. she didnt like that. but i told her no.. my mom needs to see someone other than me. she enjoys the visits etc.. i think we talked everything through, but im still upset the way my mom treated me. this behavior is getting worse and worse. its come to the point where i cant open my mouth without her being nasty to me. which will put me in a bad mood. its a never ending circle with us.
but im fine after my talk with the companion. its one more worry off my shoulders.
and you cant say anything about my brother that i havent already said. before i moved back, it was understood, i would take care of mom because he feels helpless and cant deal and he would pay for my car and a few extras for mom each month.
Everything with me is going fine. You know the norm. My mom's sparkle and smile has once again fadded away and she has become the shadow . . . mom are you awake person. I did take her bowling and black light min. golfing. The bowling went great. She did pretty good. The black light golfing -- I think it freaked her out. But we got through it. In all everything is going fine.
I know your mom loves the companion. Your mom loves the companion because she does not have to care for her 24/7. You have to be the bad and good guy. I don't know if this person was hired by an agency or what, but it was wrong for her to take that money. Your mother is not in her right mind and it makes my blood boil that she took that money. I think you need to have a little talk with this person and tell them that -- You are living with your mom because she is not able to live by herself anymore due the alzheimers/dementia, etc.. If your mom gives her anything, she is to clear it from you before assuming it is hers. Remind her that she is not supposed to take gifts and that she does a great job and that your mom loves her, but if she does that again, you will have to report her. I'm not in favor of lawsuits but what she did was wrong and has left you in a very difficult position. I would tell her that the money she took was bill money. I have worked 3 yrs for the people I clean for and would never dream of accepting a gift like that.
Kelley, I really think you need to have a heart to heart with your brother. You are 32 years old and deserve a life and your dreams. I'm worried about you. I think you need to tell your brother what happend with the bill money. Maybe you should have put the money in the bank sooner, oh well, you're human. You did nothing wrong!!!! You are gold and I mean gold. What you are doing for your mom is worth more money than any amount your brother could give you. I mean if you had to pay someone to do what you are doing . . . It would be in the thousands. My sister handles all the financial and bill paying. I do the care giving. That helps a lot. I mean you can't get a job because you have to care for your mom. So, you are giving up a lot. Your brother needs to help more. Take her for a weekend or maybe do the foot work in trying to get you the help you need. You guys are going to have to work together more. Which I know is easier said than done. I don't know how your brother is, but sometimes they would rather have them just go into a nursing home and then they don't have to deal with it. However, you would be the one going every day to see you mother, right? Me too. Please forgive me, I'm not trying to put your brother down -- he does more than my brothers. I'm just worried about you. I care. Keep your head up and I'm so sorry it took my so long to get this message to you.
besides all that.. mom has been more confused the past couple of days.. its just gotten worse all around... but ive calmed down the past couple days because its so sad..
how is everything on your end?
im going to check out those symptoms now, twohugs.. thanks!
Common symptoms for Alzheimers and other age related dementia are listed ... Also, not everyone with these symptoms has Alzheimers or age related dementia ...
im going to get the release form the adult day care has been screaming for in order for her to return. she hasnt been since she was last in the hospital. ive got to push her out of the house. Thanks to my mom, she cant ride the "ACT" bus(we call it DOT here) nor pay for the day care. seems she went and took the last of our cash and did i dont know what with it. her bills are going to be late and i feel im responsible for it all. her accountant is getting the necessary paperwork together for me to file bankruptcy(my bank not for my mom). just worries is all.
on thanksgiving day, i had to be admitted into the hospital. doctor didnt know how it was that i was so close to death and was just then feeling it. id have been dead the next day he says. i had a massive infection, and a kidney stone that was too big to pass, was cutting me up and spreading the infection. it took me over a month and few procedures, but im healthy again, thank goodness. i wouldnt risk that again! ill be fine. my brother is going on vacation for a couple weeks and when he gets back, im going to have a talk with him and my moms companion(she comes in a couple hours a week) im going to TELL them that they need to watch her for a couple days while i go to a friends house. Sad though, its the only place i can think of to go, but dont want to. thats not fair to my friend!
i think ill rest better after her appt tomorrow with her primary. hes never pointed us in the wrong direction before.