Been six months and I don't know if I can do this any longer.
I have only lived with mom for six months and I am already regretting my decision to do this. I have two sisters; one that lives in NY so she has a built in excuse, the other is local but does not help at all. She will visit mom for an hour or so most Fridays (I work full time during the day) but when I asked if she could change the visit time last week to Thursday night so I could attend a friend’s birthday party (it would be the first time I have done anything other than work and go home), she told me it was a work night for her and she was allergic to the smoke in the house. So, my sisters are no help-emotionally or financially.
In fact when I couldn’t manage to move to mom’s overnight (which people actually expected me to do so “she wouldn’t be alone”) I called my NY sister who was staying with mom thru the funeral and asked if she could delay her trip home for one week while I moved. Her reply was she hadn’t planned that and she didn’t have the right shoes... so she went home. No one offered to help me move or even asked how I felt, all I heard was they were so glad that they didn’t have to worry about mom anymore.
When I moved in my local sister had canceled my mom’s newspaper. Her and her husband had decided that mom couldn’t afford it. Mom said she was crushed, that she loved the paper so my son paid for her to get it back. I have fought for everything that meant something to mom. My sisters are all about the money, and have told both mom and me that if she runs out of money she will have to go into a state run facility or be homeless. They wouldn’t help financially. So although I have less money than the other two, I pay rent, I pay for anything that is just mine or my dogs and I pay half of everything else. I have less money now than I had when I lived on my own because I thought Mom needed me to do that so she wouldn’t see her money decline fast and it worry her. I took on the fight for mom and in the meantime I became the villain in the family. That was fine because I felt mom needed a person to fight for her.
Now I realize that Mom is not who I want her to be. She left me and my sisters when I was three years old. I never held that against her because I don’t know the whole story and we all have regrets so in my mind my mom was a wonderful person that truly loved me. What I heard this past Friday night made me realize that my family is toxic, all of them. How could I have allowed myself not to see that and make this move where now I am truly miserable?
Last Friday night I overheard a phone conversation my mom had with my local sister. I was shocked to hear mom tell out and out lies on me. She said things like I leave her alone all the time, that it’s all about me and what I want-that one almost sent me into a heart attack. It’s all been about mom, all of it, I have given everything I have (literally I had to give or throw away all my possession because I was told anything I brought with me had to be stored in my bedroom )and done everything I know to do and to hear that, I just really couldn’t handle it. My heart broke.
After she hung up I went upstairs with my knees just shaking and I confronted her. She called me paranoid and told me that her or my sisters haven’t done a thing to me, it’s all in my head. I felt so crushed. So I told her it’s not paranoid when you hear it and I repeated back to her some of the things I heard. She immediately said things like “I wish I could just die” and “this is going to kill me ”. Finally, I told her that it was fine, that I was ok, that it doesn’t matter…but it does. There is no talking to her because she acts like her “nerves” are shot and will reach for the anxiety medicine if I confront anything. She actually told me one night when I had just taken a shower and my hair was wet that if I didn’t go to McDonalds and get her what she wanted that she would tell my sisters. She said it kidding, but now I’m not sure she doesn’t tell them all kinds of lies. I believe now she has played us against each other, that she loves drama and she has always had my pop to complain about, and now I think I have taken his place and I will continue to be criticized no matter what I do.
I feel like I have no family, like I’m the villain and I am the one that is giving up everything. I don’t understand how this has happened to me. I have never done anything with less selfish motives; I have never given my life over to anyone the way I have to her. I wait on her hand and foot and don’t mind. I clean up her bowel movements all over the place and never complain. I rush home from work and cook dinner and do dishes and do everything else all the while trying to keep her company. I’m doing all I can do.
If I move out I m not sure what will happen to Mom. She can’t live alone, she’s sick too much and she has never had to take care of herself and I don’t think she can. I really hate my life and I don’t see it changing if I stay. I am venting…..