I thought caregiving was hard before the Nursing Home..what was I thinking ?

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My mom is in congestive heart failure..on oxygen 24/7, her legs are swollen and I know she is not feeling well. I know that her situation is not good, I know she would prefer not to be in the nursing home, I know she is mad at me for putting her there.. I know she will die there..I know because I am told daily. She was on good behavior there for a little while..now she is sure everybody has something against her. She was mad because one of the younger residents ( a car crash victim) knows her name and calls out to her in the hall..I explained his cirrcumstance thinking she would be more tolerant of him, but she said he just acts stupid. Night before last no one came to check on her and that ticked her off, last night they checked on her and that made her mad. She requested three trash cans..yes three and they won't let her have but two. She is mad at one of the CNA's not sure what for, but complained to the other and said she was not going to be mistreated, but cannot explain to me what they did to mistreat her. I do not go on the weekends at all so today she said well I guess I will not be seeing you until Monday I said yes mam that is right and I love you and I left. My husband said just let her fuss don't let it bother you, but I can't. The whole time she is fussing I am setting up her tv (cable got turned on today) putting sweetner in her tea and just organizing her room. I got into my car to come back to work and I was just ranting in my head...I thought you are fussing just like she does..I am so tired of all this, nothing I do is right., then I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because it is her in a nursing home....It is a constant battle for me. Once just once I would love for her to tell me I am doing a good job and that she understands why she is there. Give me a day without feeling like I could have done anything different and that I am a good daughter that has always had her best interest at heart. That no matter how she treated me when I was growing up that I overcame that I don't throw that in her face not once have I. I spent one Christmas in my whole life with my parents I was 22 years old. They owned a business that was open 24 hours a day 7 days a week so they always worked holidays. I don't even know where I was most of the Christmas Holidays. I did ask my mom once where did I go she told me she didn't remember. I was in therapy and I didn't even tell her because I didn't want her to feel quilty. I know I was left places that I should not have been left at, but I never told her that either. All she has ever done is worry about what is happening with her and if I do it correctly. I sound like a 57 year old injured child...everytime I think I am over it it slaps me right in the face.


Your story sounds familiar. With some parents it is all about them, always has been, always will be. Sounds as if you need to tune her out and maybe even not visit for a while. She will be fine and you need a break from the negativity. My mother, like yours, will never be pleased. So don't try. Take some time for yourself. You deserve it.

You are a good daughter but not all parents are good parents. That is beyond our control. Take care of yourself.
Detach. Instead of visiting her 5 days a week, try 3 or 2. Make your visits shorter. If she gets to complaining and being negative, leave even earlier. "I can see you are not feeling well, Mother. I'll let you get some rest and I'll be back Friday."

She says she is going to die in the NH? "That is probably true mother, but let us hope it isn't for a long time."

Your mother's CHF is Not Your Fault. Your mother's self-centeredness is Not Your Fault. Your mother's negativity is Not Your Fault. Your mother's need for the services of a care facility is Not Your Fault.

Your mother was not the caring nurturing person you wish you had had growing up. That she wasn't is Not your Fault. You still wish she would suddenly become a good mother and acknowledge that you are a good daughter. That is Not Under Your Control.

Please, your mother is who she is and she is highly unlikely to change at this point. Since it is not possible to please her or make her happy, give yourself some more pleasure and reduce your exposure to her toxic negativity.
I know you are right. Took the grandbabies to the rodeo today while there got a call from the nursing home mama was upset at a CNAand a pair of her pants was missing..she has a ton of clothes there !! I am just sick of her. I am sick of my whining self. The Social worker asked if she had ever had a neurological workup done. I said no so I think she is going to talk to the nurse about one. My mom also has chirosis of the liver and tertiary syphilis both which can cause mental issues. These are things we do not discuss...reckoned will be now.
Mother's syphilis is Not Your Fault. Mother's cirrhosis is Not Your Fault. Mother's need for a neurological workup is Not Your Fault, and may result in some treatment that will help some of the symptoms.

I suspect that you don't want your mother to suffer. Feeling guilty about things that are Not Your Fault will not reduce her suffering any. Putting up with constantly negative behavior will not reduce her suffering any.

Be strong. Don't totally abandon your mother, but don't give her to power to make you suffer.
Another thought. Both cirrhosis of the liver and tertiary syphilis can be fatal. Might your mother be eligible for Hospice? Would she be likely to accept that kind of comfort care?
I don't know about hospice. What are the advantages of that? Today I am more rested and my mind has slowed. I do think the neurological work up would be good too. I think my biggest problem is thinking I can fix her and being the only family in her life the need to make sure she stays comfortable. Is that unrealistic ?...sure is and I know it. I have seriously thought about going back to therapy,but to be honest I really just hope she will just pass on for her sake and mine. Peace at last for us both. My husband and I raised two great kids in a good loving home ( my therapist said my mom's lack of mothering taught me to be a good mom) we have 4 beautiful grandchild. I have a job I enjoy and will be able to retire from in 4 years. I have so many good things in my life. It makes me mad at myself when " I " allow her to mess me up. Thank you so much for taking time to help me through this..I truly appreciate every word...
I am glad she does not live with you. Keep up with the good thoughts and blessings. She had her life and not always with good choices considering her medical issues. Live your life and keep the visits to what you are willing to tolerate.
One of my favorite quotes : Decisions you make dictate the life you lead. I believe that 100% :-) thank you very much
Please give hospice a call. You wonder about the advantages, my dear, they are ten fold. Hospice will ease your burden and you'll wonder why you waited so long to call them. You want to make sure she is comfortable? Why guess yourself? What a heavy weight to bear alone.

Dying is a rough and rocky road. My dad died of brain cancer. I think I would've lost my mind myself without hospice involved. I consider myself to be a pretty smart and informed person, but the issues in his care were way beyond anything I'd dealt with in my life.

Hospice is not moribund or full of sorrow. It's about LIVING to the end of life here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if my family and I were blessed with angels when my dad was dying. Then I read other stories from people about their great hospice experience. It takes a special kind of person to do their job. I'm grateful for them everyday.

All my best to you on your journey.

Can hospice be involved since she is in a nursing home ?

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