I've been caregiving for 5 years! Time for Nursing Home..

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In order to keep this question short and sweet I have based it down to this question tobother caregivers whom care for their elderly parent. I live with my elderly father whose health has been on a slow decline for 5yrs. I have no life whatsoever...I need change! And change fast before I loose-it and ruin what relationship we have left. How do I convince my father that he deserves better care then what I can provide for him? He says he does not want to go to a NH. This is the only option we have left for him. ...Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

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Well, I don't think you can make him go to a care center. If he is not incompetent (in the legal sense), he gets to make his own decisions.

So do you. You can decide that you are not going to live there and you are not going to take care of him. Really. You can decide that.

You can offer to help him find other help and/or another place to live before you leave, but you are leaving by _______.

Why on earth would he want to go to a nursing home when he's got you taking care of him? Would you? But if he doesn't have you, then what?
Does his health require skilled nursing on a daily basis, or are his needs more with daily activities of living, I.e., bathing dressing cooking and such?

Maybe there is an alternative to a nursing home that makes sense for him: an adult day care center, a residential board and care, an assisted living facility ?

I"m assuming you are his POA or have a good relationship with POA. Hire a care manager (who works for dad, out of dad's money) to evaluate his needs and talk about the costs of staying at home vs a retirement home of some sort. If he will run out of money, he needs to move to a home while he still has funds available in case he needs to move to find the best fit. Once he's Medicaid, his options are gone and he moves into a Medicaid home. It's better for him to go now when he has a choice, and pay for house help now until an opening appears for him.

The (paid) care manager can be the one to lay down the law that you are moving out, can give him 3 brochures of places you've already chosen, and give the date she will have a replacement. That night would be fine, or the night after. But no later than that. Stick to your guns.

I hope he is living in his own house so you can just leave. Then you call every other day the first two weeks to find out how things are going, just like in assisted living, and let him adjust without you visiting - and let him become bored out of his mind. Only answer his calls on even number days, and let the rest go to voicemail. Let him feel lonely, and he will welcome moving to a home more readily.

Boundaries, dear, boundaries.

The other option is you move out and he hires a caregiver. If you can't afford that, you can't afford to put him in a nursing home. A lot of folks don't realize that the nursing home takes all his income, Medicaid only picks up the difference. They don't realize there will be a lien on the house and they cannot inherit it. Think it over.
Dear Liztini,

You have been a very caring and loving daughter caring for your dad the last 5 years. It is so hard being a full time caregiver and I understand your need to consider a nursing home. I know its hard when your father doesn't want to go to one.

Are you able to arrange respite care? Access any community resources? Hire a private caregiver? Try to fully explore all options.

I've always lived with my dad. It was like managing a condo at first. I did all the housework and yard work, paid the bills and bought the groceries. But things started to escalate after his stroke. Three years later I had started to ask myself how long I can I really do this. But my dad passed away before he ended up in a nursing home. Its a tough choice. I hope you can make the right one for yourself and your dad.
I'd like to point out that if the dad has enough money to cash pay his nursing home bill, all his income, assets, and house do NOT go towards paying his bill. That's only for Medicaid funded nursing home placement.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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