In-Laws, Caregiving & Holiday Visits
I just joined tonight. My plight is not as desperate as some, but I could use some advice or perhaps you could call it a perspective check.
We moved 2 years ago to my in-laws neighborhood. We changed states, left friends of 20+ years,and our church. We went from a middle sized city to a SMALL town.
My father-in-law is now a parapalegic and probably on his way to being a quadrapalegic. My mother-in-law is a complete control freak. They live in their own home and our help consists of picking Dad up when he falls and helping to care for the house and lawn. My mother-in-law has just recently accepted that some changes must be made to the house in order to accomodate Dad's disability.
She continually plays dirty tricks on me. During visits from family members she consitently invites the entire family for a meal and excludes my grown, only son who lives in the same neighborhood. She actually manipulated the situation on my last birthday so that my son was not invited to my birthday celebration. I am the recipient of catty remarks whenever I am alone with her. She will also tell me one thing and wait a few days for me to have time to tell my husband; then she comes over while I am away and tells him a different story. She comes into my house while I am at work and puts food she does not want in the refidgerator (my husband works from home but can't hear here enter the house).
Since my husband has 2 homes to care for I am picking up some of the slack with car and lawn care at our house and also doing small repairs at my in-laws. We also live in the north which means snow removal.
Here is what I want advice on. My husband's family all comes home for Thanksgiving, this includes his 4 siblings and their wives. this also includes all my nephews and nieces, even the grown ones, along with their children (babies). In other words 3 generations are coming home to see my in-laws.
Last Thanksgiving my mother-in-law insisted on planning the meal I was to cook, having it served at her home and not having anything enter her house until Thanksgiving morning. I spent 2 full days just moving the stuff from my house to hers and back and doing dishes. Nothing was allowed in her refridgerator so I had to keep a lot of food in coolers on the porch.
I kept 11 people in my home. I have only I spare bedroom (size 8X10). I gave up my room and slept on the bare floor of my dining room. Not one person who stayed in my home made a bed or carried a dish or sent a thank-you note. The bedrooms were all a disaster with clothes and towels and bed linen covering the entire floors.
All of my husband's brothers are much better off finacially that we are--one is worth several million dollars. My husband's single sister always stays with her parents. Last thanksgiving my cat was so freaked by the caos and smells that she wet my bed.
Here is my question. These people are not visiting me. They leave the house when they have finished dressing in the morning to return late in the evening-as does my husband when his family is visiting. Is it completely off the wall to ask them to stay in a hotel? My husband thinks this is totally inhospitable. We had agreed that we could keep one family only, but over Labor Day weekend a brother-in-law called the day before they intended to come and asked if we cold keep them, their daughter and her husband and baby. I already had 5 people staying in the house, so I said no. My husband was not happy, but I just got a look. My in-laws were chilly all weekend.
Also, Labor Day weekend my husband's oldest brother tok me out into the garage by myself and asked if I would be willing to take the in-laws into my home. My in-laws are well off financially, but will not spend money for a home helper. I told him absolutley not that I would not subject myself to the tyrany of his mother. Later, his wife told me that he had asked her the same question and she had given the same answer.