I think I made a big mistake doing for myself!!!!
I finally got away for a long weekend to go to Arkansas to be with two of my sons and their girlfriends. The oldest will be having a baby in Deceber and I have been collecting things for them since I first found out about the baby. This was to be my time with them and take all the baby stuff to them, enjoy all the kids company and just get away from mom and relax. I did all that...AIt was wonderful. We laughed, ate, goofed around and just had a wonderful time. Now I am back home with mom...and never reliazed just how much I don't want to be here. I am uglier to her, or at least in my mind, I hope I don't come off that way,then I was before and so much more discontent. I love her so very much, but after 3 years of it being just her and me...I am so very tired of it. When she told me she was so happy to have me home...I couldn't say the same...I think I said something like, I am just so tired from my long trip. I was not happy to be home. The thought of just going back into the old routine of our lives just makes me want to scream and it is going to happen. I am here and will be here until God takes her home or I can no longer physically care for her any more. I am not asking for advice this time....there really isn't much of anything that can be done about the situation. I am here, she needs me here and I have no place else to go anyway. I cannot put her in a home...it would break her heart...I can't do that...there is noone else to care for her...they are too far away. I don't have an outlet...work, church are the only places I go, my income is very limited...I am stuck and I am so afraid the depression will overwhelm me. I look at her, she is so frail, loving, caring and a pure pain in my butt....yet, she is my pain. I don't know how all this really became so emotionally overwhelming...but it did and I think I am going to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!