I thought caregiving was hard before the Nursing Home..what was I thinking ?
My mom is in congestive heart failure..on oxygen 24/7, her legs are swollen and I know she is not feeling well. I know that her situation is not good, I know she would prefer not to be in the nursing home, I know she is mad at me for putting her there.. I know she will die there..I know because I am told daily. She was on good behavior there for a little while..now she is sure everybody has something against her. She was mad because one of the younger residents ( a car crash victim) knows her name and calls out to her in the hall..I explained his cirrcumstance thinking she would be more tolerant of him, but she said he just acts stupid. Night before last no one came to check on her and that ticked her off, last night they checked on her and that made her mad. She requested three trash cans..yes three and they won't let her have but two. She is mad at one of the CNA's not sure what for, but complained to the other and said she was not going to be mistreated, but cannot explain to me what they did to mistreat her. I do not go on the weekends at all so today she said well I guess I will not be seeing you until Monday I said yes mam that is right and I love you and I left. My husband said just let her fuss don't let it bother you, but I can't. The whole time she is fussing I am setting up her tv (cable got turned on today) putting sweetner in her tea and just organizing her room. I got into my car to come back to work and I was just ranting in my head...I thought you are fussing just like she does..I am so tired of all this, nothing I do is right., then I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself because it is her in a nursing home....It is a constant battle for me. Once just once I would love for her to tell me I am doing a good job and that she understands why she is there. Give me a day without feeling like I could have done anything different and that I am a good daughter that has always had her best interest at heart. That no matter how she treated me when I was growing up that I overcame that I don't throw that in her face not once have I. I spent one Christmas in my whole life with my parents I was 22 years old. They owned a business that was open 24 hours a day 7 days a week so they always worked holidays. I don't even know where I was most of the Christmas Holidays. I did ask my mom once where did I go she told me she didn't remember. I was in therapy and I didn't even tell her because I didn't want her to feel quilty. I know I was left places that I should not have been left at, but I never told her that either. All she has ever done is worry about what is happening with her and if I do it correctly. I sound like a 57 year old injured child...everytime I think I am over it it slaps me right in the face.