Caregiving ended, lonely.

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i s'pose caring for mother must have became my purpose in life. of course near the end of life the level of care escalated greatly. i can do whatever i want whenever now but ive never been self indulgent. i like doing things for other people. my dreams and projects have fired back up with a renewed vigor but theres noone to share with but the frog who hangs out in the bathroom eating flies. i should tell him that a couple snakes live here but then id be tampering with natures delicate balance.
got my new stove finished. if anybody is interested in a cremation for 75 bucks let me know.

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I think you are wonderful captain but I also think you would make a dreadful CNA as would Standing Alone, you are both too self willed to take orders from some RN with the ink still wet on her diploma. You would both go riding through the N/H on your powerful steeds righting the wrongs you saw and the director of nursing would be standing at the other end of the corridor holding the door open, pink slips in her hand. No, you are doing what you love, I think that's what Mom would want. They would make you cover your tattoos with bandages in the N/H in case you frightened the patients. It's not just grief you are experiencing it is also PTSD as an old soldier you know what that is. You hear her cane tapping, the old cowbell you found for her, a certain odor gets you out of your chair to change her diaper, her crazy old voice yells out for dinner when you fed her an hour ago. The wind whispers your name as you stack the wood. I can go on and on but won't. Don't ever leave us we need you here. you remind me of a crazy old patient who chased a nurse out of the house with an axe and another time tested his oxygen in front of the wood stove. told his daughter in law that he hated her so I told him of course he did but she was the only one here so he'd better get over it.
I love you captain but would never marry you so stay off Match or refer any future Mrs to your ex for counseling
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Captain! In a perfect world a transition such as yours would be almost joyful! You did a fantastic job taking care of your Mom and she has passed lovingly on to her next adventure. You are free to chase dreams for your self for the first time in years...in a perfect world. But alas, it is not perfect and you are understandably lonely and hurting. Like the others I suggest getting out there and sharing your unique gifts with others in some capacity that gives you peace and joy. So now a happy story: I have a friend who was a caregiver to her mother for many years, she was lonely and decided to try Match. There she met a man who was caregiver to first his wife who passed and then his mother as well. His mom also passed about 6 mos ago. Long story short they are getting married next month! Both in their late 60's and life is short. They are so happy to have found one another and they both have caring hearts. There are so many spoiled, petulant selfish people out there no doubt someone would be thrilled to meet someone like you, quirks and all.:)
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Captain, Good luck and a hug to you. I hope you'll think about Kathy1's suggestions. I hope you'll go on giving care to someone who needs it and appreciates you.
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told nurse nancy one time that i thought she was doing a good job. why thank you, she beemed. i said i didnt say i liked you, just that your doing a good job. then i took a dropper full of morphine and watched some alice cooper for a couple hours. they aint giving my mom shit if i havent tried and approved it. lol
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i haveta lay stone. its a control issue making a 55 billion year old stone see daylight for the first time. i shant forget one bi*ch from hospice asking me if i thought i was doing a good job. " yes i do, i responded" i always wondered if she noticed that i didnt ask her opinion of how i was doing. didnt care what the booklearned sap thought. subtle defiance, its a knack. lol bird loved me for my cooking, mom liked my spine.. finally told doc that hospice was forgetting that they were guests in our home and our next step would be to send em packing. he promised to get in some hospice ass and its quite clear that he did. aps said i was by law responsible for that household and i took it quite literally. still miss mom, we were the same brand of crazy.
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At first I thought Sinkingfast was all wet, because the Captain isn't good at following rules he doesn't respect. But I can see him with a private client or two.

Another possibility would be the grieving widow from the cremation services!
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Captain,
I lost my mom little over 2 months ago, I quit my job as a CNA a few years ago to take care of her and I thought id share with you the idea that maybe you might consider becoming a CNA, you obviously have the skills now im sure, you said you like helping others and believe me it may not be the best paying job out there but it definitely a rewarding job. If you want to go home each day knowing that youve made a seriously positive impact in someones life then its a great job. From what im reading that others are posting it really sounds like this would be a job that might fit you nicely. No there isnt alot of male caregivers or nurses out there, but I always looked at that as a perk, while all my friends went off to work with a bunch of sweaty guys, I got to go to work and be around mostly female nurses and cna's win win.. lol.. seriously though I hope to get back into it soon, if i can get my feet back under me and find some drive inside of me somewhere, just kind of living moment to moment day to day still right now, I understand greatly I think how you are feeling because your description of how youre feeling could easily have been mine ( If I was able to write as creatively as that is...haha) Anyways thought id throw the cna thought out there for ya to think about.
Peace
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Cap there are woman out there who would eat you up with a spoon. Your warm, caring, down to earth, intelligence is rare and wonderful. Volunteer at your local hospice for respite care. You will meet many women who will appreciate you. Mentor some poor fatherless boy, and instill the ethics, morals, and courage that you possess in abundance. . Take those talents and thrive. With the internet you can find the perfect woman for you. I wish you all the health and happiness God possesses.
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The way I look at it, Cap, is when you've been a care giver for sometimes years on end you really can become very wrapped up in that role, and it's hard to see beyond it. Then when the elderly person passes, everything is suddenly really still and quiet. Now what?

I think care givers whose Journey has ended need a lot of time to heal. Their minds, their spirits, their bodies. My journey hasn't ended, but I know how exhausted I really am right now. I can't even begin to imagine having a relationship for a long time after my mom passes. I need time alone, to heal from all this. It's like going through a war and coming out on the other side battered, but alive, when it's all over...

I imagine myself driving down to Myrtle Beach, SC when my mom passes, and just spending a few days doing no more than staring at and listening to the waves. I imagine going fishing, all alone. I would dearly love to get another horse. I've been riding since I was 7 years old. I miss it like you wouldn't believe. There's nothing like it. Just you and that magnificent beast, and nature. Ahhhh... I know I'm going to have to ease into life, recover from all these care giving years, all that stress... People don't heal from this experience overnight, at least, I don't think so... God, even a day spent reading at the park seems soothing to me right now... I'd like to get my fresh water fish tanks set up again. I'd like to further my education. But first...healing. And solitude. It is lonely, but sometimes I think it's necessary to have some period of time for reflection. We've been in shells for a long time, a lot of times all alone...I know it's personally going to take some time before I'm recovered enough to have that urge to socialize much in RL. At least we have each other here, and I value that highly, and always will. One day, Cap, you'll get that intense urge to...do something...get out there...find a woman to share your life again if that's something you'd want...you sound like a great guy to me, the type of compassionate individual most women are looking for...time, it just takes time...
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Captain I remember the days you had with your mom. I'm sorry for your loss. I too feel a void. As hard as the journey was...its the emptiness we feel after they are gone that is excruciating. It's been almost a year for me when things started to go sour with mom. October I remember was when things when fast and furious. It came to an end in January. Dementia is a horrible disease.
All I can say is try and keep yourself busy. Do what you like to do . We focused on the caregiving roles of our parent for so long...its now time to focus on what makes us happy. I'm still trying to find my way....looking for work, activities to keep me busy. I hope you can too. Good luck and God bless.
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