I thought caregiving was hard before the Nursing Home..what was I thinking ?

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My mom is in congestive heart failure..on oxygen 24/7, her legs are swollen and I know she is not feeling well. I know that her situation is not good, I know she would prefer not to be in the nursing home, I know she is mad at me for putting her there.. I know she will die there..I know because I am told daily. She was on good behavior there for a little while..now she is sure everybody has something against her. She was mad because one of the younger residents ( a car crash victim) knows her name and calls out to her in the hall..I explained his cirrcumstance thinking she would be more tolerant of him, but she said he just acts stupid. Night before last no one came to check on her and that ticked her off, last night they checked on her and that made her mad. She requested three trash cans..yes three and they won't let her have but two. She is mad at one of the CNA's not sure what for, but complained to the other and said she was not going to be mistreated, but cannot explain to me what they did to mistreat her. I do not go on the weekends at all so today she said well I guess I will not be seeing you until Monday I said yes mam that is right and I love you and I left. My husband said just let her fuss don't let it bother you, but I can't. The whole time she is fussing I am setting up her tv (cable got turned on today) putting sweetner in her tea and just organizing her room. I got into my car to come back to work and I was just ranting in my head...I thought you are fussing just like she does..I am so tired of all this, nothing I do is right., then I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because it is her in a nursing home....It is a constant battle for me. Once just once I would love for her to tell me I am doing a good job and that she understands why she is there. Give me a day without feeling like I could have done anything different and that I am a good daughter that has always had her best interest at heart. That no matter how she treated me when I was growing up that I overcame that I don't throw that in her face not once have I. I spent one Christmas in my whole life with my parents I was 22 years old. They owned a business that was open 24 hours a day 7 days a week so they always worked holidays. I don't even know where I was most of the Christmas Holidays. I did ask my mom once where did I go she told me she didn't remember. I was in therapy and I didn't even tell her because I didn't want her to feel quilty. I know I was left places that I should not have been left at, but I never told her that either. All she has ever done is worry about what is happening with her and if I do it correctly. I sound like a 57 year old injured child...everytime I think I am over it it slaps me right in the face.

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Bless your heart! I am in the same position with my mother. But now her memory is fading due to pressure from the hemorrhagic stroke she had. I've been a director of nursing for nursing homes and while some residents take aging and being in a nursing home gracefully, that is not my mother. And I have found that many from her generation (she's 75) consider it abandonment or us not doing our 'duty' as children. That sort of mindset is imbedded into them. There really is no changing it. But you know, as I do, in our heart of hearts, that we are doing the best for them.
My mother was not safe any longer without someone there 24 hours a day. I learned this the hard way. She fell while my son and I were at my house with his children and was on the floor for many hours. I would rather her be mad at me than to have her die because we couldn't be with her constantly.
Knowing she is getting better care than I can give her was hard to admit to myself, an RN, but it does give me piece of mind. She has become more easily aggitated and paranoid so I discussed this with her doctor and knew she needed medication to calm her fears and anxiety. She never, ever wanted to be on such medication, but a very low dose of risperdal has been a blessing.
My advice, trust and believe in yourself and your decision.
Don't forget you were constantly faced with decisions while raising your children and they turned out wonderful. They may not have always liked your decisions, but the were made out of love and a strong resolve for what was best for them. And now you have to do the same for your mother. It is difficult I know, we are talking about the people who raised us. And so many of us are starting to have to face this sort of situation and decisions.
Please remember, we are not doing this out of spite or malice, we are doing this out of love and genuine concern for what is best for them and for us so we can continue to care for them and be there for them.
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Hospice can provide service in a nursing home, private home, their own facilities ... where ever the need is.
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Yes. Hospice is available wherever your mother calls "home". Ask your mother's physician for a referral, or call them yourself and ask to speak to someone regarding a referral. You will not regret it.
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Can hospice be involved since she is in a nursing home ?
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Please give hospice a call. You wonder about the advantages, my dear, they are ten fold. Hospice will ease your burden and you'll wonder why you waited so long to call them. You want to make sure she is comfortable? Why guess yourself? What a heavy weight to bear alone.

Dying is a rough and rocky road. My dad died of brain cancer. I think I would've lost my mind myself without hospice involved. I consider myself to be a pretty smart and informed person, but the issues in his care were way beyond anything I'd dealt with in my life.

Hospice is not moribund or full of sorrow. It's about LIVING to the end of life here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if my family and I were blessed with angels when my dad was dying. Then I read other stories from people about their great hospice experience. It takes a special kind of person to do their job. I'm grateful for them everyday.

All my best to you on your journey.
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One of my favorite quotes : Decisions you make dictate the life you lead. I believe that 100% :-) thank you very much
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I am glad she does not live with you. Keep up with the good thoughts and blessings. She had her life and not always with good choices considering her medical issues. Live your life and keep the visits to what you are willing to tolerate.
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I don't know about hospice. What are the advantages of that? Today I am more rested and my mind has slowed. I do think the neurological work up would be good too. I think my biggest problem is thinking I can fix her and being the only family in her life the need to make sure she stays comfortable. Is that unrealistic ?...sure is and I know it. I have seriously thought about going back to therapy,but to be honest I really just hope she will just pass on for her sake and mine. Peace at last for us both. My husband and I raised two great kids in a good loving home ( my therapist said my mom's lack of mothering taught me to be a good mom) we have 4 beautiful grandchild. I have a job I enjoy and will be able to retire from in 4 years. I have so many good things in my life. It makes me mad at myself when " I " allow her to mess me up. Thank you so much for taking time to help me through this..I truly appreciate every word...
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Another thought. Both cirrhosis of the liver and tertiary syphilis can be fatal. Might your mother be eligible for Hospice? Would she be likely to accept that kind of comfort care?
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Mother's syphilis is Not Your Fault. Mother's cirrhosis is Not Your Fault. Mother's need for a neurological workup is Not Your Fault, and may result in some treatment that will help some of the symptoms.

I suspect that you don't want your mother to suffer. Feeling guilty about things that are Not Your Fault will not reduce her suffering any. Putting up with constantly negative behavior will not reduce her suffering any.

Be strong. Don't totally abandon your mother, but don't give her to power to make you suffer.
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